Dear Anita

Sorry for some reasons I didn’t get the email notifications so I missed your replies.

Thank you so much for your response. It is always nice to have someone like you who really gets me.

To answer your questions, it is surprising to see the description of a meerkat on Wikipedia, it actually gives me some insights as to how my childhood experiences have shaped my beliefs as you said.

Yes I’m highly sociable, however when I feel that I’m not being accepted I tend to react strongly and completely withdraw from the social circle, even if I have to sit there I feel that I’m dead inside and everyone is dead in my eyes. It is not that I’m antisocial, I look serious as well do it doesn’t help. But I only shine brightly if I feel that I am surrounded by the right people, and even to strangers I’m a superstar, within a short time I already have returning customers asking me for recommendations and I close a lot of good sales even though I’m not at the tills most of the time (I am busy doing the things that nobody wants to do like working on the displays and sorting stock in the back. But when I’m back to the shop floor I can immediately close many sales so I end up selling the same amount as others, I work hard and I feel good about myself when I get things done).

You’re absolutely correct in saying that I do not have anywhere to retreat to, I do not feel that family is a safe place for me and I would rather not mention about that.

Sorry I talk a lot about work, it is important to me, and I really want to stay in my current role even if I move to a different organ. I see myself being a manager, not now. But I’m a natural leader, even though I might not be the most outspoken (I let the manager take the credit as she is the leader. But I am kind of like the person that most people would listen to and I have established myself as someone that is reliable, driven and friendly (although it is contingent on whether I get along well with that person).

I haven’t checked the other thread that I started, I might have missed the emails as well. But here is an update: I have been able to start a new page with Bear as I believe that we still have to work together, and it seems that there is no mentioning of what happened so I suppose it is squashed now. I am happy to have built some trust with the team.

However I was pretty flat out after work today. It has got to do with me being sick so I had a couple more coffees than what I would normally have and also I’ll have my period in the next few days.

But I really couldn’t keep it to myself and I was really having issues with Giraffe. So the manager is having a day off and she told me exactly what to do today, I am working full time so I have all the latest information as to what we’ve been doing.

Giraffe wasn’t even here when the discussions took place and I would like to introduce a new character, Lion, who is casual. And they did the exact opposite of what the manager told me to tell them to do (I don’t want to take the blame as I was told to pass on the message). They’re not even here all the time.

They’re like. Because they’ve worked here for a longer time then they have more experience. I tried to bite my tongue. It is not a competition of who has been here longer. The fact is the manager said this is what is going to happen and they did not follow the directives, and I do not want to take the blame in case anything goes wrong. I prefer we have discussions if we need to, but we take directions from each other instead of Giraffe being the one steering the wheel when she wasn’t even there when the discussions had already been had. What really set me off was how she was on my radar as one of the people who stole from the shop as well, and she said we should all take part in the cash up together which I strongly rejected as I do not want to get involved in that sh**, given what has already happened that Giraffe tends to go against me (at least this is what I feel) and the manager instructed me to do the cash ups independently as well as she has seen how accurate and efficient I am (I performed the whole thing under CCTV so there is evidence as well) so I wouldn’t take the fall if it is a collective effort to steal from the shop.

I know I shouldn’t have said “Jeez, oh whatever, do whatever you want mate, that’s not even what the manager said, things have changed now there is a new rule and you don’t even know” then walked away. But then Giraffe acting like she is in charge and not even being aware of all the things that were going on shows me that she is both incompetent and irresponsible, when both things go together that is the formula for me to hate someone and I can be overdramatic. But to me she is dead.

I will suck it up, I know she is not something that I need to worry about, as she is still studying (once she is done then she will move on), and my goal is to work in sales over the long term so eventually I will take over, as I am one of the few people that can commit to the job full time which is stressful (for me not really, but I can’t deal with people that I absolutely hate).

It is a big rant. But I hope you’re good. Don’t even know what to say now, I love talking to people. But I will take some rest tomorrow and I have a side gig on Monday before I head back to work to see Giraffe on the next day.

