So confused about this new relationship

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This topic has 14 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 2 months ago by tc11.

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July 31, 2016 at 9:53 pm #111138

dreaming715
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I’m not technically in a “relationship” (i.e. boyfriend/girlfriend), but I’ve been seeing a guy (I’ll call him “M”) for the past 6 and a half weeks.

My last long-term relationship lasted 5 years, I was engaged, and my ex-fiance ended up calling off our wedding. I was shocked and hurt by this experience, but it’s been almost 2 years since our break-up and I’m ready to date other people (I would ideally like to find something with long-term potential).

So I met M on a dating site. He’s 4 years older than me. I asked him right away what he was looking for and he said he’s looking for a girlfriend and long-term relationship. We messaged online for two weeks and then he asked me on a date. The first 5 weeks of us dating were great. He was consistent with keeping in contact with me between dates (i.e. showing continued interest), I’ve met his younger sister and about 10 of his friends in social settings, and he did a few small things like give me a toothbrush/contact lens case to keep at his place (two things I didn’t ask for) and he also got STD tested (something I did ask for) because this is important to me if I’m going to be physical with a new person.

This all seems to be going in a generally good direction, right? Well, here’s where I’m starting to get confused. His communication in between dates has slowed down a lot. He doesn’t really text me “random” things anymore. He doesn’t text me “just because.” And we’ve never had a conversation over the phone that wasn’t about meeting/logisitics. He’s never articulated how he’s felt about me.

One night last week I was driving myself a little crazy so I texted him, “I was just wondering what you were currently looking for or where you were at with us? No judgement, no right or wrong answer, just wanted your thoughts.”

He said, “I’m looking for someone to have a relationship with. I’m enjoying the time we’re having and taking things one step at a time. Why do you ask?”

I said, “That’s fair, I noticed we bot still have dating profiles. We hadn’t talked much about where we were with seeing other people.”

He said, “I’m not looking or talking to anyone else. I’m not a fan of dating multiple people at the same time. I’ll take it down, that’s not an issue at all.”

He also said he had two friend’s weddings coming up (4 weeks away and 6 weeks away) and said “If you’re interested in going to either/both let me know cause if you are I’d like you to join me.”

So this is all good, but I’m worried about him losing interest because he doesn’t seem as eager to talk to me as he did several weeks ago. There are some days where I don’t actually hear from him at all now. I don’t understand… is this normal behavior? We’ve been dating for almost 2 months, shouldn’t we be mutually a little “head over heels” right now? I feel like I am, but I have no idea how he emotionally feels about me. I sort of feel like he just likes the convenience of having someone there to ease the loneliness, have a nice person to be a plus one to weddings, but not actually make a “commitment” to.

With my ex-fiance, there was never any guessing. We liked each other, he asked me to be his girlfriend after one month, and the next year we moved in together and lived together for four consecutive years.

I wish it was as straightforward with this new guy and I’m afraid/worried about why it’s not. I don’t know if this is normal dating behavior? Especially after only 6.5 weeks? Or is this “he’s not actually that into you.”

July 31, 2016 at 10:53 pm #111140

Laura
Participant

I think he is definitely into you. He was talking a lot to you in the beginning because he wanted you to be attracted to him, plus he wanted to get to know you. In the very beginning, it’s normal to want to talk every day to the person because you are trying to get their interest. But now that he does, that he knows he likes you and that you like him back, he can go back to his normal self. Guys don’t like to text a lot plus, less texting gives you more quality time when you guys are together. I’m sure he likes you and that there is nothing to worry about.

August 1, 2016 at 6:48 am #111165

Katie
Participant

I agree that he is actually into you, but it could be he is just not as emotionally connected as you need. I’ve had one great emotionally connected relationship and then the others that turn into long term relationships I end up feeling like they’re not that into me because of this lack of conversation and random banter-y texting. If everything continues as it is now, do you think you will remain interested in him? It could just be that he doesn’t have a lot to say and doesn’t need much out of a relationship. I am currently going through a break up that has been a long time coming because he is fine with seeing each other once or twice a week and only texting “hope you’ve had a good day” and crap like that rather than actually asking me how my day is or what I’m up to and trying to relate to is. Well, obviously that’s not the only reason, but I hope you see my point. Good luck to you, I think he is interested in you but you may want to evaluate how you actually feel about him as he is now.

