Forum Replies Created
August 16, 2018 at 5:11 am #221695
Marriage is for the benefit of the children, not the spouses. So congratulate yourself: you were very wise to put your family over some guy. It turns out that he was not worthy of you. If he loved you as much as you loved him, I suspect you both would have respectfully waited for each other until the youngest children in both families were adults. So it's actually fortuitous that you figured out that he was in it more for the lust and the good times.
And no, don't tell your husband. This was a very human mistake you made. Why punish yourself further or burden your husband over some guy who means nothing now?
And when you see that guy from afar one day, I promise you that you will be SHOCKED at how unattractive he will be. The only embarrassment you'll feel is “I can't believe I almost risked it all for that guy!”
August 15, 2018 at 6:54 am #221571
- This reply was modified 2 days, 11 hours ago by Inky.
Your reaction was totally normal!
Keep in mind that he did react badly to your blocking him AND the picture was a reminder that he is still friends with your friends. Meaning he is dwelling in the peripheries of your world whether you blocked him or not.
Your anxiety was telling you (prepping you?) that you COULD theoretically run into him. I would take that anxiety as a message: What will/would you do if you see him again in real life?
InkyAugust 12, 2018 at 5:11 am #221209
And that would be the worst thing because???
This is like being afraid no one will ask you to prom (sorry, didn't mean to give you another thing to feel anxious about, but “it even happened to me”). So what happens is no one asks you, the formal happens (with or without you) and you survive.
In your situation, Life itself will happen whether you remain a virgin or not. And you will survive. And no one will know (or think or care) that you are an Eternal Virgin.
What will probably happen is you'll eventually and suddenly find a nice person and have three kids. You know, the typical Fate of All Women.
InkyAugust 10, 2018 at 7:47 am #220991
20 is a rough age because you are technically a grown woman, yet still have to sometimes go back to your parents' house. Are you in University/college? If not, please go and LIVE IN A DORM/APARTMENT/HOUSE that is far away from your mother. Just being physically away from her SHOULD relieve your anxiety…
…but it apparently doesn't because of getting passed out drunk far away. And then your well meaning boyfriend calls your mother and she freaks out and is all “See? SEE?? THIS is why we have to micro-manage your every move! And by the way you can't even pick out a nice Greek boyfriend right!”
You NEED to get some anxiety meds under control or you won't be fit for a relationship ~ with anyone!
As for marrying the boyfriend, please wait a few years. Move away from your Mother. And stabilize your moods.
InkyAugust 9, 2018 at 5:30 am #220827
Happy first day of 49!! Remember: Do or get something nice for yourself!
InkyAugust 8, 2018 at 5:32 am #220677
Out of all the women at the college/university, he just HAS to sleep with your best friend/sorority sister. Then he proceeds to sleep with everyone you know. Meanwhile, he KNOWS you like him, and so it is (of course) irresistible to this character to hold ONLY you at bay.
Of course he's a sociopath! He admits it! And those types are VERY good with people. He has no trouble getting into anyone's pants.
Except yours, from now on! Tell him point blank that “It will NEVER happen between us!” whether he admits to those feelings or not. But beware. This is a game to him and his ultimate goal WILL be to sleep with you only AFTER you ADAMANTLY tell him (in a scoffing way) “You slept with all these friends of mine, so don't sniff around here, buddy!”
No, you don't have to block him on Social Media, but do Hide him if you can so you can't see his shenanigans.
InkyAugust 7, 2018 at 6:07 am #220573
How old are you? How affable are you? What kind of place are you living in? If you're an introverted middle school teenager living in Alaska, that answers your question. But if you're an extroverted girl in her twenties living in NYC there's something else going on. Ask your closest friends to give it to you straight.
Guys might be intimidated by you for some reason. For me it was my deep voice. It was a turn off for the school boys, but once I was out of college I had no trouble finding men. Men had no problem with it.
Also, once you do start going out (and realize it can be done) you will exude a confidence that should be irresistible. Again, only with grown men. You may have to wait a few years.
InkyAugust 6, 2018 at 8:10 am #220459
Tell him that it is, and has been, obvious that he is still using. And then I agree to tell him that “a little bird told me you are intending on selling it”. If he tries to derail the issue (who told you? how do you know? etc.) say that “it's bad enough that I would break up with you over using in the first place. But selling I cannot abide”. Then walk out.
Yes, walk out! He will follow, argue.. and then give up. HE knows he's using and intending on selling (the Truth). And now he knows YOU know he's using and intending on selling.
Tell him that you will contact him a year later. Not to get back together, but to reset at Level 0. Sometimes people need little hurts to get their live straight. Let yourself be The Little Hurt that he needs.
InkyJuly 28, 2018 at 5:18 am #219079
A good rule of thumb is to leave women with children alone! At least wait until the last child is an adult, people!! My parents and steps did everything “right” and I still resented the heck out of them, even though I was a teenager and college kid at the time. It's never easy entering an established family. And you are not the fix to a broken one, either.
