I moved from my country alone to the UK half a year ago (i also have some family in the uk but not my parents and siblings), I had some struggles, got kicked out at one point, drunk a lot of alcohol, met men and had anxiety attacks every single night that made me wake up in puddles of sweat, scanning the enviorment 30 times each night and not allowing myself to relax until somone else was awake and I was able to get off guard. That was around 6am every day. It’s safe to say I was alive and awake but was walking through life very unfocused and lost. After a while I met a guy, he treated me fine, he called and texted every day, cared for me, wanted to help, wanted to be with me for ever and protect me from everything. But, he never took me out on a proper date, never paid for me and met me at 23 pm onwards, even though I said I wouldn’t stay if he continues like that. It’s a deal breaker for me. One of the night’s we met he told me he was an ex gang member,told me this and that, and how it can be dangerous for me, but then he said its fine and then he said he doesn’t hang out with friends that much because he doesnt want innocent people to get hurt,but then he said nothing bad will ever happen to me and he can teach me self defence just in case and so on-his words weren’t very consistent and things didn’t add up. Like I said I wasn’t sleeping at all and my body already hurt so much,I was afraid putting my life and my families life at risk,I just wanted a simple relationship already, I thought about it a few days and was an emotional rack and decided to go back home where I can be with my family and feel safe. He begged me not to go,saying he loves me, and that im abandoning him but he always wants me to be happy. He used to say a lot of amazing things and he wanted to fight for us. I was the one who left. When I got back home we texted a bit and I just wanted to take some time to fix myself, I bought a ticket to come back to him and he left me 3 days after that. Saying he doesn’t want me in his life anymore. A month later im still hang up over him and miss him so much and miss the uk too. I know I will be back soon and already have a ticket but I can’t let go of him and doubting my decision.  I keep on meeting the wrong men for me and keep dating the same type of guys, but what if h he was different ?because he never left. He wanted me. And all I want is love . I know my love comes from a despreate place at the moment and im not quite ready for a relationship yet because I still want it to save me instead of coming from a strong and whole place but I cant help but wonder if I left the one person that would have stayed forever? I know I didnt feel safe maybe because i didnt sleep idk. Im so confused. I need help. Im drowning within.