Dearest Saleena,

If I may interject….I just happened upon this after posting something myself and it truly called to me on a personal level. I know exactly what you are going through as I have been there before in three separate relationships in my life. I know it may be a long and tedious read, but I encourage you to do so in effort to see my true understanding of your situations.

First is the relationship between my parents and my by brother. All my life, my brother has been a “misfit” so to speak. An alcoholic and defiant in all ways. He has spent more than half of his life in prison. I, on the other hand, have always been loving and kind and always trying my best to help them. I was always the one to step up and help my parents out as much as I could on a financial level, despite struggling for many years myself. I had moved them into my home and many years had actually been the sole provider in the house. Yet, regardless of my devotion, my mother always coddled my brother. In her eyes, he can do no wrong. Each time he went to jail, it was always the fault of the legal system. At the age of 17, he actually held up a gas station with a gun and was sent to prison. My mother was fumed in that “it was only a stupid bb gun he used. He should not have to go to prison for that.” What little money my parents had, went to him even during his many years in prison. He has a body painted with prison tattoo’s that he surely did not pay for himself. I know deep down my father wasn’t so understanding of much of my mother’s behavior toward my brother, but guilt of past events forced him to remain silent and support my mother. Now, by far the worst thing this brother of mine had ever done…in 1995, we had gone to Florida for my sister-in-laws wedding. My inlaws paid for my parents to go as well, being that my mom had made all of the dresses which drew her and my mother-in-law into a very close friendship. Two days into our trip…the day after the wedding when we were all at Disney World, we received a call that both my home and the home of my inlaws had been broken into. Much was taken and destroyed. It took only moments for most of us on the trip to put two and two together to know who the culprit behind this was. My mother, however, went into defense mode and hated all of us. It was a very rough and hard trip back home. After returning home, my husband and brother-in-law found a number of missing items in garbage bags located in the dumpster of the apartment building where my parents and brother lived. Despite having evidence in hand, my mother looked and me and shouted for all to hear: “You are not my daughter. I don’t want anything to do with you.” Yes, my mother disowned me for the sake of defending her son who not only was obviously guilty of a crime, but guilty of a crime committed against his own sister…her daughter.

That was many years ago. I went 4 months without speaking to my father and 6 months before my mother contacted me. We never discussed the issue, however. Years later, as the same “coddling” continued with my brother, most of those years he was out of state either in prison or pursuing yet another tattered love interest. When he returned in early 2014 after we found out late the year before that my father had lung cancer, I was at a very low point financially and emotionally. I had to move into a very small one bedroom apartment with a friend and put everything I owned in storage which I later lost due to my inability to pay. When I moved in with her, I had a large lab whom I couldn’t bring with me. I asked my parents to care for him while I try to get back on my feet. I had actually gotten Orlando during a time my parents lived with me and they were just as much his caregivers for the first 5 years of his life. They did take him in, however, my brother, for some reason, struggled with having him there. I received a call one night from the local police department stating that a man was trying to give an “abandoned” dog up. This abandoned dog was Orlando and the man was my brother. Drunk. In contacting both of my parents…crying, begging, pleading to not force me to give up my baby….they simply said “Sorry, we just can’t take care of him.” I stopped speaking to my parents. Months later, December 17, my kids informed me my dad was in the hospital. They said he just had a small complication that he would be in only for a couple of days. Being Christmas was coming up and I had already made the decision to make amends, I had planned to go to the hospital the next day after work. Unfortunately, hours later, I received a call from my brother telling me that the hospital had requested all family come to the hospital. I live 40 minutes away. I got off the elevator to hear on the intercom “Code Red” I knew. We were informed that my dad’s heart stopped suddenly when he attempted to get up. They had been resuscitating him only long enough so that we could all be there to say our goodbyes. I was there for my fathers last breath.

Another example is that of my “ex” boyfriends mother whom I lived with for nearly two years. She hated me for reasons that not one single family member, friend or neighbor can understand. She just did. She was horrible to me when she was around and would talk so low about me to others when I was within earshot. I wasn’t the only one she was like this about, either. She was absolutely bitter, angry and hateful about every single person in her life…only, unlike me, it was behind their backs. To say it was a miserable situation is an understatement. And, like you….I just couldn’t understand how she seemed to always gets what she wants being such a horrible human being. Why does she get to enjoy things while I can’t though my heart is so obviously bigger than hers. She has since kicked me out of the home and my boyfriends lack of standing up for me forced a break up. It’s been 9 months and while I admit I still shed tears at losing him, I see things in such a different perspective.

