Forum Replies Created
March 30, 2020 at 11:35 am #346216
It sounds like she is being a competitive jerk! She is using you as a foil or a benchmark for her own relationship.
You can do a few things here:
1. Tell her directly, “This isn’t a competition.”
2. Give her a patronizing, “I’m sure you and your fiancé are doing great”
3. Double down on YOUR decisions. “Well, I guess my boyfriend and I are old school. We decided to take things slow since there is a child involved.”
4. Give her no information on your boyfriend. NOTHING. “*shrug* We’re doing OK.”
5. Cut the conversation short when she gets competitive OR when fifteen minutes have elapsed. “Gotta go! Meeting on Zoom!”
6. Don’t call/text/Zoom back. “I never imagined I’d get so much work/things done now that I’m social distancing!”
InkyMarch 9, 2020 at 11:23 am #342480
Remember the song, “I want it all or nothing at all”? There’s a lyric in there that says, “I’ve had the rest of you now I want the best of you I don’t care if that’s not fair”.
Not only did she break your heart and engagement BUT she probably had an encounter with that other dude (who is bad in bed I’m sure!) but she wants you to be friends and you’re apologizing to her!
This is so nuts that this relationship is now Pass/Fail. All or Nothing. Tell her that if you cannot be her husband (please don’t) then you cannot be her friend.
One day you will find the true love of your life, be wildly successful with a handsome brood of children and she will stalk you on social media wondering if she was the one that got away. Her only consolation.
InkyMarch 1, 2020 at 7:41 am #340778
Many people ask questions, but aside from anita, not as many answer them. Persistence is best. Hopefully you will see that people have replied and you will answer on the same thread.
Anyway, to answer this question, is it all comes down to expectations and boundaries. If someone can’t handle you at your worst, do they deserve to see you at your best?
Aside from maintaining a basic level of politeness, you can abandon or carry on friendships to suit your needs.
Keep in mind that each friendship is different. There is your party friend, your neighbor friend, your childhood friend, your church friend, your work friend, your crisis friend, your good time friend, your two in the morning friend, etc. This friend you have sounds like a good time friend. That’s great as long as times are good.
February 26, 2020 at 7:27 am #340114
- This reply was modified 4 weeks, 1 day ago by Inky.
Wait, I’m confused. Is the workmate his girlfriend or are they two separate people?
I mean you could call him on it. When he mentions her name for the umpteenth time you could say, “Dude, you may not have noticed, but you have a major case of mention-itis.”
When he gives her attention at work you could pull him aside and say, “Dude, you’re being way too obvious.” Or, “Dude, we’re at work you know.”
Make him feel low grade awkward about showing attention to the girl.
In the meantime, make a list of why your friend isn’t so great and get a boyfriend of your own. Maybe your friend will wise up and one day look at you in a new light.
InkyFebruary 16, 2020 at 8:31 am #338530
Never underestimate the power of Epsom salt baths, lots of sleep, and mindlessly binging on Netflix series.
The problem is people always try to run errands on their days off. If you do anything, hire meal delivery service, a housecleaner, a secretary and/or a clothes/errand runner so you don’t have to do any chores on your rare days off. In short, you need a “wife”.
Being a doctor isn’t a “noble profession” anymore. I can’t believe all the stress and hardships you guys go through.
Wishing you all the energy to power through until retirement!
InkyFebruary 11, 2020 at 10:53 am #337644
He is acting this way because he is embarrassed.
He doesn’t want friendship. Or worse: to be Friendzoned.
InkyFebruary 11, 2020 at 9:22 am #337632
He’s bored in his marriage and desperately hoped that you would have a sexy exchange via the computer.
You shot him down and he’s licking his wounds. It’s as simple as that.
The next time he contacts you (he will) write back: “Hey, this is Not So Thirsty’s husband, Mr. Validation”.
The guy will stammer online, and backtrack.
And hopefully he’ll learn something.
