I am writing to find some wisdom on events that have transpired in my life in the past few years. I will say that I am certain that I am suffering from depression and PTSD and have codependency issues as a result of the amount of alcohol I and my family were exposed to in the past. In the past few years I have had a series of events that have led me down a dark path and dark times. First, I lived with my ex gf under her father in a duplex. I was never sure we were right for each other, but I wanted to progress the relationship and was uncomfortable with the proximity to her father. I asked her to move out with me to a downtown area that was more thriving for work and our social life. She refused at the time and strung me along only to decide to move to SD without me eventually. During this time, which also negatively effected our relationship, my alcoholic brother verbally abused me on the phone (we have always had a complicated relationship but I do love him; he has resented me for making him feel invisible and has self esteem issues). He told me he “wished I was dead, our parents hated me, I was trash, etc.” Needless to say this very painful for me to hear this from my brother and caused me a lot of sleepless nights and self esteem problems of my own. As months progressed I really drew a hard line with my parents and family about boundaries and how dysfunctional things were. My mother’s health both mentally and physically were going downhill. Once my ex gf decided to move to SD I made a decision to stay with my parents for a month or two and make a last ditch effort to rectify things. I decided to renovate their home, clear it out of clutter, help them with their diets and lifestyle, etc. While I was there my mother broke her leg and went into the hospital. Her health went downhill from there and she eventually passed away. It was a suffering experience that is hard for me to digest. Before she passed I learned a dark secret about my father that he gambled with the mob and they had to use my mom’s retirement money to pay them off. They threatened to kill me, mom, my brother, and burn our house down. Needless to say this hurt me deeply and very much changed the way I viewed my father, especially because it was him who I also had resentment towards for exposing our family to so much alcohol. When my mother was in the ICU and hospital my brother did not go see her one time citing that he had triggers and that he had quit drinking. He really gave me little help in general thought everything. After all of this my ex gf and I reconnected and she wanted to see if we could make it work in SD, so in a low place in my life I was just reaching for any love and agreed. I asked her to only pursue this if she was not dating other men and we were really going to try. She agreed and promised, so I went to stay with her for a couple weeks only to find she was lying about another guy she had been dating and they were in contact. Then, in short, her and i went back and forth for a long period of time in a dysfunctional cycle of guilt and trying to make it work. We tried to save each other in a victim and hero relationship and it never worked and got worse. So, this might have been a lot, but I have come to a place in life where I am dealing with a lot of resentment, anger at people and god and myself. I feel betrayed by the people closest to me and am depressed and angry they put me here. I can’t let go of the past and have developed a lack of trust for all people which is destroying my life on every level. How do I move past this? How do i stop letting every little thing trigger me back to a terrible place inside? How do I become myself again and be vulnerable and love? I stayed with my father after my mother’s death because he was suicidal and I could not leave him like that. I love my brother’s nephew and want to be a part of his life, but being exposed to my brother and dad brings up such resentment and reminders of my mother’s painful death and their actions. Trying to move forward with a career and relationships is not even possible because I can’t trust people at all and am just bitter and cynical about everything and everyone. How do I let this all go and move forward? It was too much in that period of time to deal with. And help and wisdom is much appreciated.