Forum Replies Created
July 21, 2017 at 4:46 am #159332
That is a nice meditation!
People most often write in the forums a query for community feedback. Is there anything you want to know?
And Welcome! Glad to have you! 🙂
InkyJuly 20, 2017 at 6:05 am #159122
This is my outlook coming as a parent with a rising Senior in college:
Your parents managed to take care of themselves very well even long before you were born. Only they know about their true financial situation, their comfort with it and their stress level over it. For example you couldn’t imagine living on 50K a year. However, they’re so used it that it doesn’t faze them.
They also have a mentality a lot of my peers do. Which is “So what else is the money for?” Of course they don’t want to worry you about paying for college. That is “their job” and believe it or not they are happy to do it! Once you are through school they can truly say “We were good parents”. So they’ll have debt, well, they won’t live forever, and it will be paid off whenever/however, they say to themselves.
Now, your mother SHOULD see a doctor. The bumps on her legs could be nothing, you are not a doctor and you don’t know. The REAL question to ask her is “When was the last time you’ve had a checkup/mammogram/OBGYN check?” Talk to your father and he (or you if you’re bold) can make the appointments for her.
You probably won’t have to take care of your parents for another twenty or thirty years. Please don’t worry about it now!
July 19, 2017 at 4:52 am #158928
- This reply was modified 1 day, 20 hours ago by Inky.
I agree that shutting down is a protective measure.
However, love is more than that giddy, ephemeral, walking on air feeling. It is being with someone when they’re sick. Enjoying their company. Dropping everything to help them with whatever. Sharing work and chores. Going through the “dam dailies” together. Sharing experiences.
Love is a Verb,
InkyJuly 18, 2017 at 5:01 am #158748
I wouldn’t worry about it. His friends and family have already pegged you as his girlfriend. You’ve been going out consistently with only each other for a while now. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if people are all like, “How’s yr. GF?” and he responds, “She’s OK.” It would be very adolescent for him to be all, “She’s not my GF! We’re just friends! Why would you think that?!”
When you bring it up as a question and not as a fact, you’re just making it worse.
Have someone ELSE introduce the two of you to a third party. i.e. “Pierre, this is Samantha and her BF Keith.”
If he doesn’t deny (he won’t) then BOOM! Cannon!!
July 16, 2017 at 9:08 am #158344
- This reply was modified 3 days, 21 hours ago by Inky.
Hi Tgo tiny Buddha,
Well now, if he doesn’t see a future together he isn’t the perfect guy now, is he?
Forget about earning back his respect and your perceived value. You have it backward. HE has to earn YOUR respect and perceived value!
If he calls you to see how you “are” or for a booty call, or whatever, be busy. Be busy until next year. Seriously. He has to literally “run into you” now. Don’t return all his texts or calls. Limit contact, if you contact him back at all.
When/if he finally, literally runs into you on purpose and wants to “talk”, flip the script.
Say “You were getting too close and backed off because you freaked out” in a tone that he was more into you than you were into him. He will deny it. You say, “Right” sarcastically as you brush past him.
And, yes, date other people. I bet that even the common Joe will look better and better in comparison to him as time goes on.
InkyJuly 15, 2017 at 6:41 am #158242
We had such groups in college. The longer it lasted, the more incestuous it would become. I remember one girl who went out with two guys in a group and ended up marrying another. Meanwhile, the ex of the guy she married was also still in the group.
If you simply can’t stand it, try seeing your favorite person in the group one-on-one. Then next year see another. Then in the third year a group of them together. Eventually you WILL run into her, especially at big life events like weddings, etc.
Hopefully what will happen (in time) is when you finally see her it will be years later, and you will feel… Nothing!… We do become different people as we age, and some people don’t physically age well (which does help).
InkyJuly 14, 2017 at 4:21 am #158012
I’m going to suggest something that sounds very cruel: Leave the man and move into a household where it is just you and your son. Yes, even if he loses his kids. And guess what, that wouldn’t happen immediately, he would have enough time to figure something out.
You can’t go wrong when you do the right thing. Your son needs a full, attentive mother. Your quasi-step children need the full attention of a parent, even if it’s from their mother. Your BF needs to get a job and be self sufficient for his children.
