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May 3, 2017 at 7:46 am #147859
JenniferParticipantIve taken a step closer to leaving my current position answering a phone all day. I spoke with my boss on a day I called out because I just couldn’t bring myself to go. I let her know what was going on, that I don’t feel this position is a fit, and that in the near future I’d be giving my notice. She was really receptive and understanding! I’ve not called out since but I’m awaiting a call for a per diem position in an ICU near me.
When I called out last week I spent the remainder of the day sending out my resume and contacted several HR offices in area hospitals. One recruiter took my name and gave me her direct line. We spoke Monday and she advised me to call her Friday if I hadn’t heard, as she sent my resume to several different unit managers. I’m hopeful I’ll get a call but also in a negative space analyzing what my next move would be if I don’t. I’m in a rush to leave this current job.
When I sit at this desk, I’m positive I’m making the right decision for myself, even if it does kick up financial and security fears. But then the problem; I think. What if I don’t get this other job….will I continue doing this current job out of fear? And all the opinions of other more “well adjusted” people in my life chime in as well.
My biggest fear is letting my mom down. She raised me to be independent, never needing to lean on or trust in another. It is unfortunate because her childhood demanded that, but mine didn’t. She has stage 4 pancreatic cancer and while she is responding to the treatment I can see her own urgency, but in her case it’s to see me secure in a manner which makes her comfortable in knowing I’ll b okay. I think many of my own fears were passed on to me and in a situation like this I know what is best for myself but I end up treading water, feeling paralyzed. I wish I could listen to, really hear, and follow my own intuition without all the second guessing, panic, and guilt.
If I don’t get a call, I doubt I’ll be able to stay at this job much longer. I just don’t want to judge myself if I quit and things go the way others project it will for me.
May 3, 2017 at 8:42 am #147871
AnonymousGuestDear Jennifer:
Congratulations for taking the steps that you took.
You are struggling with fear. In your first thread you wrote about “a pattern, I’ve historically been a ‘runner’. I’ve run from jobs, friendships, responsibility, and myself”- that is what we do when we are afraid: run (or fight), and soon enough, often, freeze, get paralyzed (which in your situation would mean staying in the job that you dislike).
To not run, you have to stay with this fear, stay as in enduring it best you can and not reacting to it in ways that are against your self interest. To endure it, you may want to adopt daily exercise into your routine, a walk per day.. distract yourself in other healthy way (relaxing music, guided meditation, etc.)- whenever you feel overwhelmed, get up and so something- a yoga stretch, make yourself hot tea, something.
This is your opportunity to handle your fear better. Of course, it would have been preferable if you didn’t feel fear at all, if you were calm and comfortable. If you had that option, I have no doubt, you would take it. I would!
You wrote that your biggest fear is letting your mother down: did this fear exist before she got sick?
You wrote about your mother: “She raised me to be independent, never needing to lean on or trust in another. It is unfortunate because her childhood demanded that, but mine didn’t.”- I didn’t understand the second sentence, can you explain? Also, if she raised you to be independent and confident in your capabilities to succeed in your endeavors, where did she fail?
anita
May 3, 2017 at 11:50 am #147899JenniferParticipantAnita,
I’m monitored heavily in my current position so I’m not able to step away except during approved and short periods of times that we’re assigned. There is a lot I could change as far as managing my time after work rather than predominantly spending evenings with my family or boyfriend or running errands; seldom have time for myself but I see that’s been my choice. My fear is not in staying in the job (this time), I know I could but it’s not what I want; years past I would leave jobs overwhelmed due to inexperience, which is luckily not the case anymore. My fear is in trusting myself enough to leave. Believing it’s okay, that I will get a job, that it’s not a defect or emotional issue causing my desire to leave but rather a job I dislike and that’s ok.
I believe my mom and dad are happy together now, but that was not the case during my childhood. They lived on very little and my moms spending created a lot of problems the details of which we were privy. I was often scared they’d lose their house and/or divorce. During this time my mom impressed upon me the importance of taking care of myself and not looking to depend on anyone else. She had no help from her parents and after being told she’d have to pay rent at 17 she moved out. By 21 she and my dad were married and she depended on him. They could not afford to divorce back then, and that was when I knew marriage and kids weren’t for me. Fear of being trapped have been profound Throughout my life and financial fear runs deep. My parents also frequently pointed out how something I was interested in might fail. I know it was from a place of concern but they passed their fears on to me; financial, interpersonal, second guessing self, etc.
