After sleeping on it, I would like to add that shame has to be a big one for me. My mother was pretty emotionally abusive, maybe as a way to let out her feelings of shame with her life(i am not justifying it, just throwing it out there). We are very much alike in personality so maybe she subconsciously took her issues out on me. Now I feel like if I dont act perfect, then there is something wrong with me. This pressure and cycle of perfection (especially since I was not consciously aware of it) lead to anger in my twenties. Which hindered my ability to connect with others. Which perpetuated the cycle of shame.

Thanks Anita, yes its very true. Some days are better than others for sure. It’s so easy to hate my parents for seemingly causing so much unnecessary struggle my life up to this point because they couldn’t handle their own s*&$. Pardon the french but its true. It’s like I almost have this anger inside of me and that’s the emotion that is the most hard to deal with. It makes me dislike other people because I never learned to trust people. I repeat negative cycles in all of my relationships to the point where I think people think Im crazy because I have such a guard up now. Working with my inner child and inner parent is big. But its difficult. Patience truly is a virtue. I would like to look into some counselling or therapy once the repercussions from my recent break up calm down. It sucks because I am going through that guilt phase of hurting somebody who was a good person but just had his own issues when he first met me. However he doesn’t seem to understand how important building trust is to me and he thought that if he was just nice, then things would be all good. Cutting out people is very hard, especially family. It sounds like that’s what it takes sometimes to heal from the past. Some people just don’t get it. But I do. Following your gut really does seem to be the best way to go with most cases, especially painful relationships.

Thanks Anita, you have given me some hope! It sounds like we have gone through similar struggles, especially when it comes to the relationship we have with our primary caregivers. It’s hard to rewire the brain after going through some physiologically damaging moments, especially repetitive moments over the years, not days or months, but YEARS. You can try to believe that you are enough however when you repeatedly receive the message that you are not, how do you not give up and retreat inwards? Especially as a little girl? An HSP at that, if you are like me. I hated children’s books where the mother was so loving towards the child because to me,that just didn’t exist in my world. It was phoney and over-exaggerated. And maybe to a point, I was beyond jealous. My dad was over to my place the other day and he literally got so mad that we thought he hit our mom more than two times. Its like A)you shouldn’t be proud of the fact that it was only twice and b) I am your kid!! quite putting me in the middle.(PS it was DEF more than twice, cute his incurable narcissism). I do have more positive emotions towards my ex than negative but I don’t think true love is one of them. He reminded my inner child that once again I am not enough. I am there and I can give you a white picket fence ,but still I am not enough. I would rather be single and happy that be in a relationship that makes me dislike myself even more. I dont need a perfect relationship. I would rather be poor with a genuine man than with someone who wants a “perfect family”. You are alone throughout your whole life. You may have various connections throughout your lifetime, some stronger than others. But at the end of the day, we are each our own little pieces of the universe. Only we get to truly experience our lives to the extent that we do. And then we can share that with others if capable. As social creatures, it can hard sometimes in a non-genuine world but self appreciation is the key! Nothing like some challenging relationships to help you figure that out. I really like that Carl Jung quote “No tree can grow to heaven unless it’s roots have reached to hell”. Hopefully therapy can help!! Fingers crossed! Take care Anita, thanks again for your insight.