Home→Forums→Relationships→Regretful after breaking up – but is it too late?
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August 16, 2018 at 8:16 am #221709
Me2445ParticipantHi,
I have never posted in a forum but reading the thoughtful articles and seeing the community support inspired me to share my story and seek people’s (honest) thoughts. I apologize in advance for the length – I feel like in this case the details would help to understand my situation and why I am looking for perspective.
My gf and I met about a little over a year ago, roughly 6-7 months after my prior relationship ended (I am 30 and she is 29). We were quickly head over heels for each other, traveled a lot together and things were going great; I felt especially happy because I thought I was moving on from my prior relationship and had found someone who was better suited for me (the prior relationship had ended because of the ex’s insecurities related to some of my health issues and my not coming from a wealthy family).
Things started getting sour a few months into the relationship, and we went through a couple of vicious cycles. The first one was when we ran into my ex girlfriend randomly in the streets (never thought this could happen in NYC). The exchange was brief but Left me unsettled and disturbed – I thought, “what if I am not actually over her, what if I didn’t get the closure I thought I did?” . The ex felt the same way and after exchanging a few texts, we decided that perhaps we needed to speak one last Time for closure. I hid this from my new girlfriend of course, but she suspected something and went to look into my text messages and discovered I was planning to meet the ex. That left her shocked and shattered, untrusting of me. I apologized then for lying to her, and put in a lot of effort to make things work (cancelled meeting the ex), but I sensed that she never really trusted me after. This created a lot of tension between us – making us irritable, leading us to arguing a lot. In parallel, discussions about moving in together were surfacing (her lease was coming up soon and I felt like I could not take my own living situation anymore), but inevitably turning tense because I felt like it was a bit early (just a few months in) and she lived that like another rejection (even though she eventually agreed it was tol early too). This exarcebated the fights between us, To the point where I felt drained and felt like I needed a break for “Air” and to be able to get some perspective on things. She took that break very badly, but after a few days being separated we decided to give it another shot because we genuinely loved each other (by then, I had also decided to close the door with my ex for good).
The second cycle was fast forward a couple of months later (now Feb – March this year): things were going better between us, I felt I was starting regaining her trust, and we had agreed to reopen discussions about moving in together a few months down the line. That’s when life hit on my end: all at once health issues resurfaced, and I lost my job due to a corporate restructuring, which was also threatening my visa. This put enormous stress on my wellbeing, sucked the life out of me and left very little energy for our couple. She tried hard to help me and to be supportive; but me being stubborn and very type « A », believing one has to deal with their own stuff by themselves (I grew up without a father and am used to always being the strong figure of the family), I wanted to handle it all by myself and resisted leaning on her and our relationship. And as I kept spiraling down and creeping into depression, I saw that the situation was creating distance between us, which made me feel guilty and paradoxically made me want to handle it alone even more. Tensions and fight crept on us as we were both on edge. After a few months of this toxic « spiral », I felt the need to resort again to asking for « space » to regain my footing. She accepted it, and after a few days I felt like clarity hit me: suddenly I could see how I was letting external factors impact my self worth, how I could regain control of my wellbeing, how I had to change to stop distancing myself from my partner and lean on our relationship instead. But by then it was too late: she felt like she couldn’t handle it anymore.
We’ve been separated for over a month, and we have been communicating often albeit not seeing each other much. I have kept reaching out to her, apologizing for wearing her out, laying out the various ways that I am trying to transform to be better (including seeing a therapist), and expressing my determination to work on being a better partner to her, one who can lean on her and communicate better. The couple of times I have seen her, she seemed to be so nice to me (lots of tenderness, kissing), but immediately after she pulls back and communicates less and less. I am at a loss because of what I perceive as mixed signals on her part (coming to pick her things up but leaving half at mine, not telling me that she wants to do NC or that we are broken up but acting that way), not that I don’t understand that.
I feel like I am losing her and feel enormously guilty that my behavior pushed away someone who was good for me (for reasons not related to our relationship really) and with whom I saw as a soulmate in many respects. I truly love her and believe we have everything to offer to each other to build a committed, healthy relationship, and it breaks my heart that things might end this way. I can’t shake our last exchange as I was about to leave on a 3-week holiday to see my family (planned before): she said everything I told her in the past weeks meant a lot to her, she wished me to have a good holiday; and I told her that I was determined to continue changing to be a better partner, even if that would make me a « romantic fool » in the end if things don’t work out. She didn’t make any mention of where her head is at, or of wanting to meet again when I am back.