My fear in letting my mom down far preceded her illness. I was a wreck less adolescent and needless to say when I arrived in AA I definitely needed to be there. But over the last 3 years a lot has changed internally and I’m far more capable of setting boundaries, etc, which a lack of ability to do so years ago caused me to burn out quickly in inpatient setting jobs. I had wanted to move away years ago but I felt guilty and stayed. In hindsight that was a good thing but I make so many decisions based on the needs or opinions of others. I feel myself slowly becoming aware of my most deep rooted fears on a more objective plane where I hope I can start changing my behavior around them.
My thouhts are all over so I hope that wasn’t too flighty!
May 3, 2017 at 8:53 pm #148007AnonymousGuestDear Jennifer:
Will be back in about ten hours or so and will reply then. Good night for now.
anita
May 4, 2017 at 8:46 am #148027AnonymousGuestDear Jennifer:
My understanding (and correct me where I misunderstand) is that you feel trapped, boxed in, in your current job. Your fear is about leaving and suffering financial damage, correct? Even though you saved money to sustain you for a while, you are still afraid of financial lack.
Your mother was unhappily married to your father. She stayed married to him for a long time because she couldn’t afford a divorce. They didn’t have much money but she spent more than they had, or more than your father was comfortable with. They voiced their financial concerns out loud so you heard those, or they shared it directly to you by telling you about it, in detail. As a result, as a child, you were afraid. Afraid that you will lose the only home you had (the house and parents in it).
While your mother shared with you (or out loud so you heard) about how they don’t have enough money, she also told you that you should make sure that you have enough money when you grow up. She also often pointed out how things you were interested in may fail.
From growing up with your parents, with your mother’s teaching, you learned three teachings:
1. (Any) financial lack is disastrous and must be avoided at all costs (the ongoing fear to lose home).
2. Being “trapped” or boxed in is unbearable (strong empathy for your mother who wanted out of an unhappy marriage).
3. Choices you make have disastrous consequences, or are likely to have such, bringing about financial lack and/ or being trapped.
As a result of these teachings you used to run, run, run (to avoid entrapment), felt great distress when not running in relationships or jobs, feared making choices, overwhelmed by the perceived too-heavy-to-carry weight of the consequences.
Am I understanding correctly? And can you tell me more about your guilt regarding your mother; what is it about?
anita
May 5, 2017 at 9:30 am #148135JenniferParticipantAnita,
That sums it up very well and is exactly how I feel. This morning I couldn’t even get out of bed and it has been suggested to me by my boss to look into FMLA through human resources, although she’s not sure I’ve been with the company long enough. I told her I would call today and also give her a finite decision as to whether I’m staying or resigning. If I followed my intuition, I’d leave without another thought and take time to look for another position I feel better suited for without the fear and harsh self criticism that I’m lacking “it”, that thing other people who work the same job until retirement while raising a family and going to the shore a few weekends a year have.
My mom and dad worked very long hours and overtime my entire life to barely make ends meet. I was never given spending money and we only went on one family vacation but I was far from deprived and got to enjoy many experiences because they invested in me. My mom just went out on disability after having this diagnosis 2 years….she didn’t believe she was entitled or that she should. It got to the point where she couldn’t function properly to actually perform her job so she finally called social services and was immediately told she qualified. Now that she has stopped working, I think she realizes how much she missed over the last 40+ years.
My mom has always believed in me, no matter what bottom I self imposed. Yesterday we had a great conversation and I told her about what was going on. She does not expect me to be ‘normal’ and just wants to be supportive as I find my way. She says she’s proud of me for getting to where I am and while she hopes I can find a job fit she doesn’t seem disappointed, but she does seem worried. I feel guilty that I haven’t been the daughter she deserved and that I’ve had such difficulty as the result of these fears I struggle to let go. They did not intend to cause that damage and I do believe they unconditionally love me. I’m an adult and I cannot blame them for my fears; I deeply want to move beyond them.
Ive watched others leave jobs without a clue what they’d do next and they just carried on with faith it’d be okay. I can’t even escape when I’m asleep, I wake up throughout the night with this on my mind. The ramifications of that include erratic behavior, distancing myself from others/isolation, and irritability. And STILL I waver to make a choice! The answer is there I’m just resisting, and when I resist the problems begin.
Thank you for getting back to me, this is so helpful!
