@anita @dreaming715

Thank you both so much for your replies.
Anita, I feel like you hit the problem spot on.

I have always known that I did not like dating for fun. I value actual potential for a lifetime partner, and so the moment I determined that was no longer possible for us, my feelings changed dramatically… I feel deep down that we wouldn’t work out and that there would be better partners for him instead of me due to what we both want out of life.
The rational side of my mind is upset with myself because there is no ‘logical’ reason for us to end this when it’s going alright, and there’s no certainty that one of us won’t change our minds and the possibility for a future together could happen. The things we differ on- he wants kids, I don’t; he wants to settle, I want to travel; he’s a realistic pessimist, I’m more of an optimistic idealist- there’s no telling if those things will change or not.

But I guess in the end my intuition has told me that I’m not the one for him and vice versa… that we probably won’t change our minds and that it might be best to let this go so I can focus on my dreams and potentially find someone who shares my goals during or after college. And that’s where I’m at a loss, because he still has hope for us while I do not, and so it’s hard trying to figure out whether I should wait and keep trying or try to convince him this isn’t what’s best for us… I don’t want to just give up, but I can’t stay true to myself unless this is discussed. Unless he can convince me that there really is still some hope, my emotions will not cooperate with our current plan.
I haven’t communicated this to him even though it’s been going on for about a month now, and that is my fault, but it was because I thought I was fighting for us when in the end I’ve only been fighting myself… it hurts to realize this. So hopefully today I will get a chance to tell him what’s been going on and see what he thinks we should do from here… if he really feels there’s still hope I don’t want to let go, but if he admits that he doesn’t think he will change either, then we’ll seriously have to consider taking things down a notch for a while.

Thank you so much for the help. I feel like you laid this out perfectly and that I finally understand why I’ve been so confused lately. I’m trying too hard to hold onto something that my heart isn’t actually invested in anymore, and for my health both mentally and physically, I need to tell him and trust that he’ll cooperate to figure out what’s best for us both.
I guess it’s just hard considering I have the worst timing in the world. Not only are we almost at one year, but my birthday is this Friday, haha… dumb reasons to not say anything though, so I won’t let that get in the way.
Anyway I really appreciate this and I’ll probably come back to report on how it goes later.

-Isra

@anita:

So we had the conversation. (=
At first it was hard because I was about to cry and wasn’t too sure of how to word things, but he gave me a hug which calmed me down enough so that we could talk about it more. With time I managed to tell him that the trouble I was having was that my mind was using logic while my heart was having a hard time grasping the idea that it was a good idea to just date for fun when I had no hope of a future for us, what with our long-term goals being different.

He ended up telling me that he knew he cared for me a lot now, and he knew he would still care for me just as much- or even more- in the coming months. He basically said that the way he sees it, there’s still a pretty good chance that his mind could be easily changed, which would mean that he thinks there’s plenty of hope. In the end he said it was my decision to make but I needed to listen to what my first thoughts were telling me, so I ended up with this:
I am not ready to call it quits with the relationship. He still means a lot to me, and while my heart might fear that there’s no hope, letting go of him would feel like an even bigger mistake than trying to stay. He’s not going to message me tomorrow until right before bed, where he has requested that I give him my ultimate decision about the whole thing.

I think my emotions are acting out of a place of fear rather than joy, and that’s not something I want to do in my life… if I decide to leave him just on the fear that there’s no hope left for us, then we ruin what could potentially be hundreds of good memories just around the corner. I think maybe with how little we’ve seen each other this month, maybe not seeing him gave me too much time to stretch my emotion. Not spending time with him let me feel even more distant than I normally would, because the moment I saw him today, I was happy being with him just as much as I am whenever we hang out.

Basically I’m trying to reach a compromise between my head and my heart, because if I go strictly with my head, my emotions will keep bothering me, but if I listen solely to my heart, I might drown out some obvious things around me because of how emotional I can become. Instead of picking either one, I’m hoping to find a logical but reasonable solution that will satisfy both sides. I just hope that my feelings can start to turn around from here. But I’m very glad with how the conversation turned out… he wasn’t mad at all, if only a bit scared I was breaking up with him, but he felt relieved I think when he finally knew what was bothering me. He’s willing to work on it with me for the better and he’s not trying to force me to stay, either.

