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  • July 30, 2018 at 9:20 am #219375
    Mate
    Participant

    Dear tiny Buddha community

    I am contacting you in a difficult phase of my life, I’ve been on psychiatry for four months, been through a lot of mess and I’m still messed up. I am spiritually evolved to a certain degree, but I haven’t found a stable ground to stand on mentally, cause I have strong panic attacks, and have aggressive urges at times, an urge to break stuff and so on. I am 26, and my name is Mate Grbavac. I come from Bosnia and Herzegovina. Ever since I know of myself I was interested in the reality of the world we live in, a true reality. I remember being stunned as a child by the fact that we exist, and trying to imagine how it would be if nothing existed. As an adult Ii was interested in the growth of my consciousness and I would meditate and stuff. I also have mental issues since my high school, I had anxiety and panic attacks. It is my anxiety that is partly responsible for my spiritual growth, because I found a lot about myself by going to psychotherapy and trying to sort myself out.

    But two years and three months ago a turning event in my life happened. I was diagnosed with nystagmus, a disorder that is impossible to cure, at least the western medicine says so. I was cut off of everything I knew, my college, doing stand up comedy ( I was a comedian), and I came back home living practically disabled. I had so many issues with nystagmus that I don’t even have the will to describe them, my life was severely disabled because of that disorder. I spent a year pitying myself and being suicidal, before I decided to finally do something constructive about myself. I decided that if the western medicine says it’s impossible to cure my disorder, that doesn’t mean Ii can’t’ try to cure it by myself. I was relying on my inner self to guide me through process of healing myself. And there my spiritual journey begin. First I noticed that I can feel the plants. Lets, for the sake of clarity say that I would feel the soul of the plant. I spent a lot of time meditating and being in nature and that ability spontaneously occured in me. Later I started going through processes of my inner change, I felt that there is no firm boundary between me and the outer world, and I had a dream in which Ii saw the connections from the universe, outside our planet practically welcoming me to join them. What was stopping me from that was my attachment to my parents, and immediately a day after that I started to feel separation from them, the pain of growing up into an individual which is independent. I also had processes in sexuality, for a while I had strong sexual urge and couldn’t masturbate and have an orgasm. Later that energy imploded in me and I had an amazing feeling which lasted for hours. It was in a way similar to death, Ii contemplated death those days and in a way felt death as something moving without making any effort. Then, some time after that a great shift in me happened. I had an experience of a total void, it was one night I spent with my friends and I disappeared completely. All I felt was love, and I felt that only love is deeper than death. I could also feel all the emotions my friends had, and I came across a cat, when something totally unbelievable happened. I, psychologically became that cat when I focused my intention on it, I could feel all that cat was feeling. I felt and saw her complete being. I tried to communicate with cats telepathically that night, and when I would focus my intention on a cat it would immediately start meowing and coming to meet me. I tried that tomorrow also and it worked. In a way that night was very dangerous, I was afraid I’m gonna go crazy. And I could go crazy, I even saw how it would look like. I can say my weakness saved me from going crazy, I decided to calm down and to go out of my room to smoke a cigaret. In the days after that experience I felt I was losing my energy, it was common earthly things that brought me back, like working in a feald and earthly taste of a beer and so on. In a while I came back to our ordinary reality. That night I also saw that nystagmus is my teacher and not my enemy, something I should fight against, but rather something I should listen to. But there I was, still incomplete.

