I have been struggling with loosing my friendships. I am 28 years old. I was lucky to have a small group of mostly male friends and their significant others for the last 15 years who became my family. They were loving, supportive, encouraging, and always made me laugh. I honestly never envisioned my life without them…. until recently.

I have been in a long term relationship for the last 3 years. We own a home and live together and our families are very supportive of our relationship. In the beginning, my friends liked my boyfriend on a surface level from the few interactions they had with each other until that one evening we decided to all go to dinner.

The Dinner: My male friends were sharing stories of the festival culture going into very in-depth detail about their excessive use of drugs at events, infidelities to their S/O, and over all bad choices that were made. My boyfriend felt intimidated (which is natural being the new guy in a tight nit group of also mostly men) I assured him they would welcome him with open arms. (boy was I wrong) My boyfriend made one comment during the hour long rambling session. He asked: ” You do how many hits of acid?” Aren’t you worried for your health?” Immediately, my friends were appalled by the question, felt judgment, and dismissed him all together. I made the choice shortly there after to not participate in festivals in the future because hearing it all out loud and seeing the reaction of my boyfriend (at the time an outsider) really was the wake up call I needed to get off the crazy train. I in no way went as far as they have with experimenting but I am guilty by association. I switched gears from spending money on festival tickets, shows and concerts to saving my money for a vacation, our home, my garden and a new car. (I also think this is called : growing up)

Fast forward to now, we have accomplished all we saved for and set our sights on and it’s been wonderful. I have still made it a point to be there for my friends during significant life events without reciprocation. (Birthdays, Anniversaries, Engagement Parties, Holidays, etc.) My boyfriend has not tagged along to these events with me. I’ve accepted that he feels uncomfortable and I do not pressure him to attend. My friends constantly guilt trip me for not attending shows and concerts (yes they still attend frequently) to the point that they have completely placed the blame on my boyfriend for “not acknowledging my happiness” which they apparently interpret as attending music festivals/shows.

All of this came to head a few months ago when the ring leader of the group (Also my long time best friend of 18 years) decided to let me have it. (Speaking on behalf of everyone in the group) Explaining, they all talk badly about me behind my back and smile in my face, my priorities are whatever my boyfriend tells me they are, I don’t have a mind of my own, since I have not attend the summer music festival in 3 years that it has been my choice to not “grow with the group” and I’ve become out of touch with their conversations and inside jokes, the life events (birthday, engagements, etc.) I have attended really carry no weight because I haven’t gone to the music festivals, among other hurtful comments that I simply took like a brick wall. The nail in the coffin was toward the end of the phone call when he threatened me to stay away from HIS friendships and that if I needed a shoulder to cry on to not contact anyone in our group or he would put an end to the friendships I had left.

After that conversation I felt defeated and very lonely. I excluded myself from group events (holidays, birthdays, etc.) that I would usually attend over the summer to avoid seeing this person. The guilt trips and excuses from the others for his actions continue to roll in while I remain silent with my thoughts replaying the conversation over and over in my mind. Why would I participate with the potential to be ganged up on? or have to smile in the faces of the people I was just told made me the brunt of their jokes for years? It’s been a sad summer for me but I have really started to accept what had happened within the last few weeks and realize that my family and boyfriend are wonderful to me and I am lucky to have them.

My “Ex- Bestfriend” is to be married in February (same person who let me have it on behalf of everyone). I received the wedding invite and the bridal shower invite within weeks of each other. While I know that in retrospect after 18 years of friendship I should attend, on the other hand….. My relationship has not been respected or encouraged ever. My boyfriend will not attend the wedding of someone who has talked badly about him for 3 straight years and I don’t blame him. Why would I actually attend other than for the sake of the longevity of our friendship with the potential of it never being the same again?

I just feel as though there is so much unfinished conflict that needs to be resolved and addressed before I jump into another event that won’t carry any weight or significance in the long run to the people I am there to celebrate and who have not celebrated me in years.

Seeking advice on what to do.