I know she is implicitly asking for us to have our own space for a few weeks, and she wants me to feel better. But with no indication on her part of what our « status » is, I feel like I am at a loss . I want to believe that if we are meant to be this time may benefit us, but I also know that if neither of us makes a move then nothing will happen. The hopeless romantic in me says I should keep hope, but my reason is telling me i should be careful about foolishly hoping if she is simply not able to tell me things are over on her end.
For those who have faced similar situations, how do you fight the guilt and fear of losing someone, the uncertainty about where the other person’s head is at, while giving them « space » ? How much “pursuing” is too much?
I am just hoping for some opinions / perspective on things to see what others have learned in similar situations.
August 16, 2018 at 9:19 am #221739
AnonymousGuestDear Me2445:
These are my thoughts on different parts of your share:
1. When you ran into your ex girlfriend in NYC (has happened to me too, having run into, randomly, no planning, into someone I knew in NYC and it surprised me too!), you felt “unsettled and disturbed”. That feeling alone led you to initiate further communication with the x. We often do get alarmed by our feelings, believing that distress means something needs to be done. Often time, we just need to take a long walk and calm down, then think: is there something I need to do? If not, let it be. Emotional health is about not automatically reacting to any one feeling we happen to experience.
2. “leading us to arguing a lot… This exacerbated the fights between us… fight crept on us”. Not a single argument is necessary between a couple in a supposed loving relationship, not a single argument. Conversations are okay, respectful communication at all times no matter how one feels, is possible. It is the two of you responsible for those arguments and fights. Because life hardly ever goes smoothly, unless a no-aggression-policy is established between two people, there will be more and more arguments and fights throughout and that is not a good way to live.
3. “I wanted to handle it all by myself and resisted leaning on her and our relationship”, no person is that strong. We are born as social animals needing others, needing relationships, leaning on trusted others, at times.
4. “she seems to be so nice to me (lots of tenderness, kissing), but immediately after she pulls back”- either she genuinely feels affection for you and then anger, withdrawing, or she fakes the affection and then withdraw so to punish you.
“coming to pick her things up but leaving half at mine”- it is a mixed message. There is an intent there on her part, to communicate to you that she is not in but not out of the relationship either.
5. “feel enormously guilty that my behavior pushed away someone who was good for me”- your efforts to get together with the ex girlfriend was wrong and it was your sole responsibility. The arguments and fights are not your sole responsibility, but a shared responsibility with her. Her giving you mixed messages (not being honest with you) is her sole responsibility.
6. “She didn’t make any mention of where her head is at, or wanting to meet again when I am back”- she either doesn’t know where her head is and/ or she is trying to punish you. ”
7. As to your question, “How much ‘pursuing’ is too much?”- if I was you, I would do the following: I will set the responsibility issue clear with her (# 5), apologizing sincerely yet again for your responsibilities (100% for contact with the ex girlfriend following the random meeting, and 50% for the arguments and fights following). Then I would let her know about her mixed messages to you and let her know that you hope that she will communicate clearly to you if and when she is able, to let you know her thoughts and feelings however conflicted, including her anger at you.
Listen to her response. You are welcome to post again with her response, and if you would like my input on her response, I will do so.
Regarding your health issues, what are they, if you would like to share?
anita
August 16, 2018 at 11:32 am #221769Me2445ParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for your response. Your thoughts are wise and encouraging and I really appreciate you taking the time to share them with me. You are totally right about emotional health and not reacting “automatically” – that’s one aspect I am trying to work on, and I have found that regular exercise & breathing practice (yoga notably) helps to settle thoughts down.
Re: the health issue, I have a congenital heart disease called hypertophic cardiomyopathy (HCM), which can trigger sudden cardiac death (my father passed away from the same disease very young). I was diagnosed 3 years ago, have been taking beta-blockers daily since. I realized that until now I had repressed my feelings towards the disease and was forcing myself to feel resigned/”nonplussed” about the possibility that I may die suddenly at any given point in time; I think that participated to my tendency of wanting to deal with everything by myself. After some tests done earlier this year, I found that I need to undergo a procedure to implant a defibrillator, a sort of “life insurance” in case something happens in my heart. It is not a benign procedure at my age (physically and aesthetically), and for a while I think I did not know how to react to this other given all the other things that were happening; but after meeting recently another young person whose life was saved thanks to the same procedure, I decided that it was time for me to be proactive about living again (vs. being resigned to dying randomly) and am ready to it as soon as this fall.