May 5, 2017 at 9:54 am #148143AnonymousGuestDear Jennifer:
If you could extricate your childhood experience from your mother’s…, let me explain:
You wrote: “My mom and dad worked very long hours and overtime my entire life to barely make ends meet. I was never given spending money and we only went on one family vacation but I was far from deprived and got to enjoy many experiences because they invested in me”
Consider this: you wouldn’t have noticed that the family took only one vacation unless you heard your mother complaining about it, pointing it out. You felt connected to your mother, naturally, feeling great empathy for her, so you took her experience as your own. If you didn’t hear your mother complaining about barely making ends meet, you wouldn’t have noticed there was any financial problem because, after all, you were adequately fed and sheltered, clothed etc.
You wrote that you were “far from deprived and got to enjoy many experiences”- I assume you are referring to experiences possible by money. But notice this: you enjoyed maybe good food, clothes, etc.- but that enjoyment was of a sensual nature while at the time of enjoying those, or in between moments of enjoyment, was your suffering. You suffered because of what your mother told you.
She felt trapped and boxed in- you took in HER experience. She felt financial lack, you took in … her experience. She believed you were not deprived- but you were: you were deprived of a feeling of safety and well being so necessary for a child.
The “it” in your “harsh self criticism that I’m lacking ‘it’, that thing other people who work the same job until retirement while raising a family and going to the shore a few weekends a year have” – what do you think it is?
anita
May 5, 2017 at 10:24 am #148145JenniferParticipantAnita,
When I think about it it wasn’t my mom who was financially afraid, it was my dad. He would make the limiting or fearful comments, the most memorable of which was when I was around 7 or 8 I asked for a toothbrush when we were in the grocery store; he told me we were going to lose the house. My mom took out equity from their house to loan a friend in trouble a large sum of money who never repaid it…years later (I was maybe 12) my dad found out. That was another epic fight I was privy to. I felt like a burden and couldn’t imagine why they wanted kids when we were just a financial drain. It was my dad who had the financial fear. Neither of them seemed discontented by working, though. They just simply didn’t make enough.
The vacations came into play because so many of my peers vacationed and as I got older I would go with them and their families, but never with my own. One particular friend became like my family, I spent all my time with them, including school nights as my brother had become violent at that time. I recall thinking of them as family but realizing I was not when they would have me take their family photo at Christmas or other holidays. That was never pointed out to me by my parents, it was a comparison I made myself. Traveling became very important to me and something I wanted to do.
When I did get to do things, like ski, I knew they couldnt afford it and felt guilty. My dad worked in a highway department for the government and there was a single ski run there for the cadets that employees could use, so I got to learn. I also did sports in school and got to be a part of the ski club.
Im not sure if my mom or dad felt trapped, but when I was young and there were frequent divorce threats I certainly perceived it that way. Also, I could see their choice was made for them.
The ‘it’ other people have, I’m not sure what it is. It could be complacency or contentment, laziness or gratitude. My first nursing job was on a surgical unit and I met a nurse who had worked there since the year I was born. At the time I was 21 and I couldn’t imagine walking that same hall for 21 years, 5 days a week with every other weekend off. It completely blew my mind. She seemed content to me, though.
May 5, 2017 at 10:35 am #148147AnonymousGuestDear Jennifer:
I see. Your father is the one who shared with you his financial burden. (Too bad your mother used the equity of the house he too owned, without his knowledge or agreement- I wonder if she faked his signature..).
You were in a store with your father and asked for a toothbrush, then your father told you that you are going to lose the house. Interesting, how you remember asking for a toothbrush: I believe you remember that because what he told you next (losing the house) caused you great distress and that distress glued asking for the toothbrush into your memory.
I didn’t know that that “it” meant when I asked you above. I read your answer: maybe that “complacency or contentment, laziness or gratitude” is possible for others because they felt safer as children. Maybe “it” is safety?
Why was your brother violent; is he your only sibling and how is he now?
anita
May 5, 2017 at 3:45 pm #148199JenniferParticipantAnita,
Thats interesting about ‘it’ being safety. That makes a lot of sense! May be why no amount of money in savings or income or job creates that feeling of safety.
I have one sibling and my brother is 5 years older. By the time I was 10 he became pretty aggressive, pushing my parents around physically and breaking cabinets/phones. The police came a lot and a couple years later he got his first dwi. When I was 15 he went to jail after getting his third in NJ, but before he did he broke his hand assaulting me. (My mom also lost her job that year managing a printing press because it went out of business. It took her 4 months to get another comparable but lower paying position elsewhere.) He got divorced a couple years ago and during that time got sober for a year and since then he’s been completely different. He still drinks here and there but he has calmed down completely. He was a total stranger to me until the divorce. Now we talk on occasion and he just got remarried and I was in the wedding. I doubt I’ll ever feel close with him but when he went to jail I started acting out and that’s when I went from a straight A student to getting expelled within a three year period of time.
