My partner and I dated for over 3 years. He is military and I fully accepted all that came with it. After a year and a half we decided that going to officer school would be beneficial for his career and despite the fact that it would be in a different city and we would not be able to live together again until his 3rd year, we decided to remain together. I got permission from my job to go full time remote, and we planned that I would move by the start of his 3rd year when we would be able to live together again. Things went great. We felt connected despite the distance. He made the journey home every weekend without fail just to come home and spend time with me.

Our relationship was so easy, gentle, loving. I felt supported and secure and in return, made home homely for him. When we argued we resolved things on the spot and did not find ourselves having the same fight over and over again. We communicated well and were usually on the same page. We were both very attracted to each other, plenty of compliments, good sex life.

By January this year, we had already planned and booked all our holidays for this year.

The week before it happened, we were eating breakfast when suddenly, without any prompting he told me how loved he feels in this relationship, how he feels an emotional connection with me he’d never felt with anyone before and asked if I want to get married to him after he finishes school. I said yes, because we are aligned and compatible not just deeply in love and I can see us being partners for the long haul.

A week later, I get a text saying that we need to talk once he is back in town. I knew immediately that something was off and pushed to know what. He said he didn’t want to do it like this but he can’t call me. I pushed to know what it is again. He finally wrote that “he needs to move out of our home and get out of my life and that it’s really hard for him and that I have no idea how sorry he feels”.

I knew that his security check was coming up (where he serves they have to pass some kind of a security interrogation in their 2nd year) and we both expected he would have awkward questions due to me being a different nationality, but neither of us knew it could pose a serious issue. This text apparently, was the result of the security check that had not gone well.

I was left shell shocked but I only told him I am totally broken by this, that I love him no matter what and ended the conversation.

I packed his things and waited for him to return. After he moved all his things to his parents place, he came back to talk. He read the letter I’d written to him in which I described our happiest moments together. He was deeply moved by it. He would not tell me much more about what happened. He just said he was “persuaded it is for the best and that if they will make our lives more and more difficult he would prefer that I am with someone who doesn’t have the curse of the military on them”. When I asked to know more, he said he is too angry to even think about it.

I calmly told him that it’s unfair to blame this on external factors and that I want him to at least look me in the face and tell me that it is his decision because he is not a slave and no one can force him to do anything. He got irritated and refused to do it.

Nobody said a bad word. He thanked me for all my kindness and support. He said I am a good girl, that he loves and respects me, that he wants what’s best for me, that he wants to have good contact with me even if we are no longer together.

I said I am devastated by the loss but I will get back on my feet soon and that I wish him only the best.

He stayed the night and we clung to each other like we were about to drown. In the morning, we showered and ate together then spent the rest of the day talking about happy memories and holding each other. He left the way he did every weekend, hugging me and kissing my forehead.

I was crushed but I immediately began the recovery process.

I analyzed what I could improve about myself – the last 6 months have been difficult for me because of a serious injury (I am an athlete) that left me feeling depressed, unable to train properly and pushing everyone away. My busy schedule and weekends reserved for time with my partner had further isolated me and left me with no time for extra hobbies, so I reconnected with my friends, went back to my old hobbies, explored some new things. I began to learn new skills so that I can upgrade in my job and started to work through some self-help books to work through the trauma of losing my partner in this way. I rehabbed my injury fully and began to enjoy my training again. I bought some new clothes, visited some beauty saloons to give myself an extra confidence boost. I started talking to guys on online dating apps, I’ve been on two dates with a nice guy that I could see myself becoming friends with but not more. There would be more dates had corona quarantine not happened.

I did not beg or plead, did not contact him in any way. Each week, without fail, he would send me links to videos we used to watch together. I did not reply.

He would reach out with an occasional hey, how are you but I ignored him because I needed to get my head back on right. About a month after we broke up he texted to say he passed his exams and attached a photo of his grades and I wrote back to say I am glad he is doing well.

He continued sending videos and I continued not reacting to it.

Then the corona crisis happened. He contacted me to know whether I am safe, whether I am working from home. I replied, telling him I am. He wanted to know what I am doing – I briefly told him I am back to training. One night, before all the big changes happened in Europe he suddenly wrote to say that there will be a big mess soon and that he is being mobilized to help out and that I need to take care of myself. We talked briefly and I told him to stay safe. He said he wants to see me when this is over. I was able to travel to the country my parents live in and stay with them for the duration of the epidemic before the borders were closed.

He texted again last week and when I said I am doing well he started to push me for answers. He wanted to know if I will come back when I can, asked about my health, after my family and friends, my training, my diet, etc. I answered, I was polite and aloof but I did not ask him a single question about himself. He told me where he was is and sent a photo of himself in uniform with a mask on. I ended the conversation abruptly to tell him I need to get back to my studies but told him to stay safe. He wrote back saying it would be nice to hear from me from time to time and to take care of myself.

This is where we stand as of today and I would like some advice.

I know that I have a lot to offer and that I will definitely love again no matter what.

But I want him back because I believe we are compatible, love each other deeply and can push each other to develop even more. I can see our partnership growing even stronger and I want to see and help him evolve into the powerful man I know he will be. I want his valuable advice and drive pushing me to better myself, as well as the feeling of safety and support I get from him.

I know I will be just fine without him…yet I want to fight for us. I feel that he got freaked out by something and rushed into a decision because he is known for thinking on the spot and making rash decisions. I am saying this because I am pretty sure that no one in the army can dictate to him who he can or can’t date – there are no rules against dating foreigners. I am not saying that he made the story up just to break up with me, but I think the decision was 100% his and there must have been a reason that pushed him into it.  I suspect he had way too much on his plate and when told that issues may arise due to his relationship with me, he took the fastest way out…but I don’t understand why he didn’t even try to discuss it with me.

It would be a pity to let a person like him slip away from me. At the same time, I definitely don’t want to land in the friendzone and give him the benefits of an intimate relationship without him needing to commit to one.

If I was your friend and I came to you with this story, what advice could you give me? Should I keep talking to him, meet him once this crisis is over and see where we’re at?