what should i do with this relationship?

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This topic has 40 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

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July 23, 2016 at 6:14 am #110319

Hang Do
Participant

i knew him, an American guy through a dating site about 1 week ago. He traveled to Vietnam and suggested to meet up. we had so beautiful days together. I was so happy and we also like each other. he left Vietnam yesterday, i miss him so much but i am struggling with myself: should i keep in touch and develop this relationship?
why? because in the past, through that site i met an Irish guy traveling to Vn,too. we had a few days together, i liked him and he likes me too. we keep in touch until now. i met him in Jan 2015, he said he would come back in Sept but until now he couldn’t make it. he said he had lots of things to sort out. I believed in his promise and waited him for 1 year. nothing changed but i didn’t blame on him. i was just upset why he could spend 1 month in Africa and 3 weeks in France for Euro but not coming to Vn to visit me and he said he has no holidays else for this year; i was so upset about that. Anyway, i do understand the situation. our sentiments for each other is not enough to make him come back to Vn. I also told him what i thought. but he still keeps in touch, saying missing me…
Coming back to the American guy, i am afraid he will be like the Irish man. I am tired of waiting for someone in an unclear relationship. I entered his facebook and saw his old photos with some girls (i thought one of them is his ex-gf). i would be telling a lie if i say i am not jealous. Then i thought why he could be so intimate with lots of girls ( hugs, kisses on cheeks) and asked myself if i was so sensitive and less knowledgeable about Western culture? But i do know kisses, hugs, even having sex in Western countries do not mean a man and a woman are a couple. I just feel tired and confused about unclear relationship. if someday i open facebook and see he is with someone, i can not bear that feeling. i suffered it so many times before with my ex bfs. that feeling killed me.
And what if i was just a part of his trip? he said he did not expect me, i am special and i kill him. he really likes me. should i believe in what he said? and what if he still keeps in touch with me but date with some girl when coming back to the US?

Everyone, what should i do now? should i tell him all about my thoughts, my worries or just let everything go naturally?

Thanks a lot

July 23, 2016 at 7:06 am #110326

Anonymous
Guest

Dear hangdo:

Better not have a pattern going where you meet a traveling man from Europe/ U.S./Western World, have a few days of romance, the man goes back to the West and you wait for him to realize he is in love with you and marry you.

Were these the thoughts with the Irish guy and now the U.S. guy? Is this a budding pattern…?

In a previous thread you wrote that you are stuck in life, graduated in June of last year, a bit over a year ago, and you find yourself stuck.

Regarding the pattern I suggested, this man in particular, it is unlikely that this will develop into a relationship where the two of you become an item and live together (Is living in the U.S. your hope?) Unlikely but possible. Unlikely because of the other girls on his Facebook page… the competition: there are other girls available to him living close by.

I think that waiting… and waiting for him is a bad idea. If I was you, I would communicate with him about what his time with you meant to him, and what his feelings are for you.

anita

July 23, 2016 at 7:45 am #110329

Hang Do
Participant

dear anita,

The way i met the Irish guy and this American is quite same but my feelings, my emotions for each of them is different. That’s why i do not expect my relationship with this guy is the same with the Irish man (leads to nowhere). i have to admit that i am attracted by Western men after suffering lots of hurts with ex Vietnamese boyfriends. From them, i have learnt a lot, i feel peaceful, be treasured (in spite of short time).

About my stuck life, after sharing my story here, i feel better a lot. i am no longer dreaming of being a blogger, i am focus on what i am doing. My sister and i are doing final step to preparing launching our online shop of clothing. I can earn money from that and support for my studying. so i am not so negative like before. And i have never ever thought that the reason i wanna be with him is to moving to the US. i know nothing for sure right now.

July 23, 2016 at 7:52 am #110330

Hang Do
Participant

My feeling and emotions for this guy are stronger than for the Irish. i did prepare for the time he was leaving Vn, i thought it would be so normal because i had experienced this feeling several times before but i was so down. the morning before he left, i was so surprised when his eyes were ready to cry. I cried then too. i was so confused. Maybe you are right, i should communicate with him about his feeling about me.

July 23, 2016 at 8:33 am #110332

Anonymous
Guest

Dear hangdo:

I think it is a good idea to communicate with him- way better than waiting and assuming, hoping and dreaming and guessing; checking his Facebook page for clues and then, guessing some more. Better be upfront, direct: ask him what you need to know, do so gently but clearly, honestly. Share with him your true feelings and ask him what he feels. It takes courage but it will be worth it. Do post anytime, and if you do communicate with him, I hope you post about it and you and I can communicate about it then.

anita

July 23, 2016 at 10:31 am #110367

Hang Do
Participant

Should i just talk all of what i am thinking to him? i am so angry with myself, why i cannot control my emotions, why i am thinking too much, why i am so sensitive….i am so afraid of saying goodbye with someone i like and i am obsessed with the picture that the one i like is with some other girls. I am so disappointed with myself; being hurt so many times but i cannot learn a lesson. Why i am always in passive situation…i am a fool in love. i have experienced lots of relationships but i do not know how to love someone in a right way.