August 1, 2016 at 8:25 am #111174

Anonymous
Guest

Dear dreaming715:

A comment: you wrote that you and M are not technically girlfriend/ boyfriend, not technically in a relationship and yet he gave you a toothbrush to keep at his place. I am thinking, maybe it is wiser to not be physically intimate with him before you are technically in a relationship. What do you think?

To the conversation you had with M, it shouldn’t be via texting. It is too serious and therefore should be at the least done when the two of you are relaxed, available to converse, not texting.

Here are the quoted. My comments are in parentheses:

“I was just wondering what you were currently looking for or where you were at with us? No judgement, no right or wrong answer, just wanted your thoughts.” (There should be judgment on your part, as in judging, according to his answer, whether this relationship- and it is a relationship as the two of you are … relating- is working for you or not, whether you want to be in it or not. You want his honest answers, but there are such a thing as right and wrong answers. If he answers that he is looking for fun with you and nothing else, well, that would be the wrong answer. You texting him that there is “no judgment” etc. is letting him know that you are out of the equation of this relationship, a neutral party to it).

He said, “I’m looking for someone to have a relationship with. I’m enjoying the time we’re having and taking things one step at a time. Why do you ask?”

I said, “That’s fair, I noticed we bot still have dating profiles. We hadn’t talked much about where we were with seeing other people.”(This should be discussed face to face. I suppose this is your answer to “Why do you ask? You were bothered by the profiles still being on).

He said, “I’m not looking or talking to anyone else. I’m not a fan of dating multiple people at the same time. I’ll take it down, that’s not an issue at all.” (So he figures this is the problem and is proposing a solution: he will take down his profile).

Summary of my thoughts: Maybe the pattern we mentioned in other threads is that you take yourself out of the equation of the relationship, as if you are a neutral party to it, not one to choose or judge. It is all up to him- he makes the rules, you neutrally wait for him. What do you think?

anita

August 2, 2016 at 9:37 am #111315

dreaming715
Participant

adriannalc, Katie, and anita: Thank you all for your responses! A few thoughts: Katie said, “…but it could be he is just not as emotionally connected as you need. Do you think you will remain interested in him?” My answer is no. I’m not comfortable staying in a relationship where there is a one-sided effort to create and maintain an emotional connection.

anita said, “Maybe the pattern we mentioned in other threads is that you take yourself out of the equation of the relationship, as if you are a neutral party to it, not one to choose or judge. It is all up to him- he makes the rules, you neutrally wait for him.” This is so spot-on. I was nodding my head while reading that statement. I think I also make new relationships too much of a priority and I stop doing things I enjoy (examples: yoga, painting, writing, cooking, trying new classes).

Have things changed since I posted a couple of days ago? No. He actually was out of the state on Sunday at a music festival (he purchased his ticket before we met). He didn’t contact me at all that day. Then early the next morning he had to go to the ER due to an issue with his left lung (this is the third time this has happened, it’s a condition he has managed for over a decade). He did text me to me let know that he was in the hospital, his friend was there, his family was coming, and he was having surgery tomorrow (aka today).

I obviously told him I was sorry to hear that the issue with his lung reoccurred and told him if there was anything he needed I was there for him. He didn’t really text me again. Last night before I went to bed I texted, “I’m going to get ready for bed soon, everything will go well tomorrow! Keep me updated after you’ve had time to rest after surgery, Good night”

His response, “Thanks. And good night.”

This is an opportunity to welcome my support as someone he is dating and it’s clear to me that he isn’t interested in communicating any more than he has to (this was even days before the lung occurrence). There does come a point where you can’t force someone to want to talk to you, be emotionally intimate with you, etc…

I’m going to hold off on initiating contact because I honestly don’t think he wants to hear from me right now. He’s obviously going through a difficult time with his lung, so I’m going to just let things be, let him rest, and be there if he needs me (which I highly doubt he will reach out to me for anything since he doesn’t seem interested in even making small talk at the moment…).

Once he’s home, settled, and on the mend (like has had many days to recover), I don’t think I’m going to stay with him. I’m not currently interested in attending the weddings with him anymore because it’s clear that he’s indifferent toward me. It hurts, but I do feel I tried my best to do what I knew at the time. He just lost interest as the weeks went on.

