Forum Replies Created
December 5, 2019 at 6:10 am #326133
Forget the boyfriend. You don’t need a boyfriend right now, and in fact, having one might be a burden.
Right now you need a job. Any job. Even ones that are beneath you.
FaceBook is a great resource. Why? Because older people are on there, people who hire and want to help younger people. Become a member of your town’s FaceBook Group, and shamelessly state that you’re job searching. You will be amazed at how many people will try to help you, a fellow townie. Follow any and all leads.
InkyDecember 4, 2019 at 11:02 am #326015
My mature advice Part One would be to realize that you’re not in a real relationship at all. If you’re doing all the work, and he gets pissed off and does nothing, then DROP THE ROPE.
You did at the club, but in a huffy way. And by the way, him leaving you to find your own ride: That’s a deal breaker in my book. I don’t care if we live in the world of Uber. And he grabbed your arm and swore at you?
My immature advice would be to date other people and see if he notices.
My mature advice Part Two would be to text him and write: “It’s not working. Good luck on your job and apartment search. I wish you well.”
InkyDecember 3, 2019 at 5:52 am #325783
I think you’re thinking too much. It’s nice to look nice, but it’s nice to be nice. You already know this.
What I do is have casual outfits, nice outfits and OMG outfits. It sounds like you wore a nice outfit in a casual setting. Of course it gave you the feeling of being more with it and better than your peers. Outfit wise, you were.
Once you figure out your day to day in terms of safety and security, you will hardly think of the ego.
InkyDecember 2, 2019 at 6:28 am #325581
Time is the great healer. Time is also the great revealer. You might learn over the years that his new girlfriend dumped him (or never really thought he was a boyfriend), he became a booze hound, and/or drops out of school, etc. You will probably find out a number of things that make him merely human and in no way could judge/dump YOU. As in if people hear that he judged/dumped YOU they won’t believe it.
Of course another trick is to date someone more attractive/winning and look at him with compassion at his bad decision.
InkyDecember 2, 2019 at 6:20 am #325579
One small way to buck out of this is to bring a book with you when you watch Netflix. Binge on fifteen minute episodes and read a page after every episode. The next day write a page after every episode. The day after that do a chore after every episode. Then reward yourself an episode after going to each class. It will take forever to get everything done but at least you’ll have fun and might bust out of the funk altogether.
InkyDecember 1, 2019 at 5:58 am #325449
People don’t like to be the bad guy. He hid the other girl from you because he’s a “good guy” and didn’t want to hurt you. He had a breakdown/”breakdown” and used that as an excuse to breakup with you because he’s a “good guy” and didn’t want to hurt you.
When you found out about the girl he panicked and clumsily blamed your mental illness (even though you were fine at the time). That’s not the real reason. It’s not you. It’s him. A lot of people are players. But they don’t want to hurt people because they can’t handle the fall out, not because they are “good”.
Next relationship, hold a little back. No money, a little less time, a little less energy, a little less information. This is not withholding. This is sussing out who a person really is over time. Then you are LESS likely to be betrayed this way. (But it can still happen).
InkyNovember 30, 2019 at 6:48 am #325317
You made the right decision. Even if you wanted an easy breezy “fun” relationship, him not introducing you to ANY of his friends and family for FOUR YEARS! is a huge red flag. “Is he ashamed of me?” Is there a wife? Worse! Does he not, you know, have FRIENDS? Is he a criminal? Did his family disown him?
It’s all too much.
You called him out. He IMMEDIATELY got defensive, made you feel bad, and claims to break up with you.
Make no mistake. YOU broke up with HIM. Enough was enough.
My suggestion going forward is to date guys who already have grown kids and to not marry someone until all your kids are grown. You don’t need crying in the shower drama in your life. You really don’t. You have kids!
November 29, 2019 at 9:22 am #325115
- This reply was modified 5 days, 12 hours ago by Inky.
This guy has no game. He will die single and alone. I have prophesied! In short, he’s a washout. Move on with your romantic life or without dating sites.
InkyNovember 28, 2019 at 5:22 am #324967
This sounds counter-intuitive, but whenever I’ve lost pets, I’ve gone to our local shelter. NOT to acquire a new animal (quite yet!), but to pet them, hold them, breath in their cat smell. It reaffirms that life goes on, life is good, and the spirit of OUR animal is still with us. A good cry also helps!!
Peace to You,
November 27, 2019 at 7:44 am #324821
- This reply was modified 1 week ago by Inky.
