Anne,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand the feeling of helplessness to our own patterns. Sometimes we try to “stay positive” or “be better”, and sometimes it works, the sun rises and we feel happy. But sooner or later that darn moon comes up, the old negativity, and soon we’re nose-diving into really ugly feelings. Don’t despair, dear sister, because there is always path toward balance. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

My teacher described your “nose-dive” experience as “negative negativity” or painful feelings that feel like they are part of us, just “who we are” or “how the world really is”. Such as “I just get angry at that, that’s just how it is, how it should be, they deserve my anger, I deserve my anger” and so forth and so on. As though there is nothing we can do. Which is false, wrong, a delusion. And, we have to murder that whole thought line, kill it, slash at it with a giant sword, get beyond it. It what starts the nose dive.

Instead, consider a different approach, a different view. Consider: you’re a good person, with painful habits. Rant and moan and argue, and you’re a good person, ranting and moaning and arguing. Its not like you want the negativity, want to feel crappy… its just stuck, keeps happening again and again. But its not because “Anne is shit”, that’s nonsense. There’s a cause… and as you explore the cause, find compassion for yourself, and act differently, more skilfully, the nose dive stops happening.

Part of the issue is perhaps trust, or not accepting a reaching hand. Like your boyfriend, saying something that means nothing to you, “just be positive” or “live in the now” or some other unhelpful garbage. Like, what does that junk even mean, and great, now you’re feeling even shittier for not “getting it”. What an explosion, no? Consider: try accepting it with the intent, rather than the language. There is your boyfriend, that loves you, sees a brightness and wants to share, wants to help, and tries to reach out. Its like he’s trying to hug you, but doesn’t know what to do, so tries stuff that feels condescending. If you can try to giggle “OK, so at least he’s trying”, and reach back, grab him and squeeze him, thanking him for trying to give you a kiss, it’ll help. Especially with the anger.

Finally, consider that the gravity of the nose dive, the slide into toxic feelings, is being driven by how damned harsh you are with yourself. You feel cruddy, or get pissy with a loved one, and pick up a lash and start wailing away, assaulting yourself and how terrible you are. Put down the stick, sis, you deserve better than that. You have to be tender, gentle with yourself. If we break an ankle, we don’t stand there and yell at the ankle, we put our hands around it and cry, say ouch, wrap in it cooling towels, let it heal. Our emotion is the same. If you get angry, don’t yell at yourself for being angry, put your arms around it, apologize to yourself for such painfulness, make space to find your breath again, relax, calm down. Self nurturing, comforting is where this happens. Taking the time to be caring and tender with yourself. A bath with candles, a dance to soft music, sitting in nature, going to a museum. My favorite of these is loving-kindness meditation. Its simple, easy to start, and works well to bring peace and happiness. Consider “Sharon Salzberg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

With warmth,
Matt