Forum Replies Created
June 25, 2019 at 5:55 am #300665
One way to wake up his attraction for you is to TELL him about all these guys. He may not believe it. He may believe they must have a fetish. Those would be coming from places of denial. But one thing’s for sure. We are attracted to whatever/whoever someone else is attracted to. It’s human nature.
Another way to perk his curiosity is to suddenly wake up at five in the morning happily singing Rogers and Hammerstein songs, wearing a sundress, say you’ll be back by noon, be out all day, then the next day be at the gym all day after professionally washing your car. Well that’s just me. My husband would say, “WHAT’S GOING ON HERE??” convinced there was someone in the background. And flowers everywhere. And new items in the house you would never buy for yourself.
I know you (probably) won’t do all that. But doing one or two is fun. It’s GOOD your husband sees some sort of mystique about you.
Maybe the problem isn’t you. Maybe he has low sex drive, is asexual, has ED.
If there is no physical problem on his end, has he truly been faithful to you? If not, why feel bad? Indulge in the attention! Tell him you want an Open Marriage. Why deny yourselves?
InkyJune 24, 2019 at 8:31 am #300505
Well, if you are selling a HOUSE, I think that’s a definite sign from the Universe that you should be broken up. And stay broken up for a long time.
I wouldn’t live with anyone unless you’re married. This way if you break up you wouldn’t have to go through the hassle of selling a HOUSE. I can’t imagine all the work and angst of selling mine, and I’m not going through a break up.
As far as your sexuality goes, sexuality is so fluid. Don’t get hung up in defining yourself. You’ll never be able to do it (nor should you) and you’re only going to drive yourself crazy. I would go on lesbian dating apps and see if you would even like going there. I know you have a low libido, are picky about partners and that women are more work. But this way you’ll get that initial experimentation reconnaissance mission out of the way.
InkyJune 23, 2019 at 6:45 am #300393
I think you should view this person as a learning experience. I’m not crazy about long distance relationships in general, so I won’t make the case to be with him. What I do think is that you should date a local person who treats you with the dignity, honor and respect you deserve.
InkyJune 22, 2019 at 9:14 am #300349
You could have the best parents in the world and still crave a partner. You could also have the best partner in the world. But eventually the man (usually) dies before the woman does. So eventually you will again be alone.
I think humans in general spend AT LEAST twenty years on their own. Ten if they’re lucky.
So you might as well learn how to be happy, content, and self satisfied on your own!
Routines, reading, volunteer work, doing things you love, getting an animal, visiting your neighbors, events, clubs, gardening, worship, favorite shows, trips, meditation, family, crafting, art, music…… This list goes on!
InkyJune 21, 2019 at 4:33 am #300121
P.S. No, don’t meet her!June 21, 2019 at 4:32 am #300119
I think it’s a bit terrifying that you’ve been living with a man for a year and a half and you had no clue he had a daughter. I mean WHAT ELSE IS HE HIDING?? Even if this is his only backstory baggage, it shows that he could commit a murder, mail fraud, cheat on you, etc., etc., etc. and you would NEVER KNOW.
For me, THAT was a deal breaker! I would move out.
InkyJune 20, 2019 at 4:45 am #299929
Nothing creates distance like distance. If you live in the same town, move. If you live within an hour of each other, move. I know that’s not fair, but you will find your mental health improve in a dramatic way if you do.
Phone calls/texts: Limit how often you talk or respond. For one of my friends I s-l-o-w-l-y cut back to seeing that person once a year, talking on the phone once a month and responding to texts (limited one word/emoji answers!!) to once a week. Of course, you don’t tell them you’re doing this, and you don’t do this all at once. And yes, they hate it. And yes, there will be an eventual extinction burst where they act horridly horrid. But it’s totally worth it!!
Holidays: Break the family tradition and go away!! They will hate that, there will be guilt on all sides, but the first year is the hardest.
