“On a deeper level you are already complete. When you realize that, there is a joyous energy behind what you do.” ~Eckhart Tolle
At seventeen I had it all. I made straight As, was the vice president of the Honor Society, held two jobs, took the lead in four community theater performances, and joined Donnie Osmond onstage as part of the children’s chorus in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
I was busy. I did things well. I got attention. I was ready to snap.
I was so hungry for success and approval I’d do anything to get it, even if it meant exhausting and dehydrating myself straight to the ER.
What’s worse, I was continually dissatisfied with everything I did. I was my own punching bag.
Thirteen years later I don’t do nearly as much. I don’t take any classes. I don’t work much at the moment. I don’t perform anymore. On the other side of overexertion, I’ve still beaten myself up.
I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up—there’s something wrong with me.
I live across the country from my family and haven’t justified it by becoming a massive success—there’s something wrong with me.
I’m obsessed with self-improvement, but I’m still not perfect—there’s something wrong with me.
Stop. Revelation. Cue the spotlight: There’s nothing wrong with me.
And there’s nothing wrong with you.
Here’s how I know both of these statements are true:
1. You’re playing the game of life as best you know how and trying to get better every day.
You can’t possibly do someone else’s best, so there’s no point in stressing about it.
2. You make mistakes like everyone else, which allows you to learn as you go.
That means you’re doing what you should be.
3. You’re unique, whether you’re introverted or outgoing, book smart or street smart, creative or technical…
…the list goes on and on. You’re the world’s only opportunity to know a person just like you. The only hope to share what only you can.
4. There’s no such thing as the way you should be.
If you do what you enjoy and don’t harm other people, you’re living a beautiful life.
5. You will never become someone—you are someone right now…
…whether you influence millions of people or mean the world to just one person. Your impact is powerful, whether you realize it or not.
6. If someone hurts you, you don’t deserve it.
No one does. End of conversation.
7. You feel emotions and respond to them.
That’s the way this whole humanity thing works. If you could stand to improve the way you respond, newsflash: everyone could.
8. You have a pulse right now, and it’s your choice what you do with it.
There’s no right or wrong answer. (Unless what you want is to maim a puppy or something equally perverse.)
9. You choose what you think is best, or else you wouldn’t choose it.
As you get new information and grow stronger and smarter, you’ll make different choices.
10. You are beautiful, inside and out.
I’ve printed this out and put it in my nightstand where I can read it when I get hard on myself. I hope it gives you comfort when you start thinking there’s a good reason to not enjoy right now.
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Lori, it’s awesome to see you over here at Tiny Buddha! This is a really great post and #10 is just awesome. SO true. I’m going to print it out too and keep it as a reminder.
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So true and yet so easy to forget
I’m going to be misunderstood when I say this, but maiming a puppy is equally as right as donating to a charity, at least as the universe sees it. What I mean is that we as human beings decide what we think is right and wrong, but there are no overarching rules that say what we can and can’t do. It is simply our choice and, luckily, I think more and more people are choosing “good.”
Part of the game of life, I think, is realizing that we can do whatever we choose, and others can do what they like. By labeling an action “perverse” we are assuming we know what is right, better than anybody else. Rather than pass judgement I think it’s best that we simply make enlightened decisions with the knowledge we have. Other than that, loved the post.
I’m not sure if this is entirely true… your suggestion of universal equivalence might be correct (maiming and donations are both actions, after all), and I’m all for tolerance and large measures of freedom, but I would argue that there are some overarching rules to which humanity as a collective actively subscribes and adheres when they form a society.
For example, in this sense the term “perverse” is accurate. As a society we’ve determined that maiming puppies is wrong and is to be frowned upon. Think of it as a condition that must be upheld in order for you to keep your citizenship. Fail to curb your puppy-maiming tendencies? You lose your spot in the collective.
If we weren’t social creatures who largely depend on one another to survive I’d be all for this “do as you will and I’ll do the same” thing, but the bottom line is that if everyone acted according to their moral and ethical compass (which some people may sadly be lacking, though they might believe otherwise), life would be a complete mess. Overarching rules are integral to our survival, and really, some enlightened decisions aren’t always made in the best of light.
I wasn’t speaking in terms of societal or even “human” rules, but rather spiritual rules. It is my belief (and I’m not the only one) that in the “game” of life, all actions are equally valid. If Joe shoots John, the Universe (life, god, spirit, etc) would not view that action as “wrong.” We are spiritual beings having a human experience. As human beings, we have created rules and formed moral and ethical standards, but they don’t necessarily have anything to do with a higher law. I believe that as we become more enlightened as a group, fewer and fewer “wrongs” will be committed because we will actively choose to act out of love for one another.
I guess my point could be summed up like this: Hitler did not go to hell. What he did I would never advocate and I personally find what he did to be terrible, but it doesn’t mean that he was “wrong” and that on a grander scale did anything wrong. Passing judgement only keeps us from staying in the present moment and we miss out on spiritual growth.
