Dear 1873bd:

You shared that you recently had an epiphany. I am paraphrasing: you believe that your older cousin who sexually abused you, as well as your father who suggested that you wanted it to happen, both have damaged your mental health.

When you were 6, your 9 year old cousin forced you to do some sexual things that you didn’t want to do. It happened during the course of one year. You didn’t tell your mother because you didn’t want to get your cousin into trouble and your understanding of what happened, at 6-7 years old, was limited. You never talked about it, and eventually forgot about it until a few years ago when as a teenager (13) , after not having seen your cousin(16) for a while, you saw him again.

“He did the same thing to me as he did before.. I woke up to him touching me inappropriately”. You told your mother, she cried and promised you that you will not see your cousin again, that you will be safe. She followed her words with action and your cousin was placed in some kind of a behavioral correction program, and you haven’t seen him since.

You told your father about what happened and “he asked if deep down I wanted  my cousin to do that”. When later you confronted your father about having said that, he denied that he did.

As a result of these happenings: “I’ve done things I’m not proud of… and now I struggle with depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety and possibly a personality disorder… I feel abnormal and separated from people and fear they will judge me for what happened… I can’t bring myself to confront what happened. I still feel like I deserve it deep down”.

My input today: I noticed that you shared that your father asked you if “deep down” you wanted your cousin to do what he did, and you ended your post with feeling that indeed you deserve it “deep down”.

Here is a website that may be helpful to you, unique foundation. org/ sexual arousal and abuse without shame:

“Your body does lots of things automatically, without any thought from you. When you eat, your body immediately starts digesting your food… The same thing is true of sexual arousal: it’s a natural process in our bodies.. When we are touched sexually, our whole physiology is designed to give us pleasure. These are natural bodily reactions over which we have no control.. Yet survivors still feel shame and guilt if they experienced sexual arousal during abuse… Abuse can create confusing and conflicting reactions for survivors. On one hand, you wanted to scream out and make the abuse stop. On the other hand, your body possibly experienced pleasurable sensations.

“THERE IS NO SHAME IN A NATURAL RESPONSE- You should know this: if you experienced sexual arousal or pleasure during your abuse, it doesn’t mean you consented to or enjoyed what happened… It means your body did what bodies are supposed to do… You don’t feel shame that your body digests food without your permission, and there is nothing shameful about any of the other natural things that your body does”.

Is the above helpful to you in any way?

anita

Dear 1873bd:

When I read your original post on the other thread two years ago I did not want to comment on the nature of the two incidents you described there because it is a public forum. I will explain: the two incidents (even if the second was true) were of no consequence to your brother. He wasn’t hurt in any way, like you suggested yourself. But here is the thing: if I said this in that thread, someone reading my words may think something like: oh, it’s a matter of no consequence, so I can touch my own baby sibling and not worry about it. I don’t want this kind of misinterpretation, so I didn’t post there what I am posting here.

You wrote in that thread, yesterday: “Nothing I will ever do will ever erase what I’ve done… I’m incredibly remorseful and ashamed of what I’ve done… The guilt is unbearable sometimes”- you are way, way overreacting to that one incident and this overreaction will not help you to continue healing and recovering,  it will not make you a better person. Letting go of this undeserved guilt is congruent with your continued healing!

You need somehow to let go of the guilt and shame, it is very exaggerated and underserved. Everyone makes mistakes, and your mistake was (1) of a very short duration, (2) it was not repeated, (3) it did not involve inflicting any physical or psychological damage to your brother,  not short term and not long-term (4) you were only nine, and I mentioned earlier the concept of “youthful offender”, which the law gives a lot of weight in favor of the youthful offender because a child is limited in the ability to resist impulses and consider long-term consequences.

I hope this makes you feel better, I really hope so, because from all that you share, you are a  good person who does not deserve to suffer unnecessarily!

anita