You are also right that the responsibility for contacting my ex was mine alone – I have expressed that to her, but perhaps not in a way that made her feel secure/understood, so I will express that again. About 1 week ago I actually gave her a letter I wrote where I expressed that and other areas that I took responsibility for (notably, for not listening/communicating deeply enough when we argued and for resisting leaning on her by fear of appearing “weak”). She read the letter in front of me; her reaction was : “I don’t see this as the end” and “it means a lot to me” (that’s when we kissed / laughed, and she decided to leave her things with me), but also “how is one to trust that your newfound clarity will last” (I offered for us to go to counseling if she were open to that, and for us to go on a trip together to reconnect). That was last week, but since then it’s been the pulling away again (not responding to my asking if I could see her before I leave on my trip, avoiding any mention of what we discussed re: counseling and trip).
It turns out I just received a message from her as I am writing this response (life has funny timing sometimes). She saw that I arrived in Paris today (to see my family) and sent “I hope you enjoy time with your family and have a good trip – I know you will.” So this feels like another mixed message (she didn’t really respond to my messages before I left) – perhaps as you suggested she is truly conflicted about where her head is at and wants to see if I can really become and remain that better version of myself.
I like your approach for #7 – my intuition was telling me to do that but I was afraid of appearing “needy” or “pushy”, and your suggestion encourages me to go ahead. Would you recommend me I send now or wait a bit (e.g. a few days or when I am back in 3 weeks)? That feels far ahead in time and against my intuition but at the same time I want to show her I can “hold” the space she is willing to give me patiently.
ME
August 17, 2018 at 4:44 am #221869AnonymousGuestDear ME:
I read some about HCM in medline plus and in Wikipedia (a long entry there). It is clear then that strenuous physical activity is to be avoided, correct? And I suppose, keeping your life as calm as possible is a plus, for any person, and definitely for you.
Here is my concern: it seems like you are taking all the responsibility for the trouble in the relationship. It is not all your responsibility and she has at least an equal share in it.
Withdrawing from you by not answering your messages is not acceptable to me. When she finally contacts you she is polite and well wishing, but by not answering before, she is being rude to you. Some call it “the silent treatment”, it is a.. silent form of aggression. Being polite when she finally contacts you doesn’t undo the fact that she chose to not answer your messages before.
You wrote: “perhaps as you suggested she is truly conflicted. and wants to see if I can really become and remain that better version of myself”- again, as if you are the Guilty One and you have to prove to her that you are no longer guilty.
When she contacted you so far, sent you a message, didn’t you respond to her within a reasonable time, every time she sent you a message? She doesn’t. This behavior on her part is not a better version of herself, is it?
And so, regarding your last paragraph, I suggest that you send it to her now, and not wait. But do so if you are prepared for the possibility that she once again will not respond to your message. Maybe if and when she does contact you later, she will ignore it altogether.
You have to put your emotional/physical well being on the top of the list of your priorities. The right girlfriend for you would be one who is dependable and reliable, consistent. One who is honest and straightforward. One with whom you won’t have to guess as to what is going on; she would tell you and you would trust that what she tells you is her truth.
I would like it if you posted again with your thoughts, feelings and developments.
anita
August 17, 2018 at 3:46 pm #221973Me2445ParticipantDear Anita,
You’re right about HCM – any strenuous or competitive physical activity is dangerous, and while I can’t resign myself to just golf (like my cardiologists joke), I have had to give up things like martial arts and soccer that I used to love. And indeed, stress is not good for the heart, especially the broken ones (literally and figuratively) 🙂
I thought about your point about not taking all the blame in the relationship and not accepting the “silent treatment”. You’re right that a relationship on the whole is a shared responsibility, and that not recognizing that (i.e. thinking that the relationship can work again if only make efforts to learn from my mistakes) in a sense goes against rebuilding my self-worth which has been affected by the recent life events.
