Forum Replies Created
March 17, 2018 at 5:46 am #197793
When a woman is done, she's done.
It doesn't matter that she chased you in the past. It doesn't matter that she wanted to get married right away, or was clingy.
Even though you bought the ring, even though you had a deep bond, even though you finally realized you loved her, it doesn't matter now.
She made the decision. She's done.
If she is indeed gorgeous, I'm not surprised she found another guy so quickly. The other guy was probably lurking in the background this whole time, patiently waiting for the relationship's demise, alluring her with the promise of a better match.
Dude, if you truly want her back, your best bet right now is to back WAY off! Don't contact her again for at least a year. Every time she decides to ignore your or says “No”, that is only working to solidify her decision in her mind. This time you wait for THIS relationship to fail. THEN go to her (remember, still go no contact until 2019) THEN say, “How are you doing?”
InkyMarch 16, 2018 at 4:45 am #197585
In situations such as these, it is really helpful to run by the conversation with a professional. Sometimes a relationship isn't working out and it has nothing to do with your depression/anxiety/personality disorder. Blowing up and blocking you, for example, is a very immature response on his part, even if you were depressed/anxious/disordered at the time.
No matter what your issues are, breaking up and then getting back together (rinse, repeat) is a bad habit to get into. If you're broken up, stay broken up, and perhaps revisit the relationship next year if you're both free. This gives space and maturity time to work its magic.
InkyMarch 15, 2018 at 5:37 am #197367
I wouldn't talk to her. But if she dares ask for your notes again, simply say, “No” with no explanation. The awkwardness will fall squarely back on her. It sounds like the friendship is on the outs anyway if you feel like you are friends only when it suits her.
It would be different if she made it to class most of the time.
If you're too scared to be direct, just say one of these each time she asks: “I wasn't in class that day”, “My pen ran out”, “I'll get those notes to you later” (not), “I can't find the notes!!”, “I fell asleep in class!!!”, “I was talking to this hot guy during class and didn't exactly write anything down!”, have the notes be illegible, have the notes be in shorthand.
Oh my goodness, you can fun with this!!! She will quickly learn that it's actually easier to get to class. If only to befriend someone else to give her their notes or to meet the imaginary hot guy!
InkyMarch 14, 2018 at 5:00 am #197147
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but don't move in together. If you want to get married, statistically that is less likely to happen when you are roommates. And if you're unhappy one day, then you are “stuck”.
I always kept my own place when I was dating my husband. Yes, it drove him nuts that we had two places, but life (and our relationship) was so much simpler.
InkyMarch 13, 2018 at 6:46 am #197029
If he left just because of a little stress, it's better you found this out now rather than years from now. View it as a blessing! You need someone strong enough to handle everyday life, not some wilting violet personality.
InkyMarch 12, 2018 at 8:59 am #196861
I would move to take care of your elderly mother. He will come back, having made his DECISION, and be shocked that you are gone. He will contact you. You will say that your priorities come first and you can't put your life on hold while some man makes his DECISION for YOUR future. That you are in the States and he knows where to find you. That you are dating other people.
He will fly to the States and propose. That is my prediction.
If that doesn't happen, at least you took your power back.
P.S. Never too old!March 11, 2018 at 6:28 am #196719
Here is a thought which may or may not be true: I could see someone cheating with one person. I could even (maybe) see someone cheating with two. But four? Unlikely. The next time you think of the four girls, laugh and say (while laughing), “Yeah, right!”
If you, he, or someone brings it up, say, “I'll tell my seventh lover he says hello!”
The little dude must have had some kind of anger or size problem to even attempt to cheat on you with four (FOUR!) other people.
My advice to you is not to believe it. The reality is probably closer to one he actually cheated on you with, one he had an emotional affair with, one who made out with him while drunk, and a model who said “hi” to him once.
March 10, 2018 at 6:16 am #196633
- This reply was modified 1 week ago by Inky.
I thought the same way too about one of my boyfriends. But let me tell you, once we broke up, I was devastated. (DEVASTATED!) It turns out I was more attached to him than I thought (way more!).
“Meh” turned into “OMGI'MDEVASTEDHOWWILLIEVERGETOVERHIM!?!?!?”
