Beachcomber,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand the challenge of being afraid of our vulnerability. On one hand, your heart is opening to the man, and on the other, you’ve been burned in the past, and it hurt. Sometimes when we’ve been betrayed, we get a sense that we are unsafe, or the cause of the betrayal. When alone, this often echoes like painful fearfulness, heart stressing about all the unknowns, the potential dangers, the “what ifs”. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

For me, I turn “what ifs” into “even ifs”, and then let them go. For instance, consider that you’ve been through heartbreak before, and though it sucks, you’d get past it. If it turns out he’s not your prince, it would hurt, sure, but you’d be OK. You smiled long before meeting him, were fine alone, know who you are and what you like. Or, at least mostly/partially/enough. 🙂 You found the courage to love again after being kicked pretty hard, so obviously your heart is stronger than any crud your partner could throw at you. So, even if the worst happened, you’d get through it. Believe in yourself, sister, others do. I do.

That being said, there is no reason to anticipate bad things will happen. He has offered his side, is willing to help, and made a commitment. Try not to fault him for still keeping options open while he was deciding, that’s normal. He may have needed some time to decide if you were right for him, or even build confidence that you were into him. Once “the conversation” happened, though, he seemed to dive all in. That’s good! Of course, there is still that little birdie, the little voice of worry chirping in your ear.

I get this with my wife, too, worried she doesn’t love me back, that our romantic song is dimming or lost. There’s a tender vulnerability that rests alongside love when our heart opens to another. That vulnerability naturally produces some fear, some anxiety, stress. Its like “oh, wow, I really do, I do love you. Please tell me you do, too. Please?” And slowly, with time and courage, as we ask, we can open to their answer. Letting their their attempts to offer their love to us wash across us, reveal the shape of that little birdie. Its much like a painting of a bird we keep on the wall of our bedroom to remind us of the dangers of loving. Tacked it up there last time, or before, to remind us to be careful. As we open to the partner that’s really in front of us, we can slowly, as we’re ready, take that old painting down. The “old vision” replaced by a new one.

Consider approaching this from a different perspective. Instead of worrying that you worry, just accept that the worry is there. “Oh, this feels like fear”, and instead of running with it, just sit with it. Try to breathe, be present, in the body rather than in the mind. This helps it settle, rather than multiply. Taking the tacks out from around the painting, rather than adding more.

Then, as you’re courageously asking for comfort (“hey, I want to build something brilliant with you, and need some support, maybe rub my shoulders? Sing me a love song? Take a bath together?”) try to relax and trust. Not trust that he, for sure, without a doubt, IS your prince… rather trust yourself, that your heart can show up, open, and discern. Its wise. Said differently, as you offer your worry into the relationship, you’re also courageously exploring your own tenderness, and giving him a chance to explore with you. I doubt it feels like a burden, especially if you’re doing your best to relax and be comforted.

For example, my wife often asks for a backrub… but sometimes feels burdensome, as though she shouldn’t ask such a thing from me. On my side… yep, what a tremendous burden to touch her smooth skin, feel her body relax and loosen under my hands, see her curves, and so forth. Work, work, work. 🙂

Finally, make sure you take time to self nurture. Sometimes we stop self care actions when we get wrapped up in a romance, but its much better for us if we keep them up. Whatever you were doing before that was working for you, keep at it. Activities like meditation, yoga, exercise, eating right and so forth are especially important, as they not only help with emotional balance, but when we know we’re self caring in physical ways, we build a deeper trust in ourselves. You are a queen, after all, and deserve your own tender touch and attention.

With warmth,
Matt

You’re welcome. As far as justifying, consider that things don’t happen for “no reason”, there is always a cause. It seems like the cause you’re leaning toward is either 1) a character flaw in him, or 2) a character flaw in you. To me, this betrayal feeling seems driven by your fear that he hasn’t chosen you, even now.

Do you feel betrayed that a chicken isn’t cooked the moment you put it in an oven? That it takes time for the heat to reach the center of the bird?