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  • August 30, 2016 at 12:12 pm #113738
    ivy
    Participant

    I need some help getting ok with the emotional situation I’m in at the moment.

    I was coming up on a pretty stressful period in my life anyway, before my relationship ended. I and just out of grad school and looking for full-time employment. That struggle seems to be just beginning to bear fruit, and I’m hopeful that soon, maybe by the end of September, I’ll have something. For right now, I’m unemployed and under serious financial stress. I’m pretty sure it’ll be short term, but loan repayments and general life expenses loom large for now.

    Then, right in the midst of getting things on track generally, my now ex broke up with me. It seemed out of the blue for me. At the time, he didn’t offer me much detail. It was difficult to process for about a week and a half, until we met up over the weekend to talk. Now, it seems that he felt an emotional imbalance, that I loved him more deeply than he did me, and that this had bothered him for some time. He hadn’t talked with me about it. But it simmered away until he broke up with me. I have done a lot of reflecting, and I can see that there were things I had done to hold on too tight. He admits he’s not very in touch with negative emotions and had tried to ‘push this under the rug’ which is why he hadn’t spoken with me about it.

    When we caught up it was just like a date, we hugged and held hands. After we talked, we got dinner. It was lovely. He agreed that it was lovely. This is confusing. I am trying to let go, because he seems sure, but it’s difficult when things felt really good between us. We are going to try to be friends. I know that this may be a mistake in many people’s opinions, however I’ve normally kept exes in my life, unless things can’t or don’t work out that way.

    My problem right now is that there is so much uncertainty in my life it’s overwhelming. I don’t know what my life will look like in two weeks. This is exciting, normally. But with so many things in so much flux, I’m having a really hard time relaxing and being ok in the uncertainty. I’m trying to meditate (which I am bad at but I am also trying to be kind to myself about how bad I am at it!) and I’m reading a good book about dealing with hurt. These things are helping, as is talking with friends and keeping busy. I’m trying to structure my life so that I have things to look forward to, etc., but as much as he has said that he’s not going anywhere I still feel panic often when I realize that I’ve lost someone I was so deeply connected to and cared about so much. I miss him. I don’t know what’s going to happen, and there’s still a big part of me that wants to work this out with him, slowly. I know that’s generally a bad idea. But that’s where I am and I’m trying to be kind to myself about that.

    Any advice about how to deal with the symptoms of anxiety, especially the physically overwhelming panic feelings, would be so welcome. I’ve not really felt this much uncertainty all at once before, so although I think of myself as resilient and strong, and as able to cope, this has really knocked me sideways.

    August 30, 2016 at 5:01 pm #113781
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ivy:

    In this overall time of uncertainty, ask for your new friend/ ex boyfriend’s support. Ask for his time, for a couple of dates per week, like the one you just had. He said he is not going anywhere, so take him up on this. As his friend, share with him honestly and openly how connected you feel to him. Share with him how anxiety provoking it is for you, at this uncertain time in your life, to lose your connection with him.

    And as you derive some comfort from his company, gather social support from elsewhere, to prepare for your future without your now ex boyfriend. Prepare your career life. Move on from these uncertain times.

    I hope I am making sense to you. Am I?

    anita

    August 31, 2016 at 1:37 am #113812
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Uncertainty is hard to deal with, and it’s not surprising that this knocked you sideways. I don’t really have any advice as to the ex, it sounds like that could go either way, and who is to say what would be best.

    But that’s not the only thing going on in your life, and I would advise you to focus on the other stuff. Have you got somewhere to live? Have you got a budget? Are you taking all the practical steps towards employment? Do you get enough sleep? Exercise? Vegetables? Have you got a wardrobe you can clear out and sell the clothes?

    It may seem like I’m just advising you to distract yourself from the overwhelming uncertainty, and that’s part of it, but also, uncertainty can feel less overwhelming if you focus on something, however small, that you do have some control over.

    And have faith in yourself. Continue to meditate. You will weather this storm. You are resilient and strong, and you are coping. Sometimes coping looks like sobbing under the duvet for an hour.

    August 31, 2016 at 4:39 am #113816
    VJ
    Participant

    Hi ivy,

    You mentioned that you are trying to meditate and having difficulty doing that. Right now, with all your challenges and uncertainties, your state of mind is such that it won’t be able to relax when you try to force it to do something.

    The relaxation should happen naturally by itself. At least you can breathe to achieve that naturally…

    “Any advice about how to deal with the symptoms of anxiety, especially the physically overwhelming panic feelings, would be so welcome”

    Please do either one or both of these simple yet effective breathing techniques-
    Both the below breathing techniques can be used if you are not able to sleep, feeling stressed, struggling with panic attacks, having difficulty concentrating or focusing, feeling agitated or anxious or frustrated, fear of something, suffering from already existing anxiety, want to take your mind off of your immediate concerns. These enhance rest and relaxation, encourage a calmer emotional state, center the mind, restore imbalances in the brain, boost your thinking, pacify your nervous system and have several other mental-emotional benefits.

    Along with deep relaxation from your overwhelming feelings, you will be able to have clarity of mind and be able to make a decision about the situation you are going through.

    1) The 7-11 breathing technique:

    http://blog.humangivens.com/2012/10/how-does-deep-breathing-make-you-feel.html?m=1

    Please go through the article at first and then read below…
    If you find it inconvenient to count to 11 or 7, then reduce the count to breathe for 3 and 5, or any other number that suits exactly as per your comfort level. Just make sure that the out-breath is longer than the in-breath by a few numbers. In my case, for this to work, I had to increase the count to 11 and 15 because I tend to take long deep breaths.

    2) Alternate Nostril Breathing:

    Alternate Nostril Breathing also known as Nadi Shodhana, is a powerful breathing practice with extensive reaching benefits. Nadi is a Sanskrit word meaning ‘channel’ or ‘flow’ which is the subtle energy channel and Shodhana means ‘purification.’ This simple yet powerful technique settles the mind, body, and emotions. You can use it to quiet your mind and it is particularly helpful to slow down racing thoughts if you are experiencing anxiety, stress, or having trouble falling asleep. It’s a wonderful breathing technique that helps keep the mind calm, enables to be happy, peaceful and cheerful by practicing it just for a few minutes. It also helps release accumulated stress, tension and fatigue.

    Steps:

    Step 1: Use right thumb to close right nostril

    Step 2: Inhale slowly through left nostril

    Step 3: Pause at the top of the inhale for a second or two as per your comfort level

    Step 4: Now close left nostril with ring finger. Release the thumb off the right nostril

    Step 5: Exhale through your right nostril

    Step 6: Now, inhale through right nostril

    Step 7: Pause at the top of the inhale for a second or two as per your comfort level

    Step 8: Use thumb to close of right nostril

    Step 9: Breathe out through left nostril

    Steps 1 to 9 make one round. Continue with the steps for 3 to 5 minutes. You can do this lying down on your bed too.
    Make sure to not force the breathing and do not breathe through the mouth. You can skip the pausing of breath if you have blood pressure issues. Close your eyes and allow the relaxation to happen quietly for a few moments after you have finished.

    Happy Relaxing!
    VJ

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by VJ.
    • This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by VJ.
    • This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by VJ.
    August 31, 2016 at 11:07 pm #113876
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Uncertainty can be really difficult to address because it is the unknown. The unknown is scary, sometimes you don’t know how to prepare. There are times when you need to step back and evaluate the situation. Perhaps you can find a way to get some control back.

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