He now has a son and has worked at the same job even after going to jail. He was so well liked there they saved his job and he’s worked his way up to the top over the last 13 years. He’s still friends with kids he went to elementary school with and doesn’t seem to have issues anymore at all. He seems content and has become a lot of fun to be around.
Ive struggled to maintain relationships but over the last couple years I’ve had some consistency and that has been a major change. I reunited with one high school friend after his mom saw me working in an urgent care and got my number to give him. I don’t delete numbers anymore and I just got Facebook last Septmeber and like seeing posts from friends I’ve had living and working in different areas.
Im going to start meditating about this feeling of safety I seem to seek. That made a lot of sense. My childhood wasn’t perfect but it also wasn’t so detrimental I thought it could produce these behavioral problems I seem to have. I’d like to really identify what the fear is, how it’s triggered, and what action I can take to make my choices based on intuition and not fear. One of my favorite quotes is from Nelson Mandela, “May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears”. I also just watched a documentary about Maya Angelou and her capacity to shape her world despite serious childhood scars is incredible. I hope to have a backbone like that.
May 5, 2017 at 8:05 pm #148217AnonymousGuestDear Jennifer:
You wrote: “My childhood wasn’t perfect but it also wasn’t so detrimental I thought it could produce these behavioral problems I seem to have”-
Children and adult children are heavily invested in viewing their parents and childhoods in the best possible light, making believe any which way that it was not so bad, or way better than it was.
Your brother’s behavior is also indicative of a detrimental enough childhood.
Children recover very well from childhood of poverty, divorce, wounds if there is at least one person to attend to the wound (to see the distress, to ask the child, to listen, to validate, explain, empathize, teach, comfort; someone the child can trust, feel SAFE with). But if there is no such person, then a wound (seen later as not-so-bad) will keep bleeding and bleeding because there is no adult to tend to it.
anita
May 8, 2017 at 6:07 am #148453JenniferParticipantAnita,
My parents were always there for me, I believe, but during that time I was the low maintenance child and allowed to stay over my friends house on school nights to avoid the majority of his behavior so I think they just weren’t aware, thus I didn’t talk about it. When that final explosive attack happened I became very resentful for the remainder of my teens and blamed them for all of my emotional pain. Over those years I think they were on the defensive because they just didn’t realize or were in denial, but we’ve talked at length in recent years and it has even included my brother to a small extent.
May 8, 2017 at 7:01 am #148459AnonymousGuestDear Jennifer:
A few days ago your boss suggested you find out whether you qualify to be benefited by the FMLA (Family and Medical Leave Act), and also to let her know if you do intend to resign. Has there been a development in this regard?
Regarding your last post, stating you were a “low maintenance child”- you mean because you didn’t exhibit behavioral problems, unlike your brother? In that sense I guess you were low maintenance, but that doesn’t mean you got all the attention you needed (hardly any child does, I believe: there is so much a child needs that most parents are not able or willing to extend that much attention and energy).
anita
May 9, 2017 at 11:58 am #148739JenniferParticipantAnita,
I haven’t been there long enough to qualify for FMLA. I got a written warning for attendance today, but my boss was very nice about it. She’s been unbelievably understanding and kind. She knows I’m looking for something per diem but that I can’t quit until I find something. It’d be far more uncomfortable to not have a job than it is to crumble at this one. New grads are applying now which is flooding the positions I’m applying to but the HR reps at several hospitals have been really accommodating in resenting my resume to unit managers. Let’s hope!
My brother had a lot of issues in school at a young age and I was pretty self sufficient and didnt require a lot of assistance in general.
May 9, 2017 at 12:43 pm #148755AnonymousGuestDear Jennifer:
I am glad your boss is kind and understanding- that is fortunate! Hopefully the HR reps will be as helpful. Take it easy at work, and otherwise, one moment, one hour at a time. Keep yourself as calm as possible. When you find your thoughts rushing, that feeling of panic, calm yourself again and again, focus on your breathing, focus on what you are doing (mindfulness). It won’t work perfectly, but keep at it. Post anytime.
anita
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