Forum Replies Created
June 18, 2018 at 5:11 am #212869
My advice to you is to rewrite this with periods, capital letters at the beginning of the sentence, and paragraphs. I literally couldn't read this giant block of a run-on sentence. I tried. I really did.
I will say that after you break up with someone a good rule of thumb is to wait a year before you contact them again.
InkyJune 18, 2018 at 5:07 am #212867
It sounds like he's not a great option. He ghosted you, and then he was radio silent about the weekend. You could **possibly** give him one more chance, but I say that with trepidation.
Three Strikes You're Out,
InkyJune 17, 2018 at 5:57 am #212783
If it makes you feel better, my husband's cousin had wanted to write a parenting book and wanted to use MY children as examples/foils. Well, the book never got written, and twenty years later our kids are now a doctor, a captain, and a chess master. You can imagine the evil eye I get during family reunions. My rotten kids won! LOL!
It's easy to second guess ourselves as parents. For me, looking back, I would ask my younger self, “What was up with all the fruit juice??” knowing NOW that constant fructose is bad for the teeth.
I had three kids relatively close together. The good news in that is they will have more of a bond with each other.
Say “NO” to your mom living with you permanently. A week here or a weekend there is fine. But once you give her “grandma's room” let the dysfunction begin!
Other parents/people. NEVER apologize for you kids. They are “independent” and “spirited”. Let the gossiping hens talk. Their lives must be really small that they even think about other people's children. When they ask about your kids simply say “They are great!” Brag about them a little. Practice the art of false modesty. Only admit they are occasional monsters to a trusted few close friends.
Lastly, it is time to un-spoil your kids. Say “NO” to them. A lot. Also have high expectations for them. They will revolt. They will cry. They will finally give in. Only when they respect you can the true bonding begin.
InkyJune 16, 2018 at 5:45 am #212685
I know I'm late to the party and don't know if you're coming back, but here are two additional thoughts:
1. Don't communicate with him for at least a year. This will give you (and him!) time to settle into your new lives without each other. It will also give a perspective.
2. Sometimes we are a lesson for other people. You've been together for half, a quarter, or a third of your lives (I don't know how old you are!) Over the past decade he got more and more comfortable with treating you badly. (He DID! Just reviewing Anita's post above.) Don't second guess your decision. Stick with it. It mattered. YOU matter.
InkyJune 15, 2018 at 2:12 pm #212629
I totally get it. This guy probably did know he was rubbing it in your face a little. They think they're so smooth. They can make us feel bad but try to do it in such a way that we can't actually call them on it (without looking crazy or jealous).
Ex girlfriends, cousins, whatever. They'll use anyone.
You need someone who loves you in such totality that they only think of you. Let's at least start with someone who doesn't try to make you feel bad.
I have no advice except to say: I validate you. I believe you. This happened. You feel bad. It sucks.
You are Officially Validated,
InkyJune 14, 2018 at 8:27 am #212459
They are lucky you converted to Catholicism and agreed to a Catholic wedding. (btw, there are Buddhist Catholics). When it comes to weddings, it's supposed to be the bride's wedding, after all.
BUT! You HAVE to stand your ground. Invite your friends and relations to be other bridesmaids. So the sister gets upset. Reply, “And I'm OK with that”.
It's high time she grew up. You do not want some college aged girl to run your life or be the moral dictator. You may very well be the first (but not the last!) person to put her in her place. Peacefully and quietly, by doing your own thing, but putting her in her place nevertheless.
The other thing you can do is to elope. Then you will be LEGALLY married (this will piss everyone off. But remember, you're OK with that!). Then the Catholic wedding will be just a ceremony. This way the pressure's off.
You are putting everyone in their place NOW, otherwise it will be murder if you have children later on. Can you imagine.
InkyJune 13, 2018 at 6:44 am #212331
I would go for TOTAL custody and SUPERVISED visitations at a PUBLIC location. Move and don't tell her. Change jobs. Work from home. Only the state and your lawyer knows the true address. Her lawyer (if she has one) gets a UPS box (claim the “Suite” is a real apartment). Get a restraining order for her. Have CPS (or someone??) bring your child to her at the public place for supervised visitation.
I hate to say it, but don't even give your mother your new address, because in a moment of weakness she might reveal it. Better yet, your mom should also move and not tell the ex her new address. Your ex is a dangerous stalker type.
It's going to seventeen more brutal years. Let's hope she ends up in jail (for a reprieve!) or miraculously gets her life in order.
