Hi Anita

Sorry ive taken a while to get back to you. this is a pattern of mine, very eager to connect and then i withdraw.

I am familiar with the terms. ive discovered what my negative core imprint is which is to believe im unlovable. Ive been thinking about what you wrote, about the shame i carry because i know deep down my parents dont love me. i was around my parents today and again i felt it. I feel like i dont belong with them at all, they feel so far away from me, its conflicting feelings, guilt, sadness, shame…. What has always been obvious to me is even more obvious now. What i mean by this is with my two elder sisters who know longer speak to them are really their favourites. what hurts is how they behave in front of me when either one of them comes up in conversation, its like they cant see the daughter that is still speaking to them right in front of their eyes! my other sister hears it too but it doesnt appear that she feels hurt by it, only she knows if this is true.  my dads favourite is ‘successful’ has quite a glamorous and active lifestyle, my other sister is my mums favourite as only she can make my mum happy, she ‘gets’ my mum.

As much as i dont want to admit this, when you wrote, i turned off my computer and then realised you had not replied, i felt insignificant because you forgot, this is my inner child. The adult me knows that this was not intentional and its totally ok that you done this and as soon as i said its ok i realise that its only ok because we dont know each other. in a real life situation, it would be huge but i wouldnt own up to it until i felt it a few times. I also have the same tendency, i say im going to do something and then dont see it through. when i decide to say something i mean it but then something happens, either change of circumstances or i feel fear again.

What also happens when i am trying to be authentic when im communicating with another person, i get very stuck. my mind goes blank, i cant think what to say, i want it to be natural and to flow but it doesnt, initially it does.

I liked what you said about  about finding your partner when you had nearly giving up hope of ever meeting anyone that would love you and you love them. i felt less alone as it was relatable about how you tried and tried in your relationships and you never got what you needed. it gives me hope that there has to be someone in this world that will love me properly. i do not want to hear love myself first because i beleive we as human beings are not meant to go through life alone. i am an expert at being alone, i need more people in my life but the older i get the harder it gets. Being alone without my daughter has brought on a kind of loss of identity. I dont feel like a mother so much now and what remains is the same loneliness that has always been there.

I feel i drag people down when they get to know me just like you may be feeling drained. its strange because there is another part to me that has energy, so much love to give, im playful and brave. my daughter has seen this part of me and my neice and nephew but i hardly see them now. life is just too hard on your own all the time. im scared that the more alone i am the more i am becoming very self absorbed or worse maybe i already have been and i couldnt see it because i was in it. i do feel like a victim alot and i feel i have hung onto this because if im not a victim then who am i? i dont want to be nothing, i m not ready for that yet within my spiritual practice as esentially we are all one, this does not give me comfort as i have been denied a healthy ego. I am willing to go as deep as i can but the deeper i go the more i feel i come up against a wall. the wall that prevents me from connection, joy and confidence.

i realised after sending the last reply i didnt respond to all of what you said. when my dad made fun of me with my sister, i didnt always see my mums reaction as i was scared to look incase she was joining in, what i saw was her smiling and not saying anything, it was the not doing on her part i hated. i notice i seem to blame her more than my dad when it was my dad that was doing the harm and my sister. when my dad would call me thick and my mum, i would encourage my mum to stick up for us both and i would share very sheepishly that he upset me, she would stick up for me but i felt i had to badger her into it. my dad has done quite inappropriate things where he just always done what he wanted to do. sometimes i called him out on it but i always felt shame for doing it and felt bad for embarrasing him as a dad. surely though if i had the courage to assert myself with him things were not that bad for me. this is why i think im giving them a hard time. its very confusing especially as i am a parent myself.

your probably thinking that im very immature for my focus being alot on my parents and still stuck in the dynamics of it all but its because im trying to heal. i can be very mature at times and i feel like i really have my head screwed on so to speak. if i had more of a support network i think my life would be completely different.

im not sure how much to share with you so ill stop here and wait for your response. i do appreciate you taking the time to reply. your feedback is helping me learn about myself.

sorry ive taken a while to reply. ive wanted too sooner but i have had alot to deal with. its strange though that even though i feel i have alot on my plate, i say it loud to another person and its no big deal and i question myself, whats wrong with me? why cant i just go faster? why am i so slow even though i dont think i am. i am in conflict in my head triggered by other peoples responses.

