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Realising I'm co-dependant

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  • April 9, 2017 at 6:21 pm #144319
    Patricia Hart
    Participant

    I am new to this forum and stumbled upon it as I try to make sense of my situation. I have just come out of another failed relationship with a man who has narcisstic behavioural problems. I spent two years trying to make a relationship work that clearly wasn’t going to and I slipped deeper into depression. I finally got the courage to walk away but I am broken hearted as I am grieving the loss of ‘what might have been’, the hopes that I’d be finally loved for who I am. I was reading about Narcissim and co-dependancy when I had this light bulb moment. It was like everything I knew deep inside of me, finally came to the surface. My mother is a Narcissist and I have been co-dependant to survive. I have been sexually and physically abused as a child and she pretended it didn’t happen, although she knows it has, as a doctor examined me after one incident. I have no boundaries and keep searching to be loved in all the wrong places. I feel as though I am ‘not good enough’ as each relationship starts with adoration but quickly develops into abuse and I give myself away. This last relationship has been mental torture and it took me two years to work it out. I am very lost and fear that my life will always be this same continuous loop. Prior to this current relationship, I had been single for 3 years, in therapy and felt ready to move on but I still choose someone who was childlike and emotionally unstable. I am 60 now and feel that I wasted my life looking for love and to prove that I am worthy of being loved. I am in a job that requires me to care about others when I can’t look after myself. I am getting a mental health plan set up today and hoping to address my childhood and co-dependancy as I fear what will happen if I don’t. It’s hard to take a good look at yourself and realise that you weren’t loved as a child or as an adult. I don’t know if I should continue in my work as I meet clients with similar issues as myself. Sorry for ranting on but I haven’t been able to discuss it with anyone so I thought that maybe this would strike a chord with this forum.

    April 9, 2017 at 8:12 pm #144329
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Patricia Hart:

    You mentioned an abusive childhood, being unloved by your mother (“It’s hard to take a good look at yourself and realize that you weren’t loved as a child”). And you feel that you weren’t loved as an adult either. It is true: there is not enough love in the world, and when you start your life with unloving parents, it sets the stage for dysfunction.

    It is important to evaluate a candidate for a relationship before doing the “hiring”- to learn who the man is before getting involved, take notes if it helps, over time. If you do consider a relationship in the future study him first. Make sure he is able and willing to love another person, that he already has a loving history.

    It is not too late…

    anita

    April 11, 2017 at 3:35 pm #144629
    philozopher
    Participant

    Hi Patricia,

    I have just registered (after hovering for a couple of weeks) to reply to your message as it struck a chord with me. I have just been dumped for a third time by a man with narcissistic tendencies – yes, I did allow myself to go back to this man after he broke it off with me twice before! Each time lasted a two years before the emotional abuse got so out of control that he finished with me blaming me for everything. So, first of all, well done to you for recognising the abuse and breaking free of it yourself. I am currently beating up on myself for allowing myself to waste 6 years of my life on this man. I am 45 btw so feel as if I have given away my last childbearing /marriageable years believing he would change.

    Another element that resonated with me was the fact that I too had a narcissistic mother. She died a long time ago and I have had a lot of therapy over the years to deal with the emotional abuse from that relationship. And so, now, I find I am grieving on a scale that is overwhelming because issues from my past are also coming up. I am currently seeing a counsellor and a spiritual healer and it is helping me identify my issues both from the past with my mother and my addiction to men who are emotionally abusive and incapable of loving me as I deserve.

    I nearly cried when I saw that you wrote: “It’s hard to take a good look at yourself and realise that you weren’t loved as a child or as an adult” because I feel exactly the same right now. But are you sure that you don’t even have friends who love you? I know that I do and I am trying to reconnect with them…one at a time. I am writing a journal every day and filling it with positive affirmations, even if it is just a hug from someone. I have to tell myself every day that my life is not over, that people meet people that love them every day, that it all starts with loving myself. Love yourself and the rest will follow. It has only been a month since my break up and some days I am crying all day but I am also letting a whole lot of other issues out. Please don’t beat up on yourself.

    All the best

    E

    April 12, 2017 at 8:51 am #144713
    Jennifer
    Participant

    Hey Patricia,

     

    Your share is really beautiful and I identify with so much, especially the difficulty in looking over your past and the relationships held there. I’ve found that the growth is in the awareness and acceptance of the past. I must first become aware, which I avoided for years because it was painful. Once aware, I couldn’t become un-aware, so acceptance was the key. One of the best things I heard someone say was “I must give up all hope of a better past if I wish to have a peaceful now”.

     

    I also have gotten bogged down with labels, co-dependent, alcoholic, you name it.  But I believe those behaviors are a symptom of that pain, operating on a level just below consciousness. Once aware we get the opportunity to change.

     

    I have become aware of many things and can look over my past at the recurrent and destructive patterns and truly feel compassion for the child in me. And frequently I continue the behavior well after awareness….and that is okay.

     

    Its wonderful to have found this site and see other people seeking to grow. You have so much to offer, you’ve certainly offered much to me in sharing!

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