The why and the what are not as important as the when and the how

We are in a very similar situation… to be faced with the we we created… mindlessly… I started drinking alcohol about 5 1/2 years ago.. 1.5 hours til 9 days sober..

But the odd thing is.. how did I even survive all those years and how detached I became from reality.. from the me I would rather be…

“Mindlessly”

All of that above is based in fear of something… but that is not as important as protecting you and all you are responsible for

You sound like you are fully aware the past being put at the front of the mind can kill the now

Do not go into Guilt.. focus on the emotions of progress and clarity and understanding

You mentioned above that “if I had truly loved them”
^^ This is not about them.

“If I had truly loved myself”…..

Try to repeat that

Why do we choose pain… This is a moment in time that will be an incredible abundance of improvement

They all love you.. this is your time to show them how much you love them by choosing to truly love you…

I will share a story from
Peace Is Every Step
The path of mindfulness in Everyday Life
**Parents**

When I think of my mother, I cannot separate her image from my idea of love, for love was the natural ingredient in the sweet, soft tones of her voice. On the day I lost my mother, I wrote in my diary, “The greatest tragedy in my life has just happened.” Even as an adult living away from my mother, her loss left me feeling as abandoned as a small orphan.

I know that many friends in the West do not feel the same way about their parents. I have heard many stories about parents who have hurt their children so much, planting many seeds of suffering in them. But I believe that the parents did not mean to plant those seeds. They did not intend to make their children suffer. Maybe they received the same kind of seeds from their parents. There is a continuation in the transmission of seeds, and their father and mother might have gotten those seeds from their grandfather and grandmother. Most of us are victims of a kind of living that is not mindful, and the practice of mindful living, of meditation, can stop these kinds of suffering and end the transmission of such sorrow to our children and grandchildren. We can break the cycle by not allowing these kinds of seeds of suffering to be transmitted to our children, our friends, or anyone else.

A fourteen year old boy who practices at Plum Village told me this story. When he was eleven, he was very angry at this father. Every time he fell down and hurt himself, his father would shout at him.. The boy bowed to himself that when he grew up he would be different. But last year, his little sister was playing with other children and she fell off a swing and scraped her knee. It was bleeding, and the boy became very angry, He wanted to shout at her, “How stupid! Why did you do that?” But he caught himself. Because he had practiced breathing and mindfulness, he could recognize his anger and he did not act on it.

The adults were taking good care of his sister, washing her would and putting a band-aid on it, so he walked away slowly and practiced breathing on his anger. Suddenly he saw that he was exactly like his father. He told me, “I realized that if I didn’t do something about the anger in me, I would transmit it to my children”. At the same time, he saw something else. He saw that his father may have been a victim just like him. The seeds of his father’s anger might have been transmitted by his grandparents. It was a remarkable insight for a fourteen year old boy, but because he had been practicing mindfulness, he could see like that, “I told myself to continue practicing in order to transform my anger into something else.” And after a few months, his anger disappeared. Then he was able to bring the fruit of his practice back to his father, and he told him that he used to be angry at him, but now he understood. He said he wished that his father would practive also, in order to transform his own seeds of anger. We usually think that parents have to nourish their children, but sometimes the children can bring enlightenment to the parents and help transform them.

When we look at our parents with compassion, often we see that our parents are only victims who never had the chance to practive mindfulness. They could not transform that suffering in themselves. But if we see them with compassionate eyes, we can offer them joy, peace, and forgiveness. In fact, when we look deeply, we discover that it is impossible to drop all identity with our parents…..

couple more paragraphs…

Feel fortunate you want to change.. you are willing to improve..

Focus on all the good in you and around you and increase it..

Do not go into guilt… stay focused on who you want to be

Rush “even if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice”

Control your choices and control your life
“The habit is the problem. All you need to do is be conscious of your choices and responsible for your actions.”

Peaceful Warrior – Nick Nolte Drinking at a Bar

Lunchtime

Celebrate all the good and you won’t have time to complain

Thank you for starting this topic… must rush to lunch time

Ed,

Don’t worry to much about “clearing the mind”. As you follow the process the mind will struggle to reach and remember what number comes next. If you lose confidence in what number comes next, just start again at 1-5. The concentration is a natural result, it is not something we have to do. For instance, we don’t have to try to make our muscles stronger, we only have to lift the weights. The muscles get stronger as a natural result.

With warmth,
Matt