Dear Paolac:

You are welcome, I appreciate you replying to my inquiry. I understand what his behavior is not sitting right with you. It is childish, as in immature, and it is manipulative. And it is abusive.

“he was sorry and asked to get back together” – did he say anything indicating insight into his behavior, what he learned and how he will avoid acting this way again next time he gets mad… or did he just say, sorry.

anita

Dear Paolac:

I assume you are resuming the relationship with him, figuring that he was verbally aggressive to you only once, and that and it is unlikely to happen again. To lessen the chances that it will happen again, I want to address what you wrote 8 days ago, on June 2: “He had problems with confrontations, whenever I would start a discussion on something that was bothering me, he didn’t want to talk about it, saying that I always want to argue”-

-if the communication between the two of you improves, the relationship is way more likely to succeed. On your part: do not argue, and do not go on at length about whatever it is that bothers you. Be gentle when you bring up an issue to him, see to it that there is no harsh tone to your voice or to your words, so that he doesn’t feel threatened or uncomfortable.

On his part, he will need to be less sweet to you (“He was always so sweet to me”) and more assertive instead. If he becomes more Assertive, he will be less Passively and not likely to get Aggressive again.

You can let me know if you would like to talk about this communication topic, or about any other topic.

anita

Dear Paolac:

“In confrontations he’s not sweet, he’s avoidant, something that I hate and that we agreed he has to work on it. He definitely has a problem with assertiveness… I tend to argue in my relationships I have to admit” –

– he is not going to solve his problem with assertiveness (learn and practice assertiveness skills) in the context of his relationship with you for as long as you argue with him.

-you hate that he avoids confrontations.. but he hates that you argue!

“I tend to argue in my relationships… to me it’s the only appropriate reaction when something is bothering me, the natural way to do it. Something that I saw my mom doing often while growing up, and something that I want to change about myself” –

– I understand that it comes naturally to you: you grew up with arguing. Changing this will not be easy but it will make your life much easier!

Changing this is not that different than being used to tie your shoe laces a certain way your whole life and then aiming at tying your shoes in a different way. You automatically and naturally tie your shoes the way you got used to as it became a HABIT. To change this habit, you’ll have to pay attention EVERY TIME you tie your shoes until the new way becomes a habit.

It will be difficult to pay attention every time you feel angry and are about to argue and then not argue. You will have to practice the Notice-Pause-Redirect Strategy: Notice when you are about to argue (or when you just started arguing), then Pause, then Redirect to an assertive skill. The Pause can be as long as you need it to be, an hour, a day or longer, however long it takes you to Redirect.

If and whenever you want, you can type out a situation that happened between the two of you, when a conflict arose and you argued, describing the basic circumstances around that time, and what he said/ you said, and I will offer a Redirect.

anita