Forum Replies Created
November 17, 2017 at 4:53 am #178495
It's not that long distance relationships never work (my sister has been in one for years and years), it's more like most people can't handle them well.
You have a few choices here:
1. Find a job within half an hour of him. Live simply. Or, he can move closer to you.
2. Treat the relationship lightly.
3. Don't have all this pressure about seeing each other most weekends. I would almost rather have the pressure of seeing each other for an occasional long weekend, vacation or holiday than driving/flying out every. single. weekend. Maybe make it loose, like, “At least once a month. More? Great.”
4. It's OK not to talk on the phone. Let days parade by.
5. Communicate through text, FB, Skype, etc.
Enjoy the unique “rhythm” of you long distance relationship.
InkyNovember 16, 2017 at 8:16 am #178355
That is a juicy side bar! Sure, try Leo out. But keep it light and casual.
InkyNovember 16, 2017 at 5:35 am #178323
Hi Jenny Lynn,
John is what I call a Perennial Bachelor. Don't worry about him finding someone else. He will, he has, and he is. All three women at once, usually. He loves having a harem. He loves that they kind of but not really know about each other. He plays up their birthdays and holidays to keep them around. But they are never his on a day-by-day level.
Glen is the opposite. He is doting, he is there. Unless it's your birthday or a holiday. Then he forgets/”forgets”. But you can't quite break up with him because he is there the other 360 days of the year, right???
Both men are giving the women in their lives the message that they aren't special. It's an ego thing.
Move out, get your own place (to have! No more moving in with someone!), dump Glen, don't seek out John, and date someone who is there for you every day INCLUDING holidays.
InkyNovember 15, 2017 at 1:17 pm #178245
I challenge you to put that piece of art back up on your Flikr page which you will recreate. You almost have to do it. Let me put it this way: if you do it you will be my hero! 🙂 The idea of hiding my art because someone intimidates me makes me FURIOUS on your behalf! When he checks again (because he is the real stalker here) he SHOULD see it. Not because you are right/”right” but because you are showing him that he cannot control other people.
If he files a restraining order, what's he going to say? “This girl that hasn't bothered me in several weeks posted some art work on her private page that I didn't like”. He cannot “punish” you anymore. If he rants and raves, you block HIS email. Have your mother block HIS number.
And then, my dear, post some more glorious art, and title it “Breaking Free from Control”.November 15, 2017 at 4:50 am #178137
You could be on the best medication in the world, and then suddenly it doesn't work any more (or not as much). Even if he did find some other girl, she, too, would have to manage him, manage the meds, be alert for subtle changes in his behavior, etc.
Tell him that you would be open to marriage, but he has to do all the work in managing his mental health. That you will still visit, and when you see a solid (two plus years with no changes) baseline of stable mood and behavior you can start truly looking toward the future.
InkyNovember 15, 2017 at 4:42 am #178135
I just had a thought… “Youth” in his mind means “healthy”. So when you complained about your health issues, he didn't want to hear it. Of course, if he had medical problems you would be expected to be supportive in that as he's “older”. This is Ableism. He only loves you when you're “healthy”.
Also, you are “Stalking” him. He's probably all, “Hey! That's my role!” Young people don't “stalk”. Now, he can chase, pursue, and go after, because he's “The Man”. And “The Older Man” can't be bothered with girls once he's done with them.
But you stood up. You reached out. You wanted explanation. (But you really do have to stop now.) You even wanted Closure. Which you attempted to get through your art. Of course he then stalked you, found your art, and was upset that you dared to publically declare your feelings Real! That you did matter!
That you do matter.
P.S. I really want to see the art! Can we have a link for it? Only if you feel comfortable!November 14, 2017 at 5:14 am #178019
9. Any man who breaks up with you on your birthday or a holiday was into you more that you know. They just do that to inflict the most hurt, and so you can't properly enjoy a special day without inevitably thinking of THEM. Classic narcissistic move. And a strike against them if they ever dream of getting back together one day. By the way, when (when, not if) he contacts you again, it will be on Valentine's Day or your birthday, etc.
10. Breaking up via your mother was such a cowardly move!
Edit: for #7, “Because they'll see you” means they're more likely to see the real you.November 14, 2017 at 4:52 am #178015
Several thoughts are coming to my mind at once, so I will list them in no particular order of importance:
1. He knew of your chronic illness
2. Then you gently rebuffed him because of the vast age difference
3. He literally couldn't take it and clung onto the first beautiful blonde he could find
4. Spiritually evolved or not, I'm going to be very upfront with you about him. This will get more and more clearer as you get older. People past a certain age who only date younger people do so because no other person their age would have them. You were sweet, lonely and open, but because of your youth you simply didn't know better.
