Dear Paolac:

The last part of your 1 year-long relationship with a man who was always sweet to you (“He was always so sweet to me“) was long-distance. He was working long hours, into the night, hated it, and was thinking about quitting. You wanted to visit him after he quits the job, so that you will spend more time with him. You asked him to let you know when he will be quitting. He said he’s not sure and suggested you visit him anyway. You called him selfish, and he…  “he started to insult me in a very vulgar…  insulting my body, my personality, calling me crazy. all sorts of things“.

“I recognized I did something wrong, but I wasn’t expecting it to be so bad” – according to your second post, all you did during that conversation was to tell him that he was selfish, you then apologized, and following your apology, he insulted you in a vulgar way. I am sorry, Paolac. He shouldn’t have done that even if he was under stress in regard to the job that he hated, and even if you accused him of being selfish while he was not.

“The funny thing is that I still love him” – I can understand loving a man who was always so sweet to you for a whole year.

“How do I cope with the many bad things he said about me?” – depends perhaps on whether he sincerely and deeply apologized for what he said, if he explained what happened to cause him to be so rude to you for the first time in the year-long relationship…  if he tried to make amends. Would you like to share about what happened after he said what he said?

anita

Dear Paolac:

What is very peculiar is that he was so sweet to you for a whole year, then suddenly he becomes as rude as this… no rudeness whatsoever before: no arguments, no fights before this one pre-breakup verbal abuse?

anita

Dear Paolac:

First, what he said to you was verbal abuse and there is no excuse for it. He shouldn’t have said those things and I feel sad that he did. I know how badly words can hurt, especially coming from someone you loved (I am hoping that your love for him moves to the past tense sooner than later).

Reading that he has a problem with confrontations leads me to think that he has problems with being assertive (with you and with others, including in his workplace), and that he therefore kept things inside for a long time and then, on that one occasion, he exploded: not being assertive but going all the way to being aggressive.

If he never exploded at you before, having always been so sweet to you-  I am guessing that in his mind, following the explosion, he has no intent to reconnect with you.

Seems to me, like you suggested, that you overshared with him, expressing to him what you referred to in your original post as “mental health issues, anxiety disorders, and things related to that”, and it was difficult for him to handle it, understandably, because it really is troubling to listen to someone going on and on about something, or repeating the same thing, same story or same theme… anxiety is catching, and it’s tiring.

“I’m trying to be more conscious when I speak” – me too. I am also working on thinking before I speak, so to avoid pointless talk or harmful talk. Everyone I know suffers from excess anxiety (I think of it as the human condition), so I am careful to not increase another’s anxiety unnecessarily. I share my concerns but I limit the time I share and I contain the expressions of my feelings, so to not overwhelm the other person.

“maybe I should heal from my problems before having another relationship” – healing is never complete, says I. So if you wait until you healing is complete, you will never have another relationship. Instead, continue your therapy, continue healing, practice reasonable control over your speech and the expressions of your emotions (outside the context of therapy), get a handle on it, and you can have another relationship (with the right person, the two of you helping each other to continue healing). Does this reads reasonable to you?

anita

Dear Paolac:

“I don’t know if I overshared” – in a relationship between two people, if one experiences the other’s sharing as being too much… then there really was an oversharing. Let’s say that a third person who is not in the relationship thinks that you didn’t overshare, his or her opinion doesn’t matter because there are only two people in the relationship.

Honest and effective communication in a relationship is very, very important.

“Is it bad to still have hopes?”- only if your hopes lead you to further abuse.

“That maybe we can heal together if he really apologizes for what he said?” – if he sincerely apologizes, yes, but not if you chase him for an apology, begging for one or pressuring him to apologize.

anita

Dear Paolac:

You are very welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation.

“I’m definitely someone that begs for an apology because… (it) hurts so much” – try to not let desperation determine your actions (what you say and what you do). Desperation will lead you to beg for an apology; Well-Being will lead you to consider it if and when it’s freely given.

I wish you well in therapy and you are welcome to post here again anytime.

anita