Home→Forums→Relationships→Still a minor living with parents, what can I do??
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July 30, 2017 at 10:44 am #161094
RaelloParticipantHi,
I’m 15 years old, so I’m still living at home. My relationship with my parents has been all over the place, but the bottom line is that they always have good intentions, love me so. much., and practically live for me.
The thing is, there’s always been a lot of mix up between their intentions and what really happens. Up until I was about 12, my older sister 15, and my younger sister 11, my dad used to hit all of us at least three times a month, my sisters more than me. It wasn’t really a discpline thing, more of a “lost his temper” sort of thing. My dad has also never really been here, in this moment; he’s either at work, on travel, or home but his mind isn’t home. My dad can be alternately very clingy/needy, then extremeley angry, and the cycle always starts and stops with a deep sadness.
My mom has anxiety, anorexia, and depression. The anorexia part was really active during her childhood, but was only present for a few years during my childhood. Her depression is also not very noticeable, but the anxiety is very prominent. She’s sort of a helicopter parent; very smothering, unwilling to give privacy, and unrational about the little things. My mom, like my dad, doesn’t “get” my feelings, except in a different way — she basically tells me to stop being -insert negative emotion-.
I don’t know if the true dysfunction of my family comes off in that, but my older sister had a suicide attempt a few years ago, and struggles with anxiety, anorexia, depression, PTSD, and a self harm addiction; my younger sister developed a porn addiction at age 9, as well as has anxiety, depression, and anorexia.
There has been a lot of therapy in my family since my sister’s suicide attempt, and frankly, things have gotten much better, but they are still not good enough to where I feel okay to be myself, loved, seen, and heard at home. I’ve worked on myself quite a bit, though, and love myself, am confident in myself, have found meaningful relationships outside of family, etc.
All that for this question 😛
Do you have any suggestions on what I can/should do when there is clearly love in my family, but my family is still very dysfunctional, and I feel like I don’t want relationships with my parents because it isn’t good for ME, and I don’t need them??
Thank you for taking the time to read this!! <3
July 31, 2017 at 5:03 am #161230
LajlaParticipantHmm, I had a tough time with my family too, and I also was younger (I’m 21 now), and asking my self very same question(s) as you are asking us here…
What I realized trough therapy my self, is that I can’t change them. At some point, I had to accept that they are what they are, not better or worse, and that I have two choices: 1. Still obsess why they are as they are, to me, to themselves… or 2. Accept that/them and redirect my energy and focus on building my life, life where I have my freedom and where I’m living away from them.
I’m not saying you cut off relationship with them (it not necessary), I’m saying you are young, and have opportunity to build yourself a life. To go to college, to find a job, to move out, something where you wont be living with them. I think that would help. It’s much easier to have one video/phone call a week and have relationship with them when you are away.
That could be your goal. I believe you have a capability to do that for yourself. Now, it just left three years till you are 18. In that time, I would recommend therapy for you, and working on accepting them (that doesn’t mean everything they did is okay, just that you don’t spend your life obsessing about them). And it would help you to build yourself a life you would want to live.
Not everything goes over night, I understand your frustration, but chance is you can get yourself out of it.
Good luck 🙂
July 31, 2017 at 5:30 am #161234
AnonymousGuestDear Raello:
You wrote: “I don’t want relationships with my parents because it isn’t good for ME, and I don’t need them”- I believe it is fine and you owe it to yourself to not have a relationship that is not good for you. If a relationship is not good for you, don’t have it, no matter if it is a parent, a sibling, or a stranger.
You wrote: “they always have good intentions, love me so. much., and practically live for me”-
I am challenging your statement.
First, “they always have good intentions: you wrote that your father “hit all of us at least three times a month… a ‘lost his temper’ sort of thing… extremely angry”- when a person (or any animal) is angry, the motivation, the intent is to harm another, to inflict harm or pain on another. And so, “they always have good intentions” is … not true.
Second, “they… love me so. much.”- not when your father is hitting you, there is no love then and there. There is no love when he is home and “his mind isn’t home”. When your mother is “very smothering, unwilling to give privacy”- that is not love either. Love does not smother and love does give privacy to the loved one. Love tells you it is okay to feel whatever you feel. It does not tell you to “stop being -insert negative emotion”.
