Yes that fits for me. My family are very different from how I want them to be which conflicts with my belief is not having much worth. My mind  says ‘who do you think you are, your not important enough to have standards of what you will accept and not accept’  ‘your so deluded when you think your ok as you are because no one likes you, deep down you know this is true, where are all the people in your life, there isn’t anyone because nobody cares about you, they just feel sorry for you and occasionally use you for something or dump there stuff on you because they know your desperate for any kind of attention and so unsure of yourself that they can dump there crap on you so they can feel better’

I know the hard truth is despite my need for connection and belonging I must go without and gradually spend less time with them and hopefully meet other people that genuinley like me. I know you usually advise people to cut ties permanently with the family members that have done the original damage in order to heal but do you think seeing them on a rare basis could still help me heal?

A few  replies did not send which is frustrating so ill try and tie it together the best i can.

it does not trigger hope anymore with my mum but it still does with my dad but what does continue to happen is me feeling like i have to hide who i really am and the weight of the sadness combined from both parents passing the energy onto me. i am left feeling unseen, unheard, misunderstood and depressed about my life.

i do think the amount of therapy i have had over the years, the more awareness i now have and the healthier changes i have made and still want to create does count towards healing? I think i may have said before in a previous post that alot of the material of the work that was explored in therapy was about forgiveness, forgiving myself mainly for my parental mistakes i have made which naturally turned  towards my family and the way thet have treated me. i see it as a contradiction as i need to feel compassion towards myself for mistakes i have made and this has been guided to approach it by seeing myself as doing what i felt was right at the time with the limited resources i had. hurt people hurt other people and its the same for my parents. as im writing this i realise i may be confusing forgiveness with acceptance. although its a long way off where i can imagine a life without them, if or when i am presented with the opportunity to cut ties, this would be the hardest part of all of it even more than all the hurt i have felt as i dont want to hurt them by abandoning them. when i look at my parents i see broken adult children who never got what they needed either, how could i do that to them?

putting my parents aside, who am i without my family? i am a small person in a small world with no money of my own, no friends (only one) no relationship (i really want one but im really scared my anxiety will show up again as it usually does and having to feel so much shame when they get to know me and then of course waiting for the rejection) unemployed as i dont know what to do with my career so to cut ties with my family would isolate me completely and then i would really have no confidence to take risks.  im so eager to be with someone right now that i would probably end up being needy and moving the relationship too fast.

is it ok to continue doing what makes me feel good until i feel a bit more confident with getting into a relationship or am i putting off the vulnerability that always comes in any relationship? do you think im in a position to look for a relationship? sorry if this is too many questions.

ive beem thinking more about what you said about how to continue to spend time with them just reinforces the need to want to be loved by them. i thought i was ok with it but its not that simple is it.. today my mum was in hospital and i witnessed her feeling happier about being there, getting so much attention from doctors and nurses and of course myself, sister and my dad. i really did see her as a helpless child today and still manipulating the conversation under these horrible circumstances. im a believer in our mental and emotional reressed thpughts and feelings manifest physically if its given the attention and care it deserves. i wish my mum felt the desire to want to make better life style choices because she has a family but my mum always puts others on pedestals and speaks highly of how kind and caring other people are and how she prefers them. my dad is quite similar in this respect. on the way over to the hospital i was alone with my sister in the car and once again she started putting me down and bullying me. ive decided i know longer want her or my mum in my life after today. im still holding out for my dad even though deep down i know he doesnt really care too much about me either. it will be hard doing this though as she has promised a day trip with my daughter where my neice and nephew will be going too (she doesnt get to see enough of them as it is due to my brother in law and my sister) cutting off my sister means never seeing my neice and nephew again well not intil their older as i know she will use them as a weapon against me, i feel really angry towards her at the moment and in a way it feels good because ive made up my mind, i just dont want to lose my neice and nephew as their still very young and she will probably turn them against me and of course my daughter losing them too. is this the price i will have to pay to respect myself and think of my own wellbeing?

im glad you found the strength to end your relationship with her as it is obvious that doing so has been the right decision for you where you now feel like a worthy and significant person which you are. i hope to be where you are one day with the belief in myself that i can make it on my own without my mum and dad and become a confident person. it is making so much more sense to me. it helps to know what im aiming for even if im not there yet. im gonna try (which ive been doing already) to live my life as if they wearnt offering any help at all to build up my confidence.