InkyJune 11, 2018 at 5:30 am #212035
Guys are great at compartmentalizing things. So if he parties, he's going to party! When he's sad, he's sad (but probably in the privacy of his own room).
Also, there must be a big gap in his life where the relationship used to be. It looks like he's merely trying to fill it up because he doesn't know how to do that.
Best not to lurk on social media too much. I know it's hard.
InkyJune 10, 2018 at 4:24 am #211901
As a child of divorce, I can say with certainty that you will always have a relationship with your child.
If you do only get him/her twice a month, you make sure that those are the best weekends on the planet! Trips, adventures, trips to the pet store, the city, sailing, rock climbing, the zoo, whatever! You would be the parent the child looks forward to, not the parent of the drudgery and the dam dailies. In a strange way, that's a gift.
As for your spouse, I don't know her resolve and if she's already gotten a lawyer, but you haven't been served YET. Especially if the child is young you can entreat, beg and beseech her, to seek counseling with you, a couple's retreat, a remedy for whatever is the matter. “Then we can get a divorce, perhaps, when he/she is a little older”. By then the issues could be worked out, who knows.
You hang in there. Take care of yourself. And get great at compartmentalizing things.
InkyJune 8, 2018 at 4:56 am #211617
Your parents gave his parents a present they didn't like and look how his mother reacted. Now imagine if you LIVED with her! NO. You cannot marry a man with a mother like this! The upset has nothing to do with the gift. It was an upset waiting to happen. It could have been anything that would set her off. This woman is nuts.
Guess what.. I prophesy that he will remain single forever because of her.
Let him cling to his mother. If you were Western I'd tell you to date other people. Since you are Indian, tell him that you are ready for your parents to look for other potential husbands for you. This will make him either come to his senses and commit to you or solidify his commitment to his original family.
Time for everyone to be free.
June 7, 2018 at 4:55 am #211355
- This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by Inky.
I think the anxiety, at its root, has nothing to do with your relationship or who you're with. Usually if we're dissatisfied with our partner, we feel irritated or bothered, or racked with guilt that we're leading them on. But anxious? Not so much. Not unless a break up is pending and it will be messy.
I suspect the anxiety stems from the pressure you're putting on yourself (“must start family!”) and the fear of making a mistake. Marriage is supposed to equal being together forever, and you theoretically get one shot.
Maybe get off your self-imposed Life Plan. Ground yourself. Take up yoga or meditation. Walk on the earth barefoot. Plant a garden. These things help ease anxiety in general.
InkyJune 7, 2018 at 4:48 am #211351
Let's say they're willing to have an open marriage or the husband wouldn't care if you hooked up with your first love. But for practicality's sake, though, would you move across the world for that? Would she?
You could make a Grand Confession and see if the husband's cool with the fantasy turning real, and if she's up for it.
Of course you could be disappointed with the response you hear, but at least you'd know.
InkyJune 6, 2018 at 1:26 pm #211265
Your first love is married and she lives far away. Also, since she had cheated on you (a lot) she didn't take you seriously. You were a side option in the grand picture of her life. Meanwhile you have her in a frame that takes up the whole house. She loves you for nostalgia's sake. We all romanticize our past.
This may be the first great love of your life. But you have to look to the future. The future where there are other great loves.
InkyJune 5, 2018 at 5:05 am #210849
MOVE OUT. Yes. Yes, you can.
He is on a break, you agree not to see other people (yet he could be), the family and friends think you are still together (so no drama) and he gets to cuddle when he wants.
He's getting all of the perks of being in a relationship without being in a relationship!
Tell him you are seeing other people. DO see other people! Suddenly his priorities will shift as reality will smack him square in the face. You are not one to be taken for granted!
InkyJune 4, 2018 at 5:46 am #210643
Nothing is sexier than a Man with a Mission! I know you live in LA, but when women see you volunteering to help kids or take care of puppies, you will be irresistible! Also join a religious or spiritual organization. They do a lot of things in the community, and you will meet other non-superficial people. You may not go out with them but they will definitely help set you up if they know you're looking.
Surely there are other divorced forty year old guys temporarily in debt out there. I don't know why you think you're perceived as a misogynist. If you don't open your mouth and talk that way they don't know what you're thinking, after all. And if they expect you to be rich (and thus pay for everything) aren't they buying into The Patriarchy, what you infer that they hate? I don't know, as I've never been to LA, but it seems you are trapped by your own mental constructs.
Just remember this Simpson cartoon from when they went to Denmark:
Hot Danish Guy: In my country I'm a Four.
Homer Simpson: In my country I'm a Nine.
You are probably fine!