Don’t let guilt hold you back. Blame your partner’s drug use. His problems really aren’t yours. Only your son is yours. He is the only one that matters here when it comes to your responsibility.
InkyJuly 13, 2017 at 5:27 am #157862
Everyone has something, it seems, that could be construed as a “deal breaker”.
I suggest, yes, disclose it, BUT…
Downplay it and mention it in passing.
“By the way, I had issues with an STI problem, no biggie, just have to be careful” versus “I HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS Relationship Killing THING… If you have any questions after your thorough research, feel free to contact me anytime, day or night…”
A lot of it is in the delivery. If you don’t treat it like it’s a big deal, other people will take your cue.
This guy may or may not continue a relationship with you, and it may have nothing to do with your STI going forward. One day you may also meet someone who says, “Me too!”
InkyJuly 12, 2017 at 4:38 am #157588
Welcome back! I remember you!! I hope you post again soon.
Cara: Welcome! “WE ARE!!” (I’m a Penn State Mom!)
Healing Energy To All,
InkyJuly 11, 2017 at 4:27 am #157428
Two things are going on here.
1. Even if the second girl never existed, the first girl would still have a tough character and not like texts or phone calls. That is just her personality.
2. You are indeed paying for choosing the other girl first. This one will NOT be second choice. Nor will she chase a guy or be all accommodating for him. That too, is her nature.
Your best bet is to keep trying, but be patient about it and don’t take things personally. If that is too hard, you should move on.
InkyJuly 10, 2017 at 4:14 am #157276
He sounds like he was a better friend than a BF.
Just to put things in perspective, I dumped a guy for the non-acknowledgment of Valentine’s Day alone. And guess what happened? Only guys who celebrated Valentines (and Birthdays and Christmas) came into my orbit after that.
You can use any and all things on your list.
When you dump him, only respectful guys will be allowed in your universe. Sure, some imposters may try to sneak in. But you have to be firm in what you’ll allow.
Hope he has fun with his cousin! *eye roll*
InkyJuly 9, 2017 at 4:58 am #157138
It’s confusing because are you guys really broken up? Are you getting back together? You are in this nebulous undefined space.
Him pushing you away and then wanting you to chase him is clearly him working out his abandonment issues.
Tell him that you don’t chase people, that it is not in your nature.
Tell him you need a break. This “break” might turn out to become a break-UP. At best, he will figure it out and act normal when (if?) you get back together. Or your break-UP will pave the way for you to date a person better for you.
InkyJuly 8, 2017 at 6:59 am #156992
I mean, how bad were the emotional outbursts? If it was REALLY bad, then clearly that spooked him. But if you dared expressed displeasure then it’s good that he is gone. Why are women always the ones on audition for the guy? Why is it that the minute we express contrary opinions or emotions we are labelled “crazy” or worse?
I’m not saying that you should be abusive in your reactions to things. As long as you honor your feelings while honoring the people around you (or at least not dishonoring them) then you are fine.
Leave him alone. View him as a starter boyfriend until someone stronger comes along.
InkyJuly 7, 2017 at 7:28 am #156802
I hope you didn’t engage sexually with this other woman. Sex is a very strong glue that can further activate chemical bonds in people.
Hey, I feel you.
But what invariably happens is you will, in as soon as a few years, see the other woman who you had so much in common with. And notice that she’s not really like you anymore. That there’s not a lot of that initial spark. That you are bewildered that you had any romantic feelings for her at all.
You will also discover (especially if the two women are in the same room) that your wife, the old, the familial, will look better and better in comparison. And is, actually, more like you on a spiritual level. Classier. Rock solid. Awesome.
Who needs travel? Everything’s right here at home, after all.
InkyJuly 6, 2017 at 1:35 pm #156702
You have to set boundaries with your mother. First of all, your DH married you, not your mother. Don’t force them or have them be in the same room as each other. They are like territorial cats now.
My suggestion is to see your mother once a month and talk to her no more than once a week, and then for only, say, fifteen minutes. And don’t communicate via technology/cell phones at all.
She may chafe at the boundaries. Say, “Every first Sunday of the month (or whenever) I’m all yours.” She may want to come over or have you guys go over to her. Say, “I’m/We’re busy. See you in X weeks!”
Tell her truthfully that it’s more peaceful when she and your DH are separated.
Your priorities are now: Child, Husband, and Mother distant third.