Dear Kirti:

Will you share more about your life: how many children you have, their ages, your relationship with your husband, parents, others? I would like to know more and hopefully, offer you something that may be of some help.

anita

Dear Kirty:

You wrote, “I feel so depressed about al these years of my youth just passing by”- I don’t know if it will help you to think this way, but it helps me because the following thinking is true to reality:

youth passes no matter how we spent that youth. Youth passes or is otherwise gone for every person who has ever lived, who will ever live, anywhere. We are all in the same boat this way.

Who does not regret the passing of youth- if one enjoyed that youth, there is a lot of regret about losing all that joy. If one didn’t enjoy youth much, there is regret about not having enjoyed it. There is regret in either case, unless we are able to choose to.. not regret.

Question is if and how can you make your relationship with your husband better. The fighting has to stop, for the sake of the children and for your sake and his. Is there a possibility of you going back to work earlier than in (how many years from now?)

I suppose there are a few options for you, separation or divorce may be one, or not. Going back to work earlier than later is another possibility. I assume you already thought about your options.

* I will be back to the computer in a couple of hours or so.

anita

Dear Kirti:

I will restate your story: You worked 12 years in the IT industry, had a good position in a big IT company. You got married 18 years ago, had your first child and continued to work until you got pregnant with your second child. At that time you took a break from work. Your intention was to resume work in one year, using your husband help raising the two children. But your husband insisted that he must work (in the IT industry as well) until late at night, 11 pm, later 10 pm, and so you didn’t have his help and wasn’t able to resume work.

The one year intended break turned to an 11 year break so far. He comes back home at 10 pm every night these 11 years. Even when you are sick he refuses to leave work earlier. He also refuses to cook for the children. You have been taking antidepressants for the last 8 years, gained some weight as a result, and your husband communicated to you that you are “very ugly person now”.

You asked him repeatedly to talk but he refused. You saw a counselor, asked him to join you to a counseling session, but he refused. He goes to a gym, you joined his gym so to spend some time with him, but while there he refuses to talk to you, flirts with other women and pretends he doesn’t know you. When you talked to him about it, he shouted at you. You stopped going to the gym.

Your teenage son witnessed your many fights with your husband and your loneliness and  “started feeling marriage is a worst thing”. He doesn’t do well academically at school. Your parents who were against this marriage live on their own and “are always sick”.

You wrote: “sometimes (I) want to run away from this life… this is not the life I wanted… this is nt the relationship I wanted… but I am stuck”.

I have a couple of questions so that I can understand better. I will wait for your answers and reply again:

1. Who  helped you raising your first child while you were at work, before you got pregnant the second time?

2. When did your husband stop talking to you, or did he never engage in a conversation with you? If he never talked with you, why did you get married with him? If he did talk to you and then stopped, what did he share in those talks?

anita