    On psychotherapy I started working with my emotions, because I’ve always had blockades when I would feel like crying or something like that, there was part of me that was blocked. And when I started working on that the trouble started. I first started making noises without my own control, I would produce sounds with my mouth. I had an extreme fear when I would be in my house, and even tried a suicide just to get rid of that state of no control over myself. Later, once when I was in a coffee bar I started relaxing and had an urge to roll on the floor. I did it, and the sounds I produced stopped, but I started having strong urges to swear. That’s when I decided to go on a psychiatry. There, I allowed myself to swear, thinking that when I completely put it out of myself I would be healed. But then my swearing started to go into a need to break stuff. And at moments I would throw things like chairs and so, but I never really let my aggression to express itself. I started suppressing those urges and eventually they let me go from psychiatry. I still have feel like I made a mistake and a step off my inner development because I didn’t express that aggression on a psychiatry, but instead chose to suppress it. That aggression is very weird, because I was never aggressive person, but this is like some very deep urge to throw things that I feel like I really need to express it. On the other hand I am afraid of expressing it and I suppress it and keep it inside. I feel like I am in a trap, because when I completely let go of everything I start feeling that aggression. I think that the only correct way to deal with my panic attacks is not to grab on and urge that comes out, but just to observe it, and when I do that it really helps with my panic.. But then when I let everything go, an urge to throw stuff occurs. I feel like I aam in a trap, I have to chose between my aggression and panic attacks. I am really lost, and don’t know what to do. I still have nystagmus and it’s much better than it was, but it still creates problems in my life and I would still want to cure it. And my panic attacks and the fear of them are so strong they don’t let me function normally. I don’t let myself to function normally, to be exact.  Here it is, my story,  I told you everything I think that matters in my condition. I honestly hope you can help me and I hope the universe didn’t bring me to your website without a reason.  I could only add that after having that experience where I felt love and was a cat I feel like I am permanently changed. But I find it find to find my way in this new me that is arising from the ashes of a previous one.

    July 30, 2018 at 9:32 am #219431
    Mate
    Participant

    I just realised how long this post is, maybe some parts are unnecessary, but I feel it’s all important to explain my situation.

    July 30, 2018 at 2:00 pm #219469
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mate:

    I would like to read all of your post and respond to you but I need to get away from the computer. When I am back, in about thirteen hours from now, I will read your post and reply.

    anita

    July 30, 2018 at 2:01 pm #219471
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    July 31, 2018 at 3:43 am #219593
    Mate
    Participant

    Thanks Anita,

    read when you have the time.

    Mate

    July 31, 2018 at 7:28 am #219611
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mate:

    First I will retell your story in my words, adding quotes from your share. it helps me process information when I do that. In my re-telling of your story, I will not repeat every single detail and thought you shared, and there will be some inaccuracies, probably. If there are significant inaccuracies in my re-telling of your story, let me know.

    You are 26, have strong panic attacks and aggressive urges at times, to break things. When you were about 23, then in college and doing stand up comedy, you were diagnosed with nystagmus  (online: “a condition of involuntary (or voluntary, in rare cases) eye movement, acquired in infancy or later in life, that may result in reduced or limited vision….  often called ‘dancing eyes'”).

    As a result of the diagnosis you left college and went back home, your life being “severely disabled because of that disorder”. After a year of being back home you shifted your self-pitying and suicidal attitude to “relying on my inner self to guide me through process of healing myself. And there my spiritual journey began”.

    You spent a lot of time meditating and being in nature. You felt “the soul of the plants”. You felt that “there is no firm boundary between me and the outer world, “saw connections from the universe, outside our planet practically welcoming me to join them”. You didn’t respond to that welcoming because of “my attachment to my parents”. A day after that welcoming you “started to feel separation from them (parents), the pain of growing up into an individual which is independent”. You also experienced a sexual change while stimulating yourself, “an amazing feeling which lasted for hours”.

    After that you experienced “a total void… I disappeared completely. All I felt was love, and I felt that only love is deeper than death”. You saw a cat and “psychologically became that cat when I focused my intention on it, I could feel all that cat was feeling”. Next you communicated telepathically with a cat, “when I would focus my intention on a cat it would immediately start meowing and coming to meet me”. You tried the same the next day and it happened again.

    You “also saw that nystagmus is my teacher and not my enemy, sometimes I should fight against, but rather something I should listen to.”

    You were afraid you were, “gonna go crazy”. So you decided to calm down, “go out of my room to smoke a cigaret”. In the days after you felt that you were losing your energy. “It was common earthly things that brought me back, like working in a field and earthly taste of beer”. After a while you returned to “our ordinary reality”.

    You attended psychotherapy (and later you mentioned “psychiatry”). “I’ve always had blockades… part of me that was blocked”. As a result of work on your blocked emotions, “trouble started. I first started making noises without my own control.. produce sounds with my mouth”. You had “an extreme fear when I would be in my house”, fear “of no control over myself”. Once you were in a coffee bar and had the “urge to roll on the floor”.. “I did it, and the sounds I produced stopped, but I started having strong urges to swear”. You swore, hoping to “completely put it (swearing) out of myself”, but “my swearing started to ho into a need to break stuff”.

