I know that I have become a stronger person and i have matured a lot since i was younger but i think i see myself having the same relationship over and over but just with different people. Here are some of the patterns or things that i see have happened in past relationships and i am dealing with in my current one;

1. I feel the need to protect them and take care of them even when my needs are not being met. I feel bad for rushing into the relationship and find it hard to leave or change when the other person seems so vulnerable and “needs me”.

2. I have let my partner control my finacially thinking that they are taking care of me and that we are a team. We decide for me to quit my job so i can focus on other things and then i always end up broke and starving and having to hustle and work crappy jobs when my partner falls short of their promises to pay the bills – which do nothing for my credit or taxes bc everything is never in my own name. I foolishly think that i can go back to school and be a stay at home mom and buy all the dreams i am being sold so i will stay home for them.

3. I feel like i cannot live without this person or some person to love me and help support me and often feel no reason for living when i am living alone. I feel like my family doesnt really care about me and my friends are “fair weathered” or only there to use me for something. My partners always confirm these feelings leaving me to distance myself or cut them off completely.

I have been broken up with my ex for 6 months and living on my own now but we are trying to make it work. I just want to get married and move away from this crappy city and have a baby and live happily ever after but i am so scared and dont feel like i have much time left. ( im almost 32 )