I chalk it up to him watching too much South Park and horrible movies like Jack Ass. Believe me when I say that he didn’t say that as an insult at all, but as a funny way of greeting you with his crassness. The crassness is so over the top that it’s not meant to be insulting.
Also, he has a false sense of familiarity in that he’s known you for twenty years so he thinks he can be casual. This is like when my best friend says “You’re my best bitch!” But we also get each other’s sense of humor. You do NOT get his, and so he needs to stop.
This is where people get into trouble. Art imitates life, but when you try to imitate art in your life, it NEVER works!
You can be brutally honest with him and show him this post. Then he will never greet people like they were characters in a bad movie script again. He needs a lesson in sensitivity. Leave your son out of it.
InkyNovember 26, 2019 at 8:39 am #324589
It’s OK to hate dead people. I hated my father. When he died, he left such a mess for everyone, I still hated him. His name should have been Chaos.
Well guess what? It’s a year later, and now I’m just mad at him. I don’t hate him. Could you imagine what pain someone must be in to be a total lifelong screwup? But I am mad at him.
Next year, if I’m lucky, I’ll feel nothing.
Later, in my middle age, I might like him again.
When I’m old, maybe I’ll love the father he was when times were good.
What I’m saying is don’t feel guilty. Hate away. Scream at the heavens. Scream down to hell. Curse that blasted woman who HAD TO (just HAD to!) tell you about her pregnancy supposedly with YOUR dead husband! Go online and get those good old fashioned hoo doo curse candles. The whole nine yards. It will make you feel better letting all that JUSTIFIED anger OUT!
Remember, no guilt! Anger is a porthole. You have to go through it to get out of it. Suppress it and that’s when people get things like cancer.
November 23, 2019 at 12:51 pm #324143
- This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by Inky.
I agree, the WORST thing you can do is keep messaging him, sending videos, texting, ANY contact.
People really can pick up on vibes. He felt strong ones coming from you and it made his skin crawl. Even if you deny it. Even if YOU felt nothing, that’s not the point. HE’S the one creeped out.
We adults hate being “hunted”, “hounded”, oppressed through texts/calls/etc.
And get this: Silence IS an answer.
Your BEST hope is to treat him like a stranger, someone you’ve never met. Have so much time pass that HE wonders if HE’S the one who’s “crazy” and overreacted. Then if HE approaches you, be formal, nice and polite. “How are you?” “Good!” “What’s gong on?” “Not much, how are you? Lot of rain lately.”
InkyNovember 22, 2019 at 5:12 am #323991
If you come back to this post, let me add: I AGREE WITH BRANDY!!!
If she brings up not feeling the spark, say, “Sounds like a personal problem”… on your way to the gym.
Let HER remember the marriage counseling appointments… you throw on your new designer shirt on your way out the door.
Acquire a new hobby. There are women there. There is a whiff of cologne as you leave.
Take the kids to get hair cuts. Come back yourself with a totally new cut.
Remember! Men look better as they age, women DO have to work it! She TOTALLY is taking you for granted! She can’t be that hot. Sorry.
InkyNovember 21, 2019 at 11:16 am #323919
First things first. Apply to a university that offers night classes. Or an online university. Do it now, the deadlines for many of them are fast approaching. At least do rolling admission. Otherwise another year will have gone by.
The people you meet in school will be your new social group. You will be a few years older than many of them, but will still be young enough to fit in. Instant confidence! Even if you attend school online, that should give you a confidence boost.
I’m guessing the rejection is coming because people sense a bit of desperation in you? I don’t know, but being around the student crowd should help.
InkyNovember 20, 2019 at 6:17 am #323707
Personally I think you should move and not tell him where you are. That will motivate him to work or at least keep his own space. Then you can meet and not have the burden of caretaking for him. Yes, that is what you are doing.
Why are you doing a full time job and he doesn’t cook and/or clean? The reason is depression. Even if he makes the beds, takes the garbage out, does laundry and cooks and does the dishes in the beginning ONCE A WEEK he will feel so much better. Later, it will morph into doing the paperwork, running a vacuum, cleaning out a closet, going shopping and cooking every day.
He needs to see a doctor for his depression. If he is just lazy, Flylady dot net is a wonderful resource, and Duolingo I found helps the cause, even though it is a free language learning app. I feel like I have a purpose to my days, even if it is “silly”. “Well, at least I leveled up in Latin!” LOL