‘the truth will set you free’ i like it and i shall remind myself of this. when i am very stressed i say ‘this too shall pass’ when time seems to stand still.

in my last post i asked if i was wrong for asking my sister about looking after my cat, do you think i was wrong? because i trust you can you honestly say if you would rather i stopped writing to you? i have this paranoia that people secretly dont like me and feel burdened when they are in contact with me. i value your time and kind words and your the only person at the moment who is encouraging me to think about my own needs.

well thought i should write again as i am feeling avoidant about how im feeling over recent events. Summer holidays had started and she wanted to be with me for a few days. it reminded me of how it was in her younger years, not listening to me and pushing boundaries. its relentless and i end up being an overbearing mum, at the time i think im doing right and to a degree i still think i am, i explain alot why i say no to things that she wants as i think its important she has a reason and of course i say yes and some of the time if not alot of the time she doesnt ask. she tries to get what she wants when she knows im preoccupied with something and it was quite serious so i have now said to her that we should only spend time together outside of the house which was hard for me to say. Out of exhaustion and feeling angry i swore at her and slammed the door. of course i regret it, it seems so hard to be so patient as i think even a person with the greatest patience in the world would feel challenged. so now i have to feel guilty about that. ive been trying to get us both some family counselling arranged which is challenging to say the least and also got in touch with my other therapist as i figure if she is willing to see me again after i have paid the debt that is owed, it will to use this as support which i feel i desperately need at the moment and being on here airing how i feel is valuable. i sent my therapist an email with a genuine apology and i havent had a response. im scared she wont respond as i will feel rejected again.

I had to ask my mum for money today as i was faced with my latest benefit statement and it will only be enough to cover the rent as i only receive half now. i acknowledge i have more than other people, im reminded of it every day, my neighrbour for one. she is an angry alcoholic and now has a house full with her two grown up children and two grandchildren, not one day goes by where she isnt screaming at them. ive hated living next to her but its got easier over the years as you get used to things.  i felt alot shame again speaking to my mum as i know what is expected of me when i need help. i feel i need to explain myself completely leaving nothing for myself, she wants information about my problems so she can keep tabs on me, she makes me feel like im lying and i am a huge burden and i honestly think id feel the same if it was my 37 year old daughter needing financial help off me, id be pissed off too. I am trying though, i applied for ten jobs today and when i said this to her its like she had heard it all before which again i dont blame her doubting me but its upsetting when my good efforts of trying to be more independent is not even noticed or a ‘well done’ its so rare that i have had any kind of acknowledgement. my sister who i mentioned in the last post came with me to visit my mum so she could make amends so i was useful for them, nothing more and knowing this helped  to get through it but of course it still hurts. the same dynamics played out again and i knew what was going on, their oblivious to what there doing, i could see the dishonesty, the grovelling, the subtle scape goating and most definetly being ignored. it reminded me of as a women/young girl how i feel so inadaquete when im conversing with  them as they seem to be alot quicker than me when it comes to figuring things out, like their always one step ahead of me and if i have anything to say or if i know something they dont it doesnt have value, i only to seem to get warmth from them together when im being the helper. its like im aware i like to think before i respond and i want what i say to make sense , ihave to know exactly what the person means and i think it could be because im full of anxiety so i cant relax. this relates with feeling incompetent as my dad said i was thick a few times growing up and it stuck. even my face looks dazed and i get told to smile alot which is depressing as alot of the time i dont wanna smile. i hope this makes sense to read.