Not myself, unable to let go

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This topic has 27 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.

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March 26, 2017 at 4:08 pm #142231

wildoceanflower
Participant

Dear Anita,

I feel like you must be endlessly patient to listen to all this …

I know that for most people, happy or not, milestones in life are something they can pin on the wall for others to see that they are achieving something…we are all competitive..even if we dont think so. I feel like a failure because i have not had anything without a big helping hand from my parents. My current job is starting to grate on me..i dont earn enough to live on..but there is not much else to turn to where i live.

I dont remember feeling so much physical pain from former boyfriends…it just has something to do with those milestones but maybe also my feeling that i cant be successful and a lack of options where i live. I am 40, i never had dreams to marry but suddenly its acute that i am alone again, i never wanted kids but of course..if you take the chance away..Ive heard of people finding someone and within a year they have it all. i guess i have to keep that door open in my mind but it feels like its closing.

Tasks do help, work keeps my mind busy for a while, i have this energy to exercise like i never had before…but my mind constantly races around him all the while…i am fighting with my mind to not go mad, not to come up with scenarios of how i will see them together…my heart races if i see a car like his but i havent seen him since. Its clear, he is not going to chase after me like in the movies or how some people say in their biographies! lucky them.

So far, walking outside has been the best…eventually my anger and desperation subsides and i can look at a flower and some sunshine and have a moment of peace. Meditation..i think will come..once i can stop the anger (both at myself as well as the situation) i have to forgive myself too, i have to learn to give myself a chance but until then i keep having these moments.

March 26, 2017 at 4:30 pm #142233

wildoceanflower
Participant

Hi Steve,

Thanks for your message…i feel somewhat like i am pouring my heart out too much. You are hardly rambling. I know what you mean about not loving yourself..i think i have that problem too.

As far as my ex is concerned..i know and knew, that he disappointed a lot of people..his family, his friends, some strangers. He is a magnetic person..ive never seen before how someone can attract others so much. He just had a presence for fun..and to a certain extent i didnt have enough energy to keep up with him even though i loved him..i wanted to be the homelife, he had more energy than a 20 yr old. But he definitely has issues and doesnt admit it.

Finding the self love is perhaps one of the hardest things…i am trying one day at a time..at least, i wont jump into another relationship to drown another out..thats not the answer.

March 26, 2017 at 4:46 pm #142235

Yu Wai
Participant

Dear Wildoceanflower,

I am young and not as experienced in life as you are, but from a 24 years old’s point of view, I feel that what will really make you happy again right now is learning to love yourself.

In university of a large lecture group, I literally have 1 friend in my course, and I usually go to school alone. I am in a long distance relationship with my 2 years boyfriend and we are currently in a rocky situation. I feel sad, anxious, and emotional; so much so that I get anxiety attacks from fearing my relationship may end when both of us are still in love. However, one thing I know for sure is that I am not lonely.

I think all the torments you are going through are self-inflicted ideas and emotions within yourself. The only person whom you should love and care for the most now is “you”. After you are contented with being with yourself, then can you give the best of yourself to someone else. I know self love and being optimistic is not an easy thing to do when you are so down about the situation. However, only when you put in the effort to love yourself and push away thoughts about another person’s life, you will be able to enjoy the rest of your days fully. Regardless of whether you are happy or sad, you still got to pass another day; so try your best to face the next day being happy with yourself.

March 26, 2017 at 9:07 pm #142269

Anonymous
Guest

Dear wildoceanflower:

Maybe it is time to move out and away, far away, to another city, another ocean where you can be a .. wild flower (your user name)- far, far away…?

anita

March 28, 2017 at 8:00 pm #142667

Erin
Participant

Hi wildoceanflower, that sounds hard! You don’t feel like yourself, you feel irrational/panicky/desperate/stupid.

My suggestion? See a therapist. (You don’t have to have a mental illness – personally I suffered from being a human, being hurt and trying to think my feelings rather than feel them, being afraid, not knowing how to move forward). It was amazing. It was this safe space where she would accept me as a human being no matter what I said. It was beautiful to be so well understood and accepted. I learned that therapists do say “How does that make you feel” because that’s an important question! Therapy was exactly what I needed, and somehow I became myself again.