August 2, 2016 at 10:08 am #111320

Anonymous
Guest

Dear dreaming715:

You wrote that indeed it is true that ” you take yourself out of the equation of the relationship, as if you are a neutral party to it, not one to choose or judge. It is all up to him- he makes the rules, you neutrally wait for him” You wrote: ” This is so spot-on. I was nodding my head while reading that statement.”

If it is spot on then there is something for you to do differently in this relationship and/ or in any other in the future. This “spot on” realization has no value unless it leads to a change in your behavior.

Now, I am not saying that you are the cause for every ill in a relationship. I am saying that you have to place yourself on the driving seat of a relationship, so it is a co-driving situation, not you being a passive, neutral observant in the passenger seat while you passively hope he will drive the two of you to a good destination.

You have to participate in the driving. So back to the conversation you quoted, you could have told him how you felt about him instead of asking him first what he feels. You could tell him what your intentions for the relationship are instead of asking him for his intentions first. You could ask for his intentions and let him know his answer does matter to you because what you want in the relationship matters.

Before you give up on this one, why not practice this new behavior?

anita

August 2, 2016 at 10:36 am #111324

Katie
Participant

Wow, I really relate to what you’ve written. Pretty frustrating to be open and supportive and get that response in return. Could be that he is just not that much of a texter. Also, do you know what his relationship history is like? Like, has he had long term relationships or just more casual short things without a lot of depth? I think you know what sort of relationship you want and if he is able to be a participant in it, which sounds like he really hasn’t shown himself to be. But he might just operate at a different pace than you. And perhaps Anita is right – if you think he has potential to be the sort of partner that you want and if you really do *like* him, maybe try to be more assertive with what you want. Heck, even if he’s not the sort of partner you want, practice is definitely a good thing!

August 3, 2016 at 3:40 pm #111457

dreaming715
Participant

Anita: I liked your advice: “You have to participate in the driving. So back to the conversation you quoted, you could have told him how you felt about him instead of asking him first what he feels. You could tell him what your intentions for the relationship are instead of asking him for his intentions first. You could ask for his intentions and let him know his answer does matter to you because what you want in the relationship matters. Before you give up on this one, why not practice this new behavior?”

Katie: You said, “And perhaps Anita is right – if you think he has potential to be the sort of partner that you want and if you really do *like* him, maybe try to be more assertive with what you want.”

So you are both recommending that I don’t throw in the towel and instead take this as an opportunity to practice more assertive behavior. Being a “co-driver” and not sitting back passively. I like this idea, although I have to admit it’s a little challenging right now because he’s still in the hospital due to the (successful) surgery he had yesterday. He can’t leave for two more days.

It’s interesting because I can sense his boredom over social media. He’s at a hospital in another state (so he doesn’t have an abundance of visitors besides immediate family). I’ve seen him posting things on social media, “liking” things, etc… Yet, he has not initiated ANY conversation with me besides the bare minimum of the logistics of what’s happening with his surgery, when he’ll be able to leave, etc…

If I were in his shoes, I would probably be thinking about throughout the day. I’d find comfort in texting him. It would ease the boredom and cheer me up. He has not once initiated conversation. Not even, “How is your week going?” While I believe this is an appropriate time for him to focus on his needs, I find it a little peculiar that he’s so comfortable easing his boredom on social media, yet not communicating with me. Not a good sign. I thought we were supposed to be “dating,” and this does not currently even feel like a friendship.

I feel very sad about this because I’ve grown to care about him and it’s apparent that he’s indifferent to my few attempts to reach out, tell him I’m here if he needs anything, etc. I feel sad and rejected.

August 4, 2016 at 2:14 am #111483

dreaming715
Participant

And Katie, I forgot to answer your question. He is 31 (well, will be in about 1 month) and his longest relationship was 2 years long and that was almost a decade ago. To my knowledge, most of his dating experience has not been super serious and he’s never lived with anyone.

Also I texted him yesterday at 2:30 pm and my text included a question and he never texted me back.

Still feeling hurt and like this further exemplifies the one-sided feelings and his disinterest. So I’m just not going to text him anymore (unless he starts initiating texts) because I feel this is a clear sign that he would prefer to not be in close contact right now. Got the hint, loud and clear.