That being said, in spite of my frustration with her silence I felt like I owed it to her to allow her space to think things through and get some clarity, if that’s what she was trying to tell me but is not able to communicate; I know this situation has affected her deeply too (I notice she lost much weight) and that in the end we are all trying our best, if we assume people are not looking to hurt other intentionally (and I don’t believe she is). I do want to be with someone who is consistent, and honest/straightforward; and so I thought I should continue to act as such myself, like I have been doing in the past 4 weeks, and not deviate from that – playing mindgames with “no contact” and waiting strategies is not who I want to be, and that I should show her that.
So I decided to follow your advice and send her a response now, taking responsibility again for my share of the issues, and letting her know i hope that when and if she will be able to communicate her thoughts she will feel comfortable coming to me, however conflicted she may be about our relationship; that I was available always if she wanted to talk and that I wished for her to be well either way. Crafting what I felt was a stable/resolute yet compassionate message was the way to be true to myself. I reminded myself I may not get a response for a few days or at all, and if that’s the case it will be ok – I cannot control what she does, but I can control what I do, and at least I will have no regrets because I will not have let my ego stand in the way of doing what I felt was right, I will have done what takes more courage for me even if she didn’t. That feeling in turn will help me focus on my own wellbeing in the meantime – something that will be good for me regardless of the outcome.
I thought about the notion of “shared responsibility”, and realized it also means that the relationship doesn’t “belong” to either person. So if she doesn’t want to engage anymore, I should not feel regret about being left “holding” something broken by myself, because that would mean there is nothing left to “hold” anymore.
I will keep you updated on her response, if and when it comes (and even if it doesn’t…). I would love to hear your thoughts on the above in the meantime. Thank you again for taking the time to listen and share your perspective.
ME
August 18, 2018 at 5:07 am #221995AnonymousGuestDear ME:
You gave up martial arts. Did you consider Tai Chi? When done with the right teacher, this slow-motion martial art form is incredible. I’ve done it for over a year. It was an amazing experience. It slows down the brain like nothing else, while awake anyway. It has a long history, takes a lot of mindfulness, develops mindfulness and what you need most, calm. If this calls you and the specialist doctors approve, this may work very well for you.
Regarding her having lost weight, you assume it is because of her suffering about the break up. Maybe it is, but maybe not. This is the problem when there is no honest communication, we assume.
I think that sending her the message is an excellent choice. Your motivation in sending it, to be true to yourself, I like that very much. It is a most important value in my mind and life. I noticed: you read my thoughts about her not being true/honest with you and you turned it to yourself: I need to be true. Excellent, this is how emotionally healthy, aware and good people think.
A man true to himself, honest deserves a woman who is also these things. Question now, in my mind, is: does she deserve you? Will she respond, when will she respond if she does, will she attend to what you sent her or ignore it, be polite and well-wishing but ignore your thoughts, your feelings?
“I should not feel regret about being left ‘holding’ something broken by myself, because that would mean there is nothing left to ‘hold’ anymore”- said brilliantly, brilliant to me.
I am looking forward to your update, hoping to read it soon.
anita
August 18, 2018 at 4:33 pm #222055Me2445ParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for the suggestion re: Tai Chi. I tried it many years ago, and have been thinking about giving it another shot. I have been getting into yoga, and found that it helps to develop mindfulness and manage “stiffness” in the body. I do miss the strategic/”playful” aspect of martial arts and want to explore a couple of options given my condition (including Tai Chi, and japanese sword). It sounds like you stopped practicing, may I ask why if you are open to sharing on that?
And thank you for the positive reinforcement re: my decision. I struggled to get there, and to be honest I need to remind myself several times a day that things will be ok if I do not get a response or if things end here. Even though I truly believe in and try to practice “letting go”, it still hurts. I am told this gets easier with time 🙂
As you might be guessing I have not heard back as of yet. Some of my friends and family are advising to “forget about her” and “move on”. But I find it impossible / undesirable to “forget”, that would be like “denying” a story and feelings that were true and meaningful to me. At the same time, “moving on” in this situation feels like moving from A to B, where B is still unknown (that’s ok) but A is also not clear (that’s frustrating). Perhaps I am too hung up on “what could have been” instead of “what actually was” in this relationship.
