Forum Replies Created
September 20, 2017 at 4:33 am #169443
No wonder you’re depressed: You live with a guy that isn’t very nice, you’re both living with a relative, you had a termination, and the relationship itself is getting old.
What would living by yourself as a single person look like?
I’m envisioning you free, fulfilled and happy.
It’s not that you need a shrink to help you deal with your anger. It’s more like you need to shake up your life so you have nothing to be angry about.
InkySeptember 19, 2017 at 4:38 am #169256
Unfortunately, some people never get over it. It’s easy to say “Get over it” and the other person may agree 100% and would absolutely love to get over it. But they can’t. Your fella seeing the ex and her new hubby is too much for him. There’s too much hurt.
Heck, I’m still traumatized by a situation that happened ten years ago and I was never married to the people but you can bet I avoid even the possibility of being in the same room as them like the plague. When you see certain people you just want to crawl out of your skin. It’s horrible.
This is human nature.
The best you can do is to gently remind him that one day he will have to go to his daughter’s graduation and possibly her wedding and any future grandbabies’ baptisms. That he WILL see his ex there. And what will he do? How will he handle it? What is his plan?
Then you have to decide what you are willing to deal with. You really don’t have to stay with this man. It’s easier, frankly, to find a young guy with NO “baggage”.
InkySeptember 18, 2017 at 11:24 am #169222
Is your friend a trained therapist? No, of course not! Sometimes we do not know what to say or we say the wrong thing. Or we don’t say enough about a thing or we can’t stop talking about a thing.
Now, my best friend said to me when we were younger, “You think too much” which is a similar statement you received. I realized then and there, “Hey! Maybe I do think to much!” My friend is not perfect and we’ve butted heads over the years, but I did not view her statement as unsupportive. If it was, it was probably due to her own fatigue or her own problems she was immersed in.
Sometimes (especially in texts!) it’s best to take statements at face value.
Remember, the only perfect person that ever lived was Jesus Christ. And only if you believe in that. Know what I mean? Give your friend a break.
InkySeptember 17, 2017 at 8:59 am #169010
This is what you should do (I am infuriated on your behalf, by the way!):
Tell her that she CAN meet this other guy, but that YOU will be there with her. At least find out when and where this meeting will take place. Then YOU show up, even with the two kids in tow. Or YOU meet Mr. Wonderful alone. Additionally, inform your wife that YOU will accompany her on all her business trips from now on. That’s what I would do if my husband acted like this. Meaning, I would not go quietly into the night!
You have too many children for her to play games like this. Sure, she can run off, but you’re NOT going to make it easy for her. She has to EARN her way out! No more purgatory.
I predict that when she meets Mr. Wonderful, she will see that you are so much more than he is and nothing will come of it.
Shame on her!
InkySeptember 16, 2017 at 6:59 am #168902
Money is not everything. I vote for staying in Argentina until the boys are adults. Then move to France.
I knew a guy who was a continent away from his child and he had the best of intentions about seeing him a lot but in actuality it only happened a few times. Between the finances and the mother and how life paraded on, before he knew it years had gone by.
In the meantime, can you possibly move out? It must be hard seeing her date other people.
Anyway, I vote for staying.
InkySeptember 15, 2017 at 4:55 am #168728
Anytime! 🙂September 15, 2017 at 4:32 am #168724
I have three kids, and I would never have traded any one of their existences for some guy. Yes, even That Guy. Yes, even The One That Got Away.
There are ways of dealing with Those Guys. Have them as lovers. Have them as your Muse. But have the kids. You can have them with or without a guy these days, you know?
Not that this comparison even comes close, but I had to make the heartbreaking choice of keeping either my cat or an allergic fella. No heartbreak here. I chose the cat.
InkySeptember 14, 2017 at 7:33 pm #168706
These extroverted life of the party people sure are a lot of fun… at parties! But their everyday lives can be sad. Really. My DH would be temporarily dazzled by these types of girls, and then it would (always!) later come out that they were alcoholics, divorced three times, debt ridden, desperate for the male gaze, or at the very least extremely unhappy. Then I’d swoop in the minute he found out, all brazen with my normal life, daring thick frame and baffling financial stability and say with genuine pity “Poor Party Girl!”