My point in all of these words is to truly express just how well I know your pain in dealing with a seemingly uncaring, disrespectful, spiteful sibling. I have every reason to harbor bitterness, too. But….I don’t. It was in losing my father that night that I realized one never knows when it will be too late. I still am disgusted at times not only by my brothers past behavior but also his continuing actions. He lives with my mother who is on SS and he has no job to offer any kind of assistance to her. In a drunken rage one night, he created chaos with my son and his girlfriend who was pregnant which later carried on to another son. Police were called and my kids were forced to move out immediately. Once again, my mother blamed her own grandchildren over her drunken violent son. One thing I have taught my kids, however, is to never hold a grudge. Not necessarily for the sake of the ones that hurt us, but for our own self love. It harms us more thinking of all the negative one brings. The pits in the stomach, the anger that leads to tension and headaches. I was once like that. I once harbored ill-will against others. All it does is drag you down and darkens your own soul.
I’m not saying you should embrace your sister as I have my mother and brother. I’m not saying you should give her a call and become her best friend. But before you proclaim a loss of love for her because you are uncomfortable loving her….search within yourself to discover if that is truly what it is, or if it just the work of darkness convincing you to “not love.”

Try to see beneath your sisters behavior. I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel that it’s not right that someone so negative should reap benefits of law of attraction. Just as I said I felt about my ex’s mother. However, one thing I have learned in all of this…though it has taken a very long time…who are we to say that they actually DO have all that they desire? One thing I know about this mother I’ve encountered, she desires a more loving relationship with her husband. However, I know he is what many call “emotionally detached.” He has no understanding of showing affection or love. He provides financially and sits quietly as she behaves the way she does. That is it. So, she too, is suffering from a lack of her own desire. What I see in your sister is that same “void.” Her words and actions toward you and around you may indicate feelings of superiority, but in reality I am certain deep down she feels “inferior” to you. She wants what YOU have. She wants to be like YOU. That is why she conforms to all the things you do. In regards to spirituality, however…perhaps her initial reason for beginning her journey was tainted with selfishness, but it is a “journey” nonetheless. Spirituality is not like a pair of jeans or candles. Spirituality is an individuality. It is not one “thing” that is shared with multiple people. No one should ever mock or disregard any persons reasons for searching for enlightenment. In the end…if she continues on this path with any selfish intent, she will truly gain nothing. However, if you continue to allow anger to surface because of that which she chooses, you will gain even more negativity. I know. I’ve done this same thing to myself so very many times.

Please….please….don’t allow your higher self; your inner spirit to fall because of these deep seeded negative emotions. Don’t allow yourself to be convinced that by ridding yourself of “love” for your sister that you will feel much better about yourself. It may offer some relief at the moment, but in the long run, you will do more damage to your own soul! Trust me!

Before I go, I want to state a quote I had read not that long ago from the Dalai Lama. Words that truly hit home for me and helped me to better understand what it means to truly feel peace within myself even amidst the most hateful and bitter of people:

“If there is love, there is hope that one may have real families, real brotherhood, real equanimity, real peace. If the love within your mind is lost and you see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education or material comfort you have, only suffering and confusion will ensue”

Namaste’

Dear Saleena:

In your above post you wrote: “for a reason I can’t understand, I find it so hard to let go of the negative feelings I have towards my sister.”

I believe that your anger at your sister is a positive feeling, not a negative feeling. The reason I believe so is that you are currently living with her and at times she is abusive to you. It is important for your well being to not be abused. The positive usefulness of your anger is to motivate you to remove abuse from your current life. Anger is natural to feel. Animals do, and we as animals feel it as well. We can’t help it. It doesn’t mean we should express it in violent ways or hold on to it once we are not in an abusive situation, but for as long as you are being abused, it is natural and reasonable to feel it.

And then figure out a way or ways to remove the abuse from your life.

Please do post again.

anita