July 23, 2016 at 12:23 pm #110371

Anonymous
Guest

Dear hangdo

You wrote: ” Why i am always in passive situation…i am a fool…” and I agree with the following, from my personal experience with being passive: it is foolish, unwise, to be passive. It really is. To be passive in life, whatever area of life, is indeed, foolish. The way to live is being active, exerting reasonable power over your life.

To depend on others, on their initiative, their feelings, their thoughts, their.. their this or that, is a foolish way to live.

You wrote: “why i cannot control my emotions, why i am thinking too much, why i am so sensitive….i am so afraid..” The wise way to live is to learn what your emotions have to teach you, that indeed you are afraid. Figure out what you are afraid of, to start.

You wrote: ” being hurt so many times but i cannot learn a lesson. Why i am always in passive situation…i do not know how to love someone in a right way.” I would say that the right way to love someone, the right way to live is the active way, to make things happen your way best you can instead of waiting for things to happen your way, hoping and waiting and dreaming.

So, with this guy, email him, tell him and ask him. I suggest you write some email here on your thread and I will give you my suggestions about how to deliver to him your feelings in an honest, direct way that is respectful to yourself, not desperate. And how to ask him about his feelings and thoughts in a way that will maximize your chances of getting an honest reply. With true information, you can proceed with some understanding and way less confusion and wishful thinking.

anita

July 23, 2016 at 1:14 pm #110374

Hang Do
Participant

Thank you Anita. so i am writing an email below, hope you can help me

” Dear Josh,
Being with you for a few beautiful days is really wonderful time to me which i hadn’t had for a long time. i was so happy when you said i am special and you really like me. What you’ve done, the single word you’ve said are so meant to me. But now you are far away and i am struggling with myself: should i develop this relationship with you? i DO WANT TO but how about you? do you want to make it out with me, too? The followings is why i ask these questions:

1/One year and a half ago, i met an Irish guy via that dating site too. after coming back to Ireland, he and i still kept in touch but he did not come back as what he said. He wanted to keep in touch with me, saying missing me but it seemed that he didn’t make effort to see me. Our relationship leaded to nowhere. Now you understand why i did not let you say you will come back to see me.

2/ I have just taken a look to your Facebook page, i’m sorry but i suddenly had the uncomfortable feeling when seeing your photos with some girls. i guessed one of them is your ex girlfriend. By the time on those pics, i think your breaking up was just a short time ago. And i am curious if you still love her or not. I know not much about Western relationships. As you said, you came to Vn for travelling not falling in love and that you did not expect me. And now we are still keeping in touch but when you come back to the life in the US, then maybe you will date, so should i know this? and what our relationship is in that time?

The time we were together was so short and we didn’t have much time to talk about each other. This email is partly considered the opportunity for us to know more about each other. Can you tell me what you think and how you feel about me? and do you have suggestions for our relationship if you also want to develop it as i do? Not future plan or sth like that because we can not predict or handle what will happen. i just want to know your thoughts, your feelings.”

July 23, 2016 at 2:36 pm #110379

Anonymous
Guest

Dear hangdo:

I will be editing your email text. Let me know what you think of my editing (some of it is grammar, not that my grammar is perfect…):

Dear Josh,

Being with you for a few beautiful days was wonderful for me. I was so happy when you said I am special and you really like me. What you said to me is so meaningful to me, but you are far away now and I am struggling with myself: do we have a budding relationship? I DO WANT TO have a relationship with you, but how about you? Do you want a relationship with me?

If you do, what kind of a relationship do you think it can be?

I have just taken a look at your Facebook page. I saw your photos with some girls; I guessed one of them is your most recent ex girlfriend. And I am curious if you still love her. I wonder if you are dating now or if you are open to dating in the U.S. currently?

Can you tell me what you think and how you feel about me? Do you have suggestions for our relationship if you also want to develop it as I do?

Basically, the situation is: I like you very much. I am interested in a relationship with you, be it long distance for now. I need to know what your interest is so that I can have clarity about the reality on your end. I will appreciate you responding to my questions. As long as your answers are honest and clear, I will be grateful.