Worst case scenario is she really is perfect and he really is interested. The good news? You don’t have to worry. She won’t even look at mere mortals.
Hire a hot extroverted personal trainer to keep BF on his toes! Don’t forget to Like the trainer on Face Book! If that doesn’t cast Party Girl away from his thoughts, nothing will!
September 14, 2017 at 5:03 am #168610
- This reply was modified 6 days, 9 hours ago by Inky.
I think most people think like this, so you are by no means alone!
Well, what if you were single for the rest of your life? Many people are and are totally happy. Also, you ironically have more room for romances if you are unattached. As long as you have friends, family, a good livelihood, and some sort of community around you, you will be fine!
And it’s totally normal to fantasize about people. It’s just another “bone” for the mind to chew on. If you weren’t ruminating about that, it would likely be something else.
You’ll be fine, and will probably find someone!
InkySeptember 13, 2017 at 4:30 am #168500
He either has become what he truly is, and you should feel happy for him. OR, the authentic him is still there, and you can one day reconnect with him reminiscent of the old days.
But right now he is in his transition phase. He is trying to finally be a gay man in high school while he can. Also, he is protecting his feelings because he knew you wouldn’t be interested in him.
I’ve found that with fading friendships in high school is that one day decades from now, you do meet up again. And then you can re-bond, joyfully, as full grown adults.
InkySeptember 12, 2017 at 4:33 am #168370
Hi Desiree (and Jay! LOL, sorry, I couldn’t read all that you wrote, but I’ll try to talk to you, too!)
All I can say is WOW!! You (and Jay) must be brilliant if you are a med student (and a law student) and still have time to complain about your boyfriend(s)!
What would happen if you told the guy that HE wasn’t a first priority? No offense, fella, but you’re the one who has to get through school!
I honestly wouldn’t take anything he does personally as he is young. Unless you’re going to marry the guy (you might not!), the mission of becoming a doctor (or lawyer) comes first. Once you are solidly in those professions, then you can revisit whether you want a relationship, and with whom.
My son is in a service academy and even he broke up with his girlfriend because there was “no time” and he can’t be distracted.
I would view having a boyfriend as optional.
InkySeptember 11, 2017 at 5:22 am #168266
Austin is right here!
Listen, it is SO unusual for college couples to be together after college that most people don’t even try to make it happen. Some relationships are for a certain time and place in your life (college).
DUMP HIM, because you have become “That Girl”. The girl who is long distance. The girl that hounds the guy for a commitment. The girl who resents him because he is just getting better and better and she’s just the girl from Chicago (or wherever you’re from) that he knew in college.
DON’T move to his city. That is even more pathetic (to the eyes of the guy). Heck, if my college boyfriend did that I’d have moved!!
You don’t even have to formally end things. Just stop taking his texts and calls. Let him worry about you for a little. Then, THREE weeks later, FINALLY text him back and simply say, “I’ve met someone.” That’s it. Then let him live in an echo-chamber. “Hello? Hello? Can we talk about this? Hello? Well, I wish you the best, LOL. Hello?”
InkySeptember 11, 2017 at 5:08 am #168260
It’s counter-intuitive, I know.
At the end of the day, I was still sitting alone, behind a desk, talking to people who didn’t know me IRL. And then if you try to start a community you think, things like, “How many people visited my page? Why is this other person online more successful than me? Why am I doing this?”
I think if you’re already connected IRL, then an online presence makes sense. But even if you do get an online community, unless you have a following big enough for city meet-ups, you will never meet any of your people IRL.September 10, 2017 at 9:06 am #168116
Hi monkey mind,
I started creating an online presence a few years ago and believe it or not, it sometimes made me feel even more isolated.
It sounds like you want real human contact. Places of worship are great places for that. They tend to do outreach programs so you can help people, have groups for parents, have dinners, etc. Even if you believe in “nothing” there are Unitarian churches.
The next best bet is your town’s rec center or community center.
As for online, it is so much easier to join a forum/community that already exists. No need to recreate the wheel.
InkySeptember 9, 2017 at 10:52 am #168044
You don’t want to be with him right now, even if he does come back. The fact that he ended things (no matter what his reasons) says it all.
If he comes back (he will) say that YOU are taking a break. For HIS sake, as well as for yours.
You are giving him the gift of Time, so he can be stronger.