I’m sorry that you’re struggling. I, too, go into these phases I guess you could say, where I just go on auto pilot and spend money I don’t have on things that I think will make me happy. I know how disappointing and discouraging it can feel when you realize you’ve dug a bit of a hole. I have a problem opening up to my friends as well, but I recently went through something that sort of forced me to talk to one of my close friends about it. Try not to keep things locked away in your head. Let yourself lean on someone. When I finally opened up to my friend it was like a weight off my shoulders.  Since I have opened up, I haven’t felt the numb, depressed feeling I felt I needed to distract myself from. I feel some tough emotions actually, but I feel like I am working on them instead of pushing them down and ignoring them, and I think that is helping. If you can’t be open with a friend, maybe try a counselor since it’s a safe and judgement free environment. It’s scary to be vulnerable,  but it’s worth the risk I think. I also had a professor say in a lecture once that keeping secrets, no matter how small can be extremely draining because you’re constantly keeping up appearances. I think that was what caused most of my anxiety, keeping this problem to myself like it was a secret.  Now that I’m not hiding I have one less thing weighing me down. I wish I had advice for how to get back on track financially.  In my own situation I feel my main option/priority is to find a second job until I’m in a secure place, but I don’t know if that’s an option for you or even necessary? I hope you find the solution you need, and just know you’re not alone 🙂

Dear Kat:

You wrote: “I am hurting for reasons I cannot comprehend”- it is my understanding that healing from your depression is in comprehending those reasons. Not comprehending what ails you is not about a lack of intelligence but a fear of the pain involved in such comprehension.

The pain is there anyway, but comprehending, understanding its origin involves a greater awareness of hat pain. And a person doesn’t want greater awareness of pain… shopping is one activity that distracts from such awareness.

anita