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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • September 2, 2013 at 5:51 am #41561
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Last night after writing the forum “letter not to be sent”..I stumbled and fell. I emailed him. I wrote down my feeling on TB and on a piece paper than something in me just started to email him. I am trying to be gentle with myself ans true. I don’t want to lie to myself. Put on a brave face when I don’t feel brave. In my email to him, I expressed gratitude towards him. I told him about the work I have been doing. I told him about how the more I get to know myself, the more I understand why the relationship crumbled. With all forums I started here, I never mentioned how wonderful my ex was to me. He was patient with me on and off of anti depressant. He started closing off to me when all the burden of my sadness fell solely on him. I look to him for happiness. He kept telling to self nurture, to meditate and I never listened. I was too busy blaming him and the world for my unhappiness.

    I told him how I missed him but knew that I have to love myself before I can accept his or anyone else’s love. I also told him the realty of why I acted like I did when he broke it off. See it was easier to blame everything on him than to look within and face the regret. I am in a stage of regret in this journey of mine. My ex was my friend and love. Losing him has become a life lesson for me.

    What I now have to remember is that I don’t want his forgiveness. I just want clarity. I want to stop crying. I want to stop pitying myself. I want to stop having expectations of others. Honestly, a part of me just wants him to respond and tell me if all the remorse I am feeling is a fragment of my imagination or if he did actually love me. I know my insecurities are surfacing. I know not having a strong belief and support system within me is creating this chaos in my mind.

    Honestly, I couldn’t bare the pain anymore. I couldn’t let go without expressing how I felt to my best friend. The last memory i have of my ex is him not being able to move from where he was standing in Florence cause we had another one of our 5\6 hour flight and I was crying. For a minute I thought he was having a stroke. He tried his best to hold on to our relationship and I kept pushing him away because I wanted to prove to my self loathing self that I am unlovable. All my adult life, I have been trying to prove myself right by pushing everyone away.

    In the end, I wished him lucky and told him that the woman he is with is very lucky and I am very unlucky having had him in my life and lost.

    I was never going to tell anyone about this but you guys have become family I never had.
    Thanks for listening again….

    September 2, 2013 at 7:35 am #41563
    Matt
    Participant

    Sapna,

    Why are you so grovelly to us? You don’t owe us anything… if you want to email him, email him. Its your journey, sister. You hold all your keys and have all the knowledge of who you are and where you’ve been. I say the fall is the guilt you feel, rather than the email.

    This family, here at TB, is not like your parents. I doubt any of us will judge you, grab a stick, and tell you we’re disappointed, and beat you up. So, don’t do it for us in your mind. For instance, if I were to say “whatever you do, don’t email him” but your heart says to email him, goodness, do it! We’re Sapna cheerleaders, wishing you to find inner peace and your heartsong. It would be silly to think we know better than you the whispers of your love.

    So, how did emailing him feel? Have you been obsessively checking to see if he responds? Are you prepared for being ignored? Have you been nurturing to yourself? Has the inner critic been quiet since you emailed him? Are you OK?

    You don’t sound weak, you sound courageous. It takes bravery to lay your heart out like that, and I hope wherever it leads, you find more about Sapna and her bright light. Namaste, sis.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    September 2, 2013 at 8:06 am #41565
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    I am feeling mixed emotions. I sat in my balcony last night after the email was sent and told myself, out loud to be honest with myself. I told myself that I am the only person I can’t lie to. A part of me is wishing that he will respond and that we will be together again but another part of me says I need more time. I need time to heal and love myself. I just started being friends with myself. I just started taking myself out. I can’t go back looking at him as the source of my happiness. I meant every word I said to him.

    I have been checking my email a lot but I also listened to the guided metta meditation on YouTube. I also read a great blog on TB. I am also sorting out the clothes I want to donate tonight. I also ordered take the out curry last night, ate gelato and watched eat pray love. I feel weak Matt, physically and emotionally but your words resonate with me. I know this community of good, genuine people won’t judge. I was judging me. I made it a matter of pride to not contact him. I asked my friends to dislike him. More I walk on this path, the more I discover just how different I am. The easier path of healing..which is find another guy ..will still leave me broken and disconnected. This harder path has left me shattered on the floor but I know that when I pick my pieces and put myself together, I’ll be amazing.

    U know this urge of writing him came from me visiting my favorite museum and seeing art work from my favorite era, impressionism. All these things we fought about and cried about surface as I looked upon a painting. I couldn’t contain myself. I went to my therapist and told her how I felt…sobbing and she said there is no harm in contacting him as long you are prepared for the outcome. I am preparing myself for it cause what my ex feel and does is his business. I have womaned up and admitted my wrong doings.

    To sum it all up..I don’t know how I feel. I had to do this for myself. I didn’t want to look back on this experience like every other experience and blame him or her or them for the way I feel.

    September 2, 2013 at 8:58 am #41566
    Matt
    Participant

    Sapna,

    “I didn’t want to look back on this experience like every other experience and blame him or her or them for the way I feel.” Don’t blame Sapna either! Remember that you’ve had a bouncy trouncy journey, with all sorts of lessons on how to be. Its natural to be confused and ignorant. There is no need for blaming yourself, the baggage you carry, the confusing patterns, they belong to the whole world… the whole world helped teach them in you, so saying “I’m to blame for my problems” doesn’t make sense either. Blame can be dropped altogether, and we can have humility to move forward as carefully and lovingly as we can. That’s plenty, that’s enough.

    I’m really proud of you. You’re already amazing, picking up the pieces and putting them together will mean you are more joyous, with more inner peace… but your value and awesomeness has been there the whole time. It takes a lot of strength to heal as you are, and it makes sense to me that you would feel exhausted after going through such an experience. As we are tender with ourselves, patient, loving, slowly learning to open… our garden blooms. Its good to try to pull all the weeds, but remember to stop and smell and see the beauty. Sapna the beauty.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    September 2, 2013 at 1:59 pm #41570
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Just got an email from him and it was as dignified as I thought it would be. It’s makes me so sad that I messed it up. He didn’t and doesn’t blame me.
    Its painful but I know I have to push through. God I never thought I would have the strength I have.
    According to pia mellody’s book…the journey begins with immense amount of pain and I guess this what she means. I feel bad for sapna now. I feel like I did her a big disservice by not waking up earlier.
    Wish me luck Matt. I really appreciate your love and cheering.
    Thank you

    September 2, 2013 at 6:17 pm #41576
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    I keep stumbling. I kept emailing with him back and forth to just add on to my grief. Like i am addicted to the pain this is giving me. I kept asking him if he is with someone. I kept asking him if he ever thinks about how things will be if we were to meet again. I know I really don’t think that’s what I want but out of stubbornness of keeping this hold on him, I keep asking. He is being so cordial and diplomatic about things,. Dodging every question I ask him by simply saying…he is working on himself and that should be enough. I sound like a desperate chick again. Why do I keep doing this to myself? All the work I have been doing went down the drain this afternoon in two hours. All he had to do was contact me and I went blabbing on about how much I am changing and how good I am now…and than begging him.
    I feel like emailing again and telling him to not answer me. He doesn’t owe me anything. He doesn’t owe me a closure. This roll a coaster is awful. I want to get off of it. I know everyone goes through these things but my desperation is getting the best of me. Why am I making the person I love so uncomfortable? I know all the answers and yet here I am hating myself again. Its like I hate working on me so much that I rather be on the floor sobbing uncontrollably than move on. I feel like someone should just slap me to set me straight.

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