Dear bamitscassidi:

You asked: to fully experience and enjoy the relationship as is or exit it?

My answer: you cannot fully enjoy the relationship at all times, but you can be more and more present in it. Part of you being present in it is recognizing (whenever it occurs to you) that you are afraid of getting hurt when he leaves to France. I don’t think you have the option of not thinking about the future of the relationship- to make part of your brain go blank.

When you are aware of your fear, pay attention to it, calm down, take a deep breath, maybe ask him for a hug if he is with you. Or call him, or someone else who is comforting.

You have the option of ending the relationship but if it is not an abusive relationship, and it isn’t from your share, and because no relationship is guaranteed and because (correct me if I am wrong)- it is possible that the two of you will meet again, after his departure and continue the relationship, then if I was you, I’d continue it but without trying to … forget what is impossible to forget: that he will be going back to France.

The hurt you experienced before, that you mentioned, is the hurt you are experiencing. Your current boyfriend didn’t leave yet, what you are afraid will happen already happened, so what you are afraid of really is to feel the pain you… already feel.

It is possible for you to work on the old hurt through this relationship. Communicate to him your feelings, your fear (in moderation, of course)- share with him, listen to his sharing with you, be his friend and let him be your friend.

anita

Dear bamitscassidy,

“My new relationship is very exciting and I REALLY like him.”
I do not think anybody in life does not desire for such a wonderful thing. To love and to be loved.

Speaking of the current situation and your question about looking for some thoughts and wisdom:

Many people know from their own experience how easily and quickly an intimate relationship can turn from a source of pleasure to a source of pain.

You will find on this site itself that there are different kinds of relationships and their different issues where the Forum and their posts say –
“Need an advice on break up”
“Feeling stuck in a relationship”
“my partner is an awesome person and deeply loves and cares for me. But I want to be single because I feel like I want more time to figure out myself as a person before settling down.
“Long relationship on the brink of an end”
“I’m giving everything in my relationship but not getting the same back”
“On the verge of getting divorced after 15+ years of marriage”

Even if one goes ahead in their relationship to their next level (affair-marriage-kids), there could be possibilities of a relationship turning sour later.
I know, in your situation you may not go to a next level as you are saying that you guys may part ways after his last year in the US. But the point to be said here is that even if this relationship continues by any chance (if you may go to France or he stays in the US or something else joins both of you again), it is not necessary that a relationship will work out till the end (as you see above from other people). It is not necessary that you may not go in pain or not get hurt in the future with this relationship.

These are not to get demotivated about but to have a deep awareness about the realities of life.

You may ask – “So then does it mean that I go ahead with this relationship because anyways there are chances that I may get hurt in future even if it is working fine now?”
Or – “does it mean that I do not go ahead and save myself from the pain and hurt that may come later?”
Read on to know more….

The moment any judgement or fear of the future (in your case) stops through the acceptance of “what is”, you are free of the mind. You have made room for love, joy, peace and bliss. A Love that is not dependent on this “other” person.

One may then either separate – in love.
In that case one may still feel the love due to the deep acceptance of the situation and also because it is now no longer dependent. The love that you may feel at that time is not necessarily directed towards this person, but just the feeling of Love itself.

Or, in another case, if the relation goes on further ahead then you may continue to express pure love.

In either case love is all there with you and there is no pain or fear (the pain/fear that you are worried about right now).

You mentioned you are “afraid of getting hurt (since its happened before) that part of me thinks ending it now will lessen the pain in the future”

Why not use this relationship as an opportunity to work on this aspect – to dissolve pain, hurt and suffering irrespective of the situation – so that you can be free irrelevant of whatever happens in your life be it a relationship (or work issues or anything else) once you gain an understanding that love is not something outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you and that it is not dependent on some other body or external form.

Your feeling of the fear of getting hurt is fine and can be helpful, but is not essential. What is essential is you being in the present – to consciously be in presence. That dissolves the past anxiety as well as the future worries.

Do not seek to understand the past or the future, but be as present as you can. The past or the future cannot survive in your presence. It can only survive in your absence.

Of course there is nothing wrong in planning for the future. It can well be that planning is the one thing you can do in your present moment. But there is a vast difference between planning the future and worrying about the future.

“Worrying is like creating a mental script of the outcome even before it has happened and then using that script to scare ourselves”

If this relationship was an abusive or a not so favourable one then there was something to be gotten rid of.

Why not use this relationship as a transformation for your fear of getting hurt?

You can do so by reading ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle.
Read it from the beginning but especially…
CHAPTER EIGHT: Enlightened Relationships
Love/Hate Relationships
From Addictive to Enlightened Relationships
Relationships as Spiritual Practice
Chapter TEN:
Surrender in Personal Relationships

What is making you think that it is not going to last? Why does it seem uncertain?
Attention is a major transformation factor and full attention also implies acceptance.
Full attention means not judging about the future as to what may or may not happen. But that does not mean being carefree about the future and get into unwanted things now. It means – giving up trying to understand and becoming comfortable with not knowing. It does not mean resignation – but acceptance without judgment.

Who else other than Eckhart Tolle can teach us to go into deep presence, who mentions –

“Accept – then act.
Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.”

Be noted, the wordings “present moment” does not apply only to the current situation of your relationship, but also to anything that may arise later (which will be your present moment at that time) which may or may not be favourable. Whatever it is – you will accept it as if you had chosen it. You will work with it and not against it.

It is you and only you who could make a decision about the relationship. Here is a great guideline from Eckhart Tolle that will be of help in whatever decision you take-

“Wherever you are, be there totally.
If you find “here and now” intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options:
i. remove yourself from the situation [VJ: see if you can/want to do this]
ii. change it [VJ: see if there is something you can do to bring about a change in your situation]
iii. accept it totally [VJ: what remains is the 3rd option]

If you want to take responsibility for your life, you must choose one of those three options, and you must choose now.
Then accept the consequences. No excuses. No negativity. No psychic pollution. Keep your inner space clear. Do not pollute your beautiful, radiant inner Being nor the Earth with negativity. Do not give unhappiness in any form whatsoever a dwelling place inside you.

If there is truly nothing that you can do to change your here and now, and you can’t remove yourself from the situation, then accept your here and now totally by dropping all inner resistance. The false, unhappy self that loves feeling miserable, resentful, or sorry for itself can then no longer survive. This is called surrender. Through surrender, you will be free internally of the situation.”

Take care,
VJ

• This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by VJ.