My previous post is too long, I don’t know how to delete it, but I’ve diced to write a new one. I’m in a very complicated situation, I’ve been on a psychiatry for four months, and came back home a month ago. But I aint well. I have very strong panic attacks in front of the people with whom I’m not familiar with, practically with everyone except my family and friends. The panic attacks are very strong and I think I could snap under pressure. One way of dealing with panic attacks is learning just to let go of any thoughts and feelings, learning just to let them pass over my head without grabbing onto them. But when I start doing that, I start being aggressive. When I truly try to let go control over myself I become aggressive in a way that I really have to express that aggression the way it wants to express itself, without my channeling it somewhere on controlling it in any manner. I feel like I’m in a trap, if I will truly let go my control completely I become aggressive, and if I keep having control over my feelings I feel like I’m not in contact with my inner being, I have no emotion except fear. I feel trapped and the only way out that I seem to see is letting go completely and expressing my aggression even if it starts to be destructive to furniture in my house and so. I get an urge to throw stuff when I get aggressive.

Now, it’s been quite a while since I started having problems. I am anxious ever since my high school, and I got a nystagmus two years ago. It’s a brain disorder. Trying to cure that disorder led me to exploring my inner self and I found out a lot about myself and the world we live in. I noticed that I can feel the plants, like the soul of them, and one night I had a total break through when I practically disappeared completely. I saw love and saw everything is love in its essence. I also communicated with cats telepathically, if you wanna read about it detally check out my post ‘my struggles’, if I don’t find out the way to delete it by then. I feel I have experienced enlightenment that night, I could feel the emotions of my friends, the emotions of cats that were there, I would psychologically become everything I would focus my intention on. In a way it way dangerous, I could’ve had gone crazy if I didn’t react well to that experience. I also saw that night that nystagmus is my teacher, not my enemy.

I feel that experience changed me, something is simply different with me and the world I live in. I can’t describe the change, but it’s there. And I’m not doing well in this new situation I find myself in, because of what I described, a trap with my agression and my panic attacks. If I could only find a way to let everything go without becoming aggressive when I do it. I hope I will find someone who understands me here. Thanks ahead.