August 4, 2016 at 6:57 am #111494

Anonymous
Guest

Dear dreaming715:

Regarding the pattern I’ve been trying to understand, the pattern of the men in your life losing interest in you, I have more understanding at this point. My analysis on this thread so far, which you agreed with, is true. And then there is a modifying part which is clear to me now.

This is a quote from what you wrote to me: “You (anita) wrote that indeed it is true that ‘you take yourself out of the equation of the relationship, as if you are a neutral party to it, not one to choose or judge. It is all up to him- he makes the rules, you neutrally wait for him’ You wrote: ” This is so spot-on. I was nodding my head while reading that statement.”

This is my modifying part: you presented yourself to him as a neutral party to the relationship in that conversation I commented on, but you are not a neutral party. I don’t think you considered the following and this may come to you as a shock, something you… automatically disagree with, but I hope you consider it when calm and let me know what you think and feel:

You are not a neutral party to the relationship with him/ other men (the pattern)- you are a hurt and angry party to each of those beginning relationships, predisposed to feeling hurt by the guy and angry at the guy. As a result your empathy to the guy is not there. It is all about you and nothing about him.

This latest guy is in the hospital, starting at the ER, or still there, but reading your account, his health and well being, the danger to his life, is either in parentheses or otherwise is not an issue for you. It is all about you, how he is not treating you well on his hospital bed.

“… Then early the next morning he had to go to the ER due to an issue with his left lung (this is the third time this has happened, it’s a condition he has managed for over a decade)…and he was having surgery tomorrow (aka today). I obviously told him I was sorry to hear that the issue with his lung reoccurred….His response, ‘Thanks. And good night.’ This is an opportunity to welcome my support as someone he is dating… and it’s clear to me that he isn’t interested in communicating any more than he has to (this was even days before the lung occurrence)…. he doesn’t seem interested in even making small talk at the moment…). Once he’s home, settled, and on the mend (like has had many days to recover), I don’t think I’m going to stay with him.”

I think that the guys notice you don’t care about them, have little to no empathy for them, that you are anything from a neutral to a predisposed hurt and angry party to the beginning relationship.

anita

August 4, 2016 at 9:10 am #111510
dreaming715
Participant
Anita, I have to respectfully disagree. I will provide examples.

Example 1: Approximately 2.5 weeks ago he noticed something seemed “off” with his lung. He texted me saying he was on his way to the ER. My exact text was, “Oh wow really?? Well let me know what the doctors say… Hopefully it’s nothing serious. I’m also close by so let me know if you need anything or just want the company. Keep me updated!” He was released that same evening and told to just go home and rest. He asked if I would mind picking him up from the hospital and driving him home. I replied, “Yeah I can definitely give you a ride back!” Before picking him up I went to a bakery and got him his favorite dessert which are chocolate chip cookies (in an attempt to cheer him up). He also asked if I could bring him to the pharmacy to get his pain medication refilled. I said absolutely. The next evening I came over to see him, but before coming I told him I had all of the ingredients for pasta and asked if he’d like me to bring them over so he could relax and not have to worry about cooking (that way he could also have leftovers on-hand). He declined and said he would just make a pizza. During this time I did not once ask him to do anything that could strain his lung. I followed his lead and was happy to spend time with him doing activities that he was comfortable with, while checking in and asking how he was feeling.

*Note: At this point I noticed he was being slightly less affectionate in his texts, not making solid plans like he did in the beginning (example: No longer saying, “Let’s meet at this restaurant at this time” and instead saying “We can do something tomorrow, we’ll figure it out, and then not following up on the plans until I ask if we were still planning on getting together.”)

Example 2: Approximately 4.5 days ago he was out of state and texted met that at the end of music festival he went to the ER and this time they had to keep him there for his lung. My text message was, “M, I’m so sorry to hear that happened and am honestly also disappointed by how the previous doctors didn’t monitor your lung longer. I know this situation is frustrating, but what matters most is that you’re doing okay and your current doctors will take care of it. This time they’ll take the right measures to resolve it. I’m glad you let me know what’s going on and if you need anything at all I’m here. I know rest is important right now. Keep me updated when you can, just know I’m thinking about you. Your lung is recovering and this will all be behind you soon!”

He said, “Haha yes, thank you… it sucks, just gotta get through it.”