Read the classic book Boundaries by Townsend (I believe). It’s all about Assertiveness.
InkyJune 19, 2019 at 9:11 am #299823
I don’t know if he is The One. As there are many Ones. He does sound like a GOOD One!
Tell him that the other guy ruined it for you, and that if he doesn’t mind can you hang out as friends this summer. He will probably say “Yes” and treat you even better (to show you he’s not THAT guy!) and will be around in the fall. By then you will know your heart and give him a chance romantically. Or not!
InkyJune 18, 2019 at 6:19 am #299609
It sounds like your wife is already out of the marriage, it just isn’t legal yet. I think it’s noble and commendable you both want to be married for the sake of your daughter. Right now that is actually the right decision by her. But as she gets older, can you really live in limbo land like this?
InkyJune 17, 2019 at 10:00 am #299473
I don’t know if you’re checking back to read this thread.
Anyway, you need to redefine yourself! You parented two living children to adulthood! That is a big deal! The younger one sounds like three in one!! Listen, I raised a special needs child AND a “problem child”. They turned out great, and guess what? I’M TAKING ALL THE CREDIT!!! You are a Matriarch! Own it!!
As far as the social aspect, force yourself, as suggested above, to go to one Event a month. Sit in the back. Sit in the aisle. Duck out early. Whatever makes you most comfortable. After that, go to classes (in whatever!). After that, join a club. Yes, it’s SO CLICHE, but what else is there? And for all people knock religion, churches and temples do WONDERFUL things for the community. I have met the best, coolest people working for greater causes.
InkyJune 16, 2019 at 5:56 am #299357
It’s amazing that you admit you’re no angel to them either. Most people wouldn’t admit that or even realize that.
There’s a saying, “Seek sanctuary in politeness”. Meaning the more you go over there and are utterly polite, neutral, keep your mouth shut, are easy breezy, the situation should get better by small degrees.
Winnie-the-Pooh meme: “What do you say when someone gives you an empty honey pot and a popped balloon?”
Answer: “Thank You.”
InkyJune 15, 2019 at 9:48 am #299303
Well, let’s just say my rebound guys were “long weekend stands”. Those short summer vacation romances.
One guy I think may have been falling for me, but who knows? I was healing my own heartbreak and I really didn’t want to unwittingly do that to someone else. Was always very kind to him.
This was one summer between Junior and Senior year of college. I am mostly monogamous most of the time by nature. Culture is responsible for the rest of my monogamy. Loyal to the same person for a quarter of a century thank you very much!
InkyJune 15, 2019 at 9:40 am #299299
Didn’t you write that she had texted you asking if you could continue being friends… and you ignored her?
The girl made one mistake and everyone dropped her. Even, seemingly, you.
Some time has passed, but she could still be very defensive and feels judged by the world. She also associates you with that group, her mistake, and that time in her life. Her distance is her giving herself a little bit of dignity.
Give it time.
InkyJune 14, 2019 at 6:40 am #299107
Is your friend really wondering this? Why would you ask for her?
The truth is people DO use other people as a stepping stone to move on.
In fact, there is a saying among women that is: “The best way to move on from someone is to move under someone else”… to put it crassly.
I for one definitely used people as warm bodies to snap out of heartbreak when I was younger.
I just made sure none of them were in love with me.
InkyJune 13, 2019 at 6:10 am #298801
I would date youthful men in their fifties. They are mature, have had their kids (who are now grown) or will never have kids. At fifty a lot of them are in great shape and still look good. They will treat you better as they’re now wise enough to realize YOU are the catch.
I agree with looking outside the box for employment. Worst case scenario can you go back to India and live with your mom, or is that too much?
I’m sorry life is tough now. It’s helpful to think of life as a nonpersonal entity like the weather. It just is. It has nothing to do with your goodness or badness, worthiness or unworthiness. That’s what I do and it seems to piss life off even more that I shrug it off, but hey, you gotta laugh at it right?
- This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by Inky.