Hi Anita,

you have to wonder what will happen next right? what a mess my life is, my head is in total turmoil again so i know it sounds garbled.

I feel i must stay really still not to upset the universe since everything i do is turning it upside down. I was turning to the starsigns for help, mine said stay patient and dont react to people’s bad temper…well i did.

Talking of starsigns…a fair few of them all said a relationship from my past would come back around…it has left me now in a limbo of hope, i am struggling enormously with coming to terms and forgiving..as i said that build up of anxiety..i want to be able to forgive…and not cry!

I have lived alone before and i do now, i don’t thrive on it though, i feel isolated and lonely. If things didnt go so wrong all the time i wouldn’t be falling back on my parents for help. I need to find additional work or a different job, i guess that is the 3rd option. but taking the step is difficult..i am worried its the wrong one. I guess i need to sit still for awhile.

Moving away is not possible in the immediate future but dependant on work options available to me. As i said before, i dont have much trust or faith that i can do better. I need to heal first and stop being hit emotionally all the time. If it means blocking everyone out then thats what i have to do.

Hi Anita,

I think i mean blocking people’s bad energy..i seem to get tangled up in other people’s mess and before i know it, i get blamed for the fallout. I wish there was a way i could just take a break but enjoy the time out without feeling lonely.

I still feel panicky and start crying when i think about what i have lost. I have of course thought about contacting my ex. but im too afraid he will tell me he is really happy in his new life.

Starsigns can be a comfort, of course i have been turning to them for some answers. It has something if you choose to believe it. Both positive and negative factors are there but there were quite a few that resonated with what was happening. I just want to believe that my life can be ok, im not hoping to be a millionaire or to have a better car than anyone..i just want to be ok.

It seems like i am looking in every direction and dropping the ball all the time, getting things wrong repeatedly. It is so frustrating.

Does this sound like narcissism to you? i feel like my mom gets jealous of the attention on me when things are down..then gets nasty and picks on me. She seems competitive with me and my sister and has never fully accepted the boyfriends we had..there always “must” be something wrong. She expects the worst and often puts a strain on the relationship through her manipulation. Alternatively maybe she feels i am not recovering quickly enough and her defense is to kick me for how helpless she feels about my situation? whatever it is, she made it much worse!

Hi Anita,

I didnt really want it to be a mother issue but it seems typical. i realised some time ago that my ex and her shared some very similar good and bad traits. For some, putting up with his negative comments would have been unacceptable, the way he would twist something against me…but to me i just laughed it off and i realise my self respect sensors are all wrong, i didnt react the right way because i didnt understand where it was going..perhaps because of my upbringing.

My mom is always turning things to be about her, i reckon that shows some narcissism..and i have read a few posts and webpages about it which all clicks. Its very manipulative..not obvious at first to others but relentless undermining my choices and decisions. She wont stand being told and she has rarely apologised. If she does..she will find something else to get mad about with you. Both her AND my ex have a longstanding fued with a sister and wont talk to them. Ive tried to get both to snap out but its impossible. Both feel and say that OTHER people are controlling them rather than the obvious reality.

She is protected by my father, because they are of a different generation where men do a lot more for their wife but my dad is overly so..he does most of the chores and handles everything. My dad was never close with us kids…quite the opposite but he dotes on my mom which can be quite nauseating. I think they work well together but he has to put up with a lot of criticism and i dont think it is such a healthy relationship.

Could i handle being poorer? I don’t think so. Money does matter. I am used to a certain life level but i dont want to be rich, i want to be able to afford a holiday now and then and buy good food. Right now i am worried i wont make it to the end of the month, that is a horrible reality for a lot of people and i dont even have kids, i cant afford them!

Dear Anita,

I think most people have some issue with their parents. The problem is when you have not been able to fully be yourself and like yourself and enjoy success as an adult. I have never felt it. I have struggled financially, socially all the way and relationships have come and gone..i suppose, because those men eventually wanted me to be stronger than i was, less emotional, take care of them and i couldnt. I always had the sneaking feeling that they didnt really like me, i used to say it to my previous ex ” you don´t like me, you like the idea of me” I guess after 2 or more years they work out im a lot more dull than they thought..it was one of the things my ex accused me of. On the other hand my intense sense of loyalty sometimes overrides all other feelings and things had not been good for a long time. I wasnt happy either, but I just wanted to try more, i never imagined breaking up..he couldnt be bothered because he saw something else. What a modern situation..there is no reason for a guy to stay if he gets bored…even if there are kids they move on because they see something shiny across the street, regardless. Its why i dont have kids in the first place, i wanted someone committed..and never found one.

My mother´s life works for her, in a vaccum..with just her and my dad they are fine, they can do everything together and not feel its too much time together. There is no way i could imagine them divorcing. I don´t think other couples find them normal though, they seem fairly obnoxious sometimes it grates…this is an ideal of relationship that me and my sister will never obtain (or want to) and we are made to feel bad because of it. My ex needed some time to himself, with his friends every now and then..and that was ok with me…my parents found it strange..and suspect, because they dont go on holiday without each other. But the more i looked around the more i thought, they are the exception here, not the other way round.

For me, i don´t choose rich or poor living. …but just ok, safe, warm, enough to eat, friends…and enough love. I have enough life experience to tell me that many rich people are lonely, distrustful and taken advantage of, poor people are happier in general but also a closed knit that keep each other in place or down…being in the middle is true freedom, especially for women, just not wanting for things but not needing a fancy car or big mansion. Love isnt the answer to everything, balance is.

Its such a hard thing to find that most people only get to savour moments of it. I really feel like ive had my best now, this was my last chance and it fell apart like the others did. Maybe it was my fault, maybe women are actually meant to make everything ok and i failed at it. so the starsigns give me some small fantasy hope but really i know, there is no fairytale,..he´s not going to come running back and say he´s sorry and we were meant to be and bring me a bunch of roses. I guess its not for me. I know a lot of women get it and get doted on but i dont.

Hi Anita,

It feels like that writing about this doesnt help. I just reveal more problems.

I have had more hardships lately and it feels constantly and more so that i am being tortured by life. Dramatic maybe but i just can´t get a break from it. When i try to help myself i am beaten down. I am now frightened to choose a direction it is that bad.

It has made me feel venomous towards my ex. i felt like threatening him, i felt like hurting him. he dumped me in this, he left me and said i should feel sorry for his current girlfriend because “she had been through so much”. Who chooses someone as a life partner out of pity?  and then i remember, i asked him to be my boyfriend to protect me from other advances…it was the same, he never had to try and never would bother. He often gave more to a stranger than he did to his own family.. some say that is a Gemini trait. I am still struggling to forgive!

I certainly don´t see my parents relationship as ideal, but i know they do. They see our modern relationships as doomed from the start because of so many factors and every failed relationship cements the doom further. No, i don´t want what they have.

I just want to feel comfortable being alone but i experience it as a frightening and humiliating experience, i guess the tension must be on my face all the time.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your continued support at this time. It is hard for me to accept what i have in life, i am so angry about so many things. My friends talk about their kids problems, i see young families all the time, couples on holiday, they are so normal and natural, they dont seem to be challenged by life…i wonder what purpose i have to be wandering around so out of sync.

I think i wanted something to visualise in my head that is peaceful and nice, wildflowers and ocean, i live in an area with both so its a good spiritual name. Small things count and sometimes you have to unwittingly put them in your path everyday to make things better, thus a reminder of a nicer place.