fbpx
Menu

Billy

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 2 posts - 1 through 2 (of 2 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #140621
    Billy
    Participant

    Hi Henry,   I have a problem with codependency also. Whenever I am in a relationship I bein to neglect my own needs and look after the other person to much. At the same time I become completely dependant on them. It becomes like a trade. I will look after your every need if you support me. It’s very unhealthy and my relationships fall apart because of it.  I don’t feel like I have any control over it. It just happens because that’s how I have been conditioned by unhealthy parents.  However, as much as our conditioning dictates a lot of what we do it is entirely possible to change these patterns of behaviour. The first thing to realise is that these behaviours and thoughts are not you.

    They are like bad habits and can be changed.  I’m not sure about you but I know from my own experience growing up that I received messages from all around that I was not good enough how I was. In fact I was treated appallingly by other kids, teachers and parents.  At that age i didnt know any better. I just thought that there must be something wrong with me otherwise why would put people be nicer to me.  I took this on and internalised it and it became a bit part of my personality.  A feeling of lack, inadequacy, inferiority.

    My mother definitely has a lot of  narcissistic personality disorder traits and as a child it seemed like the only love and praise I ever recieved was when I was doing something to please her such as cleaning the house.  She had affairs and trained me to take love letters to her lover because it was a way for her to communicate with him without my father knowing.  I was 11 or 12 years old.  Many many really disfunctional things like this happened in which I felt I had to just do what she wanted and make sure she was ok or I would bare the brunt of her wrath in the form of physical violence, verbal and emotional abuse and the cutting off of her love and affection.  On top of this my father was drunk a lot and very explosively violent towards me.  As a child the thought of  not receiving love from your parents feels life threatening and we do whatever we are told to make sure we stay connected in order to survive.  It’s all we know and we are unaware of just how toxic and destructive it may be which is why children of abusive parents will scream in anguish when they are taken away from their abuser.

    I am now in my late 40s and only really just becoming very clear about this and the terrible effect it has had on every aspect of my life.  I’ve known for a long time how unhealthy my background was but felt confused and angry for a long time. I also felt extremely guilty and ashamed to feel such anger towards my parents because this too was conditioned into me by them and also by our culture at large.  Our culture tells  us in no uncertain terms that we must love our family and look after them when they are old etc no matter what.  They don’t seem to have any alternative if you just so happen to be from a really bad batch and feel like these people are ruining your life.  I thought I could run away from it all and I started drugs in my teens which stretched out into my 20s and 30s but of course it’s like putting a bandaid on a festering wound and so the problems never went away.

    Meditation has helped me to become more clear about a lot of things. It can be painful to face your demons and look your past square in the eyes and accept it for what it is.   Some people say the past is the past, let it go and move on. This is true but i have always felt a deep need to understand. To understand why I am the way I am. If I don’t know this then I cannot move on.  I would just keep going around in circles and wondering what the hell was happening. I did this for a long time.

    Im telling you all this because maybe you will read my story and not feel so alone knowing that we all suffer in some way and your story is one of suffering.   You are today the sum of your past conditioning and you can begin to change that conditioning to create a better future in which you do value and look after yourself. It’s a difficult road but we can do it.

    As far as your comment about loving oneself and trump and criminals etc. No these people do not love themselves. They are extremely lost, delusional, toxic individuals and they bring a lot of suffering on others and  most likely experience a lot of suffering themselves if not now they will at some point.  You don’t even need to compare yourself to these people. Just know that they are headed down a dark road and you are not going the same direction.

    If you don’t already, begin to sit still everyday and begin to ask questions and understand how you became the way you are. Know that you are not your conditioning, your thoughts, your beliefs and that you can become aware of these things , realise how they affect your life and change them.  If you recognise just one small thing that is leading you to suffer then you can learn from that next time.

     

     

     

    #139491
    Billy
    Participant

    I’ve been reading along with this post because it resonates with me a lot. I share many of the same issues and problems.  I have been going through a breakup for the last 6 months. My relationship lasted 15 years but eventually he decided to end it. I became completely dependant, overly needy, depressed and angry. I believe he has an alcohol dependancy. He is not a full on alcoholic but I have never witnessed him be able to or even want to go more than 1 or 2 days without alcohol. He also tends to neglect his health and over works which is leading to all sorts of health problems which he is completely in denial about and if I mention it he sees it as nagging. On the other hand I am a bit of a health nut and my work life is a mess with long term unemployment now effecting my opportunities. I’m 48, I have a degree, but my lack of confidence and low self esteem seem to hold me back and so I go through life taking on menial mind numbing work here and there to try and make ends meet.

    Our relationship basically imploded. It seemed to bring out the worst in both of us. I always had hope that because these issues were all coming to the surface that we could find a way to heal but for him it was all too overwhelming and he didn’t want to continue. When he told me I completely broke down. Even though I could see it coming I never really thought it would end. It’s now 6 months later after we sold our house and we are now living together in a 2 bed apartment and I am looking for another apartment to move into. It is the most difficult and draining situation I have ever found myself in but I don’t feel I have any other alternatives because I have very little income and barely any connections.

    I still love him very much and he loves me and living together we are still very emotionally connected but it’s like we are in limbo now and there is a grief hanging over us. I am dreading the day I actually move to my own place mainly because of the lack of income but also because I get very lonely and tend to isolate myself.  I don’t feel like I have a place to belong in the world and fear becoming an alcoholic reclusive like my father has become.

    From what I have read of your situation mapnerd, it sounds to me like your mother is more borderline personality than histrionic.  Borderlines lose it uncontrollably when they are triggered whereas histrionic are in a constant attention seeking state in social situations. They cannot handle not being the centre of attention and will be very sexually seductive and provocative.  Your mother doesn’t sound like that.  She sounds from, what I’ve read, to be explosive and lose control.   I recognise this because my mother was/is the same.   My mother completely loses her shit and lashes out at everyone and everything around her. When I was a child she stabbed me with a fork in my arm because I didn’t want to eat broccoli, she wacked me with a steel pronged dog brush and repeatedly hit and slapped me across the face and body as well as hurled obscene verbal abuse at me. Once time she threw a cup of tea at me.  My father was equally abusive if not more so. After my father beat me my mother would convince me to apologise for making him lose his temper!!! Then everything would be ok till the next time he would explode.  Our poor dogs also bore the brunt of their anger at times. It was a very unstable childhood. There were times my sister and I would be spoilt rotten especially at xmas but the abuse was and still is a dark cloud overshadowing the good times.

    After reading about your situation I understand mine a little more.   I seriously need to find a way rewire my brain as I don’t see a bright future for myself at all.  I have been practicing insight meditation for over 6 years now. I guess it has helped me get through all this but it is not changing anything or fixing it. It helps me to realise that everything is impermanent and ‘not self’ and how we cause ourselves suffering etc but I seriously need a big wake up call. Like right now it’s 9:30 am and I am still sitting in bed dreading getting  on with the day.  I have so many dreams and thoughts and ideas about what I thought I would like to do with my life but I have never achieved any of it because I have no belief that it’s even possible.  My faith and trust in people is so shattered.

Viewing 2 posts - 1 through 2 (of 2 total)