Forum Replies Created
April 23, 2019 at 12:39 pm #290265
All that department head powers have gone to his head.
What I would do is shake that medical diagnosis around at him. When he calls, “*shake, shake* my blood tests say my (MS-Lyme-fibro-sickle-cell-Graves) disease is acting up and I am unavailable to answer texts/calls from the university between the hours of 6PM and 9AM.” Even a crazy department head horror show won’t go after a medically compromised student. A student with a blog. (hint). A student who writes letters to the Editor. (double hint). Well, that’s just me.
Can you be buddies with, THE PRESIDENT of the Uni? Easy to meet. Go to one of their fund raisers. He and the department head will be there and wonder if you are actually an heir. Once THE PRESIDENT knows your name, mention casually your troubles with a professor without naming any names. He will quickly put two and two together and the calls/inappropriate meeting times/etc. will cease.
Claiming your power will inevitably lessen your anxiety once you see that you do have control over your life. Once you’ve conquered the big bad department head, you’ll know you can handle anyone.
Write that thesis!
InkyApril 21, 2019 at 5:14 am #290019
I am so sorry. I have been there. It’s almost my story.
Only crappy people will try to drive a wedge between a parent and a child. Glad Kay is gone. (She is, right?)
Guys are dopes, they are quick to propose. Your mom sounds immature. Sorry, mom!
Hopefully your mom is just immature and the guy is not crappy.
It DOES get better. I promise you!
There is one bright side to this engagement that your aren’t seeing yet because you are so young. When your mom gets sick, HE is the one who will be there. She is less likely to be broke, or in trouble because HE will be there to take care of it. What can happen is mothers and only daughters can get so entwined that by the time you’re my age you would have no life. At least they’ll have each other, so YOU will be free to travel, move, etc.
It will be OK. Your mom should have broken the news a lot better.
April 20, 2019 at 1:19 pm #289995
- This reply was modified 2 days, 10 hours ago by Inky.
You might be outgrowing your long distance relationship. Do you see him at least a few times a year in person? Seems a little untenable to me.
InkyApril 19, 2019 at 5:43 am #289721
Answer yourself this question honestly: If you lost your job, would he contact YOU?
Sometimes we all need “little hurts” to get us to where we need to be.
If he lost his job and is wondering where all his friends (or just you) are, a rogue thought, “Maybe I should have treated them better” should cross his mind. GOOD!
So knowing this, the next time you run into him, say, “Hey buddy, how’s the job search going? Let me know if I can be of any help!”
InkyApril 19, 2019 at 4:58 am #289717
What would happen if you dropped the rope? Let him call and try to get together with YOU!
The next time you run into him say, “Hey, buddy, where’ve you been? Call me sometime!”
This subtly puts you in the power position, implying HE has to do some (all?) of the work towards this friendship now.
And closure? No one can give us closure. Only WE can give ourselves closure.
Hope this helps!
InkyApril 18, 2019 at 8:03 am #289567
If it makes you feel better, I’m sure she will always have a special place in her heart for you, the father of her children.
If you truly have unconditional love for her, like two soap opera characters, I’m also sure there could (theoretically) be a second chance. But even soap operas let a good ten years (in real time) go by before bringing their stars back together in matrimony.
Let her date other people. Let her have her freedom after the divorce. Then (and I’m talking in the year 2030, when everyone’s good and old) you can, perhaps, revisit.
Keep on being a good dad!
InkyApril 17, 2019 at 7:51 am #289429
Surely the rest of the family doesn’t think she’s an angel. What I would do is to say to those people individually, “I’m going to miss the big family reunion/holiday, but I want to see YOU! Let’s get together!” You can be very honest with them. Tell them you literally cannot hand the evil MIL, that you have anxiety. (This will get back to her. Let it.) In fact, you can solicit THEIR help in dealing with her. They can be your backup and your buffer when you’re around her. Also ALWAYS have your own ride out so you’re never ever trapped at an event.
Your husband should have his own relationship with his mother and see her alone. He can be honest with her. “You stress my wife out.”
And, P.S. you CAN move! Half an hour in the opposite direction of his job from where she lives. Fifty minutes is a bigger pain in the azz for her than twenty when it comes to tormenting you.