(I just noticed that you said in a later post that you are slowly letting it go…. awesome. that’s what would happen in therapy too. I suppose I’m a little late replying to this thread, and i hope things are getting better!)

March 30, 2017 at 3:43 pm #143003

wildoceanflower
Participant

Hi Steve,

Thank you for your support, it is very kind of you..it makes me sad to think of so many people who are more fearful of pain and rejection than being truthful but i guess we all suffer a bit from that. I feel more vunerable because i guess i have a compulsion to saying the truth, despite the pain it can cause me and it often does. I am a very loyal and attached person so no longer having my partner is terrible for me.

I am also struggling with how i see myself, i guess you dont like yourself when you are going through bad times, when its good..you dont even notice that thought, you smile more and that attracts people. Faking it is hard to do.

I appreciate the thoughts

March 30, 2017 at 4:15 pm #143005

wildoceanflower
Participant

Hi Anita (and thank you to others who have sent their good vibes 🙂

I have had another couple of tough days…i have tried not to believe i am cursed. I am having a difficult time at work which has been escalating, i learned i need an operation (although it is minor, not life threatening), i got two huge electricity bills out of nowhere and am seemingly being paid less for my job so i just cant afford to live without help…i was in tears today and yesterday, its a mess.

the panic has not gone away, the thoughts of him and her have not either and i keep trying to think of things to do to pass time. I am taking various lessons…but plans i make are struggling to work out for various reasons and i feel strangled.

Moving away is something i thought of doing right before i met my ex..so he changed my mind. Now, i just feel tired and old. I have moved a few times in my life and it is very hard but mostly because i dont particularly have a career. but it is something i have to consider since my current job is getting worse…

ive had cognitive therapy before but it just didnt do much for me. I am trying to use exercise as a way to just tire myself out which should also make me look better too. confidence is what i have always missed in my life..when times are good i also dont have it, maybe its a missing gene! But now i just feel really unsure about any decisions..the only consistency i feel that i have are failures.

when things keep getting worse…you need superhuman strength not to break, what do i do so that i dont panic about all these external things happening to me?

March 31, 2017 at 7:46 am #143067

Anonymous
Guest

Dear wildoceanflower:

Life can get better for you, it really can. I strongly believe it.

Your last question: “What do I do so that I don’t panic about all these external things happening to me?”

First, there will always be “external things happening” to you (and to me, and to anyone reading this)- what we can do to not panic is to attend to that short distance in between-our-ears. That is the place where panic happens.

First, you calm that panic by focusing on where it happens (that place in-between-the-ears).

I have a question, regarding your panic. You wrote above: “the panic has not gone away, the thoughts of him and her..”- can you elaborate on the nature of your panic connected to the thoughts of him and her? What is that panic about?

anita

April 4, 2017 at 4:05 pm #143673

wildoceanflower
Participant

Hi Anita, I am annoyed with myself that i need help when i see other people in far worse situations.

The panic is that i cant look after myself alone, and i know i cant..my parents have to help me financially as my salary does not cover living expenses. I am looking at what else i can do but my current work keeps me so busy, no..its not fair but thats life!

There are other women i see who have less than i do but manage to get by and have always got some man after them…how do they do it? I am not bad looking but i have never had a man chase after me ever. I have always had to make the move.

I felt my ex was just right for me, it may sound strange. My exes did not have the same appeal.

The panic of them together is that he will forget me, that he will find the perfect one for him, that they will have everything i wanted to have.

I just dont want to be the one losing out this time..i feel its always me. things going wrong make me feel worse. I am better today but if things wear me down i get worse again. Things have a tendency to go spectacularly wrong for me it seems. I feel awkward in meeting people so it is twice as hard. Im tired of this jinx i have..i know people who just give up..they dont look for love because of the hurt..i dont want to be like that either but right now i cant see how to trust.

April 4, 2017 at 6:56 pm #143681
Mia
Participant
I thought I might chime in. I had terrible anxiety over a man I met, who I went a bit gaga over. He wasn’t a very nice guy, but I of course ignored all the signs and only wanted to see the positives.