ME
August 19, 2018 at 6:35 am #222071AnonymousGuestDear ME:
I had my wonderful Tai Chi experience in California with a teacher who lived and breathed Tai Chi, one who practiced all parts of Tai Chi/Taoism. You could see in his physical state that he was very much practiced, every day. I said my goodbye to him the day before I left California. In the new State where I now live, I attended Tai Chi with three different teachers, none came close, to the teacher I had. The gap was just too great. So I stopped attending. The quality of a very beginning Tai Chi practice really is all about the teacher.
Regarding your second paragraph: if she doesn’t respond to what you sent her, either by not contacting you at all, or by not attending to what you wrote to her when she contacts you, then the difficulty in the “letting go” would be in the letting go of who you needed her to be and hoped that she is, not who she really is.
Regarding your third paragraph, you wrote that you don’t want to forget “a story and feelings that were true and meaningful to me”- there are two main characters in this story: you and her. Don’t forget ME in the story, your feelings, motivations, values were true. Forget.. HER, that is, forget who you thought she was and see/remember who she really is. This way you turn a Fiction story to Non-fiction.
Hope to read from you again, anytime you’d like.
anita
August 20, 2018 at 5:07 am #222171AnonymousGuestDear ME:
I have more thoughts regarding what you wrote in your recent post: “‘moving on’ in this situation feels like moving from A to B, where B is still unknown.. but A is also not clear (that’s frustrating). Perhaps I am too hung up on ‘what could have been’ instead of ‘what actually was’ in this relationship”-
If we were to be confused about other people unless they communicated with us honestly, clearly and in a straight forward manner, we would be confused most of the time about a whole lot of people in our lives. She didn’t communicate to you honestly, but she did communicate to you:
1. You apologized to her profusely, expressed to her your “determination to work on being a better partner to her…took responsibility… offered for us to go to counseling…taking responsibility again for my share of the issues”, But you didn’t mention that she apologized to you, that she expressed to you that she has any responsibility for the troubles in the relationship, that she is trying to be a better partner to you. The communication on her part is that you are the Guilty One and she is the Innocent One, that you own the problems, she doesn’t.
2. The mixed messages, “I don’t see this as the end”, and pulling back, not answering your messages, ignoring you- that communicates that she is angry at you. Women, more often than men, express their anger passive-aggressively, silently (the silent treatment), withdrawing, not responding. They do so because they don’t feel comfortable to express their anger otherwise.
These two things preceded you being in her life (and you having planned to see an ex girlfriend). Without a motivation on her part to go to individual counseling, she is very unlikely to change these two things.
* It is possible that if you stop reaching out to her with your I-am-guilty-forgive-me messages, that she will contact you, maybe be tender and affectionate with you and so forth. Problem is, conflict will happen again (your visa situation, work situation, her work situation, and so forth), and the passive aggressive behavior on her part will resume.
You are a good, decent, honest, responsible, thoughtful man. I understand that your last two girlfriends were not these things, but there is a woman out there who is. Better invest in meeting other women, learning who they are over time and honest conversations, and then choose one who is a good match.
anita
August 20, 2018 at 3:12 pm #222259Me2445ParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for your kind words at the end. Slowly but steadily the narrative in my mind is changing from “I can’t believe I scr***d this up” to “I did everything I could with what I had in the end” and “there were toxic patterns on both sides and what we need is not to pick up the relationship where we left it but instead to see if there is a way to evolve it into something healthier”;.
You’re right about the passive-aggressive behavior preceding me; that’s actually something I remember telling her multiple times during the course of our relationship (“You can’t be upset because of me not reading your mind”… ” You say something is ok but you act like you’re not ok”). She did acknowledge that trait in herself and was making efforts to be more straightforward when something bothered her (although sometimes that meant straight up “aggressive”).
She did apologize to me for certain reactions/behaviors through the course of our relationship (and so did I before). I really believes she is a good, honest, decent, thoughtful woman. This doesn’t make her current approach less frustrating/hurtful to me, but perhaps her withdrawing has something to do with how she deals with upsetting experiences based on her childhood trauma (without getting into details, she was physically abused as a child), trauma that perhaps have shaped some of her “withdrawal” instincts which are still unresolved today and which were triggered by the situation (she mentioned a few weeks ago she felt “empty inside when it came to thinking of me or responding to my messages, like her brain was “Shutting down”).
I have accepted that if there is ever a path forward for her and I, it will mean we have both worked on/are both working on our unresolved insecurities and issues. Yet I still cannot harbor any resentment or feeling that she “does not deserve me” – how could I blame her for unhealthy reactions coming from unresolved issues, when my anxiety stemmed from my own unresolved issues?
