I guess I’m more of a mess than I thought. April’s love challenges go right to the heart of my deepest conflicts, and I am feeling like maybe I’m biting off more than I can chew. Maybe I’m not capable (yet) of spreading joy and love, because I am not ready for today’s challenge.

Identify something hurtful I’ve done for which I haven’t forgiven myself, and then APOLOGIZE to the person I hurt to both ease their pain and pave the way for self-forgiveness? Ouch. What if I’m not ready to apologize? What if I want THEM to apologize to ME first?

I hurt my in-laws a couple of years ago by disassociating with them entirely. Many ‘misunderstandings’ had happened over the years, so that when the final ‘misunderstanding’ occurred, I overreacted. I acted out of anger. They’d stopped my my house unannounced one day while my husband was out running errands. By the time he got home, I’d had my fill of the in-laws entirely. I called the mother-in-law out for every perceived slight that had happened over the years, regurgitating hurt feelings, and basically telling her that the next time she wanted to come visit, she should call ahead first and make sure her son was there to visit with. She called me a b**** and hasn’t been back since.

I owe her an apology for my outburst, but I’ve been hard on myself not because of how I treated them. It’s more because the disassociation has hurt my husband, my sons. I’m OK with not being part of that unhealthy relationship with my in-laws, but it really bothers my husband that I’m not welcome at his folks’ house and they aren’t welcome at ours when I’m home. Did I intend to hurt the in-laws? As much as I’d like to say no, the reality is that yes, yes I did. But, I did not fully understand how it would hurt my husband and make things with the family so uncomfortable.

How do I apologize – and be sincere about it – when I still harbor so much anger and resentment? How do I get past the need for a reciprocal apology? I want to apologize to help alleviate the negative feelings between the households, but I still don’t want anything to do with them.