Home→Forums→Relationships→ROCD Or do I not love him?
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August 13, 2020 at 10:13 am #364695
AnonymousGuestDear Alisha:
I agree with everything that Rose of Yellow wrote to you.
You asked me regarding your do I love him or don’t I love him thoughts: “do you think that all of this may just be intrusive thoughts?”- I think that your thinking is about what Rose of Yellow suggested: “I am going to focus on this boy, do I love him or don’t I love him, as a way to avoid thinking about my mom’s health and my family stress”.
I hope that you courageously address your real life problems and make the choices that are possible for you to make, so to make your life a better life.
anita
August 14, 2020 at 5:41 pm #364800AnonymousInactiveAlisha, if you feel these may be intrusive thoughts or compulsive thoughts, please seek psychiatric help. We can’t know what this is, as Anita has said. There are several mental illnesses that can involve obtrusive or compulsive thoughts or actions. You’ll feel better seeking real help from a professional. Take care of yourself now.
September 5, 2020 at 7:04 am #366197
AlishaParticipantI haven’t been on this forum due to being busy with things but something did just come to mind.
When I started thinking of whether I love him or not, it started last year when we were a month into our relationship. I was just thinking of stuff because I wasn’t doing anything in class and it started tying itself to how I never felt any heart-racing or butterflies. Another thing is that I didn’t know my mom had kidney failure until she went to the doctor 2 months later.
I never feel stressed about my family problems, only when I have these thoughts about my boyfriend. I don’t know if that’s because I tend to exclude myself from my family because I’ve never felt a close connection with them or the stress is just blurry to my mind because of this one thought overtaking my mind. I never felt any sort of strong stress until the “What if I don’t love him” Started to come to mind.
It honestly scares me to the point where I’ll end up crying in my bed for awhile. I don’t want to ever leave him. I want to spend my life with this guy, I really do. And to think that it could be a flag my mind is trying to tell me to let go of him kills me inside. We’re about to hit a year now and I’ve been fighting this thought the entire time. I do want to get help but I feel like they’ll say I’m “too young to understand” And leave it as that. I also can’t due to the pandemic.
September 5, 2020 at 10:29 am #366204AnonymousGuestDear Alisha:
“I never feel stressed about my family problems”- but the stress is there inside you, even though you don’t feel it.
“I’ve never felt a close connection with (family)”- but you did, long ago. I suppose you forgot that you did, you forgot how close you felt, how needy of your mother you used to be.
That early life need for your mother, for your father, the closeness you felt to them, the acute stress you experienced when they were not there for you- you repressed all these emotional experiences, pushing them down under your awareness. I know this kind of repression, this is what I did as a child. Children do that automatically.
I am guessing that like any child who felt alone, you reached out to your mother, and maybe to your father as well, repeatedly, again and again, trying to get their attention, but all your efforts failed, so you gave up and stayed away from them ever since, in your room, in front of the computer.
anita
September 6, 2020 at 7:32 am #366251AlishaParticipantI started distancing myself from my parents when I was about 10. My mom has always been the one to tell me things and tell me not to tell people but she’s also been the type of person to tell others the stuff I tell her or things that happen. My parents have always seemed like they’re the type of people to react badly towards things and are strict and over-protective. I feel like I am the odd one out of my family at times and if I were to be honest, it doesn’t bother me. I don’t tell my parents what’s wrong or what’s going on anymore and if anything is wrong, I go to my boyfriend or one of my good friends. I don’t feel too comfortable around my parents anymore and don’t really like talking to them either. I care for them, but I’m not close with them. We have good moments, we’ll laugh and watch movies, but, I can’t say I trust them.
September 6, 2020 at 8:10 am #366254AnonymousGuestDear Alisha:
You wrote about your mother, “she’s also been the type of person to tell others the stuff I tell her.. I can’t say I trust them (your parents)”- no wonder you don’t trust your mother. You told her personal things, not thinking that she will tell those things to other people, and she did just that: she betrayed your trust in her.
“I’m not close with them”- when people betray our trust, we can no longer be close with them (not unless the betrayal is discussed at length and repeatedly, the one doing the betrayal sincerely apologizes, tries to make up for the betrayal, and is careful to never again break the new trust to be formed).
Your discomfort with your parents, not wanting to share things with them, not trusting them, not wanting to spend time with them.. all these are how you reacted to your mother sharing with others what you told her in confidence, and to both parents reacting badly to things you shared about or did (things that were not bad). It is understandable and natural that you reacted in these ways.
anita
September 6, 2020 at 11:19 pm #366285AlishaParticipantYeah, true. They all spread stuff faster than the virus. They don’t even know about my boyfriend right now because otherwise they’ll start telling everyone, start mocking me(in a joking way but it isn’t very funny), ask millions of questions, etc. They’re also really over protective so would probably get a bit mad and my had having way too high expectations as well. Yeah, I’m good.