When I cut ties with him, I constantly panicked that he was going find someone else and I would be extremely hurt and upset. In fact he’s the type of guy that probably would find some new gal pretty quickly.

I had a lot of anxiety about it all and was angry and jealous (even of something that hadn’t even happened yet) and then I took a step back and wondered why I was really feeling the way I was feeling. I realized it wasn’t really about him, it was about me not feeling like I was not lovable, that I wasn’t good enough and that because I thought he was so “wonderful”, I was hurt he couldn’t “love me”. I put him up on a pedestal and thought he was better than me. My self-esteem was so low, that I allowed a terrible guy who made me feel horrible, seem better than me! Even though he wasn’t wonderful AT ALL.

But then I took another step back and I was like, “What would my life look like if he decided to keep me in his life? Would I be happy? I tell what it would have been like, absolutely horrible. I probably would have become a drug addict or picked up some really bad enabling behaviors and stuck with a deadbeat man and I would have been miserable. If I had a child with him, it would have been a nightmare. The kid would have had such a stressful life. So now I picture this guy with a girlfriend and I am like “Great she can have him for sure! If I bump into them I will be like so happy for them. Let her have fun dealing with him. I sure am lucky to dodge a bullet!” And if for some magically reason she does manage to change him, to be a better man, then that is great too! Obviously, I wasn’t that person to change him and that’s okay with me.

We tend to paint unrealistic pictures in our mind of what is really happening, especially if we have low-self esteem. I say you need to learn to build up your self-love and self esteem, so you can understand how not to allow these type of men back in your life EVER. I have had social anxiety in the past, and for me personally it stems from low-self esteem. Once I built my esteem up, the social anxiety got much, much better.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Mia.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Mia.
April 4, 2017 at 7:38 pm #143687

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Wildoceanflower:

You wrote in your last post: “I felt my ex was just right for me.” Earlier in your thread you wrote: “My ex is highly egotistical, selfish and demanding”- so… selfish and demanding is just right for you? Couldn’t be, Wildoceanflower, no, no, no.

I wish your job paid enough money for you to live independently and I do hope you find one that does. If none exists where you live, maybe elsewhere…?

I wonder about where you live, you need not share it here, for privacy reasons, but you stated before that there are hardly any available men there, that the culture there is that men misuse women, and your job hardly pays any money. I wonder if moving to a place where higher paying jobs are available, as well as available men, may be a good idea for you?

You are probably scared moving, but you are scared staying as well…

anita

April 7, 2017 at 12:54 am #144023

wildoceanflower
Participant

Hi Mia and Anita,

Thank you, yes it does seem like i have low self esteem, or maybe its just bad things happening. I have my faults and perhaps blinkered vision is one of them. No one can force things to happen if they werent meant to be..i guess i have trouble with that. You start to wonder if anything will ever work out. I get my hopes up, i trust in things and then it comes crashing down and its a terrible disappointment and i find it hard to get up again. My ex had behaviours that are very similar to my mother who is the stronger personality in our family but who is also bullying, i think you learn patterns of behaviour that you are comfortable and familiar with..that is hard to break. I dont like faint men, neither do i like arguing all the time but both with family, in my job and in my old relationship i was compromising and being the smoothing agent all the time. its what i am used to but i am tired, because i never get what i want really. There is always a louder voice than mine.

I really don’t know that i can move just now. I don’t feel strong enough to do that alone. Ok so i live in a place which is for tourists in summer..the casual freedom of all these people looking for fun means there are also a few guys who are always flirting. I should learn not to be so serious but trusting someone will be difficult. But for me it was not so easy in the first place to go out and enjoy myself…which is what broke the relationship in the end.

April 7, 2017 at 7:29 am #144035

Anonymous
Guest

Dear wildoceanflower:

You suggested, I understand, that you may be attracted to bullying men because your mother is a bully. You wrote: “There is always a louder voice than mine”-

May your voice be louder than anyone’s, in your own ears, your own life. That way, you will not be attracted to someone else’s loud voice. You could then choose and be happy with a quiet, kind man.

anita
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