Dear Maria:

“I always get scared and uncomfortable when a guy seems to like me… I never feel that excitement to kiss them and be with them, I always withdraw. It makes me scared that it will always be this way”-

– it doesn’t have to always be this way. The reason you withdraw from men is because you get scared. When we get scared of something or someone, we instinctively withdraw. Also, when we are scared, we can’t feel soft feelings such as affection and gentle attraction, and that explains why you “never feel that excitement”.

It doesn’t have to always be this way because it is possible for you to look into this fear, understand what it is about, lessen it, manage it and move on to having a love relationship with a man.

Would you like to look into this fear, what it is about?

anita

Dear Maria:

“Most of the time I tend to find something that.. shows me that he’s not right for me, that  he’s not that incredible guy… I get worried if I look awkward, if I kiss bad, that he will think I’m not that great”- so on one hand you think that the guys you meet are not good enough for you, and on the other hand, you think that you are not good enough for the guys that you meet.

Which one is more than the other: the men you meet are not good enough for you, or you being not good enough for them?

anita

Dear Maria:

You are welcome. If you did think that the boys/ men you met so far were not good enough for you to date- that wouldn’t have been unkind. Whatever we people think is not kind or unkind, it’s only our behaviors that can be kind or unkind. You can think anything you want and express your thoughts here without worrying if I will think of you as kind or unkind. I do want to know what you truly think because it will make it possible for me to get to know you better.

“I do want somebody that has similar visions of life maybe, or that I really think is a great person, that ‘stirs something in me'”- can you describe to me such a man: what does he talk about, how does he behave, what does he look like or sound like, etc.?

anita

Dear Maria:

You are welcome. You shared that you want a man who is kind, polite, caring, understanding, open minded, has a wide vision of life, a man who is excited about life, adventurous, believing that life is to be experienced, physically attractive, okay with your taste of music and likes children.

I have two questions (my purpose for asking is to get to know you better):

1. You wrote earlier that your friends are much ahead of you, “they seem to be more adults”, and unlike you, they had their first boyfriend before the age of 20. Do you perceive their boyfriends to be the kind of young men that would fit your criteria (being kind, polite, adventurous, etc.)?

2. You shared that you “get nervous when someone tries to flirt” with you, “I feel uncomfortable.. I get worried if I look awkward.. always escape those scenes”-

– when you encounter a man in your life, you become focused on yourself, on how you look, how you behave- so your focus is not on the man. How do you get to know if he is all these things you are looking in a man if your focus is on you, and not on him. If you are so uncomfortable when approached by a man, so nervous, how do you get to know if the man is open minded and excited about life, etc.?

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by .

Dear Maria:

You are welcome. Is there any man that you know in real life (any one of your peers’/ friends’ boyfriends, anyone else) who does fit your criteria?

anita

Dear Maria:

You shared earlier: “I get very nervous when someone tries to flirt with me and tries to get intimate. I feel uncomfortable, I get worried if I look awkward, if I kiss bad.. I always escape those scenes”, and today, when a boy who fit most of your criteria asked you to be his girlfriend on your 18th birthday: “I was uncomfortable and scared of kissing, didn’t know how to act.. I was worried what people would say of me. I feared of being judged if I ‘showed’ myself.. something that I have a hard time but only in relationships”-

– reads to me that you have a great discomfort and fear of showing yourself in the context of physical/ sexual contact with a young man, as in kissing.

What do you mean specifically by showing yourself?

And what were you taught by your family, mother or father, about showing yourself and about sex? (this latter question may make you uncomfortable. If so, you can choose to not answer it at all, or to answer it without the details that make you feel most uncomfortable).

anita

Dear Maria:

You wrote: “I feared of being judged if I showed myself.. something that I have a hard time but only in relationships”. Placing how you defined showing yourself in this sentence:

I feared being judged if I am myself completely, if I am vulnerable.. something I have a hard tome but only in relationships-

– do you mean that it is easy for you to be yourself completely, to be vulnerable with anyone and everyone except for men who are interested in you romantically/ sexually?

(Your writing is not clear enough. Please take your time and edit your posts so to do your best to communicate clearly)

anita