Anyways, that’s besides the point. This may be good bye. All I’ve needed help with is the bad thoughts but I probably won’t get them away for a long time due to the pandemic and my lack of courage to go talk about it because I feel as though I will have to get my parents involved(which I really don’t want) and I just feel like all they’ll say is, “you’re too young to understand”.
I’ll just have to hope that it really is just bad thoughts (I’m completely positive that they are.. That is, until they start flooding my mind again) and they’ll go away at some point rather naturally or with treatment. If I do get treatment sometime soon or when I do I remember this website, I’ll keep you updated. Thank you for trying to help me, it did help, and I’m sorry if I were stubborn about things. I did think about the things you’ve told me, I just had trouble due to the thoughts and the comparing physically and mentally breaking me apart.
If you do have any advice on how to push these thoughts out at least temporarily, please do let me know. Earlier I was talking to a friend and she was really upset until her boyfriend texted her and then she started freaking out and was really happy just because he texted her and I started comparing again, so, now my mind is flooding, but, hopefully they’ll go away soon.
September 7, 2020 at 9:15 am #366304AnonymousGuestDear Alisha:
You are welcome. I understand that your recent post may be your good bye post (“This may be good bye”).
“If you do have any advice on how to push these thoughts out at least temporarily, please do let me know.. now my mind is flooding“-
– my good-bye advice on the matter of your “ROCD Or d I not love him?” obsessive thinking is the following:
1. When your mind gets flooded with obsessive thinking, slow down the flood by playing any one of Mark William’s mindful meditations, all available online.
2. Do “The Slowed Down Thinking Exercise” which I found on new- synapse. com. Here is what it says: “It’s time to slow down that fear-based thinking! When we are hyped up or keyed up, we tend to think at a fast pace with a high level of urgency. We may feel as if our thoughts are racing out of control or going round and round in circles. Of course, this is not a natural speed or rhythm associated with a normal, relaxed thought process… invite ourselves to slow down the speed of our thinking; to invite the brain to fall into a lower gear and operate at a more natural pace…
Under “Instructions” it reads: “When you notice you are thinking in a crazy fast way, with racing thoughts or in a chaotic way with too many thoughts at once, pause and relax. Take a deep breath.
“Slow your thoughts to two syllables per in-breath and 2 syllables per out-breath. Example: ‘I-want’ on the in-breath, ‘to go’ on the out-breath, ‘out-side’ on the in-breath’.”
I will paraphrase the rest somewhat: you can slow down a thought by thinking it in parts: part of the thought while inhaling, the next part while exhaling, etc. For example, you can think the following thought I am slowing my mind, this way: I am while inhaling, slow-ing while exhaling, and my mind while inhaling again.
As you think, enunciate each word clearly, stretch the syllables, focus on the words of the particular thought.
Here is an “Ultra Slowed Down Thinking Exercise”- it is about slowing down the thought: I am slowing down my thoughts, even more:
Breathing In: Iiiiiiiiiii, Breathing Out: Aaaaaammmmmm, Breathing In: Sloooooooooow, Breathing Out: iiiiiiiinnnngggg, Breathing In: Myyyyyyyyy , Breathing Out: Thouuuuuuughtttttssss.
My comment: this exercise literally slows down your nervous system, including your brain, and the rest of your body. It works! The solution to your obsessive ROCD thinking is not to .. think more and more.. but less and less, to slow down. It will probably feel easier for you to continue to give in to the fast pace thinking (thinking and thinking about the particular obsession of the moment), and it will feel difficult to slow down. But the solution to obsessive thinking is never to think more and faster. The way to help yourself is to slow down.
anita
November 4, 2020 at 4:47 pm #368668AlishaParticipantSoooo… Update:
After mine and his 1 year, he broke up with me. The thing is, he didn’t tell me he wanted to break up. He instead blocked me on everything and left it as that for me to figure out that it was over. I’m still hurt over it but I’m starting to get better and not care at all.
Fast forward to now, I have a new best friend who is really sweet and funny. I really enjoy his company and he’s my favorite person. Why am I bringing this up? I kind of like him, but, everytime I think about the fact that I like him, the doubts come back, those being the same doubts I had with my now-ex. I want to tell him I like him but those doubts scare me because I don’t want to mislead him(especially since he already admitted that he likes me). Obviously I wouldn’t look for a relationship right now, he knows that as well, but, I do want to let him know. When I think I like him, I:
•Monitor my feelings to see if my heart races or drops
•Start thinking, “Do you really like him?”, “You don’t actually like him, you’re just thinking you do”, “What if you don’t like him?”, “What if you stop liking him?”, “You just miss having affection”, ” What about the other guy that likes you”, etc.