Anyway! What's done is done, and here is what I would do if I were you:
The good news is you ARE married! There is a fair amount of work that goes into getting a divorce, so…. I wouldn't do anything! Let her do all the work. Let her serve you with papers. Let her call a lawyer. Don't do anything, even if you would get screwed in the end. How far she takes this shows her ACTUAL desire to get a divorce.
What you do is quietly be in the background. Say, “I am here.” And keep your mouth shut!!! No more pouting, arguments over the phone or through text. From here on out, YOU are a saint!
Eventually her child will grow up and leave her. In the meantime they know there is an Uncle Dad waiting in the wings to be welcomed home.
July 28, 2018 at 5:04 am #219077
- This reply was modified 3 weeks ago by Inky.
One way to get over this particular fear once and for all is the nuclear option: Show your boyfriend what you just wrote us. If he is in any way a sane person, he will say, “All is well. There is nothing to forgive!” If he reacts in any other way, you shouldn't be with someone like that to begin with.
InkyJuly 25, 2018 at 7:03 am #218651
This is what I would do. Keep in mind that I am not you. But if this resonates with you, go for it!
Tell him that she hasn't paid her dues into this marriage. And that he hasn't paid his dues to leave it either. That you are NOT going to waste your money on a divorce lawyer. That you are going to stay married to him until the youngest leaves for college. THEN you will start divorce proceeding, and by the way, it will be less expensive regarding child support, spousal support, etc. You and/or he can save up money for your new life, etc. Whether the youngest is seventeen years old or one, your husband might go along with this. True love can wait, right??? The rules are: he has to spend nights in the house, and he can't subject you and your children to the skanky hoe, I'm sorry, I mean his soul mate. This is best for the children.
Meanwhile, make it awkward for her. Contact her husband. Tell him that you are taking a stand. This will give him permission to take a stand too. Hell, you can even become his new best friend to make it interesting. Tell everyone. Let it be awkward.
This is what will (probably) happen: By the end of the True Love Can Wait period, he WILL fall out of love with her. The shaking heads of the neighbors. Her honorable husband (your new best friend). Her bratty kids. Her turning thirty/forty?/fifty??? and the inevitable decline of age. The love affair getting boring. YOU being easy, breezy and happy and looking better than ever. Your kids thriving (because their happiness counts more than his, sorry-not-sorry).
Finally you will plan your Great Escape, looking fabulous. It's one to seventeen years later. He begrudgingly thinks being married to you isn't so bad after all. He walks up to the front door after dropping the youngest off at college. A strange man pulls up before he can open the door. He's been served. He drives to the skanky hoe's house for comfort. Sorry, I meant soulmate. Her bratty kids say that she's out with Tom. Or was it Harry?
Even his mistress dumps him.
July 24, 2018 at 8:40 am #218527
- This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by Inky.
For some of us it's when a parent dies that we can finally live our life *waving hand here*. Usually it's for emotional reasons, but your mom doesn't sound like she is demanding or kooky.
I bet she wanted you to travel for three months for work, believe me! For her it's an unspoken message that she is actually doing fine. She is well enough for YOU to travel! That is wonderful! It's when the whole extended family is around the bedside wringing their hands and putting their lives on hold, is when I would worry if I were her. For example, if I were diagnosed with a Stage 4 cancer and my daughter quit grad school to move back and take care of me I would kill her before the cancer killed me first!!
Please set your guilt aside. You are a wonderful daughter. Believe it!
InkyJuly 22, 2018 at 7:55 am #218111
The difference in music is just an excuse. He has nothing to say. What is there to say? You can't argue with “I'm just not feeling it”. Even if he told you in detail WHY he was REALLY breaking up with you, would that fix anything? Would you/could you justify and convince him to stay with you when you argue for your point of view? Do you REALLY want to stay with someone who's not willing to run through open fields or fire to embrace you?
Move on from this character. He'll figure life out soon enough the hard way.
P.S. Don't communicate with him for at least a year. When he comes to his senses, after a year, perhaps say patiently, “Are you done with this experience now, beloved?”July 21, 2018 at 5:28 am #217979
Why do you think they call it love? My DH, for instance, thinks my faults are somehow utterly adorable. (Scores of other people did not!) See what I mean?
Also, some of my friends are horrible (horrible!) burdens, but I still love 'em. And so do their plus ones.
Every Lid Has its Pot,
InkyJuly 20, 2018 at 5:25 am #217813
Wow! Even paraplegics are jerks, it turns out! (I know that is MASSIVELY un-PC of me to say, but there it is.)
You can literally do SO much better! You do not deserve for him to transfer all of his unhappiness onto you.
Walk away. Ghost him. Don't look back. You will be better for it. And bonus! HE gets to learn a Life Lesson that he can't treat people that way.