Forum Replies Created
February 15, 2019 at 5:24 am #280283
Reframe this. You are not ugly, your friend is conventionally attractive. Your friend is not beautiful per se, she is conventionally attractive. So your friend is conventionally attractive. Just because you’re surrounded by conventionally attractive people doesn’t mean you’re not beautiful. Once YOU deem YOURSELF as beautiful, you will carry yourself that way. Do you really want the attention of conventional boring people?
Warning: Once you convince yourself that you are beautiful, other people may get pissed off at your new gorgeous aura. “Who do you think you are?” attitudes from others will be signs that you are on the right path.
And then one day, BAM! One guy (or several) will think you are the most gorgeous, alluring creature they ever encountered. Other conventionally attractive females WILL get threatened. They will compete with you and try to steal your man. Other guys will get confused as their alpha brothers fight over you.
One day years from now you’ll look at pictures of you now and think, “Oh my God, I was so beautiful!”
It Happened to Me,
February 14, 2019 at 8:18 am #280159
- This reply was modified 1 day, 23 hours ago by Inky.
Be careful of rewarding people for bad behavior. It’s a slippery slope to people pleasing.
Your mom is probably critical of you because she wants the best for you, and would rather have you do things right the first time than have you be beat up by the world. Warped, huh? That, or she takes it all out on you and it’s become a bad habit.
I would let her be responsible for her own feelings.
P.S. I give my kids Valentine’s Day chocolate as a token, not the other way around, if that gives you context.
February 13, 2019 at 10:06 am #280027
- This reply was modified 2 days, 20 hours ago by Inky.
This is why we don’t date co-workers. The job lasts longer than the relationship, nine times out of ten. And then you have to see the person. Every. Day.
That is probably what she’s going through. It will never be the same. If she’s cold, it’s horrible because you work together. If she’s friendly she gives you false hope.
My advice? The best way to win her back is to get another job.
She’ll be all, “Wait. What?” and will have to proactively communicate with you and pursue you instead of this passive seeing you at the office so she doesn’t have to do any work dynamic.
And if it’s truly over, this way it will be over.
InkyFebruary 13, 2019 at 10:00 am #280023
If this is the same guy, it would take a lot of effort to effortlessly love him after admitting he took an ex girl friend home.
Just my Opine,
InkyFebruary 12, 2019 at 6:38 am #279851
It’s hard to cut family out of your life. I would visit them less, have them call you and then only have no more than fifteen minutes of basic politeness on the phone.
As for your boyfriend, have you considered that you might be the “toxic” one?
You tell him you want a non-monogamous relationship. He thinks “Oh great, another guy!” probably.
You say “I love you” but he doesn’t hear the sincerity in your voice. Or you don’t say those words at all.
You are keeping him around because there’s nothing else out there.
Please cast him loose. For his sake.
InkyFebruary 6, 2019 at 10:17 am #279007
I think this is extremely common. I always joke about those people who grow up together, go to college together, never leave town, and if they do, they move to Boston or London together. Then they marry their best friend’s old girlfriend who’s still in the group, of course. Yet I’m secretly jealous of that too. But if I never left town and had the same stagnant stalemate friendships, do you know how depressed I’d be? *shudder*
The remedy to crumbling ancient friendships is to make new vibrant ones. And maybe in ten or twenty years you’ll run into an old friend who has refreshingly changed.
InkyFebruary 5, 2019 at 11:10 am #278795
If I’m reading the time line correctly, it looks like he and his ex girlfriend who’s now a girlfriend again were with the friend group before you. It’s THEIR group! I know, it’s infuriating!
I’ve been “erased” before, but trust me, the Group Scribes will always remember you, and who knows? They may tell the tale one day of The One That Got Away. YOU! Ten years from now you may be remembered as His Great Love. At any rate, it’s time to carry yourself that way!
You have some choices. Keep the friend group and set the record straight in a classy way. AND/OR ditch them all and form a friend group of your very own.
How to be a Classy Truth Teller: Forget THE GROUP as a whole. Pick one friend or couple from THE GROUP and invite them to dinner or a party. They may assume the rest of THE GROUP is at the get together and will soon realize that they are the chosen ones among YOUR group of people. People who adore you. People they’ve never met.
