Hi All,

i am coming here to tell my story because i feel like no one else has ever been through the same thing so it would be nice if maybe someone come forward. also i cannot afford counselling, my family i have tried to talk to them about it but they dont understand. and my boyfriend who i love dearly can only be there for me so much because what i have done has hurt him so it doesnt seem fair he should be strong and support me while he is hurting.

so this is what has happened. a year ago i met my boyfriend. at that time i was very promiscuous. i was sleeping around a lot. i moved countries to try to stop yet continued the behaviour once i arrived. i didnt sleep with my boyfriend the first time i met him, i kissed him though, however after our first meet i did sleep with 2 other people. we then met again at his cousins birthday, kissed again – i had never had such strong feelings for someone with just a kiss! his embrace made me feel like the most special person on the planet. after that we begun to date, we went for dinner but also continued to meet for crazy drunk nights. we slept together about a week in. i also slept with 1 person after we slept together, once when i was drunk. and kissed one other. we were officially bf an gf after around 6 weeks, 1 month after i had been unfaithful. i had been used so much that i was blind to the real thing. even he told me that he didnt want me to go with anyone else, but i had heard that line before and ignored it.
i felt terrible on both. i also felt terrible on my past and did everything to cover it up, to show i had strong beleifs about sex being special – which i did but just never followed…. however often former flings would msg on fb and my bf would find out – i would try to cover it or say they were just friends.
by january this year we were very happy we planned our future, wedding, buying a place. i live in europe and my family are in australia – we bought tickets to go and see them in december, and he was going to propose. for the first time in my life i was happy.
then i got one of these msgs from a former fling, and i didnt tell him until the next day, which led to him asking when are these msging guys going to stop? how many are there – at which point he forced the “number” out.
he couldnt handle the number and when he asked if there were any after our first kiss i lied and said no. then one day things were going better – he was dealing with the number but it plagued him sometimes – we were talking on the balcony and my eye was caught by a guy on the street and i stopped listening to him for a second. i knew wat i did was wrong – from here the fights blew up and all came out, the 2 guys in between, the kiss, and the guy after we were dating.
he has stayed to keep trying… i love him so much and i am glad but it is very hard and here is why
him staying is great but he is hurt. he and i also want that i forgive myself and heal from the promiscuity which as we have spoken about it was a form of self harm, addiction, power, looking for love, attention and depression, so something not easy to just deal and move on with. I was sexually assaulted when i was 11 and 12 – by someone my own age. it also stemmed from not having a family with strong values, a former boyfriend with a sex addiction, and my other ex who was crazy possessive – and he holds this against them. i tried to speak to my mum about it (who was also promiscuous and loves brushing things under the rug) but she says the only reason i am facing any of this is because he is making me and wants me to hate them. this is not true, at some point in my life i would have had to face my demons and start the healing process and still i would have to go to her and tell her i had some issues with her. i feel lucky and “saved” by my boyfriend, how long would i have continued to be self destructive without him?

i also know its all my fault i chose to mistreat myself and abuse the act that should be sacred. i know that i have truly only made love to one person in my life and that is my current boyfriend.

now we have gotten to today – for the time being i am not speaking with my family. i have not blocked them out i am just putting my relationship, my boyfriend and myself first.
i am depressed, i hate myself. i am plagued by thoughts because i cant figure out why i would be so stupid to do what i was doing for so long, which was constantly looking for sex. i feel like self harming, i want to cry all the time, i dont want to be at work, i dont want to tell my friends about it. i spoke to some relatives – my uncle who is a recovered alcoholic and it helped but i still dont know how or where to start forgiving what i ahve done.

and then there is my boyfriend, he can be happy and good for days and then all of a sudden msg and say i cant stop thinking that just 1 year ago u were sleeping with 3 people. or the number is so large i dont know if i can handle it. or i am afraid you will go back to that life, i am afraid you miss it. or what you did is disgusting how can i trust you to raise children, or people will talk about you and your behaviour when we have kids and they will get bullied (we live on a small island) and its so hard to be there for him and lift him up to see that we can be happy when i am sad and depressed. he says he doesnt know me as i put out a fake persona for a year (this is true but it is the persona of the person i wished i was all along) i know i will never go back to that life – even if he left me tomorrow i have come far enough that i can keep healing and not go back to what i was doing, but even i feel judged and awkward of people knwoing wat i did, i feel dead inside. i dont know who i really am. i was this fake happy person for so long i am now lost.

i am nervous to go and see my family or even speak to them because they expect that person to come back 🙁
i have realised lots over these past 2 tumultuous months, i have learned so much about spirituality and soul from my boyfriend in this last year i have known him. i know i have changed immensely in so many aspects of my life. but then i come back to the self-forgiveness and it all feels impossible. i keep comparing myself to EVERYONE knowing no one else acted like this. so why did i?
i feel guilty cos not only have i hurt me and been hurt, i probably hurt some of these guys i went with 🙁
its all a lot to do on my own. i want to lean on my boyfriend but he doesnt deserve it. to be honest i think he is too good for a dirty slut like me.