In the end I think things will get better from here… I think I’ll be able to find a solution, and if we agree on it, then that’s that.
Thank you so much for your help in all of this, I really appreciate it!

-Isra

@anita:

I will definitely try to keep the conversation going. What I ended up doing before was often apologizing for my behavior and getting upset with myself for being so emotional at times, but I realize that it won’t help anything to keep doing that. It’s like apologizing for being myself, and that’s not what I should be doing.
Now, I did attempt to strike up conversation tonight with him about it, but he went to bed for swim practice in the morning, so I decided that I will wait until morning to send him a message that I worked on all day today. It basically states my current decision on staying in the relationship but that there are some things that need changing.

However, in doing so I’ve come to realize that maybe I’m losing myself too much in this relationship, and maybe that has created a lot of the anxiety that I feel. That is something I’ll have to work on, but I’m not entirely sure how to get started. I’ve wasted so much time worrying about the future and throwing myself pity parties due to the fact I’m a rather odd individual with different values than most, so often times I think I fear any relationship I have will end in failure.
I think deep down I have a fear that, inevitably, I will never find the right person for me, or that I’m better off flying solo. And perhaps that is the root for this entire thing: all the anxiety, the downfalls, the raging of emotions.

To be clearer, I had finally managed to rid myself of my depression and anxiety after a few months worth of therapy sessions just last summer. I’ve been a year clear for depression. But I found that as soon as I started dating him, my anxiety came back just as strong as it’s ever been. I really value independence and freedom, so the idea of having to compromise any of my dreams is not appealing at all, which has led me to feel like I’m selfish to some extent. Lately I’ve even been struggling to enjoy the things I usually do, simple things like researching or even just watching anime shows. I end up feeling guilty for things that used to bring me such joy and made me feel creative and free-spirited.

You’ve already helped so much, so I hate to drag this on even longer, but you’ve been the most help to me in all of this… so I’m wondering if you might have any ideas or opinions on these feelings as well? Is it selfish to want to put myself first right now, at the height of my educational life and dreams? I don’t devalue the relationship, but I don’t want it to become the center of my world right now. I’m not sure how to find a balance between putting energy into the relationship and also being the confident, free-spirited young woman I had finally started to be right before we started dating… I want to bring that version of me back.

-Isra

@anita:

Thank you again for the help. I guess the thing I forget as that some things are able to be compromised. I keep forgetting that compromise-able things are the things we want, not really the things we need. Not changing the things I need/my comfort zones is not selfish of me and any guy I end up with needs to respect that or find someone else.

It is indeed taking a lot out of me, but I believe it’s only because I have let it go this far… I let this happen. And now it’s my turn to fix it. I will take care of myself starting with not beating myself up for having the needs that I do. If I am different, that doesn’t mean I have to change to go with the majority of people I’ll ever meet… that is the last thing I should ever want to do.

I believe what I’m going to do now is lay down the line for him and just give him the facts that I currently interpret, both about myself and the relationship as a whole. He has agreed to look at some things I wrote down and hopefully it will sink in that he shouldn’t be waiting for me to change, just as I am not waiting for him to change. If he is alright with that, we will re-evaluate where we are before college starts and determine whether to end it or go through with long distance. If the relationship still isn’t strong enough by then, I will have to end it.

Also, so that I do not hurt myself further, I will keep track of my emotions over the course of the next month. If I do not feel any better about doing this, I will leave. If I do start to feel better, then I’ll know I made the right choice. I think it will be a win-win either way. (At least I’ll know I didn’t give up from the start.)

Thank you again for your help in all of this. Today is my birthday, so I’m leaving these worries to rest and carrying on with my life now. I’ve dwelled over these things for far too long and I think it’s about high time I crawled out of the shell I built up.

-Isra