InkyFebruary 8, 2020 at 7:31 am #337124
I reiterate that a self defense class would help tremendously. I can only speak for myself but:
1. It helped with my anxiety
2. It actually made any attempts of abuse stop and all it took was a couple basic moves.
3. It keeps you in shape and brings you more into your body
4. There is an aura around you once you can defend yourself that people pick up and no one will dare mess with you. The ones that do (the stupid and arrogant) quickly find themselves on the ground sliding across the floor.
5. You gain confidence that if you can win against a fight against your dad, that university courses and interacting with other people will be easy.
6. You will be changing the culture. It starts on a personal level. Eventually all daughters will walk in peace.
I don’t want to proselytize, but it really did change my life in a profound energetic way.
InkyFebruary 7, 2020 at 5:05 am #337008
You have to do an exorcism, if you will, of your family.
You know you’ve “arrived” when you either:
1. Don’t see your family again
2. Don’t let your father abuse you again
3. Your father doesn’t abuse you again
I think you went to France and felt “off” because you weren’t done in Morocco. So you subconsciously brought yourself back there to close the abuse cycle. However, it continued. So you went back to France where everything is still “off”.
I highly recommend taking a self defense class. I did, and when my own father grabbed me I extracted myself in less than a second while everyone in the family was in AWE. Told Dad, “Oh yeah, I’m in my second year of Krav Maga.” He must have looked it up because he never, ever, laid hands on me again. The whole paradigm of the family changed when I wouldn’t physically put up with his adult tantrums.
InkyFebruary 6, 2020 at 7:04 am #336910
I would find a spiritual advisor (church/Buddhist/temple/etc.) and practice walking/meditation/yoga to get you back into your body. Also up my reading on spiritual texts of your choice.
Getting lost in a Netflix series, writing, visiting a shelter and holding the animals have all helped me as well.
InkyFebruary 6, 2020 at 6:42 am #336902
You’re thinking too much! That’s all it is. I don’t want to minimize what you’re going through, but if you shut off your mind and become more “Zen” you might be happier!
Life is beautiful. And yet people suck. Counteract that by being around good people and being good to yourself. We only have 100 years on this planet if we’re lucky. Might as well enjoy it!
If you suffer, it’s usually a mental thing. Read more books on Buddhism and Zen.
If you are actually suffering, they will give you drugs. One for pain, one for anxiety.
All the Best,
InkyFebruary 5, 2020 at 9:47 am #336788
If you come back to this thread, I just want to add that I agree with anita and Juli.
Long distance relationships are for the birds.
Keep him as an occasional on line distraction if you want to, but do make friends and get a boyfriend in Real Life.
InkyFebruary 4, 2020 at 6:18 am #336604
I would just always be there quietly in the background. It will be interesting if you date other people and she finds out. Suddenly this time next year she might ask you to hang out, who knows?? Nothing like other people around you to show HER how she really feels! It’s true.
InkyFebruary 3, 2020 at 12:19 pm #336458
This sounds cliché, but volunteering and/or being part of a place of worship helps tremendously with connectedness. When you’re part of a team to do good in the world, you have the same mission, people view you as being giving, and that is the magic glue which binds people together.
It will also get better the longer you stay in one area. You will become a familiar face and people will trust you.
The attractiveness thing: Most guys (and some girls) get better looking as they get older. Never fear! There is some girl out there who might (or will) have a crush on you! Reframe your introvert-ism as a brooding poet looking out to sea.
Lastly, WORK IT! Invite people over to drinks or to events. Keep doing this!
InkyFebruary 2, 2020 at 10:29 am #336312
I would make it a goal to move out. You can do it. It’s called rentals and roommates.
While you are living in his grandmother’s home, it’s imperative that you have one room that is completely yours. If there is paint or wallpaper, repaint it. Get Ikea furniture. Get a new mattress. Paint your own pictures. Replace the old pictures. Put your own photos out. Do this when he’s gone for a block of time. When he gets home it’s a done deal. “Oops!”
Then you can work on the bathrooms. New bathmats, new shower curtains. Etc.!
Every Christmas or Birthday gift him something new for the house. Slowly get rid of the old furniture. Keep the old ones in the basement or attic. (And get rid of one piece he’ll never miss once a year.) Do this twice a year.
In short, you need your own energy imprints (YOUR art, furniture) to make a house a home.