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Partner stuck in EGO

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  • April 8, 2016 at 9:05 am #101290
    Crocus
    Participant

    Namaste to the wonderful people willing to help others. I have loved this site for a long time, it’s my morning wake up ritual 🙂
    I have zero complaints in life, I’m grateful for today and all that I have learned in life. So the current “lesson” I am facing in life has me questioning my own intentions.
    3 months ago my boyfriend and I got engaged and I moved in with him and his teenage daughter. I practice buddhism and self awarenes more than he does, but he’s always shown an interest and has said he finds it very helpful and our relationship was indeed peaceful, and inspiring. Life transitions. Perhaps he really did not want to co-habitate or get married.
    His recent “unhappiness” looks very much like ego based clinging, attachment, and aversion.
    I know people are not always grounded, it’s a flux and flow. It’s been stressful. Trying to be patient, trying to be compassionate, but there does come a point when one says it’s toxic and is not helpful to (me) and I thus question where the line is between being tolerant, accepting, and when I’m pushing my own agenda (unintentionally).

    What does his suffering look like?
    Clinging to black and white. Seeing criticism when its not there, having many expectations that are not met, judgements based on ego visions of “good looks this” and “bad looks like this”. It’s very deep at the moment, and nothing is left as it is. It’s like he’s stuck in it right now. Can’t see the forest for the trees, the gratitude for the sunrise, etc.
    And yes I can see that he is suffering.
    It seems the more I try to gently point that his expectations are the source of his pain, the worse he clings to them.

    Last weekend he decided that a “good” relationship is one where there are few disagreements, everyone would get along harmoniously and mus-understandings would not happen. So we decided to not get married. I have suggested to him that his beliefs about what is good or bad could be reviewed as a source for his unhappiness. And if he really wants to hang onto those beliefs, then YES we should end our relationship and he should pursue what does make him happy.

    Possibly, he is awakening somewhat.It gets worse before it gets better.
    I had no idea this was there, I believed he had worked through his ego a bit.
    The mirror is very bright for me lately. I am managing to maintain my own sense of well being, in this moment.

    Not sure if I am even looking for advice, or just sharing. Making a decision about what to do seems ego based at the moment. Does it really need to be fixed or is it just what it is?

    April 8, 2016 at 9:16 am #101291
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear crocus:

    If you do want input, will you write one paragraph describing the problem in the relationship without using the word Ego and the other Buddhist thinking terms, be specific and as simple and clear as can be?

    I am asking this because your post is not clear enough for me to reply to, if of course, you are interested in my reply.

    anita

    April 8, 2016 at 9:31 am #101295
    Crocus
    Participant

    Anita,
    He is unhappy and often angry because:
    -he feels that people often misunderstand what he said or what he meant. He gets angry about this, because he thinks people are falsely accusing him of things. (his words… falsely accusing). It could be as simple as his “intentions” were to take out the garbage after 9 pm, but if take it out myself at 8 pm because I see it hasn’t been done, I have “assumed” that he wasn’t going to do it. (I just did it because it was there and I was going out the door).
    -He gets angry and frustrated about things other people do. He has opinions about how things should have been done. (work related).
    -He gets frustrated if he feels I have “mis understood” what he said the day before or previous week. He’s being very “exacting”. The words I used were A, B, C. You are saying B, C, D.
    -He is very sensitive to what he considers criticism. (I am careful not to criticize, but a couple of times he chose to take it as criticism.). He will use the term “from my perspective… you criticized me”.

    It’s a way of being that is centered on giving every action a judgement. Right. Wrong. Good. Bad. I like this. I don’t like that. I expect this. When I don’t get it, I am angry and frustrated.

    And… people will tend to try and control those around them to GET the world to look like they want it to.

    I don’t follow that method though.

    April 8, 2016 at 10:10 am #101298
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear crocus:

    The poor guy has an overactive Superego (Freudian term) stuck in his head, another term for it is “Inner Critic”, an abusive inner critic that is criticizing him all day long. When you took the trash at 8 pm, his inner critic said to him: You should have taken the trash, you idiot! Only he projected the inner critic into you, so he was thinking something like: “Crocus is thinking: you idiot, you should have taken the trash!”

    He inaccurately projects his inner critic into you and into others.

    It is not his fault. It is not a result of him not being spiritual or buddhist enough. It is a result of the fact that he must have had a very critical parent/s and he naturally internalized that parent/s as the voice in his head that keeps the harsh and excessive criticism going and going.

    There are ways to heal from a toxic inner critic. First it needs to be recognized, the projections identified and reality examined. For example, he could ask you: when you took the trash out at 8, were you trying to tell me I should have taken it out myself already?

    And you would answer: no, I was simply on my way out, wasn’t thinking what you thought I was thinking.

    Through honest and trustworthy communication with you, he can identify, question and challenge his inner critic.

    What do you think?

    anita

    April 8, 2016 at 1:02 pm #101312
    Crocus
    Participant

    Thank you Anita.
    I may revisit Byron Katie. Is it true? Perhaps he would benefit from those exercises. Examining the thoughts.

    April 8, 2016 at 7:13 pm #101332
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear crocus:

    Was your note above for me? “Is it true?” – what? Who is Byron Katie? What exercises…?

    anita

    April 13, 2016 at 3:17 am #101693
    MONICA
    Participant

    Crocus,

    That was just perfect! No you dont need advise at all imo. was beautiful and I’m so glad you shared. I know that guy and nearly lost my self trying to help and for way too long. it was so plain and clear to me clinging desperately to that misery was all he knew & may ever know. Getting involved caring for someone then learning they are NOT who they claimed or appeared to be is part of this honing process, not for them it’s for us, to learn and test truth. It’s like a living thing must thrive and would disappear/ die if kept in a box, so it grows when challenged and shared.
    Thank you so very much

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