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Adult sibling rivalry

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  • #61945
    Katie
    Participant

    My relationship with my older sister has been difficult since we were children. We are now in our mid twenties and I am trying to patch things up as things are getting out of hand. She is a very jealous person and our fights often begin with her criticizing (my boyfriend/career/lifestyle) and she knows me well so she knows how to cut deep. We also both fight for my mother’s attention even at our age. Since she lives at home with my parents, and I visit home often, she often tries to get me in trouble with my parents by tattling about inappropriate things. Recently she started talking about my sex life with my mother! It is embarrassing because my sister often makes up lies or stretches the truth in an attempt to make my mother upset with me about things that would not normally matter, as I am a grown woman. My sister often gets in moods where she will continually say nasty things to me for hours rather than just going away! It has gotten to the point where if I come home to a family gathering she will begin to pick at me immediately, and if I don’t give her the response she wants (freaking out), she will throw a fit and upset the whole family.

    I have tried discussing these issues with my sister but she is uninterested in fixing things. Since I cannot change her, I am wondering what I can do to prevent her from continuing the behavior when it starts. How should I respond when she says something nasty about my boyfriend? How do I respond to her tattling and lying to my mother? I used to think if I stopped blowing up when it happened she would stop, but it still continues even if I ignore her. I even tried going along with it, but it just propagates the fight longer until one of us blows up.

    I have always envied my friends who see their sister as a best friend and while I may never have that, I want to at least be able to be in the same room with her without fighting.

    #61947
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    @mushedcupcake

    Hi Katie

    Thanks for wanting to change your relationship with your sister for the better 🙂 I would like to offer you a very simple solution, which leads to 100 percent success, if you commit to it. I have used it myself to great effect with family members.

    Your sister just wants love and acceptance subconsciously and consciously. Give her that. Be the bigger you and just give love. Sooner rather than later, your sister will turn around and become your best buddy 🙂

    Best wishes,

    Jasmine

    #61962
    Kelly
    Participant

    Katie,
    One thing I would suggest is to be a bit more selective about how much you let your sister in. I can understand wanting to have a best friend type of sister relationship, but perhaps for a time it might benefit you to keep your private life less accessible to her. In other words, she can’t “tattle” if she doesn’t know what’s going on in your life. I’m not suggesting you shut her out completely, but let her earn your trust. I’ve had to establish boundaries with both family members and coworkers in terms of sharing my life. Unfortunately, there are people who will exploit your openness for their own selfish reasons (whether intentionally or not), so it might help to keep your cards closer to your chest until she matures and proves herself to be someone you can trust with private matters (such as your sex life). If the things she’s saying are completely baseless and fabricated on her end, well, there’s nothing you can really do to stop her from telling tall tales. Rise above and try hard not to engage. It seems she’s looking for a reaction from you and will press your buttons until she gets one. This is a endurance test in patience, that’s for sure.

    Good luck!

    #78825
    Sophie3000
    Participant

    Love Productions are currently researching for an exciting new television documentary series. We are interested in talking to you if your financial situation is very different from that of your sibling/s. We would like to explore how people who had very similar upbringings find themselves in very different economic situations later in life.
    If you would like to have a brief chat and find out more please contact Sophie or Steve on 0207 067 4820.

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