— This is my editing at this point. What do you think of it? You can stick to your original draft, make some changes, and send me your second draft next.

anita

July 23, 2016 at 9:36 pm #110388

Hang Do
Participant

Dear anita,

Thank you so much for your help 🙂 your editing is great in both grammar and content. i appreciate that.
I wonder should i ask him why he still accesses that dating site and should i keep patient more and send this email later? when is the most suitable time ?

July 24, 2016 at 7:22 am #110394

Anonymous
Guest

Dear hangdo:

He still accesses the dating site where you met him, oh, I see. Well, chances are he is not interested in an exclusive long distance relationship with you. I say so because he spent only a short time with you in a foreign country to him; he is back in his own country, back to his social life, seems like he is not too shy or isolated from women his age, still accesses a dating site.

He probably wants to keep in touch with you but does not want an exclusive relationship. I may be wrong, this is why an email can clarify this. Send it if you are able to endure the answers (or lack of, if he chooses to not answer it at all).

The truth is what it is regardless if you are aware of it or not. So the email will be about you becoming aware of the truth, of reality (not changing reality, only knowing what it is).

It is about whether you can handle the truth. I believe life is better when we see the truth for what it is and relax into it best we can.

Please do post again. I will answer every time.

anita

July 24, 2016 at 8:10 am #110398

Hang Do
Participant

dear anita,
might i email you his reply in personally? because it is privacy so i do not want to post it here. then we can come back to discuss further here.

July 24, 2016 at 8:31 am #110399

Anonymous
Guest

Dear hangdo:

Better for me if you post his reply here but with certain changes so to protect his privacy: do not post his name and identifying information like where he lives, where he works, names of people in his life, his age, his profession/ occupation, his hobbies. Posting his email without any identifying information is ethical and is not a betrayal of him in any way. I hope you see it this way.

anita

July 24, 2016 at 8:41 am #110400
Hang Do
Participant
Dear Anita,
Here are his replies:
1/”Well, I can say that I really enjoyed myself with you also. With that being very clear, I did not expect to meet someone so smart and so beautiful on the inside as well as on the outside. You are very smart and have great potential. As you have said, the distance thing is an issue and it would not be fair to either one of us to split our heart a cross continents. I currently do have a girlfriend in the U.S., but she lives in my house in …. Before I left on vacation she visited … for a week and we were fighting a lot. I do love her and she loves me, but I do not think that things will work out. I want the best for her, because that’s who I am. I want the best for everyone. Facebook is a terrible thing sometimes I think, because it causes more issues in relationships more than not with jealousy and so forth. I gave you my Facebook expecting these questions. As I told you before, I hate planning things and you even told me not to say anything or make promises that might become compromised. So the long distance thing is difficult as you know. I am so glad that I had the chance to meet you and the experience was very genuine for me as well as everything I said to you. I do not want to tell you, ” yes!, Let’s be in relationship,” because it would not be fair to you. I’m sorry that you met me, because I don’t think either one of us expected this. You are the first girl that I actually met off that dating site. I’m not sure how your experience has been on that site or how other guys treated you, but I was falling in love with you and did not have those intentions when meeting you. Like I said before, “you kill me,” because my mind is so torn between what I want to do (be with you) and what I have to do ( go home and work hard to pay off my bills). I want you to continue doing what you have to do to be happy. Even if you still talk to guys on that site that’s cool. Besides, as you have experienced, I have a high sex drive and I like a lot of sexual things, but I think that you are very conservative sexually.

I think we should keep in contact, because I really enjoy who you are. We should not commit to anything, because we do not want to disappoint ourselves remember. If you do decide to keep talking with guys on that site, do not let them treat you any less than I did. You are a great person and deserve the best. As you have said yourself, never rely on someone else. You are #1 and do what you have to do to get what you want. Wish you were here now”
2/ “So the other girls on my Facebook were my gf’s before. I have signed back into that site only to check emails that I have gotten and delete on my email. There are plenty of girls here if I want that, but no girl here will have what we had even though we knew each other less than a week it seemed like years???? Haha. Do not shelter your self and spend too much time at home thinking about all of this because it will only make you depressed. Go out, have fun, and be active. I miss you”

Please show me what should i do now?
- This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Hang Do.
July 24, 2016 at 8:50 am #110402

Hang Do
Participant

Should i follow what you and he said that:”I would say that the right way to love someone, the right way to live is the active way, to make things happen your way best you can instead of waiting for things to happen your way, hoping and waiting and dreaming.” and that “You are #1 and do what you have to do to get what you want.”???
My heart tells me to chasing him but my mind advise me to let everything be natural and i should not go to his life then maybe i unintentionally would cause something affecting to his relationship with his gf.
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