Forum Replies Created
October 20, 2018 at 8:36 am #232123
I am super late to this party but I will say this:
Your Ex reads to me as a troubled stalker.
Your new fiancé (?)/old friend broke up with you over “nothing” but methinks it’s really over Something (the energy from the old relationship that you guys aren’t really talking about. (And why would she want to talk about it? Any woman has her dignity!)).
There are children involved, yes? For THEIR sakes at least, hold off on moving in and marriage. There is the crazy harpy energy of the past around you. What would the Ex do when she knows for sure you are getting married? What would YOU do? Sure, keep dating the new girl/old friend, but honestly? My advise is to stay single, cut off all stalkers, and be alone. At least until the Ex gets bored of you and the old friend’s children are grown.
InkyOctober 19, 2018 at 5:00 pm #232061
Hi Feathering my nest,
I going to warn you, I’m not gonna lie: He WILL come back to you. He will come back and give out “feelers”. NOT to necessarily get back together with you, but for a self esteem boost.
YOUR best bet is to say (whether he asks you or not) an easy breezy, “You had your chance, sweetie!” and a passing “Hey there, little buddy!”, a head noogie (preferably in public as if he is your kid brother), and a dash (ONE) of him seeing flowers/cards/texts/messages to you from other guys. And then you have to get off the phone or leave in fifteen minutes. (He’ll put two and two together that you are nobody’s backburner).
Leave him alone for at least a year. When (yes, when) he comes back to see how you “are”, give a smirk and an eyeroll, and tell HIM, “Babe, last summer was such a mistake, PLEASE don’t get the wrong idea” as if you dumped HIM.
Maybe, just maybe, in a few years he’ll be kicking himself, and then you can give him another chance. If you’re not with someone by then. (You will be).
October 18, 2018 at 12:08 pm #231731
- This reply was modified 1 day, 6 hours ago by Inky.
This is all part of growing up, it sounds like. It is up to HER to ditch this guy, become more sure of herself, and to keep up with her studies. Because a mature person knows that they are Number One and to not let some guy mess with her head or keep her from concentrating on her goals.
InkyOctober 17, 2018 at 7:35 am #231499
So it’s more that you want it every day and he’s a once a week person? Or is it closer to you would be happy for once a week and he’s once a month? Or worse! Is he Asexual?
Asexuality is a thing. There are people out there believe it or not who just don’t think about, want, or care for sex.
One other explanation is medical. A guy in his thirties should not be “tired” unless he’s a day laborer working twelve hour shifts or something LOL.
InkyOctober 17, 2018 at 7:27 am #231497
The socio-economic class difference aside, after three years in… ANY couple would run into stressors.
Three years in, most people are dancing around the idea of “marriage” and “forever”… even if they never verbally express it. It is possible that he is freaking out. He might want relief from this inner (and unspoken outer, even if imaginary) pressure and start picking fights about anything.
It’s good you are on a break. I think he is unconsciously self-sabotaging himself in the relationship.
Hang in There!
InkyOctober 16, 2018 at 7:19 am #231309
Being turned down by a guy is tough because in our culture the common thought is “Guys want it all the time”. But guess what? You just have a higher sex drive than he does (right now). In another ten years he could be the one whose sex drive is higher than yours if yours goes down. Who knows? I would not take that personally at all.
As for being giving in the bedroom, maybe your guy views sex as more of a physical release than as an elaborate exchange.
I don’t know, maybe buy some sex books with fun new techniques (for him to make you happy) or go to a store for toys. I recommend The Kama Sutra. I think you will find that quite satisfying… for both of you! 😉
October 14, 2018 at 10:09 am #230923
- This reply was modified 4 days, 16 hours ago by Inky.
It is a blessing he broke up with you. This was bound to happen. You can’t remain sequestered from half of the human race forever.
NOW you get to have one true friend (this other guy) and you can build your friend group from there. Hint: Bond with his friends.