I’m starting to feel really stressed by this. Again, I don’t like him a lot but I do a little bit and I’m not looking for a relationship for a bit but I would want to let him know sometime soon. How could I block these thoughts out or tell him in a good way?
November 4, 2020 at 6:53 pm #368673AnonymousGuestDear Alisha:
I will read your recent post and reply when I am back to the computer in about 12 hours from now.
anita
November 5, 2020 at 8:55 am #368685AnonymousGuestDear Alisha:
In May 2020, you shared: “My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months now. Around the first month of us being together, I was thinking about him in class… the thought ‘Do I really love him’ came to mind. Once this came to mind, I started to obsess with the thought.”
In August you shared: “I’m not really the type of person to show or feel much emotion. When I’m upset, I tend to not feel much and sometimes won’t cry or feel upset (will come up later). Same with being excited and other feelings”.
You shared in August about your boyfriend: “I want this guy forever and just the thought of him with someone else kills me inside. I don’t want to lose him in any way. I’m honestly about to cry right now… I see my entire future with him clearly and no one else”, “I want to spend my life with this guy and only this guy. Not only is he my boyfriend, but my best friend. In the past two years of us knowing each other, we have gone through a lot and have so many memories… I don’t ever want to give him up.”
Still in August, about you and your boyfriend: “We are in an online relationship so therefore never actually seen each other in person.. but we have video-called and such.. We haven’t exactly made plans yet but we do want to try to see each other sometime within the next three years”.
In September you shared: “I never feel stressed about my family problems, only when I have these thoughts about my boyfriend. I don’t know if that’s because I tend to exclude myself from my family because I’ve never felt a close connection with them… I started distancing myself from my parents when I was about 10… I feel like I am the odd one out of my family at times and if I were to be honest, it doesn’t bother me. I don’t tell my parents what’s wrong or what’s going on anymore and if anything is wrong, I go to my boyfriend or one of my good friends… I don’t feel too comfortable around my parents…I’m not close with them.. I can’t say I trust them”, “I never felt any sort of strong stress until the ‘What if I don’t love him’ started to come to mind”.
On November 4 you shared about your boyfriend (the guy you wanted for ever, seeing your entire future with him “and no one else”), that he broke up with you, “blocked me on everything and left it as that for me to figure out that it was over”. Your response to him breaking up with you: “I’m still hurt over it but I’m starting to get better and not care at all”.
Shortly after the breakup, you met a new guy, “really sweet and funny.. he’s my favorite person.. I kind of like him, but every time I think about the fact that I like him, the doubts come back, those being the same doubts I had with my now-ex.. When I think I like him, I * Monitor my feelings to see if my heart races or drops * Start thinking, ‘Do you really like him?'”
My understanding of you today: your experience with your parents has been such that they repeatedly betrayed your trust in them. As a result of their betrayals (ex: sharing with others what you shared with them privately, making fun of you)- you were terribly hurt and upset. To protect yourself from further hurt, you distanced yourself from the sources of your hurt- your parents.
You also separated yourself from the emotion of hurt, so to not feel it. Children automatically do that, disassociating- removing painful emotions from their awareness so that they don’t really …feel those emotions. But when children disassociate from painful emotions, they also disassociate from other emotions/ feelings: “When I’m upset, I tend to not feel much.. Same with being excited and other feelings“, “I never feel stressed about my family problems.. I am the odd one out of my family.. and .. it doesn’t bother me“.
The hurt and upset are separated but they are not perfectly separated, nor are they gone: “When I’m upset, I tend to not feel much and sometime won’t cry or feel upset (will come up later)”- the hurt and upset come back later. In your case, your hurt and upset return to your awareness in the context of asking yourself “What if I don’t love him” regarding a boy/ boyfriend. All the hurt and upset that you manage to not feel while living with and interacting with your parents- these show up in the context of your boyfriend: “I never feel stressed about my family problems, only when I have these thoughts about my boyfriend”.
“I never felt any sort of strong stress until ‘What if I don’t love him’ started to come to mind”, you wrote in September. But it’s not correct: you felt lots of strong stress when betrayed early on by your parents, but what happened next was that you separated that strong stress (hurt and upset) from your awareness aka disassociated, forgetting that you ever felt that way.. but that strong stress did not disappear for good; it reappeared in the context of asking yourself “What if I don’t love him”.
The online boyfriend you shared about broke up with you, and true to your disassociation, you quickly started “to get better and not care at all” about him and the breakup, and you started to like another guy. The strong stress, the hurt and upset originating in your early childhood experience with your parents, that strong stress reappeared most recently in the context of “Do (I) really like him”, which is similar to “What if I don’t love him”.
anita
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