5. Beautiful blonde women don't get engaged to guys after only a few months of meeting them. I assume he's older than her as well? If so, he is being taken for a ride. You confirmed this by finding out her history. The best predictor of the future is the past.
6. When people blare “ISN'T THIS GREAT??” news and pictures all over FaceBook, OF COURSE their friends and family are going to support them on a surface level. But I suspect they are more like his sister-in-law who still like you and think of you. Especially when she marries him, divorces him, breaks his heart, and empties his bank account.
7. People stink at friendships and personal relationships. It used to be an art form, but now with social media and technology, people aren't as close as they think, and that can lead to despair. I would find old people or slightly younger people to bond with. Think of volunteering at a retirement community or joining a church group/committee. You want to be celebrated, not tolerated. Some of my greatest friends were people fifty years older than me at the time. Because they'll see you. Because they don't want anything from you. Because they get it.
8. Believe it or not, when his romance inevitably burns out, he will track you down. Don't let him back in!
InkyNovember 13, 2017 at 5:38 am #177891
Usually long distance relationships don't work. Add to the fact that he's not good with the phone. Also that he's “got your number” in that he knows your secret formula in what to do, say and be to always win you back.
I think you made that right decision. Hopefully your last text was “I'm done.” Now be radio silence until at least the new year. He won't forget you. I promise. However! He might move on. But he will never forget the lesson. Unfortunately, a new woman might reap the rewards of his learned lesson. So you have to be strong!
By setting your standards higher, you will attract a higher quality person and will instantly be repelled by anyone not up to your new standards. For example, looking back to when I was younger I cannot believe I put up with so much bull crap for so long. Now I see people and I can read them from a mile away!
InkyNovember 13, 2017 at 5:23 am #177889
Good for you, Bonni_mor in your decision not to do emotional labor!
InkyNovember 12, 2017 at 11:40 am #177791
I've learned over the years is that Silence is its own Response.
He texted you. Now he's waiting with baited breath for you to emotionally accommodate him.
But he will justifiably receive No Response. Radio Silence.
First he will wonder if you blocked him. Then he'll wonder if you ever got the message. Then he'll wonder if you changed your number.
Now he will have a dilemma: He can try AGAIN and risk looking like a jerk or desperate (he is), or he can contact you at your law firm and look like a stalker.
That is how you Not Talk to him without Looking Bitter. You instead look like a person in a power position.
P.S. If you don't want to do the above, “Quien es?” is the other option.November 11, 2017 at 8:28 am #177677
OK, here's more:
1. Pics include: beach, somewhere in Tibet, cross country skiing
2. “If I'm not travelling or working you can find me… at the beach!” (last part said in a cutesy tone)
3. “I'm not into playing games and like nice guys”
4. Colors (to match blonde hair and blue eyes): Black top and black hat default outfit. Pink shirt (no hat) if at the beach. Red hat and black outfit if skiing.
That, my friend, will give you responses. Guys won't think you're copying the ad if they've seen the ad. They would, however, have comforting feelings of deja vu.
November 11, 2017 at 8:17 am #177675
- This reply was modified 6 days, 5 hours ago by Inky.
I would put down “Athletic and toned”, “open to new adventures” and a teasing “Come and find me!”… and that's about it!! (to match an actual dating service ad with “Kourtney's” description! They did the marketing, and it must work as even *I* want to date “Kourtney”!!)
Let me watch the ad again, and I'll type back anything else “Kourtney” put!!
This is fun!!November 11, 2017 at 6:22 am #177655
Hi Mary Ellen,
It's funny that we women try to find love through gratitude journals, yoga, meditation and raising our vibration… Then we go on Match… and the guy looks at our photo and goes, “Nope! I'm fifty but this twenty year old looks good!” (He of course, also gets rejected, but that's the male story). You could try Our Time, which is like Match for the over fifty age range.
When my mom found love again in her fifties she found it with a guy that she used to know. Go through your old yearbooks and social media. Find the guys you knew back in the day that are widowed and divorced. That is the easiest way.
InkyNovember 10, 2017 at 4:41 am #177445
If you do respond I would write, “I'm sorry you felt awkwardness between us, I would never want you to feel that way!” And then say, “Yes, let's meet!” Let her then do all the footwork trying to find a time/place to get together (which won't happen because you're busy). After you responding a day or two after each call or text, she will then realize that she should really drop the whole thing.
For the original friend group that was stolen from you I would get together with only one woman at a time. Tell your story without putting anyone down. Next year befriend a different person in that group. Have those women over just the three of you. And, yes, even eventually the Awkward Mom.
What will happen (I PROMISE!!) is that eventually the woman you had the Fight with will show her colors to the rest of the group. She will get a reputation for being a Queen Bee. But what will happen is everyone will get sick of it and she'll have to move to find a new hive.