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Isabelle

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Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)
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  • #215919
    Isabelle
    Participant

    Hi Ally,

    As someone who also grew up in a toxic environment and who like you believes that as a daughter you should still love and be there for your parents, I also need to tell you that as you mentioned above, it is not up to you to fix them or the situation.  I am not sure how long you lived in this toxic environment or how old you are now, but what you need to start doing now is to take care of you.  You need to start being there for yourself and start healing from your childhood and learn to love/accept yourself it is hard to do but its necessary so that you can have a good adulthood. Surround yourself with positive people as much as you can. Mostly stop feeling guilty for the way your dad is this is not your fault!

    That does not mean that you need to cut out your family completely but maybe just distance yourself for a while let them reach out to you or if you see them do so in neutral grounds such as coffee shops or restaurants, you can also spend holidays with them. It is very possible that your family does not see what they are doing wrong and probably think this is how things should be. So there is probably not much point in talking to them about it. Of course I am judging without knowing them but it has been my observation that the parents of children who grew up in toxic homes will always deny doing anything bad to their kids.

    I know that growing up in a toxic is really heartbreaking and hard unfortunately you do not get to chose the family you are born into. The good news is that when and if you are ready for that step and if it’s a path you want to take, you get to chose the person you want to marry and spend your life with, if ever you have children of your own then you still get a chance at having a happy home and family life because you will have learnt from your childhood and this time you will do it your way. Unfortunately, it will not bring back your childhood or undo the bad times but you will get to see a happy childhood through your own kids.

    #211969
    Isabelle
    Participant

    Hi Nikki,

    I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time and that it feels like you lost everything. Starting over is definitely not an easy thing to do especially when dealing with a broken heart and depression.  7 years is a long time to be with someone and it will take time for you to heal from this unfortunately they do not make pills for broken hearts.

    You have done a lot in the span of 9 weeks, got a new job, new apartment and going back to school those are HUGE steps in such a short amount of time.  That shows that you are much stronger than you realize.  You are not damaged just a little broken right now and it is nothing to be ashamed of it’s just what you are going through at this point in your life. I know you probably do not see this right now but sometimes the most painful times will lead to much better times. As hard as it is sometimes you need to lose everything so that you can start a new and possibly better life.

    You are still young at 33 years old you still have such a huge part of your life ahead of you, this is hard to do but try not to stress about what will be rather try to focus on what needs to heal now.  Be proud of everything you have done to pick yourself up so far, focus on your studies, your new job and maybe take the time to decorate your apartment if you have not done so yet and if that cheers you up a little. Enjoy having your friends and family around, I know it does not make the pain go away but at least you don’t have to go through it alone. Keep going as much as you can, allow yourself to have the feelings you have(without judging yourself) the harder you try to fight them the harder it will be to move on. If you enjoy writing you can try writing down how you feel sometimes it will give you a different perspective.

    Eventually, your heart will become less heavy and it will be easier for you to breath, you will be stronger with everything you have gone through. Chances are that you WILL get married and have kids, it might happen sooner than you think or realize. Try to see it as starting over a better life instead of having lost everything.

    #129147
    Isabelle
    Participant

    Hi dreaming,

    I completely agree with Solie when she says not to put your life on a time line it creates a lot more fear, worry and stress for nothing. You do not realize how young 27 years old is, a lot of people these days get married and have kids in their 30’s. As one person commented above we are not in the 1800’s anymore and people have a much longer life expectancy. You have your whole life still ahead of you. And I know how you feel because I was the last of my friends to find the right man and to get married. I know how painful, lonely and sometimes hopeless it could feel. But I always had that intuition inside of me telling that I would find someone and I did I met him at 30 years old and married him 2 years later. We have been together for 8 years now and married for 6 and are still in our “honeymoon” phase.

    I can tell you that all that wait,loneliness and pain was worth it because I found the RIGHT person for me who treats me like a queen and who loves me unconditionally I have trouble realizing sometimes how much he loves me I almost cannot grasp it. We have such a strong marriage together we get through anything and everything together because that is how strong our love is for each other.