    You wrote, “I think that the only correct way to deal with my panic attacks is not to grab on and urge that comes out, but just to observe it, and when I do that it really helps with my panic… But when I let everything go, an urge to throw stuff occurs. I feel like I am in a trap. I have to choose between my aggression and panic attacks.”

    You wrote that you still have nystagmus but it’s much better than it was. It is still a problem for you and you “still want to cure it”. “My panic attacks and the fear of them are so strong they don’t let me function normally”. You wrote that you feel “permanently changed”, that there is “this new me that is arising from the ashes of a previous one” following that “experience where I felt love and was a cat”.

    The second part of my post to you is my input, my understanding of you and your situation, based on your share. As you read it and after you do, after you process my input, you are welcome to respond to what I write and let me know your thoughts about it. Here is my understanding:

    Some of your experiences and your understanding of your experiences after they happened are true to reality, and congruent with mental health: there really is a connection (aka love) between all living things, a connection we don’t understand thoroughly, but at times we feel it and a sense of well being results. We call it spiritual because we don’t understand it academically. Nonetheless it is real and true. Your thoughts regarding listening to your nystagmus, observing your urges and other thoughts and insight are reasonable and helpful.

    Your experience with the trap you mentioned, having to choose between aggression and panic attacks, that is not a spiritual issue as I see it, because there is enough academic understanding of this very thing. My partial and non professional (I am not a professional) academic understanding is that you suffer from anxiety. Some of the expression of your anxiety is what I experienced in my life as a child and onward, these strong urges to do things, to take some action, from making sounds with your mouth to roll on the floor, swear and so on.

    These urges are well documented in literature on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). The word “compulsive” refers to these urges. OCD is a complex expression of anxiety: the brain directs the body to take this or that action so to relieve itself from the distress of anxiety. It doesn’t make sense to observers who do not understand OCD, to see a man roll on the floor of a coffee bar for no apparent reason. But there is a reason: you started to relax at the time, and wanted to relax more, so your brain’s logic was: take some action, and there will be relief.

    The aggressive urge to throw thing, this is one action that the brain directs you to do so to relieve itself from anxiety. When you decide to not give in to one particular urge, to not take one action, then the brain wants to take another. What is common to all these urges is that the brain directs you to take an action so that its anxiety is relieved, released through an act.

    Let me know of your thoughts and we can continue to communicate, if you would like.

    anita

     

     

    July 31, 2018 at 8:26 am #219633
    Mate
    Participant

    I was treated like an OCD on a psychiatry for a while, later they changed my diagnose. I don’t know, maybe there are some OCD moments in my psyche, but the problem I have goes out of that scale. It is the problem of letting go, I was trying to let go few days ago, aggression took over me and I threw chairs and stuff and I was on a spot where I could really let go of any control over myself. I didn’t do it because I was afraid I’m gonna get more aggressive so I suppressed that urge. I’m trying to sit on tw chairs at once, I’d like to let go but to control the outcome, which is impossible. It would be the best if that aggression could be relieved somehow so that it doesn’t come out when I wanna let my control over myself go. But I don’t know is it possible, maybe I really have to go through those aggressive urges by expressing them, even if they’re destructive. I don’t know, I know I feel like in a trap, because the condition I am in now is not good, and the way to a better me, seems to heavy for me at this moment. I feel my experiences I had when I felt the love I described changed me and think my current condition can be related to that. Because I feel I’m on a spiritual journey, but currently paused by this blockade I have. I just don’t know how to overcome it in a peaceful manner.

    Thank you for your response and interest in reading the novel I wrote heh.

    August 1, 2018 at 4:59 am #219835
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mate:

    I wasn’t aware that you responded to my reply to you until a few moments ago. If I knew earlier I would have replies to you before now.

    I re-read your original post as well as your recent post. You wrote in your original post: “I decided that if the western medicine says it’s impossible to cure my disorder, that doesn’t mean I can’t try to cure it by myself. I was relying on my inner self to guide me through the process of healing myself”

    Here is a bit about myself: I suffered from severe tics, vocal and motor, aka Tourette Syndrome, as well as from OCD since a very early age. My daily life has been about those urges, on and on and on. My anxiety was intense and ongoing. I started my healing process seven years ago. The start was my first quality psychotherapy, two and a half years and then I continued without therapy as I moved many miles away, from a big city to a wooded area, outside any city limit.

