My life is totally messed up

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 9 months ago by lisbet.

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March 5, 2014 at 6:27 am #52305
Prakhar
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I don’t have much time. I will try to keep it short. I am from India 19 year old guy.
I get influenced by anyone or anything way too easily.
Last year i got admission in the college i wanted to i was going to go for BCA from the top college in India.
I was extremely happy, confident but my parents wanted me to do engineering. I could see that they were not happy with my decision.
They were like discussing with 10-20 people and they somehow influenced me to drop an year after school and give me engineering exams again next year and if next year also i don’t make it to engineering i could go for BCA. I could not say it was complete parental pressure but i was very easily influenced (even a single person could influence me, this time it was 10 or so).
I took a drop and was studying well, if i studied anything i would be able to do it easily, i knew i could do it, i could grasp things easily, but physics, chem and maths never interested me, i mean i would do it i would understand and enjoy it but it was not that fun.
My current situation is that i have severe anxiety, i have ocd and gcd, you might say that i am just sad, but no i am severely depressed.
The world seems doomed to me, with a month left in my examination, i don’t know what to do.
I have 0 confidence level. Last year i made in the top college because i was confident about myself and this year i feel even the worst college would not take me.
World seems doomed to me. I have not smiled from a couple of years.
My parents are least interested in knowing me and my problems, i was a creative person, i used to be happy.
Well OCD + GCD + Depression + Exams it has ruined me. I have no support from anyone. My father talks to me when he has got some work. Mother hardly notices that i am so sad. I have not met a single person in 2 months.
I feel its my fault for being a stupid idiot and getting influenced by people.
One day i would be happy and determined that i will do something but the very next minute i start crying.
I just broke down writing this. If i get happy for 5 minutes i feel i am commiting a crime.
I am getting this sensation that i would throw up.
I just can not take this anymore what should i do ?
I have decided to cut off from the world, no phone, no facebook nothing. I break down even coming here and seeing miserable condition of people.
Isn’t there something that will make me feel good just for a moment ? I have forgotten what happiness is. I feel i will throw up right now. My whole body feels so much pain physical and emotional. Something which relieves this. Just something.
- This topic was modified 10 years, 9 months ago by Prakhar.
- This topic was modified 10 years, 9 months ago by Prakhar.
- This topic was modified 10 years, 9 months ago by Prakhar.
March 5, 2014 at 7:02 am #52313

Anonymous
Inactive

Yes, it was your choice to listen to your parents and drop a year. You regret it and feel stuck. You blame yourself for not standing up for your needs. Ask yourself some of these questions –

1) Whose life are you trying to live anyway?

2) What are you most afraid of in case this doesnt work out?

Not getting into engineering and making your parents angry or feeling like you made a bigger mistake listening to them?

3) What do you really want to do? Why are you punishing yourself so much over everything?

Believe me, even getting into some top college gives no guarantee in life to cure your lack of self-esteem or belief in yourself. Yeah, you are at home. Yes, it sucks and you hate PCM but the point is, think of it objectively…

You need to get yourself together and rebuild. Shit happens and sometimes we engineer it to happen. But i will be honest, you’re just 19 years old. You have lot of degrees, life experiences waiting. This whole thing of being a good student to make your parents happy and make you boast-worthy is all crap. It doesnt erase the fact that you cant live anyone’s life except yours.

If engineering does work out, take admission somewhere and then just get heavily involved in other things to figure out your passions and where you go next. Either way, it isnt the end of the world. If needed, secretly apply for BCA or something else without telling them and in case, engineering doesnt work out, go and do that!

Now is not the time to punish yourself for the past. Hurry and get your act together. Push forward and believe me, you will make through. You’ll figure it out and when all of this gets worked out, you will feel that breakthrough and live life according to your terms. Promise yourself that.

Focus on your exam now, make it somewhere and then think of what to do next. Your life isnt over! Lekin first, get your base…start somewhere.

March 5, 2014 at 4:14 pm #52352

keith hondo
Participant

Prakhar, I have had the same type of problems as you. I am easily influenced by others and the fear of not being accepted or taken seriously by others. OCD, GAD, anxiety and panic attacks. I tried all kinds of meditations, tried treating myself with nutritional supplements and positive thinking to turn off the bad feelings. I spent countless hours researching anxiety and panic attacks. I have found it almost impossible to find someone to listen to me and take me seriously let alone give me encouragement. Most people, even friends, just don’t want to make the investment in time or compassion. What I have come to discover, pretty much accidentally, is all the anxiety, bad feelings and other stuff comes from being dishonest, both with others and yourself. Once we stop making up stories and excuses to others and ourselves, and stop blaming others and the universe for our problems, and are totally honest things start changing for the better. I have to tell you it is not easy. I still fall into old patterns worrying that I am disappointing the people around me, and trying to rationalize everything to everyone and myself. But I am getting better. I am sure you will too. As the old sayings go “honesty is the best policy” and “the truth shall set you free”.

March 8, 2014 at 1:34 am #52493

Riya
Participant

Hi Prakhar ..Many issues have added in your life.. Solve them one by one . We all get influenced . With time and with more exposure .. u will be able to take your own stand. Competitive exams create lots of pressure . Now things can not be reversed . BCA is a thing of past for you now. What you can do is.. focus on your current goal . Now Bachelor degree has no value alone..no matter from where you do it . So BCA +MCA = 6 years . You think yourself ..if you clear your engineering competition.. you will be able to get computer science from a premium institute . also will be able to save your two years as well.

Now for your emotional well being.. you start to give final touch to your preparation . Start talking with other students who are also apprearing for competition Talk with your faculty. It will give you new challenge and motivation . . Do some exercises etc. Hope this will help you to a certain extent . I am also preparing for competitive exams. All the best and wish me also the same

March 8, 2014 at 8:58 pm #52500

lisbet
Participant

I am so sorry to read this. But your life is not over, and what you describe is fixable. You WILL get through this hard period, and you will be able to pursue your dreams. But you have to be really brave for a little while, and trust that it’s not forever. I too am going through a horrible depression, and actually taking action seems so impossible. Please ask yourself what you, independent of all of these other people, need to be happy. In your wildest imagination, what does your life look like? Can you write down steps to take, even tiny tiny ones, to start moving in that direction? One little thing to do each day? It doesn’t have to be much. If you think too big, it’ll seem too hard and you won’t be able to move. But one little thing a day? YOU CAN DO THAT. Make sure these things are things that are going to help you on the path that is your path, and not the one that others want for you. If these two paths aren’t the same, then they might be angry. But isn’t it better to have them feel angry at you than to feel the way you do right now?

I too have hurt that much. I have. You are strong. There is a big world out there and this doesn’t have to be your reality. It doesn’t. All of the things you think are holding you back can be overcome. They CAN.

Step one, breathe. Focus on breathing. You’re still alive. You’re not alone.
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