Third, “they… practically live for me”- … let me ask you, what does this means to you, that your parents are living, practically for you (and for your siblings)?
anita
August 1, 2017 at 1:12 am #161520RaelloParticipantHi Lajila,
Thank you so much for your reply & kind words <3! I really appreciate this advice from someone who has been in a similar situation.
I think it will be much easier for me to have a (somewhat) healthy relationship when I move out, and that is definitely something I’m looking forward to.
I am actually in therapy right now, and have been for about a year. The thing is, my therapist is less focused on me accepting them and learning how to deal with them the way they are, and more focused on trying to find ways to change their behaviour so it’s easier to interact with them… I’m kind of neutral either way, I guess, because part of me really does want my parents to change, so I’m willing to try my therapist suggesting things to them/trying for more open communication/etc., but on the other hand, I’m very drained and not hopefull at all that they will ever change, and I figure my energy might be better spent on learning to be okay with that. Do you have any suggestions or thoughts about that??
Thank you again so so much for the advice!! I really appreciate the reminder about how I’m still young enough to build a life where my parents aren’t the main focus, just a part.
August 1, 2017 at 1:29 am #161522RaelloParticipantHi, Anita!!
Thank you so much for your advice!! It differs greatly from a lot of my beliefs, so it definitely made me think about and question my morals, in a good way! 😛
I guess the thing about me not having a relationship with my parents, period, is I feel like I owe them something. These are the people that gave birth to me, fed me, clothed me, and did everything and are doing everything they can so I can have the best life possible. It doesn’t feel right to cut them out of my life, and I don’t think I could live with myself if I did. Despite everything, I love them a whole lot…
My parents are both of Indian-origin, so they were both raised by parents who regularly hit them. In my dad’s case, he had a really close relationship with his parent’s anyways, and it didn’t affect him a whole lot (ie, scared or resentful of parents). I think he always viewed it as an act of love/discipline/”I’m doing this for you” kind of thing. As messed up as that is, I honestly I believe his intention was never to hurt any of us.
With my parents and love, I think their definition of love has always been really twisted in their own lives. My mom was sexually assaulted as a kid, so I think that’s where the overprotectiveness comes from; a place of fear for my safety that is ultimately love, but a scared, hurt love.
My dad has always struggled with expressing his emotions, and being in the now. He is a really intellectually smart person, and I think sometimes his brain is almost too intelligent to focus on the little things, if that makes sense.I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I really, really believe my parents have always done their very best. I don’t think they’ve ever once come from a place of malice with me or my sisters. And while that doesn’t make any of their mistakes okay, for me, it at leasts means I can’t cut them out of my life. They’ve loved me as best as they can, and that best hasn’t been enough, but I love them for doing their best, and for trying, and loving and raising me as well as they know how…
Honestly, I don’t think the fact that my parents don’t have lives outside of me and my sisters is a good thing at all. They’ve devoted this portion of their lives to us, and it’s not healthy. I wish it wasn’t like that. Even so, they do it out of a place of love and good intention.
Thank you again for your advice <3 I’m sorry this reply was so contrarion!! I just really want to thank you again for the different perspective!
August 1, 2017 at 8:16 am #161547AnonymousGuestDear Raello:
You are welcome.
I understand your belief that you owe your parents for having fed you, clothes you, etc.; that it will be wrong of you to cut off contact with them. I definitely understand your loving feelings for them, your attachment.
On the other hand, you wrote in your original post: “I don’t want relationships with my parents because it isn’t good for ME”- you wrote me in capital letters. When the cost of loyalty to one’s parents is the health of the child/ adult child (in the case of your sister, her very life, since she attempted suicide), then I believe the child should choose himself/ herself over the loyalty to the parents.
I am suggesting that not having relationships with your parents will be your legal right as an adult- the fact that it will be your legal right is the objective reality. I believe it will be then also your moral/ ethical right. The latter is my personal belief. Keep in mind that there are people who believe it is okay to not have any relationship/ any contact with one’s parents as an adult.
anita
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