Dear nycartist:

Of course I remember. And this time, I will not address the politics but the issue of the friendship only. You’ve known her most of your life, you spent a lot of time talking, have memories, have loved each other.. but she has turned abusive. What you experienced with her most recently is that she mistreated you. And it is not the first time.

“Why is it so hard to let go?”- because of that “love for each other and memories from the past”. It is hard to let go of love, even in the face of abuse.

From what you shared, you did everything right by her, and she has wronged you. I wouldn’t have any contact with her unless and until she initiates a heartfelt, serious apology, attached to a significant effort to make amends to you.

I am sorry, nycartist. I hope you feel better very soon. When you feel badly, remind yourself that you treated her well, that you tried your best and delivered your best in this relationship. Rest in this knowing.

anita

Dear nycartist:

You are welcome. You wrote that you hope she comes to her senses and realizes the friendship is worth something. Maybe she is not worth the friendship; maybe she is not worth any more of your time and effort.

anita

Dear nycartist:

You shared that you received a Happy Thanksgiving text from this woman (it is clear to me that she is a former friend, not a current friend), and an email the next day. The email started as an apology, but then went into “a few more of her baseless accusations”, and passive aggressive jokes against you. Although it was “quasi apology” email, you wrote back to her a long, thoughtful email, expressing compassion for her, “trying to make peace”, expressing to her that you want to “work things out and continue on a more respectful way”, “trying to make peace.. focus on the things that unite us rather than divide us”.

Her response: she accused you of gaslighting her (Wikipedia: “Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment… gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim’s beliefs”), suggesting that your email was creepy and reminded her of a guy who stalked her.

You wrote about this woman: “(She) has some mental issues.. she seems to seriously have broken off from reality. It almost reminds me of a schizophrenic person who thinks there are conspiracies against them everywhere.. (she) accusing me of strange things that never happened, and even picking apart things  I’ve said and twisting them into sounding some other kind of way”.

Based on what you already shared,  her problem is unfortunately too common: she is a believer in Conspiracy Theories. I want to elaborate on this American destructive problem, a problem with consequences way bigger than the loss of  single friendship. I will be quoting and paraphrasing from Wikipedia. (I will not mention any person in the current U.S. administration, nor will I mention the current U.S. most current and popular conspiracy theories):

“Conspiracy theories once limited to fringe audiences have become commonplace in mass media, contributing to conspiracism emerging as a cultural phenomenon in the United States of the late 20th and early 21st centuries.. Conspiratorial thinking is correlated with antigovernmental orientations.. perceiving a governmental threat to individual rights and displaying a deep skepticism that who one votes for really matters. Conspiracy theories are often commonly believed, some even being held by the majority of the population.

A broad cross-section of Americans today gives credence to at least some conspiracy theories. For instance.. the equivalent of 120 million Americans” believe that the chemtrail conspiracy theory (“the erroneous belief that long-lasting condensation trails.. consisting of chemical or biological agents left in the sky by high-flying aircraft, sprayed for nefarious purposes undisclosed to the general public”) is “completely true” or “somewhat true”, according to a 2016 study.

“Conspiracy theories are widely present on the Web in the form of blogs and YouTube videos, as well as on social media”.

Wikipedia defines conspiracy theory as “an explanation for an event or situation that invokes a conspiracy by sinister and powerful groups, often political in motivation, when other explanations are more probable”.

“Conspiracy theories resist falsification (“the capacity for a statement, theory or hypothesis to be contradicted by evidence”) and are reinforced by circular reasoning (“a logical fallacy in which the reasoner begins with what they are trying to end with”- the reasoner uses what he/she believes to be the conclusion (ending) of his argument as the premise (beginning) of his argument. Here is an example that I just now making up: a reasoner believes that the world is flat, that’s his conclusion; he then begins his argument with the conclusion (the ending)  being his premise (beginning): the earth is flat, therefore the photos from space showing the earth is round are fake photos, photoshopped and published by a sinister, powerful group.

“both evidence against the conspiracy and an absence of evidence for it are re-interpreted as evidence of its truth, whereby the conspiracy becomes a matter of faith rather then something that can be proved or disproved.”- continuing with the example I made up: one argues against the conspiracy theory I just made up, saying: there are no photos from space showing that the Earth is flat, so.. no evidence that the Earth is flat. The  only photos/ evidence is that the earth is round.

