Marquita,

I’m sorry for the suffering you’re experiencing, and am really impressed by how much mindfulness you have of your emotional states and needs. Sometimes we feel like we have something to prove, as though in order to be loved or whole, we have to do certain things. Care for him, work up a sexual appetite or courage, fix our issues faster, attend his needs better… on and on. Its no wonder we become exhausted! Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy and contentment. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that there are perhaps two layers happening together. One is the basic need. The need to be safe, the need to be loved, the need to be rested, the need to feel whole. We all have those needs, and sometimes it can be difficult to determine which one is being under-nourished. The second layer is the shame for having those needs. As though there is something broken or lost that makes your needs unreasonable. There is really no need for that second layer, its just leftover baggage from the abuse and resulting fallout.

For instance, you have a sex drive that you consider low. What does that even mean really? Our bodies respond to each other when certain conditions are met. If you feel safe, connected, and interested (such as during the honeymoon phase) then your body responds. As time passes, something shifts and your body responds. It isn’t “well that shift shouldn’t happen”… that’s the shame. Instead “the shift did happen, now what is there? Do I feel safe? Do I feel tended? Do I feel open?” When we begin to worry that the shift made us somehow unlovable, then we ignore it, try to hide it by faking or creating what we think is “normal”. How exhausting!

Instead, we can just accept that we are loving beings who are deserving of love in return. We have some tangles leftover from our past that make certain paths a little extra tricky, but that’s nothing to be ashamed of… we all have those in different areas. So, we can just explore the path we’re on. For instance, if your boyfriend isn’t initiating sex, have you asked him why? If he hasn’t learned how to make your body sing, has he tried to learn? Have you tried to show him what you like?

For instance, say that getting your ears kissed and licked turns you on sexually. If he doesn’t know that, and you’re not getting turned on… but you want to be a “good sexual partner”, then perhaps you might try to pretend to be into it, trying to force yourself to be “sexually open” with mental force, rather than letting it blossom from your body into your mind. This leads to the kind of exhaustion you’re describing. Much like we can’t force a bud to bloom… if we try we just end up scattering petals into the wind. Instead, we let it get light and rain, and with time it blooms on its own.

While this has remained on the pulse of sexuality, it is applicable to all of our needs. If we’re scared to express our desires and needs for fear that they will judge us as abnormal, then we don’t even give them a chance to tend us proper. If you have tried to express those to him, and he ignores them or does judge them, perhaps its time to move on. Your needs are real, and you deserve nourishment.

As for him and his needs… from your description it seems like a one way street. You give but dont receive. Is that right? Does he care for you as you care for him? On one hand, if you’re not giving him the opprotunity to care for you by hiding all of your needs because of the shame, perhaps its time to dive in and ask him for some tender attention. Ask him to rub your shoulders, brush your hair, sing to you… something that you find sparkly and rich with contentment. If you have tried and he resists, then maybe its time to have a talk with him about the how relationships have to have mutual sharing of attention in order to survive. Yes, I know that it is scary, but that is what courage is for… it lets us do what our heart calls us to do even when we’re afraid. Consider that not only are you deserving of deep and loving attention, but it will help both of you find a lasting song to sing together.

Namaste, sister, may you find your roots and joy.

With warmth,
Matt