Hayley,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how hopeless things can appear at times. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy. Consider grace only happens when we are open enough to receive it. I hear how concrete all your dreams are, how sure you are of who you are and what you want, and wonder if there is any room in the cup. Said differently, our dreams grow alongside us, adapting to the situations we’re in. Fulfillment doesn’t come from specific events happening, but from our acceptance and willingness to dance with what we have. This is when we can allow our dream to grow around us, rather than seeing consistent proof that our dreams aren’t possible.

This becomes a game of patience and gentle tending, as we learn to let go of our old dreams, in favor of growing a new dream. The parts of the old dream that are still important to us, we look to satisfy in a different way, look at the need inside us, and patiently let it grow. Said differently, if old plans fell through, its time to come up with a new plan. That other plan can’t happen, so you say, so why torture yourself by clinging to it? You really think there’s only one single space for you? Only one destination that brings you joy? It’s actually sort of true, but the destination is internal, the “oh, only in Hawaii would my heart find contentment” or “with this kind of job/man/portfolio I would be happy” is garbage, untrue. Joy is something we carry with us.

That being said, the feeling of dissatisfaction here and now is powerful, a mountain. That’s actually awesome. Consider that you have a huge backpack of stones, a mountain of debt and conditions that keep you feeling crushed. Why is that awesome? Because you’re very strong to be carrying such a load. Consider that for every big, compressed nugget you communicated, you did so with power and alertness. “Look, these pieces” pulling no punches, hiding very little of your stink. So right now, all that strength is being put to use carrying the backpack, the mountain. As you learn to settle the stones and be done with them, all that strength is reclaimed, like taking off the training weights from your ankles.

Now, the tough part. Why did the dreams crumble? Usually fear comes up, and moves us toward selfishness. Said differently, the more selfish the dream, the less likely it will come true. Nature doesn’t move toward islands, rather it moves toward harmony. So, if we want our dreams to come true, our best bet is to try to find a path of mutually meeting desires. Good for them, good for us. I say this with no judgment for you, dear sister, such dreams happen to all of us before we find our co-creative one.

Coming from a different angle, consider that when we go through a difficult time, our light dims. Where we once believed in ourself, felt like dancing, and danced, now we feel lost, broken, aimless. What once seemed like a puzzle now appears an endless maze. Before we try to sort out the pieces, we do better to rekindle the light and clear a little space. This is done through self nurturing. Consider spending time alone, in a quiet space, and let your body unwind. You have far more strength than you believe, I can see it clearly in just how much you carry. Yes, it’s heavy, but dear daughter, as you settle those stones, one by one, all that passion turns back into light, strength applied to your momentum instead of carrying the load.

And don’t worry, finding “warmth” and “space” to unpack those stones isn’t something you have to do alone. The journey to wellness often blossoms with many teachers, hands reaching back. It’s OK to need help, and you’re strong enough to ask for help, which means you practically win already. Plus, your resonance with service to others… such a naturally loving woman has a heart that is easy to rekindle. The best way I know of for this is metta meditation.

Consider that when we spend time staring at our baggage, we get sucked into it, ruminate, spin. This uses up our precious strength, and closes the space. When we spend time cultivating happiness, we open up that space, and the mind becomes smooth and peaceful. Then, those “dark, miserable hinderances” burst with the information we need to settle them. Said differently, when we get in the good habit of wishing for the happiness for ourselves and others, we rekindle that inner light, and become buoyant, resilient, adaptive. We hold the dream alive inside us, rather than despair it’s not around us. This gives us a freshness that lets curiosity meet our challenges with calm innovation. “Hmm, hehe, ok, so what’s here getting in the way” rather than “Sigh, more proof that life is a shithole of misery.” Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested. It’s about the best thing a person can do for themselves, as it provides a stable foundation for everything else. As one teacher put it “If million people practiced metta, there would be a million peaceful people, happy people, people with concentration.

Finally, I know how difficult it can be to be patient with our pain and darkness. We feel so alone, helpless, weak. You’re not alone in that space, dear sister. The lucky ones go through the dark night in one way or another, meet crisis. The light is just a few steps ahead, and with all that strength… you’ll have to let go of the old dreams for ones far more beautiful, as you discover just how bright a star you really are. Said differently, consider how much pain you experience from your mind and environment bashing into your tender heart. That’s your strength, turned in the wrong direction. As you self nurture some more (30 minutes of metta practice a day even for a week) that strength turns in a better direction, and will help you grow a new dream. With luck, of course!

Namaste, dear sister, the Buddha in me to the Buddha in you.

With warmth,
Matt

Hayley,

I do not mean to assume but it seems you have heavily envisioned your future to be exactly the way you’ve portrayed it in your mind. Without understanding, and especially accepting, that this kind of (full) control is illusory it will indeed instill (some and more of) the consequences you are now suffering. In addition, when we do not have that comprehension, the stress and frustration can feel augmented, inducing an even greater pain upon us.

The Buddhist teachings of ‘The Middle Way’ may be of the greatest help to you. In your reply to the Ever-So-Wonderful-Matt, you mention dealing with life and death on a constant basis. The Middle Way will help you come to peace with what cannot, in your heart, transpire. This includes the relationship you are in and also your work. Also, adopting positive and understanding perspectives may also help. For example, feeling gratefulness that the man you are with is kind enough not to want to kick you out nor remove you from his phone plan despite your relationship returning to its negative train. That he, like you, may not be happy with his life in his own way and may be suffering the exact same way you are. That he, too, does not have all the answers and is unsure how to deal them and resorts to what he thinks is best. That while your job needs you to act a way you disagree with, that at least the animals are receiving some treatment instead of none. That while these animals you treat come in sick or are found mistreated, that they have now come into care of a beautiful individual who will ease their suffering (considering even euthanizing).

Also, Taoism (which shares many views with Buddhism) may help you find a ‘balance’. Understanding that everything must have opposites in order to have harmony may also help you deal with all of the aspects in your life. Where there is life there must also be death, where there is happiness there must also be sorrow, where there is despair there is also hope, where there is a left there is a right, a night and day, a hell and heaven, a Yin and Yang, a good and evil, an order and chaos, God and Lucifer, black and white, matter and antimatter, birth and destruction. And, in terms of what we’re made of, atoms, you can find the proton (positive) and electron (negative). In the middle you will find the neutron (neutral). Protons may only exist if the same of electrons exists. Also, only when there is harmony between the two may the neutron exist. In your life, too, must you find balance; to weigh all the good you know and you’ve experienced against their counterparts and do your best to live in the harmony in-between.

So please, be at some ease. We may not have the life we exactly desire however this does not mean that we should be miserable because of it. Our happiness does not consist and depend entirely on what we know but also on new and different exposures. You can still create a life satisfiable to you, you must simply see the beauty in everything.

Namaste,

Al