    Everyone’s life is different but I think that when you are ready and if you stay positive and keep hope it will happen sooner than you think. It is better to take your time to find a good person than to rush and possibly end up in a bad marriage with someone who does not treat you well. Even in a marriage filled with love, support and understanding, life is still hard and filled with obstacles…But having the right person by your side makes it that much easier and having the wrong person makes everything worst and that much harder. Especially if you want kids as much as they bring joy into your life it can also be challenging and trying and makes having a good relationship and marriage even more important.

    #122225
    Isabelle
    Participant

    What should really matter is that he treats you well and loves you the way you are. If that is the case then you should do the same unconditionally. I am also a married professional woman and do not think you should let appearances and the superficiality of the professional world get in the way of your relationship or how you view him. If something happened and you lost your job tomorrow HE is the one that will be there for you not your colleagues in the professional world that you want to keep up appearances for. Imagine having it the other way around someone who is always well groomed with a great appearance but treats you badly.

    #121717
    Isabelle
    Participant

    Having been with someone who put his computer games before me, I understand what she was feeling but it still does not justify her cheating on you. Maybe you have not been perfect but the fact that you can admit to your mistakes says a lot about you, it takes a big person to do that especially after being betrayed. For me personally being cheated on is something that I could never get past I would not be able to stay with them. But some people are able to get past that, depending on how in love you still both are with each other and how much your marriage means to both of you then maybe you could try couples therapy or counseling together? It would be a big first step in showing her that you changed and are ready to put her first and be there for her. Maybe the counselor can give you tips on how to get past this and find a way to really see if you can trust her again.

    About trying to conceive my husband and I have been trying for 2 years also, because of that, I have done A LOT of reading and research on infertility or just having a hard time conceiving. I do not have PCOS but I have read about many women who have had it and still got pregnant there are also many articles confirming that pregnancy IS possible with PCOS she might need medical help but it is not impossible. She can always try fertility treatments which is what I have been doing it’s a hard emotional road but you can get there. Also sometimes it’s just trying to stay positive and keep hope that it will happen also stress is a huge factor that can hinder getting pregnant. Sometimes it also just happens when it is supposed to she should try and see if she can find a support group or forum of women going through the same thing it could help her to know that she is not alone and give her some hope to read all the success stories people have.

    The first step though before having kids is to see if you can fix your marriage to make it a strong and happy one. Good luck to the both of you. Sorry for the long reply.

    #121716
    Isabelle
    Participant

    I agree that you should keep your email short so that you do not overwhelm her, but she might actually be really happy to hear from you after all these years. It can sometimes happen that friends lose touch but it does not necessarily mean they do not care for each other or like each other anymore, sometimes life happens and your roads just end up separating. I would love to know what happens if you decide to post again.

    #121522
    Isabelle
    Participant

    I know the feeling of hoping someone will return to you but I think it is a false hope that we make for ourselves to soften the pain of our broken hearts. 8 years is a really long time so I can only imagine the intensity of the pain and confusion you are feeling right now. In time though, when your heart heals a little more and you can breath and think a little more easily you might also realize that the breakup was for the best. If he is not in love with you anymore then staying with him would only hurt you more. I agree with what Monklet and I know these words are not comforting to you right now but if anything I do think that he loves, cares and respects you enough to let you go when he felt it was not right anymore instead of leading you on and making your pain worst. Your breakup is really recent and you need to give yourself time to heal try to take it one day at a time and let yourself feel your emotions without judging yourself. It is great that you are seeing a counselor and that you are taking time to rediscover and take care of yourself.

    #120869
    Isabelle
    Participant

    Hi U,

    A broken heart really does hurt and unfortunately, there is no medicine you can take to make it feel better or make the pain go away. You say that you have been together for a couple of years so it is normal to feel the way you are. You need to give yourself time to heal and move on and build a life without her.You should not base your worthiness on someone else I know it does hurt when you give your all to someone else and it seems like they just throw it away but that does not make YOU worthless it just means you were not compatible or she just didn’t know how to see it or appreciate it. All you can do is take it one day at a time eventually the pain will go away and it will feel better though I know that probably seems impossible to you right now. You do not know what your future holds the next woman you eventually meet could be the one you marry the one who does appreciate all the love you give her someone who sees things the same way you do. Once you meet her, you might find all this pain and heartache was worth it in the end.