P.S. To me an “overchiever” is someone who tends to exceed societal expectations, for example, doing well in studies, and me smashing the sales targets (I am only at the tills about 1.5 hours a day, there are staff being there the whole time about 8+ hours a day, and I end up making even more sales than them, for example, roughly the same or even double the amount, depending on how far I push myself as I volunteer to take up other responsibilities as well, I want to make contributions to the team, and I truly value teamwork where everyone is on the same page and can discuss things). However I constantly feel that I am “underachieving” as I have my own goals that I would like to pursue, e.g. being happy with my job as a sales associate, I want the same validation that I would get if I decided to be a doctor instead, which I don’t (how come no one thinks that I should be in sales? Only because I can make more money elsewhere? To me happiness is priceless).

I have to intentionally not to mention anything about my past when I am at work, I only say that I’ve done different things, and stick to my “story” (i.e. I have studied XX, I have done this job XX in the past), which is true, but I leave out a lot of significant things that would catch others’ attention that can be used against me (because they’re jealous, given that I pick up things super quickly and I already look like a “threat”).

I feel that I have achieved something when I talk to people and close the sales. I am driven by targets. I can estimate what the operational costs are so I know how much we need to make to reach the break even point (regardless of what we have been told about the sales targets). So not only am I good at sales (and merchandising as well, I have an artistic flair) I have a good commercial acumen too, so I know what the strategies are if we have to do something that benefit the organisation financially, and I am crazy when it comes to driving sales. I exceed my personal target by about 3 times on an average day, and I spend significantly less time than others on sales due to other responsibilities.

Though it is not the same, for me, achievement is related to recognition that I get from my significant others. If my partner does not recognise what I do, for example, he is an optimistic person and he does not see why I need to “complain” about everything (it is a release for me), so when I do not get recognition from him for what I do (including work) then I feel that I have “underachieved” socially although I am working towards achieving my personal goals.

Sorry for the long post!

Dear Anita

Thanks for your comments.

Regarding the last point: No you haven’t understood me correctly. Or I haven’t explained it clearly enough for you to understand. What I mean is not the get excessive praise from others, but I want others to recognise and acknowledge the fact that I am content with my position in sales, I do not need to go higher up to become a doctor, accountant, or teacher etc. I need this validation as I have always been told that I should have done something better. Because my goal is not to go further up to sit in the office, say for example, to become the retail operations manager or finance manager, then I don’t want people to misund stand that that is my goal given that I’m performing well. I feel underachieved, because I have not found others that share the same values with me, who also think that it is indeed a good idea to be sales compared to medicine, I have realized that it is a cycle of negative thoughts and I need to break this cycle as well. I do not need to be praised, I know what I have achieved and I am content with what I have done, however I don’t want my achievements to be used against me due to jealousy. To me “recognition” and “achievement” are related to my ultimate goal, which is to find happiness, and as selfish as it might be, I hope to find others who also recognize the fact that money is not the most important thing and it is indeed possible to do something “less worthy of money” and be happy with where we are (and not be jealous of anyone, I rarely feel jealous, but a lot of people are jealous and that leads to bitterness). I hope you get what I mean as I am aware that the same words might mean different things to different people.

I guess for me, teamwork also means that we communicate and are able to work towards a common goal (or objective). Since Giraffe and I are equal in terms of our ranks then it makes sense for us to take directions from each other instead of that drama caused by them not following the manager’s instructions that would reflect poorly on me as I am only responsible for passing on the message and not doing the work for them. Again it could be something to do with my childhood experiences, but I do not want to take the fall for something that I haven’t done. I absolutely hate the fact that we have been unable to work well together. To me, teamwork is a collective effort and if someone is unable to understand that, and instead use excuses to put me down, then it is not my problem, I do not feel that I have misunderstood the word “teamwork”. I like to discuss things and I basically get along with most people at work. I simply cannot tolerate the fact that someone is blaming me, it could be due to their incompetence or them not taking responsibility for their actions. It does not mean that I have not taken the actions to examine what I have done as well, I learn from my mistakes and do better everyday. I do not like the fact that people use it as an excuse as I do value teamwork.

Also I am really sensitive to others emotions and I can easily see through their facade so I can quite easily sense that there is a problem somewhere before everyone does.

So I am also more prone to crashing as you said.

Because I already know if things are going to work in my favour, and I see how things could potentially be done better (I bring my visions to life, I go an extra mile to make things happen that drive sales that is increasing the overall team performance in addition to fulfilling all of the basic duties, for example, I work with the volunteers at the charity organization and I am able to coordinate with them to redo the merchandise for almost a quarter of the shop floor, and as a result of that, the sales for that particular area have improved dramatically. It was hours and hours of hard work). But I also see who is not happy with that.