You are young. Chances are you won't have a kid right away. I say be in this relationship and see what happens. Don't try to work at it. Maybe take a break (or a long vacation alone) if this is truly bugging you.
InkyMarch 9, 2018 at 5:27 am #196473
I would give the texting a break. Give her a chance to miss you. What I would do is have a get together at a restaurant or a small party a few times a year. Invite her. Even if she is unable to go, at least she was invited, and you would have other people around. Don't put your energy into the people who aren't there, put your energy into the people who are there.
InkyMarch 9, 2018 at 5:18 am #196471
Dollars to donuts he WILL come back into your life one day. One day when his family issues, or whatever issues he has in his life is resolved (or resolved enough for him to be bored with it) he will think of you. You will probably be happily married with two kids and a white picket fence complete with a dog. A Labradoodle, to be precise.
You will answer the space-age communication system (or whatever we'll have five to ten years in the future) and be surprised and only mildly curious that it's him.
He will be insultingly surprised that you have clearly and successfully moved on. That you haven't been pining for him all these years after all, that you weren't eagerly anticipating his space-call.
Well, that's the way it happened to me. (Only I just had email and a beagle).
InkyMarch 8, 2018 at 7:12 am #196351
Here is something I noticed: There is a vast age difference between you two. Is it possible that since she met you when you were a teenager she took you under her wing, she was a mentor to you, she didn't take you seriously? Ten years later you are no longer a kid. Is she having trouble seeing you as a fellow adult woman?
The card thing I would forgive. I'm THE WORST at cards. I can't do it. Yes, even if I worked in a stationary store.
The bailing on your plans I would put her on task for. The next time that happens say, “Oh, good, just tell me where you all are meeting.” She CAN'T say no, as you already cleared YOUR busy schedule sometimes weeks in advance for HER. It will be awkward. Let it be awkward.
Lastly, she is a parent of a very small child. You are not first, you are not second, you aren't even in the top ten of her priorities. I am not active friends with anyone with small children. Unless you are offering to bring the family pizza and babysit, it is a BURDEN to see you. She needs a babysitter, a free moment, money, and energy. She may not have it. If you get pregnant tomorrow, maybe you can bond with her via playdates. I've had three kids. It's just the reality.
InkyMarch 7, 2018 at 5:55 am #196209
A practical solution is to have a portable phone. Mine beeps when it's running low on batteries (which usually happens around minute 45). Then you can truthfully say, “Mom, my phone is dying, let me recharge it” and hang up.
I think you “fuse” and feel exhausted simply because it does eat up a chunk of your day.
I would start with Time Boundaries. Maybe three conversations of half and hour each week.
InkyMarch 6, 2018 at 4:41 am #196045
There's nothing like a good book or Netflix show to make you look forward to being alone. Only one chapter or episode a night!
Parties and having people over help too, but there's always that let down after the last person leaves. I suggest having someone spend the night (brother or best friend type) and then plan something fun immediately after he leaves.
Plan activities and events to do with your sons. Scouts is good because then you'll become friends with the other dads and do outdoor hikes and guy stuff.
I know the question was how to be happy alone, but I've found that I'm happiest alone when I've had some sort of human contact during the day.
Keep busy, have a routine and sprinkle in new experiences to keep it interesting.
March 5, 2018 at 3:54 am #195947
- This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by Inky.
You are probably pretty. And being pretty probably has nothing to do with it.
I bet it's social awkwardness. Some people have the knack for connecting with people. Other people can chameleon their way into any group. It's a gift.
Whatever the other people are doing, you do. As an experiment. Go to two people talking and ask one of them for a picture. Smile and laugh in the crowd in the same tone and tenor that everyone else is. Things like that. It's just a suggestion. I couldn't stand doing that for long myself.
Be thankful for the four friends you have rather than lament over the hundred you don't.
I know it's a cliché, but as you get older, these things matter less and less.
March 4, 2018 at 4:45 am #195833
- This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by Inky.
A simple confession of “I'm bad at this” covers a lot of ground.
Just say you get anxious in impromptu/sudden situations and you always seem to come off the wrong way. That you hope he didn't misread you. That that wasn't your intention! (At this point he should be comforting you, No, of course not! Don't worry about it!) Then tell him you're going to get coffee and does he want to come along.