So back in January I started attending a new college overseas. Since then, I’ve come to develop feelings for my student adviser — a fellow student who helped me adjust to the new environment. She’s gorgeous, smart and always very nice. Like a jackass, the first time we met I told her that I thought she was pretty. Again, she’s always been very kind and tolerant of my slight and occasional advances.

I’ve been trying to give her space in between interactions — usually a week or so between check-ups (they were longer during the regular school year). However, as of late she seems more distant. She’s taking summer classes at the moment, so she’s expectedly busy, but whenever I go on Facebook I usually see some activity pop up on on my newsfeed. Seeing as how this has happened in my previous relationships/friendships, I’m starting to get disheartened.

By the end of the year she’ll be graduating and will head back to Florida. I want to tell her my feelings before then, but, given that dumb compliment I gave when we first met, I feel like she already knows and this is her way of telling me to bugger-off (just like very other girl I’ve liked).

It doesn’t help that I’m currently unemployed for the summer (I didn’t go back home) and I have all these free-time on my hands. I’ve tried being productive with a couple projects, but this doesn’t seem to help that much.

I feel like every time I develop feelings for someone, I end up pushing them away and ultimately ruining their image of me. It’s happened before, and I can already see the outcome for this situation.

Why all this rejection? I wish I could just delete the emotional part of my brain.

I’m tired of it all. Part of me is tempted to just go live alone in the wilderness away from society and human interaction. Is it possible to exist without any human interaction?

Part of the reason I left the states was to get away from my old live, to start anew, but I’m starting to fall back into the same habits. It’s like I never actually left, that I’m still the same hopeless turd.

I’ve started to work out again, and I’ve tried to keep the appearance of confidence and independence on social media, but I’m getting exhausted.

At one point I was asking her about tips about dating advise for using Tinder, how terrible I am with it. At one point she told me to exude more confidence. She also mentioned that her mom, a therapist, would be willing to help me and would contact me via email soon. That was roughly two weeks ago. As with her daughter, I realize that she is probably busy but suffice it to say I’ve lost faith.

Part of me wonders what she has told her mom about me — her impression of me — and what her mom must think of me…

Part of me hopes that I’ll met some tragic end soon, as though I’d be able to illicit some response form her — that she’d mourn me. God, I’m such a freak!

I’m tired of falling in love, of being rejected.

If you managed to read this far without getting bored with my whiny man-boy cries, then kudos to you.