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  • #132553
    Rachel Kovacs
    Participant

    My father-in-law passed away unexpectedly 6 month ago and my mother-in-law who has dementia has moved in with us. It really is like parenting a parent. A part of the condition is unjustified anger. She is continually accusing my husband and I of stealing her things and she talks to us disrespectfully. I am the only Buddhist in the family, though I try to teach my children Buddhist principles. I know that it is important for everyone to choose their own path. My question is this – Is there a way that I can meditate or anything that I can do to help my mother-in-law? I am trying my best to not take her anger and negativity personally. I know that she is grieving and her dementia makes it worse. She is completely stuck on the trauma of her husband’s death and uses it as a justification to treat everyone rudely. If we ever try to address her attitude, she says that we have no idea what she is going through. She does not see anyone else’s pain and stress except her own. I want to help her move through this, but I don’t know how.

    #132563
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rachel Kovacs:

    Your mother in law is behaving abusively toward you, and toward your children, is she not? Don’t your children hear her accusations and ongoing anger?

    If so, “do-no-harm” is a Buddhist principle. And are you not doing harm to your children by allowing a harming agent to live in your home?

    Another question: before her dementia, was she a peaceful, loving, calm person?

    anita

    #132569
    Rachel Kovacs
    Participant

    Anita,Thank you for your reply. You are correct about the do no harm principle. Unfortunately, there is no other option for my mother-in-law at the moment. She can no longer live on her own. I try to talk to my children (who are teenagers) about what is happening and how to respond. Before the dementia, she was a kind, calm person. We are trying to do what is best for her under the circumstances. Once we are able to sell her house, we may have the money to find her a stable medical facility. In the meantime, we need to find a way to protect everyone.

    #132575
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rachel Kovacs:

    It is unfortunate for your teenage children, although it …would have been worse, I suppose, if they were younger. The plan for the future, the medical facility, is a good plan. In the meantime, notice her behavior, if she becomes violent, then removing her from your home immediately must be done.

    Otherwise, if she is not physically violent, and is “only” making everyone’s life miserable, what can you do “to protect everyone”?

    I have no experience with dementia patients. Maybe someone with experience can help, maybe there is a support group, online or otherwise, for people living with a dementia sufferer where you can get ideas.

    And maybe a way to help everyone is in the verb “parenting a parent”- responding with reasonable negative consequences when she talks disrespectfully to others, and positive consequences if she talks respectfully to others.

    Another idea: you mentioned her grief over her husband death. She may be experiencing fear not having him in her life anymore, and maybe (I am speculating) that fear translates to anger. If you place a large photo of her husband in her room and an item that he gave her as a gift, or an item that belonged to him, preferably something soft to the touch, by his photo, maybe that will comfort her when anxious and so, reduce her anger.

    anita

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