Forum Replies Created
January 16, 2018 at 7:16 pm #187097
Can’t sleep! Another thought!
I saw a documentary a long time ago (on Netflix??) about the evolution of a hippie commune back in the 60’s. Free Love and all that. Anyway, I had a good chuckle when people were getting genuinely UPSET (a few years later in the early 70’s now) that people were starting to couple up, have pair bondings, and didn’t want the free love threesomes as much (or any more!).
Another study was about kibbutzes. Not free love but with this communal living idea. The children would be raised in a house with all the other children and they would occasionally see the parents. Well over the decades guess what happened? People NATURALLY drifted back to family first, commune second living.
People NATURALLY prefer MOST of the time two partner households. End of story. Family first. Others a distant second.
Hope that helps!
InkyJanuary 16, 2018 at 6:56 pm #187095
Just some thoughts quickly…
People are mostly monogamous most of the time. True, we are not like birds or wolves, some of whom mate for life as a biological mandate. That said, open relationships most of the time IS unnatural, it IS unevolved, it breeds too much jealousy (the swingers claim up and down that only the unevolved are jealous, I call bull s***!). It’s good you listen to your HIGHER self that WISELY tells you it’s WRONG for 99.99% of humanity, including YOU (and even them). Truly. Of course, some married couples have, do and will mess around, but it is kept very occasional, and very secret because the state of the household and the well being of the children take precedent over some mistress/Casanova.
End of Rant, going to turn in!
InkyJanuary 16, 2018 at 5:26 am #186975
A good start would be to change things like your Username. By naming yourself “Nobody” you are reinforcing the thought that you don’t exist, and so view yourself through that filter. Of course you think everyone’s ignoring you if you think you don’t exist! Know what I mean?
Change your Thoughts!
InkyJanuary 15, 2018 at 9:41 am #186807
Snapping at your loved ones is a bad habit. Yes, it probably originated in your youth, but the truth is, this is ENTIRELY within your control. View it as a bad habit to break and something you should be more mindful about.
Being in a secret relationship with your best friend who is also a business partner would make me cranky, too LOL. If it doesn’t work out, the business could suffer and your friendship could as well! I see you two ultimately getting married or eventually breaking up. There is no in between. At the very least shout the relationship from the rooftops! You exist, and your relationship does too.
InkyJanuary 14, 2018 at 9:42 am #186589
Isn’t it always that way??? This is akin to the creepy uncle who did inappropriate things. But then it’s the niece’s fault for “not getting over it” years later.
People tend to rally around the abuser (or in your case inappropriate brothers).
In one website (Captain Awkward dot com) they call people like your brothers The Missing Stairs. We’re supposed to walk around or jump over The Missing Stairs instead of fixing it. If other people invariably get injured it’s THEIR fault!
Tell your family Redemption comes before Forgiveness. And you know what, SHOW UP with your family to their holidays. Let it be awkward. REVEL in the family awkwardness.
Let it be Awkward,
InkyJanuary 13, 2018 at 6:49 am #186461
Your ecstatic emotions and the other girl’s suicidal lows are both part of bipolar disorder. Not to say you can’t love deeply with bipolar, but the emotions tend to be extreme. It also sounds like your new love can’t handle the massive emotions either.
It’s best if you both stay away from each other for now as it looks like you are feeding off each other.
My second thought is I don’t like how these two women are trying to manipulate you.
First of all, your ex shouldn’t continue to ARGUE that the breakup isn’t valid. Your “NO” is enough. You are broken up, whether she wants it or not.
Secondly, your non posting of the new love on social media shouldn’t put her in downward suicidal spiral.
Take a break from these two.
InkyJanuary 12, 2018 at 5:10 am #186295
You ARE the Protagonist in your own story! Your friend knows it, too. I think it’s wonderful, actually, that you are opposites and have this friendship. Aside from the quality psychotherapist, continue your friendship, don’t read too much into it, and enjoy it!