InkyApril 16, 2019 at 5:28 am #289223
If it were me I’d reply to his text on HIS birthday, with, “Right back at you, little buddy!” with a maddingly *wink* emoticon or the *cool* emoticon with the sunglasses
It’s good to be polite, but it’s also empowering when you realize you don’t HAVE to be!
InkyApril 15, 2019 at 9:48 am #289123
It sounds like he was trying to wear you down after the 12,345,678 time he lured you into his place to drink/eat/cuddle.
Saying to someone that she is a turn off because she doesn’t want to have sex is a turnoff. This man is not a rocket scientist.
And then INSISTING (on multiple occasions) that you have to come inside and they won’t go outside is just boundary busting, clear and simple.
Well, he has found out that you are NOT an easy lay, and that he will have to work to get you. The fact that he hasn’t is proof enough that he is not worthy of you. (Not the other way around, which is what your weasel brains would want you to think.)
No need for texting or calling,
InkyApril 14, 2019 at 12:20 pm #289027
I wouldn’t necessarily cut out all sex, but I would mix it up.
One night you have your period/cramps. A couple weeks later you surprise him by taking him to a game. A few weeks after that you invite people over so he has to be at least a little bit charming, then go to bed (no sex). A month after that take him out to dinner but then say you’re not in the mood you just want to cuddle.
Basically throw in some normal couple stuff and see what happens.
It sounds like he is super comfortable with you. Maybe too comfortable?
InkyApril 13, 2019 at 8:18 am #288927
P.S. If it makes you feel any better I have to go to a place where I KNOW I will be triggered.
I put new bumper stickers on my car of my children’s colleges and service academies (so the first car they see pulling in or leaving is MINE and I have done a great job, thank you!)
I will lay out my perfect outfit the night before
I will eat a full meal before I get there
I will hang out in strategic places so I won’t run into certain people
I will seek sanctuary in politeness when/if confronted by my trigger
I have “taken that important phone call”/fled when seeing them. And I’d do it again.
But I will do my job god dam it!April 13, 2019 at 8:11 am #288925
I have felt the seemingly “irrational” anxiety.
What I have done is to seek sanctuary in my routines. For the store I ALWAYS go to the same one at the same time when I KNOW I won’t run into people. I have my favorite and least favorite cashiers.
I also have pat answers and strategies for when people *shudder* TALK to me.
“How are you?” = “Good”/”Good how are you?”/”OMG, the weather! Am I right!?”
For the Uber, again, the routine. Get one at predictable times. Sing a certain calming song while waiting.
Become a pro at online shopping.
Have a set date to go with friends to shop, and get your hair done.
Sit in the back or in an aisle seat. If things get too much, go to the bathroom or the “I have to take this” phone call.
Get a counselor that specializes in anxiety when you can. And/or get strategies from the internet.
Also, people are NOT looking at you or judging. You know that intellectually, right? People are so freaking self-absorbed it’s crazy.
All the best,
InkyApril 12, 2019 at 5:24 am #288843
There are many reasons not to Kiss and Tell. Hurting another person needlessly is one of them. You see, you did not HAVE to tell him. In a few years you will see that a high school kiss (even when you have a boyfriend) is, in fact, nothing/”nothing”. Your old boyfriend “forgiving” you yet “never trusting you again” is giving you a head trip.
Also, you would probably have broken up by now anyway. These summer romances between high school and college rarely work out.
Enjoy your nice new boyfriend who probably won’t cheat on you.
YOU DESERVE IT!
InkyApril 11, 2019 at 11:37 am #288739
Answer yourself the question: What if he DIDN’T love you? Honestly answer that. How would you cope? What would you do? Travel along that potential timeline.
You will see that a few years in, YOU WOULD BE FINE.
Your boyfriend wakes up one day and says to you, “I can’t do this.” Having traveled that potential timeline you would reply, with confidence, compassion and clarity, “I understand. I wish you well.”
Meditate on THAT. Now you can live fully and joyfully. And be irresistible, by the way.
P.S. Men at fifty go through the typical dramas of half-grown children and work. At 65 he’ll be fine. If you’re willing to wait that long.April 10, 2019 at 7:41 am #288457
She is not accepting the marriage proposal. I know this is bad news.
What I would do is to let her go. Let her come to you from now on. Don’t chase her. And unapologetically date other people if you’re up for it.
“You will always be special to me” is code for “I am breaking up with you”.