Introduce them to your friend “Magnus”. Tell them, “Don’t tell (name of your ex) about Magnus yet OK? I think this has to come from me. I’m very fond of (name) and he’ll always have a place in my heart, but I had to end it that summer, you know.” In short, present yourself as if YOU are the one that got away! (You are!)
InkyFebruary 4, 2019 at 12:14 pm #278631
They probably want you to call them all the time BECAUSE they only saw you a few times a year. It’s called guilt. And making up for lost time.
But let me tell you, even if they were the best parents in the world, your dad was out of line when he threw a tantrum when your boyfriend politely avoided his invasive questions.
Your parents will never approve of any boyfriend. It could be “race”, “money” or whatever. But the REAL reason is that it is proof that you are living your own life just fine without them.
I wouldn’t let your parents meet any future boyfriends. And elope if you get married. They won’t behave. Only bring your husband around them. He’ll be a done deal.
InkyFebruary 2, 2019 at 11:15 am #278263
You have to do a Jedi mind trick with yourself now. Reframe it: He blocked you before you could dump him. YES, you had every reason to dump him. He was expecting it because he knew he was being such a jerk. He was just being Proactively Defensive.
Don’t be surprised if he unblocks you and even contacts you later.
Please be strong if this happens. Don’t respond. You have to teach people how to treat you. No more allowing disrespect!
InkyFebruary 1, 2019 at 4:43 am #277991
What will probably happen is ONE DAY your middle sister will get herself in a big, grown-up situation where she simply cannot talk about it with the baby sister. YOU will be the one she runs to if a guy dumps her, gets her pregnant or is bad to her. YOU will be the one she runs to when she has trouble in a job, can’t hack the university, or has a health scare. Then you will bond by trauma, like soldiers do.
Also, you shouldn’t care what a high schooler or a university aged student thinks or is doing. They are simply not ready to join you in the grown up world yet. Let them have fun together. That easy time will change soon enough, as we know.
InkyJanuary 31, 2019 at 11:41 am #277907
Either you grew and he didn’t or… he’s regressing. You didn’t plan for a child. He could be acting out.
Like, “Well, if I’m going to have the responsibilities of a 30 year old, I may as well enjoy myself like a teenager!”
Unfortunately, that looks like he’s stalled in life to most of the world.
I would seriously drop the rope in the relationship. He’s not a bad person, he just doesn’t know how to be a quality person. Instead of arguing with him, I would move out (if living together) and let your relationship with him fade while leaving the door literally open for him to see your child. Tell him that you’d rather enjoy his company than be irritated with him.
And then find a grown up to marry if you decide to.
InkyJanuary 30, 2019 at 5:53 am #277721
One of my family members did EDMR. He didn’t regress, but it does bring up a lot of old stuff. Just because things come up for you to process doesn’t mean you should recreate the past to get through the initial trauma. That can be a thin line that’s easy to go over.
And sure, your niece did it, but since she’s younger she might have had less stuff to process.
I would take a break from it myself.
InkyJanuary 29, 2019 at 10:02 am #277599
I could understand sleeping in the mom’s bed when his father died if he was younger. And only until the initial shock wears off. Perhaps weeks for a child or a day or two for a teenager. But come on. Obviously the sheets are washed, so the smell thing is nonsense. Is he like, UNDER the covers with his mom, or is this more of a suicide watch scenario? Where he sleeps fully clothed over the covers at night to make sure his mom is still alive in the morning? There is a difference!
Either way, I would back away slowly until you are out of sight then high tail it outta there!
InkyJanuary 27, 2019 at 7:18 am #277161
Sometimes people act three times more horrible than the horrible thing which has happened to them so that the original horrible thing stops. And it has. She won. She got her wish. He won’t leave his young family because the emotional abuse they witness towards him and experience isn’t worth his relationship with you.
They rightly or wrongly built a family together. The ends justify the means. The wife used that strategy and mindset to keep the family together. It worked. She won.
Your job now is to gracefully go off into the sunset.
InkyJanuary 26, 2019 at 11:04 am #277051
Yes, I agree. A few short years ago you were a young guy with few responsibilities, relatively care free.
Now with a baby, you are the first and last line of defense. In short, you are now a grown up.
Welcome to our ranks! Your first responsibility is, ironically, to your own health.
Go to a doctor and/or a councilor.