The night before his surgery I also wished him luck and assured him everything would go well. I have not pestered him with “check-in” texts. I have also tried throw in a few things to show I care (like one emoji with a kissing face, one little encouraging picture that said, “You’ve got this!”, and signing off on a text with xoxo).

*Note: I have not one single time said anything along the lines of, “I haven’t heard from you?” “Why didn’t you text me back?” Or even brought up ANYTHING about my life.

I see through social media that he is communicating with other people. I texted him yesterday (almost 24 hours ago) and asked if his friend was still with him or if he had to fly back home. He has not answered my text. And, to give him space, I have not said anything more to him because I don’t want to pester him. What hurts is that he’s on social media talking to other people when I feel I’ve made a concerted effort to do everything right. In both examples I genuinely wanted to help. I’ve helped him as much as he would let me.

Anita, I feel that you’ve pegged me wrong. Do I bring hurt into the beginning of a relationship? Maybe a little (although I don’t talk about it). Do I have little to no empathy for them? This, I truly believe, is incorrect.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by dreaming715.
August 4, 2016 at 9:20 am #111514

Anonymous
Guest

Dear dreaming715:

I should be more humble in my evaluations and analyses, suggest and ask before feeling confident. According to your examples, you acted toward him in a caring way. And it was him who inexplicably withdrew from you. I don’t know why.

In your last few lines you wrote that you may be bringing some hurt into the beginning of a relationship. Then it is something to look into. You also wrote that you believe you are empathetic to the guy- and so, I was wrong.

What I an trying to do is figure things out, figure out the pattern. I got something right, I know so, because you told me I got it right- the lack of assertiveness. Then I examined further, you corrected me where I was wrong, and so we keep going, as long as you are in it with me, we keep going trying to understand, learn for the purpose of acting more and more effectively, so that you do get what you need and deserve, and that is to love and be loved in return.

anita

August 4, 2016 at 1:59 pm #111544

dreaming715
Participant

Hi Anita: I appreciate you, and everyone, who responds on this forum. Your attitude of “as long as you are with me, we keep going trying to understand.” Thank you!! It’s a wonderful quality when someone is resilient in their attempts to help others.

Just a thought. Maybe it’s not necessarily me (or anyone) who is doing anything “wrong.” Since this is a pattern with the majority of my online dating attempts, maybe it’s actually the medium and the seemingly common types of personalities that flock to it.

My guess is that online dating is sort of like online shopping. You see a shiny new toy, you have to have it, you get excited when you do. After awhile, the novelty wears off and you start thinking “but what about the other shiny toys out there?” The options of online dating (if you live in a relatively populated area) are almost endless.

I also read an article about online dating creates an inflated sense of infatuation and almost promotes a false intimacy. You’re meeting someone who is essentially a stranger to you and it’s all new and exciting, your brain is high off of a dopamine rush, and then then rush inevitably ends. To be honest, online dating might just be more a “luck of the draw” type of thing. When it works for people, I think they’re the exception, not the rule.

August 4, 2016 at 8:59 pm #111552

Anonymous
Guest

Dear dreaming715:

Lots of people who met online have relationships, and I am guessing those are not worse than when meeting offline. Before online dating the divorce rate was 50% if I have it right.

We are already on to a few things: the lack of assertiveness on your part is one, the need for you to take the driver seat from the beginning of a relationship, to assert yourself, to state your feelings, needs, wants.

Before, we went over you ask a guy questions, listening and understanding what is going on. If you look at previous threads you started you can find the parts where I came up with ideas and you agreed they were good ideas or suggestions.

The pattern, the lack of success in your dating is a result of multiple factors. I don’t know all of them and I am not sure about the last one you suggested in the last post. I do know about the factors you already agrees are valid. There is enough there for you to use in the future.

If you make it your aim to learn and function in ways that maximize your chances of success in dating and in any other area, you are very, very likely to succeed.

anita

August 23, 2016 at 7:53 am #113055

tc11
Participant

Hi!

I would have to say that I feel that I am currently in an identical position as you are. After two months, I feel like I should have a pretty good idea of how he feels about the realtionship (not me, because I belive the two are very different). I can’t offer too much advice, as I am pretty much in your boat, but I have to say that I fully understand how you feel– rejected, almost a bit used for convenience, and on the brink of giving up. It’s hard not to feel this way, although this is more of a “him” issue, and not a you issue. How has it been over the last week?
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