The hopeless romantic in me is having a hard time not seeing the “tragedy” of the situation (perhaps that in itself is part of my unresolved issues – the idea that with love and passion and willingness to make things work together we can overcome any relationship difficulty). Perhaps this is how we learn that a relationship also has pre-requisites on timing, external factors, and emotional health of both partners. I feel like I have / am definitely learning a lot of from this experience – I will approach my future relationships with a more balanced and mature perspective. I just hope the feeling of “disillusionment” about the nature of love and relationship will subside.
ME
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This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by
Me2445.
August 20, 2018 at 3:13 pm #222263Me2445Participantps: no response as of yet
August 21, 2018 at 7:48 am #222313AnonymousGuestDear ME:
You are welcome.
You wrote: “I really believe she is a good, honest, decent, thoughtful woman”. I will take your word for it but add to the sentence: except when she gets angry, then she turns aggressively silent (“ps: no response as of yet”).
You wrote: “perhaps her withdrawing has something to do with how she deals with upsetting experiences based on her childhood trauma”- probably. A lot of people convicted for violent crimes have done what they have done because of their childhood trauma. Silent aggression is not as loud, and it is not bloody, like loud violence, but it is aggression nonetheless, bringing about distress in the recipient.
You asked: “how could I blame her for unhealthy reactions coming from unresolved issues, when my anxiety stemmed from my own unresolved issues?”
My answer: I am not suggesting that you judge her as a bad person, that is, look at her from a position of a removed, unengaged judge. No need to blame her or yourself. What I am suggesting is a practical approach: notice her behavior, what she actually does when she is angry. And what you do when you are angry. And then, reject aggression, be it silent or loud. Got to have safety in a supposedly loving relationship, work on issues in a safe environment. Without that safety, no healing can take place, not on her end, not on yours.
anita
August 24, 2018 at 3:30 pm #222921Me2445ParticipantHi Anita,
Once again, I like the practical approach you suggest at the end. Be an observer and listen (engaged), notice what the “automatic” reaction is with certain types of emotional triggers (e.g. – anger), and stay grounded in my values (e.g. responding with compassion, but rejecting the silent treatment). This cascaded a lot of thoughts in me, re: how to go about creating that “safe” environment to work on issues in the relationship. I think it takes honesty, listening skills and emotional awareness on both partners to really achieve that. It seems to me in a healthy relationship we should be able to both work on the issues and work on “being better at working on issues”.
I can give you an update on communication with my ex. She eventually reached out to let me know she was going on a trip with a friend, and hoping to use the time for reflection and to “reset”; she mentioned thinking of me/us and that she considered my offer to meet in Europe but tickets were too expensive. That was 3 days ago; since then we’ve been connecting/exchanging daily by text message, and I can sense a change of “tone”/more openness on her part. (there was no apology though for the silent treatment).
I know this doesn’t mean that we will get back together (we need to have an in person discussion when we are both back in a couple of weeks about how things would need to evolve), but I’m glad that lines of communication are open again. My perspective is that I should not focus on whether we will get back together, but rather on continuing to heal and maintaining such a mindset that, if the right conditions for us to get back together show up again, then I will be able to identify and seize the opportunity as a better partner myself.
ME
August 25, 2018 at 6:56 am #222983AnonymousGuestDear ME:
You are welcome.
“it takes honesty, listening skills and emotional awareness on both partners to really achieve that (a safe environment to work on issues)”- I agree.
She told you that she will “use the time for reflection and to ‘reset'”- I hope you ask her when you have a chance, later, about her reflection and reset aim and if she achieved that, and what she came up with.
You wrote that in the recent communication with her, you sensed “more openness on her part” and that “lines of communication are open again”- part of future communication with her will have to be about the next time she gets angry at you. About not closing those lines of communication, not for long anyway ( short time out is acceptable, I suppose).
“I should not focus on whether we will get back together, but rather on continuing to heal and maintaining such a mindset that, if the right conditions for us to get back together show up again, then I will be able to identify and seize the opportunity as a better partner myself”-
I would add to it, right after “if the right conditions for us .. show up again”, the following:
-and if the anger issue is resolved and the two of us have practiced in communicating well through anger, “then I will…”
Looking forward to you posting again.
anita
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