    This is what I discovered about healing as I see a whole lot of nature every day. Healing is part of nature. When a tree is injured, healing starts right away. The tree doesn’t direct the healing, doesn’t have to. Same is true for us humans, healing will take place if we stay out of the way, if we direct ourselves to get out of the way of this natural process. Healing, really, is bigger than us, not something we can direct.

    When you try to figure out which compulsion to give into so to not experience the other compulsions, that is you trying to direct your healing, it is you being in the way. Your intellect is not and cannot be developed enough to successfully do what nature does.

    Back to me, all the healing I already experienced and yet to experience, is not my doing. Best I did was stay out of the way, as I observed and figured out how nature works. I observed that a tree that was injured will not grow tall and straight as if it was not injured. It will grow, but differently, a different angle. This is one observation. So I do not expect to experience life as if the injuries I suffered never happened.

    There is much more I can write. Maybe later, if you respond to me, and following what you write to me, if you do.

    anita

    August 1, 2018 at 7:49 am #219853
    Mate
    Participant

    I agree with you, we stand in a way of us getting healthy. My problem is that when I wanna get out of the way I become aggressive. I feel like I have a wounded child inside of me that hates everyone. Maybe that’s the reason why I become aggressive. But I still don’t know how to resolve it, I can’t reach deep enough to see why does my inner child feels like that. I am trying to change it, and I’m not sure I accept it as it is. I do accept it but don’t accept the expression of the aggression it feels. I’m really stuck on my way because of this trap I feel I’m in. But yes, I do know, nature works without the need to do anything, maybe I should trust the nature more than I do. Maybe the nature can work even though I suppress my aggression. I saw that night when I had that breakthrough that everything is meaningful and that the reality we live in is intelligent and alive. That experience helped me to keep going and for a while I was truly happy. Now I’m stuck where I am, when will I have the courage to do the right thing for me, which is to just let go, I don’t know. Another problem I have is that I have no occupation of any kind, I just get up and drink coffees. I do walk in nature and spend time there, since I’m in a village, there’s nature around my house, but I don’t think that’s enough, I need something concrete. But it’s hard to find something to do in a remote village, especially when you have nystagmus and panic attacks. Maybe I will start reading a book or something, just to get my thoughts away from constant focus on my issues. I have lost that feeling of being content or excited about something, nothing fulfils me here, there’s nothing I love I could do. I’m in a way lost in life. But I’m trying to find my way, and as long as I’m trying I have a chance to find it. Btw thanks for sharing your experience with me.

    August 1, 2018 at 8:27 am #219861
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mate:

    I will be back in a couple of hours, or less, to read and reply to your recent post.

    anita

    August 1, 2018 at 11:02 am #219909
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mate:

    I will not be able to read your most recent post until tomorrow when I am back to the computer, that will be in about 15  hours. If you want to add anything before that in another post, anything that you think is relevant, please do.

    anita

    August 1, 2018 at 12:33 pm #219921
    Mate
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I don’t see anything relevant to add so, just reply when you have the time to.

    Thanks again.

    August 2, 2018 at 4:31 am #219983
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mate:

    It makes sense to me that  there is “a wounded child inside of (you)” that is scared and angry. Anger motivates animals, humans included, to act aggressively.

    “I can’t reach deep enough to see why does my inner child feels like that”, nature tells us that he feels this way because he perceives danger, meaning as a child he was in danger.

    Here is an example of a perceived danger for a child (taken from my experience): my mother was very depressed and expressed to me that she was going to kill herself. The danger I perceived was that I will be without my mother, without my primary and only care taker: no one will feed me, care for me, and alone I will die.

    About the trap, you wrote in your original post: “I think that the only correct way to deal with my panic attacks is not to grab on and urge that comes out, but just to observe I, and when I do that it really helps with my panic. But then when I let everything go, an urge to throw stuff occurs. I feel like I am in a trap, I have to choose between aggression and panic attacks”

    (What does “not grab on the urge that comes out” mean?)