InkyJanuary 11, 2018 at 4:33 am #186099
I would tell him that you are dating other people. You can still date him as well! He will be stunned, stymied and might possibly lash out. But once he realizes that you are seeing other people who might treat you better, and heck, might even BE better, he could very well try to clean up his act.
Just say you want to have fun and be happy in your relationship with him and the way to do that is to keep it light, occasional and casual. That the relationship can become more serious as HE becomes more serious about getting help.
Of course, he could get very, very angry at this and break up with you. But that’s just as well, isn’t it?
Treating people well, and treating people badly is a habit. It’s time for him to get used to treating you with respect.
InkyJanuary 10, 2018 at 5:57 am #185917
Can you take a break from him for a year while dating other men? The time and the experience of being with (mostly) good guys (some might be better) will give you a perspective and distance that you so desperately need! You can stay in the son’s life… as an old family friend. But this BF? The women? Nope!
InkyJanuary 9, 2018 at 4:40 am #185709
Your BF sounds like a lovable, yet clueless dude. He is just “there”. Except he’s not even “there” because you guys are long distance. I don’t know why but we’re getting A LOT of long distance relationship questions. Do people even date locally anymore?? LOL
Anyway, I give the same advice: You can’t really change someone into feeling or being a certain way. (Some people seem to be able to. We’re not those people though.) And long distance relationships seldom work out.
Find a nice boy in the college you’re at!
InkyJanuary 8, 2018 at 7:17 am #185583
It was wise to let him go. Long distance relationships seldom work out. Young love seldom lasts forever. So you had those two hindrances right off the bat.
My attitude is it shouldn’t be that hard. My other attitude is there are plenty of boys right in your own area that would LOVE to be with you and that you would have zero drama with.
InkyJanuary 7, 2018 at 6:25 am #185415
I agree with Miranda’s suggestion, especially the last part on how to powerfully and gracefully end it.
Just say, “I can’t take someone seriously who “Likes” photos from all these girls going back years.”
Then when he (tries to) dismiss your concerns, shake your head like he’s a little brother you feel sorry for and dismiss him.
InkyJanuary 6, 2018 at 5:05 am #185317
It is true, long distance relationships generally don’t work out. And if they do, then you’re physically “kind of together but not really”. You do need someone local!
The other issue is you are combining sub-worlds. When I combine sub-worlds, I always seem to come to grief. Keep your gaming friends in the game, your work friends at work, and don’t invite your neighbors to the family holidays, etc., etc.!
Work on your compartmentalization skills! There is no way your gaming friend turned boyfriend drama should have ruined a real life job interview!
As for this guy, I’m sorry the soured relationship ruined your game. Find another game, block the boy, and find local guys!
InkyJanuary 5, 2018 at 5:26 am #185173
Maybe the “tiny bump” wasn’t as tiny as you thought. Sometimes people can inadvertently kill the love. If he disappointed you, called you names, etc. that could tarnish that “in love” feeling you used to experience.
But even if he was perfectly perfect, we humans only experience that “in love” euphoria for about a year or so. Then it levels out into simply Love, which is real and longer lasting.
Hope this helps!
InkyJanuary 4, 2018 at 5:40 am #184975
Here’s a dirty little secret: Not everyone is meant to go to college (!)
Clearly, college/university is not for him. They don’t want him. He doesn’t want it.
But then people think on the other spectrum is jail/homelessness/death.
My Real World Practical Suggestion for him is: The Military. He can’t sleep in. He will get yelled at. He will get the dominant male presences he so desperately needs. He will be paid. He will suffer Consequences. And he will (eventually) come home a real man, and motivated.
Then there is trade schools and simply working in a shop.
College AGE (18-22) is the time to study, travel, explore, and live his dreams. Right now he is living the dream: that of his mother and sisters worrying about him and taking care of him.
At the age of 23 I would stop enabling him and would frankly work on your mother more than on him. He will be too old for the local gangs and will probably become homeless or get an enabling girlfriend.
But my instincts are saying: The Military.