Dear Lillian:

You are afraid that as a result of a breakup your athletic performance will suffer, you are afraid of being alone, of feeling awkward in the social circles you share, and of seeing him maybe with a new girlfriend (“knowing what he is up to in his life”).

Notice that currently you are in a relationship with him and you are already scared of the things that didn’t happen yet. You are already afraid.

Fear is a powerful emotion and sometimes during each and every day, every human on the face of the earth is afraid. We all have to live with fear. Lessen it, manage it, regulate it, yes- but we have no way to eliminate fear from our lives, no way to decide: from now on, I will not be afraid! – and make it happen.

Here are my suggestions:

1. Consider talking to your coach about the situation, now or later (if there is a breakup). He/ she may be very helpful to you!

2. Talk with your boyfriend about staying (“expectations and needs in the relationship” and more) and about leaving, the two options you are looking at (“To Stay or To Leave”)- talk with him and make a plan about how to manage a breakup if it happens, how to deal with the social circles you share, the coach (see #1), future boyfriends/ girlfriends, and so on.

You are already afraid of a breakup, share that fear with him and plan a course of action regarding both options. Fear lessens when we have a plan.

Regarding your fear of being alone, plan for that too, if a breakup happens, plans who you will talk with and spend time with.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Lillian:

“I have so focused on my fears, I have not even been able to think rationally about the entire situation”- this is key with dealing with fear: don’t try to think while experiencing significant fear. Find a way to lower the fear (ex: a walk outside, a hot bath, hot tea, a relaxing yoga routine, guided meditation), and think later when you are calm. We can’t think rationally while under the influence of fear.

Also, we all need help, to not be alone for too long with what troubles us, seek support and help of supportive and capable individuals.

Before you talk to your boyfriend, you can prepare: type what you will be saying/asking. When you talk to him, if you are not clear about what he is communicating to you, ask clarifying questions, like: I didn’t understand what you meant by saying (this or that). If you get confused or space out during the conversation (a result of stress), take a break, tell him you lost focus and let’s talk later. You are welcome to post here your account of any part of a conversation with him for my input.

I am glad you appreciate the replies of other members and myself. Like I wrote to you before, fear is a powerful emotion, and you will fear again, as would I, and everyone else. So post again, anytime you would like.

* I will soon be away from the computer and back in about 14 hours from now.

anita

Dear Lillian:

You are welcome. March 12-13, you wrote: “I have been feeling so lost lately because I am not sure whether or not we have hit a dead end… Is there a point when you know it’s  over?.. a true and honest conversation can help us determine where we are as a couple.. I wouldn’t want to leave him hanging“.

March 28, you shared: “I did ask my boyfriend to speak.. but he said he didn’t want to have anymore ‘philosophical conversations’… I suggested we just talk to clarify things between us are over. He replied saying I was too dramatic and he didn’t want to talk anymore and that we should just leave it… Based on this comment, it is same to assume we are no longer together”.

My input: reads to me that he is doing to you what you wrote that you don’t want to do to him (“I wouldn’t want to leave him hanging”). I think that what is likely to happen is that he will be distant a lot of the time and from time to time he will get closer to you, as in resuming a romantic/ physical relationship, then get distant again and repeat.

This being-left-hanging dynmaic is unhealthy for you, a recipe for increased anxiety.

If you don’t want to be left hanging, tell him clearly and in no uncertain terms: our romantic and sexual relationship is over. From now on we are professional associates and friends. You may date other women and I am free to date other men.

If you don’t offer clarity, you will have none. You will be like .. the young girl that I was, picking a flower and removing a petal after petal saying “he loves me-he loves me not”, you know that practice? If you say last “he loves me not”, you then pick up another flower and do the same thing again.

anita

Dear Lillian:

I think it is a good choice on your part, “to clarify and say the final words”. I hope life gets easier for you and post again anytime you’d like my input.

(I will be away from the computer and back in about 36 hours from now).

anita