    As I understand that trap, this is what happens: you feel fear, the kind of fear that lead you in the past to a panic attack. At this point you have two choices: to proceed to a panic attack or to behave aggressively. If you behave aggressively, throwing stuff, for example, then you avoid a panic attack.

    In nature an animal perceives danger, reacts to it by running away (the Flight reaction) or by fighting (the Fight reaction). When it does any of these two things and is successful, having escaped the danger, then the fear relaxes. And so it makes sense that when you choose the Fight reaction, that is, behaving aggressively, then your fear relaxes as well.

    Of course, it is the very wrong choice to harm yourself and others, so my question for you is: how about controlled aggressive behavior, such as hitting a pillow repeatedly, or arranging to hit another non living object, with your hands or with an object, so no one gets hurt. Is this a possible solution to the trap?

    You wrote that you live in a remote village,  you get up, drink coffees, walk in nature, and you spend too much of your time focusing on your issues. It is hard to find a job living in a remote village and suffering from nystagmus and panic attacks. You feel unfulfilled, not content and not excited, “lost in life”.

    I suggest that today live the life that is available to you best you can. This is your life, in that remote village surrounded by nature, the coffee you drink in the mornings, the beer at other time (those earthly experiences you mentioned), the computer you are using, this or that book you can read, this is the life available to you now, live it better, better than so far.

    And then, plan for a better life yet, and take small steps preparing for that better life. Small steps would be perhaps trying the suggestion I made regarding exiting that trap, see if that works. Another step is to research (if you haven’t so far) what occupations are possible for a person suffering from nystagmus and make a list of such occupations for you to consider. You can then research where and how you can apply for such an occupation, or for the educational institute so to proceed toward that occupation.

    I am wondering about your family in the village where you live, if you live with your parents. You mentioned your emotional attachment to them previously.

    anita

    August 2, 2018 at 7:07 am #219999
    Mate
    Participant

    Dear Anit

    Not to grab on my thoughts means just to observe them, let them disappear just as they appeared. Yes, I know about that fight r flight situation. My problem is that I feel i need to let go control over myself completely. That means I can’t rely on an expression of anger through hitting a pillow and stuff like that. I tried that, and it helps a bit, but I still keep control over my own emotions. I don’t let myself feel anything spontaneously, whether it’s happiness or anger. I need to let this control go, that’s what  see as the only way out of the situation. The problem is that when I do it aggression comes out. I will still try to heal my inner child and try to get it to act reasonably, but it’s very hard cause I feel my child is very stubborn and the wounds go very deep. Maybe if I get a better understanding of the situation it will change by itself.

    I don’t know really what to do about myself, I have panic attacks in front of everyone except my family and friends and they’re so strong that I feel I could snap, experience a nervous breakdown. I sometimes feel that I need to experience it, cause it’ the only way I will ever let control over myself go. But I don’t know would the nervous breakdown be helpful or harmful n the long run. Maybe it would leave me impaired. Don’t know, if I experience it, I will know then.

    You said your mom told you she’l kill herself, that’s a hard trauma for sure. I can’t reach to what causes my inner anger. Maybe it’s impossible to find that out, and even if I’d find it out it would change nothing about my situation. I will still try to resolve this aggression instead of expressing it, but I’m not sure will it work. Maybe I can’t avoid that anger because to completely let go is a scary thing, I get afraid whenever I get close to it. Maybe it’s inevitable to react on that with aggression. I know it’s not acceptable for me, so I’m still searching for ways on how to change it.

    I live with my parents currently and my sister.

    August 2, 2018 at 7:33 am #220005
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mate:

    If I understand you correctly, you have been and are considering letting go of any and all efforts to control yourself, your emotions and behaviors, as the solution, as the way out of the trap, as a way to no longer experience panic attacks.

    If I understand correctly, then your idea of a solution has been tried massively in the 60s or 70s in the U.S., encourage and promoted by psychotherapists, is I understand it to be. If I remember correctly, a book titled The Primal Scream encouraged this proposed solution. If one screams, lets go of that primal scream, then one will be rid of that inner pain and fear and distress and be free and healthy. I heard stories of groups of people coming together in the 60s and 70s, screaming, yelling, crying, expressing emotions in such ways.

    It didn’t work. It doesn’t work that way.

    anita

     

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