    #120410
    Isabelle
    Participant

    So that’s it first day back at work is done. Turns out my anxiety did go away when I started my day. I was tired and ready to go home at the end of my day but I felt good about being back at work. I am happy that I will have a salary again and the job and company seem really great from first day impression. There is a lot of room to advance in the company and the people seem really friendly I even saw some colleagues I knew from a previous company I worked at. I will take it one day at a time as I get used to my work routine and will try to remember to take time for myself and do things I enjoy off work hours. I have taken both your advice with me during the day and it has also helped me a lot.

    #119943
    Isabelle
    Participant

    I am quoting what you said ” he was hurting and begging for a chance I didn’t have it in me to be cold, it hurts because I’ve asked for a chance to resolve these insecurities but he’s being cold.” Just that should give you a glimpse of what your future would be like if you DID marry he would take from you what HE needs but will not give it back when YOU need it in return, he would continue to manipulate you and make you guilty all the time.

    The way you are feeling is absolutely normal, he was a part of your life for 6 years it is normal to feel that you are making a mistake and that you need him in your life. I know you are not there yet and have a long road of healing ahead of you but one day you WILL get to the end of that road and realize how much better your life is without him, you will feel so strong and proud of yourself just because you made it through the pain and you didn’t let him drag you down. And one day when you are ready to open your heart to someone else again there is a good chance that the right person will come into your life you will see what a difference it makes to be with someone who truly loves you.

    I know it hurts for you to think that he is happy with someone else but just realize that in time, there is a good chance that he will do the exact same thing to her and the fact that he still needs to keep you there so to speak shows that he is clearly not that happy with her either. You might feel jealous of her now which is also completely normal but one day once you are healed in the back of your mind, you might actually find yourself thanking her for getting him out of your life and in a way you might start to feel sympathy/empathy for her since chances are she will endure the same things you did with him.

    #119910
    Isabelle
    Participant

    Hi Helpless,

    As hard as it might be I think you should just move on from him and let him go. Of course this is going to be hard since he was a part of your life for so many years and you got used to him. It is better to be alone than in the wrong company. I am talking to you from my own experience as about 10 years ago I was in a similar situation except I found out in the end that he DID cheat on me. If you are so stressed and feel so insecure with him then he is clearly not the right one for you. You said it yourself that you have mentally ruined each other that sounds like a toxic relationship.If he really loved and respected you he would not feel to the need to be speaking with other girls it sounds like he is just manipulating your feelings and playing with your mind. He wants to run around with other girls but wants to make sure he can keep you near as a “back up” just in case it does not workout with the other girls.He WANTS you to feel guilty and make you believe it is all your fault if things didn’t work out.

    When I found out my ex was cheating I immediately cut ties with him but had to change my number because he was still calling me even though he was with the other girl. It was SUPER hard because despite all he had done I was still very much in love with him. But it was also the best thing I could have done for myself it allowed me to eventually move on and heal myself of course all of this took a lot of pain and time but I got there. Now 7 years later, I am with an amazing man who truly loves me I can tell you that being with the right person you do not feel stressed or scared you might still have insecurities because of past experiences but they have a way of appeasing it. If he is ignoring you now then it might be a good place/time for you to start moving on. Be strong and realize that you deserve better.

    #119903
    Isabelle
    Participant

    Thank you Mishika for sharing your experience, I like your quote and I know I have a lot to be grateful for I realize it everyday.You are right that my anxiousness probably will go away once I get through the first day/week. I will be busy the rest of the week until Monday so it will give me less time to think about it maybe that will help also.

    #119902
    Isabelle
    Participant

    You make a really good point about being afraid of losing my current routine, I did not give though to that but you are right I did have some kind a routine just a looser one as you say and maybe it is the though of starting a new one that scares me a little also the anticipated boredom as you mentioned . I actually did end up watching the movie Groundhog day again last night and it’s true that in the end it turns out to be a positive outcome when he changes his outlook and attitude he finds a way to do the same day but differently.

    #119890
    Isabelle
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    This is good advice that I will take guess I was not thinking about that part of the movie :). I think all I can do is ease into it and take it one day at a time. Maybe once I start my first day the anxiety will go away.

Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)