Margarita

Thankyou for being  so open about your own personal struggles and taking the time to respond. when you feel really alone it means alot. it sounds like you have experienced so much pain and im sorry that you have. it sounds like you have learned alot from being a single parent whilst having anxiety and depression. I would like to hear what helped get you through if you still want to.

i dont have it in me to say them words to my mum. its not about willingness as i could give many examples of times where i have tried to make amends or have taken responsibility when i shouldnt have and apologising first so i could feel ok and feel less guilty and of course not feel abandoned. just recently i have saw my mother in a way where i dont feel like i want to give very much to her at all now. if i was to say, again, it might seem like i should just get over it and stop being so sensitive but in my heart i know that i have to honour my feelings.

whenever i am trying to be firm and boundaried with my daughter, she tries many ways to test me and she knows exactly when to do it too, normally when she knows im tired, in a hurry or feeling a bit down. over the last few days she has got physical with me, barged into me deliberately, threw my new phone, threw shoes, slammed doors really hard, wanting to argue and talking over me alot. she said she has no respect for me. her moods change daily when i have been seeing her. upto now whenever we have not been getting on, i send a text or call to make sure she is ok to reassure her that i still love her. tonight i text her to say i think its best at the moment she doesnt come to the house because of her behaviour but she can ring me whenever she wants. im scared this is a mistake but surely she needs to learn there are consequences to her actions. i guess you could call this ‘tough love’ i cant help but feel i have let her down.

Anita

thankyou for your response.

The milk example i gave is a way i feel loved by someone where they are considerate, i dont think its asking too much. when i have asked my mum about but she just gets defensive, loud and tries to humiliate me by making it seem like im being too sensitive. it happened recently. when i mentioned before about how my mum and dad turned up when my daughter did where she was putting me down for not working full time and being on benefits, my mum was being supportive by saying that i am never alone and i can rely on my parents for help.i asked my mum for help since and she has begrudgingly helped with my cats. without going into too much detail, it was quite stressful in the car bringing the cats over. she realised she had upset me, instead of me reacting like i have done sometimes  when i have felt emotional, i didnt say anything and she broke the silence. she tried to act like everything was ok between us, i didnt go along with it and then she said ‘are you gonna sulk now’. again i just didnt bite as i needed her help. i guess you could say i was faking it but i was just trying to keep myself calm and in control as i was worried about my cats. i always wonder if my mums behaviour is deliberate or not as its very subtle what she does. i could go on and on with examples but it would be quite dull to read.

i realise now how much my daughter is manipulative. im really worried for her. i want her to have a good future and be a kind and caring person. even when we lived together she was putting me down about not working enough, she has done it for a while and not just about work. about the car i drove, our home not being modern or big enough. i beleive this is stemmed from her dad saying this to her over the years  as well as her cousins where my sister  & brother in law have had an attitude of me and house not being good enough.

you are right about her dad not thinking well of me anyway so why should i care about what she tells him. perhaps its naive of me but the last few weeks he has been civil with his emails (this is the only way we communicate) and im trying to make peace so hopefully my daughter will stop manipulating us both and he wont put me down in front of her.

when they made fun of me it really hurt and this is a big wound. im starting to feel a bit better in my own skin as im literally not afraid so much to show it as i want to feel good like everyone else and there not perfect. being self conscious has affected my confidence, my work performance and intimate relationships since i was very young.

maybe my  dad was venting to me but if felt like he needed some guidance. my dad has never been consistent with what he has said, my mum is the same. my family keep secrets from each other, many conversations end with ‘dont tell __

yes your right i am projecting my parents onto you. their not honest people and  i dont trust them.

i find that if im feeling isolated and needing some connection then i gravitate towards my family where my needs are so great that my knowing of not trusting them is forgotton in the moment and then i soon realise that i have fallen into the trap as im always hurt or left feeling manipulated. you are so right about what you have said about my parents, it helps to hear it from your you as i have so much doubt. i want a life where i am not around them like i am and to get there means meeting a partner and i must be careful not to see this person as my potential saviour but as my equal partner. i want to be financially secure and confident in myself and to have friends that put in as much effort as what i put in but there no where to be found yet.

i really appreciate being able to write on here and receiving the replies i have had.