I’ve made a small handful of posts about my recent heartbreak in the past few weeks. Now I’ve come to share my latest predicament. Given the length and the seriousness of my previous relationship (we were together for 4 years with plans for marriage), I’ve come a long way in these last few months. The initial break up happened 4 months ago, but I decided to walk away from everything only 2 and half months ago. I’m writing to all of you glorious, tiny buddhas because I’m at the point in my grieving/healing process where I realize that I need to decide what the truth is, for myself. You see, the end of our 4 year long shit show of a relationship was so muddled and so crazy and so deceptive – that I have no idea what was real vs what was fake.

I know that I must accept that I’ll never really know “the truth” about anything that was ever said or that ever happened between me and this guy; but for my own peace of mind, I would like to at least arbitrarily establish some truths for myself – as they may universally apply to the who/what/where/when/why/hows of my fallen relationship and the nature of the break up. I think to make my own truths would help me accept the situation for what it is. I’m still a ways away from forgiving my former partner, and the prospect of forgiving myself feels even farther out of reach. But the fact that I don’t have any “truths” to live by, doesn’t feel right. Amid the emotional abuse, betrayal, and miscellaneous horrible deeds, I can’t help but wonder what I really meant to this horrible person – who broke up with me but then wanted me back, then cheated on me and then told me he wanted to marry me, and then told me I was a horrible monster but then also told me that he wanted me in his life no matter what, but decided to jump into a committed relationship with his other woman but also still immediately wanted my friendship (knowing that it wouldn’t ever be JUST friendship).

When I think about the repeated betrayals during and after our relationship, and the manipulations that he used to try and keep me around every time I so desperately wanted to flee, I feel it in a giant mass – all balled up in my throat. When I think about how he told me that my body wasn’t attractive enough and that this girl was cuter than me, but I was more beautiful than her – I feel such a tightness in my chest. All of these contradictions are just absolutely burning deep inside of me.

I don’t like this person, I don’t think he is kind in any way, and I think he must be really suffering inside. I tell myself that the only reason why he’s still on my mind is because I still have something to learn from this mess. But until I really learn that lesson, all I want to do is solve the puzzle. It took me a little while to even come to terms with the fact that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for so long. So I guess it’s not all that weird that I’m still mystified by all of the other pieces.

Was I ever even loved – at all – or was it one big fraud? Did I ever love him? Will he ever forgive me for having that abortion last year – the one that makes me a so called monster? Will I ever have a special place in his heart? Will he ever not “hate” me or think that I’m a terrible, disgusting, and selfish human being? Does he really have a mental illness personality disorder, like I suspect, or am I just saying that because it makes it easier for me to digest his behavior?

I’m just confused. He has said so many conflicting things to me, with so much sincerity. It’s hard to come to terms with something that you really have no idea what the actual truth is. I have no idea what I’m coming to terms with! I just know that the man I once felt like I loved dearly, was not who I thought he was.

***Please note, I am not still in contact with this man. He refused to leave me alone, even after I blocked his phone number, so I changed my phone number. Since then, he has contacted me through social media in an attempt to see me, and has stolen from me. I’ve ignored him in every way possible and have tried my absolute best to move on with my life.