I hope this makes a little more sense, but I’m a bit rushed at the moment so I’m writing this rather quickly.
I can’t really respond to a spiritual position, as I only have my past and present human experience as a guide, and can make no predictions as to my future… I suppose our positions are matters of definition… I consider this present moment my existence and am in no place to speculate about some higher, universal being or existence beyond my ability to conceive. Actions on earth are of consequence and importance to me, so in terms of Hitler I can unequivocally say he was wrong, as I would say it was wrong of Joe to shoot John, whereas I suppose by your position you find their actions reprehensible but in the spiritual sense I suppose the “conscious universe” might not feel the same, or have any position about it at all.
I’ll leave it at that. Interesting discussion though! 🙂
I don’t believe in LifeRevisited’s spiritual definition, but you can see it as the knowledge and consciousness of the whole humanity.
Think about how it changes, what is and what was the women position in society…
What is the results of continuos judgement of Hitler in 500 years from now?
But, instead of that , what is the result of continuous reflections of what lead a nation to empower a Hitler ? It should not take 500years to make effect…
Without taking any side in this…maiming puppy is wrong, but not because the society says so. First question after I read Mat’s contribution about forming society was: “Can I check out from these social rules without being punished?” After all I was never there to agree on these rules in the first place. So I am forced to follow rules I never had a freedom of choice to agree upon…Second: Maiming puppy will ultimately lead to the perpetruator’s unhappiness…that is the punishment. Society does not need to lay more judgements or punishments on the person, because the person is already being punished by his own judgement…his own feelings about himself, his self-concept that inevitably every one of us forms on the past experiences in our lives…Yes, we can speculate where is the line of acceptability of human’s deeds…on the other hand my experience is that when a person suffers too much, feels anger, shame, guilt or fear, then it the least we can do is not to add to it by judging that person and instead to try to understand them…Many crimes are commited just because of judgement being layed upon a person since their infancy by their parents, friends, social groups and casts…because of the color of their skin, origin, sex, education status, age, achievements…etc…By judging anybody against social rules the one never agreed upon following we do not perform a good service for that person and ultimatelly not to the world that we fill with judged people…
I thought it’s right, it doesn’t matter to any of the substances of the universe whether a puppy is being torn apart or not, whole galaxies get torn apart and that’s not wrong, its natural and occurs somewhere in the universe all the time. Besides, if a puppy was ALL you had to eat,its def not wrong to cook it up to survive.
You yourself state you believe more people are choosing Good so stating there is a Bad, and people choose. By your very statement you contradict yourself and clearly imply maiming a puppy is Bad.
There actually is a standard that we need to go by and that is the bible. People cannot do what they want. With freedom comes a responsibility, esp because we don’t live alone in a society. What we do not only may affect, but others as well. For example, you cannot smoke around someone and not expect them to be affected by 2nd hand smoke. The detriment is both for you and the other person.
We may decide what we think is right or wrong, but there is in fact a right and a wrong. Morality is required for the survival of the human race. If one chooses to maim a puppy, stab someone in the back, or deviate from basic life sustaining principles, they are acting immoral and will have to suffer the consequences of such actions (more loss of the self, fear, rage, psychiatric problems, homelessness, and or worse). These are the behaviors of a semi-conscious or unconscious (dissociated) person and the beginning of disorder. Deviating from morality, or reality as-it-is, leads people and societies toward total destruction and misery.
Moral relativity is the root cause of democide (i.e. how governments end up killing tens of millions of their own people).
In Taoism they speak of the undifferentiated state; this state of original being is in alignment with this said morality, reality and or natural law required for life.
One is right and one is wrong.
Morals are more judgement based and tend to be more of a personal code of ethics. Consequences are much different though. When you break the law, you will face the consequences if/when you are caught.
If you deviate from natural law you will face the consequences as well.
I believe this to be true as well.
Superb article. Second-person address a good style choice!
……the Lord told me this, a few years ago. “How many times have you fallen”? “How many times were you decieved”? “How Many times have you been on your knees Sobbing”? “Before You come to your knees and worshipped me? Conclusion; God is at the Heart of each & every adversity that comes your way. He loves you perfectly. for you are fashioned perfectly likened to the apple of his eye. Personally I think you are the most unique,wonderful,caring,open,caring, and giving soul! There couldnt Be a Better YOU!!! thanks
I really loved this post (and blog by the way!)…
There’s no such thing as the way you should be.
I could agree more!
Cheers,
Dayne
I guess it’s true that great minds think alike! Have a wonderful rest of the day =)
Dani~ Thank you! I loved your posts on here, as well, and am always excited to see what you have to say =)
Josh~ I hear that. I’m a perfectionist, and it’s draining. I’m working hard to remember these ideas when I start slipping away from the present moment.
Life~ I see your point, and I agree with you about judgment. I was somewhat making a joke, but also clarifying I don’t condone certain choices. From my vantage point, harming others is never a good choice.
dkmontreal~ Thank you! I’m so glad you enjoyed it!