InkyOctober 13, 2018 at 6:53 am #230659
I’ve never read or heard that in black and white terms. And if it’s only true for the monastic life, remember! People usually have full lives before they make the decision to enter a monastery! Not everyone on the planet becomes a monk!
InkyOctober 12, 2018 at 11:58 am #230553
My heart goes out to you.
Is it possible that this girl is NOT the true love of his life and he just had a post-marriage freak out?
I would send those explicit photos to her parents anonymously, no matter how old she is. (I know someone who did that and that affair ended PRETTY QUICK!) She will blame him (or rightfully crawl into a hole in shame), he will blame you (if he dares) and you say that there must be a LOT of other guys she’s sending those photos to as you are too busy with two small children to keep his harpy mistress in line. And she will NEVER see him again without crawling into a shame ball. And then nothing will happen. And then she will never see him again.
Did it ever get physical or is it just some skanky hoe sending him pictures and he just likes the attention? Have you confronted him about it? If it’s just an emotional affair your children deserve to have their father in their life rather than some girl having him in hers.
P.S. If there are explicit photos, how “emotional” can it be? Shut that down before it turns physical.
October 11, 2018 at 9:24 am #230377
- This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by Inky.
Of course you feel anxiety! You moved to his country and he’s willing to see you again. Then he says he wants to marry you. Meanwhile he “doesn’t like you” and you have to spend a night or two alone because there’s no room. My goodness, anyone would feel anxious!
Are you LOCAL in his country relative to him? Or will this be another long distance relationship within the country? Are you certain he won’t feel stalked and that you moved here just for him? (Did you?)
Well, see how the trip goes, THEN deal with your inner state!
October 10, 2018 at 11:20 am #230199
- This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by Inky.
It’s possible he had been having trouble with his old email and has a new one now!
InkyOctober 8, 2018 at 10:01 am #229757
The good news is that as your child gets older, it will be more common to throw a kids party. If asked, say, “Of course, you are welcome, but my parents might be there and it’s children’s party.” They can take her (and the family!) out to dinner OR they can babysit her for a weekend and celebrate with her then.
I’m a child of divorce, and this is how I handled it with the grandparents.
InkyOctober 8, 2018 at 9:48 am #229751
The thing to internalize is that you will be fine (and are fine!) whether your boyfriend leaves you or not. That if a skanky ho steals your man, that he let himself be stolen and that there’s something wrong with him if he is attracted to skanky hos. That no woman is woman enough to take your man. And if it ever appears that way, then those are not real women but skanky hos that only loser men are attracted to, and that just means he is not ready for YOU, the Next Level of his life! And that if he dares to mess up that you won’t have any trouble dumping him and choosing the most likely guy already waiting in the wings for you.
This you have to internalize.
The first step is to remain silent about your crazy fears and complaints. So you hold your head up and enjoy him!
October 7, 2018 at 9:01 am #229535
- This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by Inky.
I’m so sorry you went through this. The world is full of people with problems. None of us are perfect, but expecting someone not to be a sociopathic controlling abuser isn’t too much to ask.
The prank calls? The magazines? The veiled threats? Those are all just childish reactions from a man-child towards someone who dared to leave him and is doing quite fine without him. Don’t worry. He’ll move onto his next victim one day. But be warned. You are in the back of his mind when he’s outraged or bored. Any way to move and keep it a secret for a year or two of peace? (I know it won’t be a secret for long.)
What helped me with my stalker was the presence of another man. Have a friend or male cousin scare the crap out of him.
Now that you know what you won’t accept, there is now more room for what is acceptable. Don’t back down, and never compromise. It’s better to be alone than go through that again.
InkyOctober 5, 2018 at 5:33 am #229163
P.S. The next time they see you, you then say,”….I still can’t get over that chicken comment you made in front of the WHOLE FAMILY. You must be really embarrassed. I can’t believe you said that….”
Then bring it up Every. Time. For. Thirty. Years. For. Every. Insult.
Believe me. You will be THAT relative. And it will feel great.