The believer in the conspiracy theory would say: there are no photos of the earth being flat because that sinister, powerful group are hiding those photos from the public, and all the scientists are in on it.  And the photos that show that the Earth is round- those are fake, photoshopped…

“Real conspiracies, even very simple ones, are difficult to conceal and routinely experience unexpected problems. In contrast, conspiracy theories suggest that conspiracies are unrealistically successful and that groups of conspirators, such as bureaucracies, can act with near-perfect competence and secrecy… events and situations are simplified to exclude complex or interacting factors, as well as the role of chance and unintended consequences. Nearly all observations are explained as having been deliberately planned by the alleged conspirators. In conspiracy theories, the conspirators are usually claimed to be acting with extreme malice”.

Robert Brotherton, the author of the book Suspicious Minds: Why We Believe Conspiracy Theories: “The malevolent intent assumed by most conspiracy theories goes far beyond everyday plots borne out of self-interest, corruption, cruelty, and criminality. The postulated conspirators are not merely people with selfish agendas or differing values. Rather, conspiracy theories postulate a black-and-white world in which good is struggling against evil. The general public is cast as the victim of organised persecution, and the motives of the alleged conspirators often verge on pure maniacal evil. At the very least, the conspirators are said to have an almost inhuman disregard for the basic liberty and well-being of the general population. More grandiose conspiracy theories portray the conspirators as being Evil Incarnate: of having caused all the ills from which we suffer, committing abominable acts of unthinkable cruelty on a routine basis, and striving ultimately to subvert or destroy everything we hold dear”.

“Belief in conspiracy theories is generally based not on evidence, but in the faith of the believer”.

Back to your story: this woman, your former friend, accused you of gaslighting her (“She told me I was gaslighting her”), that is, she accused you of manipulating her to doubt her beliefs in conspiracy theories.

This is quite insane, isn’t it.

You wrote in your recent post: “I’m finding myself rereading these emails multiple times a day and replaying this in my mind. I know I HAVE TO LET GO”- I would like to help you, if only a bit, to let go. For that purpose, I am wondering about the nature of your difficulty to let her go, or to let it go. I am asking the following question because it occurred to me as a possibility and I am checking with you if there is any truth to it: are you afraid of her in any way, afraid of what she might do out of anger at you?

anita

Dear nycartist:

You are most welcome.

“I am taking it as a personal failure that I couldn’t make it work.. ‘fix it’.. was my role in my family all my life”.

In your first post, March 8, 2019, you stated your family role: “I was ALWAYS the peacemaker”, always in capital letters suggests to me that you were the peacemaker even before the feud between your mother and uncle started.

How far back (and in what circumstances) before the feud,  do you remember yourself being the peacemaker, the one who fixes it, the one that makes it work?

anita

Dear nycartist:

I went through all your posts, in previous threads and in this one, so to gain a better understanding and do my best to be of some help to you. Here is the little you shared about your childhood experience (quotes included):

Your mother is “someone who has exposed (you) to a LOT of pain”. Your relationship with her- “a complicated relationship”. Your family- “a very toxic and broken family”. You did not feel that you belonged/ that you were part of a loving family (“The man I married and his family are giving both my mom and I a second chance to feel like we belong and are part of a loving family”).

When you were 2, your parents divorced. Being an only child, you lived with your mother before and after she remarried. From about the age of 2-13, you stayed/ visited with your father on weekends/ Sundays. “He was by all accounts unstable, he used drugs, couldn’t hold a job, lost his license for drunk driving”. He abused you. He convinced you to “not say anything”, and that “if he couldn’t see (you), he would die”, that you were “the only thing in his life and he would kill himself if he couldn’t see (you)”.

Your mother had an abusive relationship with your stepfather. You “saw lots of physical abuse happen to her and many times tried to stop it”, you felt that you “had to protect her”.

You wrote yesterday: “I had the mental health of my parents on my shoulders from a young age. Each time things didn’t work out.. with my dad, my mom and stepdad.. it’s like a very sick feeling comes up when I fail to make things work… I am trying to keep in  mind that everyone.. is still alive. No one killed themselves or is left destroyed because I couldn’t fix something.. I am trying to free myself from feeling like it’s all on me to fix it.”

Earlier: “(when) I need to say no to, with friends or anyone, I find it nearly impossible. I am so afraid of making someone angry. I’ve compromised myself in so many ways just to avoid conflict… this gnawing fear that I’ll have someone mad at me, or someone cut me out of their life and cast me aside… The idea that someone is going to think ill of me is almost unbearable.. it’s literally sickening when I think of someone being ‘displeased’ with me”.

When a previous thread was reported as inappropriate by a member who was displeased with its political content, you wrote: “I’m just worried now that I’ll be banned from this forum or something.. I hope it doesn’t have some other consequence”.