Justin~ Beautiful words and a wonderful compliment. Thank you so very much =)
thanks.
I think the best part of life is striving for more and more success. This may differ from you, but I think that drive pushes all of us to achieve what we want. In many cases though, we let small things affect our major goal. Leans, credit cards, debt in general prevent us from reaching such. I agree that enjoying and appreciating all we have accomplished is great. But the strive for more is what drives me.
Whatcha think?
Dave
LifeExcursion
I think you bring up a great point about striving.
There was an episode of House in which one of the doctors had a near-death experience. For a couple weeks after that, he was so happy to be alive he didn’t let anything else concern him. This narrow focus on the single fact that he wasn’t dead made him far less effective in his job. It also robbed him of his personality, somewhat.
My feeling now is that striving and struggling are not bad things. Wanting and pursuing things helps us learn, grow, form relationships, and make contributions to society.
I just think it’s a lot healthier when you strive from a place of happiness–not toward a place of happiness. In other words, push yourself because you love yourself; not because you don’t.
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wonderful- thank you 🙂
sdfsdfsdfsdf
great post! <3 thank you.
Brilliant !!! I don’t have enough words to express my feelings…Thanks for making me realize that there is nothing wrong with me…now i feel i am just like anyone else
[…] 10 Ways I Know There’s Nothing Wrong with You (or Me) […]
….holy crap. it can’t be that simple, can it? Me too.
THANK YOU.
Excellent post!
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I really enjoyed this article cuz I am MY own punching bag as well :/ We can ALL take this advice and love ourselves more unconditionally. Especially me, I need to stop the dissatisfaction with my own imperfections, I am me, and if I”M not me, there is no one to be me.
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I really enjoyed this article cuz I am MY own punching bag as well :/ We can ALL take this advice and love ourselves more unconditionally. Especially me, I need to stop the dissatisfaction with my own imperfections, I am me, and if I”M not me, there is no one to be me.
I thought it's right, it doesn't matter to any of the substances of the universe whether a puppy is being torn apart or not, whole galaxies get torn apart and that's not wrong, its natural and occurs somewhere in the universe all the time. Besides, if a puppy was ALL you had to eat,its def not wrong to cook it up to survive.
[…] grew up believing that nothing I did was ever good enough and this is something that I still carry with […]
nice
I love the message here and it’s a great reminder for us all.
[…] 10 Ways I Know There’s Nothing Wrong with You or Me […]
This article is really well-written! I really love the insight and inspiration your blog gives to its readers!
* Permission to repost your list, please. 🙂
Hey there Tina Buddha, oops I mean Lori-
GREAT post!! Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom!! I’m with positively present….these pearls need to be kept close to my heart….easily accessible for reminding me, and those in my life, about whom I care, who need reminding sometimes.
Thanks again!!
Wonderful post!! I plan to, like postively present, print these pearls and keep them close and easily accessible to remind myself and share with others who seem as if they could benefit
Great post. Good luck to u !
thank you.
when i was young i overachieved until i was still volunteering/maintaining gpa/cramming tests with kidney infection. now in real world i did not learn my lesson and kept climbing the corproate ladder till i got a stomach ulcer and destroyed personal relationships.
now i think i’m ok with not being labeled as ambitious and yknow what? i’m a much happier person for it.
it feels so good to have someone else validate what i have been telling myself to feel better though =)
“…Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul…”
Section from the poem ‘Desiderata’.
Such feel good words… even if temporary. Only have problem with #3 and #7 kind of contradicting each other or maybe I’m reading it wrong.
“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”
Margaret Mead
.. supposedly from a commencement address! So perfect.
I am enjoying the discovery of your website young Lori Deschene
I’m going to have to disagree with #6- NO ONE deserves to be hurt? What about pedophiles, serial murderers, rapists, and other people of that nature?
They deserve to answer for their crimes and to be punished fairly according to the nature of the crime and the laws under which they live. Someone harms or wrongs someone else, then the law will deal with them once they are found guilty.
Yeah, I know many people get away with things like that and they get out scot free sometimes and their sentences reduced but that is not up to those not in authority and lacking proper knowledge and with judgment skewed by emotional connections to decide.
Retribution can easily become disproportionate should we become the ones who make such decisions and then what kind of monsters will we become? We have to be better than the torturer or the bully but that doesn’t mean they have to get away with or without a slap on the wrist.
[…] Enlightenment ~ Nothing Wrong Posted on May 19, 2010 by tradersnews 10 Ways I Know There’s Nothing Wrong with You (or Me) […]
You are beutiful inside and out to all my friends…. Love ya, Barbara
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You are totally right by saying that there is nothing wrong with us because we are unique individuals and should stay away from comparing ourselves with others.
Thanks for your article.
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[…] I wrote before in the post 10 Ways I Know There’s Nothing Wrong withYou (or Me) you can’t possibly do someone else’s best so there’s no point in stressing about […]