You shared: “I have learned in life that people will treat you how they choose to treat you. Asking to have it change seems to only make the situation more awkward… I have a very long history in my life of being told my opinion doesn’t matter, I don’t count, and to shut up… like I have to walk on eggshells and not speak up when I feel so badly… telling people my  needs.. usually leads to a fight…I am mad at myself for opening up once more only to be rejected and made fun of. These kinds of rejections hit me so hard because it triggers those old feelings I’ve felt in my life so many  times.. of being ridiculed, of being rejected.”

Most recently, you wrote an email to your former friend: “I took 3 days to write this email to make sure it came across the right way.. trying to make peace.. She told me.. that my email was creepy, and reminded her of a guy that ‘stalked’ her, and basically poked even more fun of me”.

In March 2019, you wrote regarding another woman, a friend at the time: “I just want to help her feel less pain and cheer her up somehow. But I’ve been told (by other friends) I can sometimes be too overbearing in the past, so I’m cautious not to push it”.

My current understanding, putting all the above together: when your father told you that you are the only thing in his life, and that if he couldn’t see you, he would die- you felt very important, powerful- so powerful that the life of this grown man depended on you.

In a reality where you, as a child, were so very powerless over what was happening around you- this feeling of power was intoxicating. This feeling was something you desperately needed so to survive the overwhelming reality of instability, unpredictability, emotional neglect, and abuse, a reality you had no power over.

Fast forward to most recently, your former friend, angry at you for differing political views etc., you have been figuratively chasing her (in a sense, stalking her, like she claimed), as if pleading with her: don’t walk away from me, turn around, look at me: you need me! I am important/ powerful!

In March 2019, you wrote that you’ve been told by friends that you “can sometimes be too overbearing”-

– “overbearing”, Merriam Webster’s definition: “a. tending to overwhelm: overpowering.. b. decisively important: dominant”.

* Notice the words POWER (overpowering) and IMPORTANT in this definition.

The child that you were was powerless but she needed to believe that she was powerful because being powerful meant that you were likely to survive and thrive.

You father abused you, he had all the power over you, but he gave you words that made it possible for you to feel and believe that you had power in his life. You took his words back home to your mother and stepfather, believing that you had the power to protect a grown woman from the abuse of a grown man.

You believed that you had the power to fix your father’s mental health, your mother’s and your stepfather’s (“I had the mental health of my parents on my shoulders from a young age”).

Feeling powerful, you tried to assert that power so to fix your mother and the others who needed fixing, and to make your life better. You told them what you needed, you offered your opinions, you asked for changes, but the results of your efforts were devastating: telling your parents what you needed angered them (“telling people my needs.. usually leads to a fight”), telling them your opinion resulted in them telling you that your opinion doesn’t matter (“being told my opinion doesn’t matter”), telling them that you wanted changes resulted in the situation getting worse (“Asking to have it change seems only make the situation more awkward”).

Those you tried to help, those you believed you had power over cast you aside, thought ill of you, told you that you don’t count, told you to shut up, they were displeased with you, thought ill of you, rejected you, ridiculed you, made fun of you, banned you, or there was some other bad consequence, something bad happened (“cast me aside.. think ill of me.. “ridiculed, rejected.. banned.. some other consequence.)

Each time that happened, you were confronted by your powerlessness and that was  a sickening feeling. The sickening feeling was about the gap between what you believed/ needed to believe and reality. The sickening feeling is about feeling powerless in a reality in which you were indeed powerless. (“it’s like a very sick feeling comes up when I fail to make things work”).

In conclusion, for now: I believe that it will help you a whole lot to thoroughly understand (understand emotionally, beyond just rationally) that you were really powerless, that you did not have the power you needed to believe that you had. Accepting this reality of your childhood will cause you to no longer chase people for that feeling of power. Instead, you will be able to reasonably and successfully assert the power that you do have in your life presently.

anita

Dear nycartist:

You are welcome. In my efforts to understand better, there is always more to see and consider. Maybe your great reluctance to let go of this former friend (I do not consider her your friend, from all that you shared) has to do with your childhood-born gnawing fear of being cut out and cast aside: “this gnawing fear that I’ll have someone mad at me, or someone cut me out of their life can cast me aside”-

– if you want to, can you tell  me in what ways you were cut out and cast aside as a child, particularly by your mother?

(I am always okay with you/ members not answering my questions, so feel free to not answer anything you are not comfortable answering).

anita

Dear nycartist:

I will read and reply to you in about 9 hours from now.

anita