Forum Replies Created
December 11, 2018 at 5:07 am #268817
It happens to everyone. Long ago a guy fell for me… who turned out to be my second cousin!! Then only people freaking out were our extended family. (My dad had no problem with it!) So no guilt, OK? It happens.
Forgive me if I’m totally mistaken, but do you have arranged marriages in your country? What do your parents say? Have someone else set you up or introduce you to people.
I’ve fallen for shorter guys myself. And a scar just gives you character! View things that way.
What you need is confidence. The worst thing that can happen is someone says no thank you. So what? That just means your life stays the same, and your life’s not so bad. But if (WHEN!) someone says yes, that’s just a new experience.
December 9, 2018 at 7:49 am #268453
- This reply was modified 12 hours, 48 minutes ago by Inky.
Not telling him that she has a boyfriend when she does is a major red flag here.
Why does “I’m not interested” sound better than “I have a boyfriend”? Maybe it does (to her). Maybe she needs this other guy to know that the decision is coming from her. THEN she’ll tell him about you. Maybe if she told him about you right away he wouldn’t take you (or her) seriously?
In any case, she cares way too much about what he thinks. OR you two aren’t as serious as you think you are.
InkyDecember 8, 2018 at 6:41 am #268389
Age only matters when you’re very young or very old.
I think it would be better (socially) if you date him when you’re out of college or at least 22 or 23. Why? Because There would be no power dynamic. You don’t want him (or anyone else) to assume (even subconsciously) that he is taking advantage of you or is the dominant one the relationship. If you date him at 22 when he’s 28 no one would blink an eye.
I dated someone older than me at your age (he was late 20s), and people felt threatened by me as well. “This man should be married with children and this student just swoops in!” It’s kind of like him giving the finger to women his own age.
You’re not in love with him yet, so what I would do is keep him as a friend for a few years until it no longer matters. (If you’re writing for people’s opinions on the internet, it clearly matters in that it bothers you that it bothers people.)
InkyDecember 6, 2018 at 5:30 am #268083
You are putting all this pressure on yourself to be in this long distance relationship.
And you don’t want to lose him because he’s the only friend you have in your hometown?? Like that’s a factor???
Let me tell you something, I don’t care if you have 100 friends in high school. You could have 50 from your home town in college, 25 in your twenties, 12 in your thirties, etc….. BECAUSE ALL THE KIDS LEAVE THE HOMETOWN. They just. DO!
I would cast him loose and say, “Let’s have a good time WHILE we’re together. Let’s not define it!”
Ironically, once you say that, he won’t get enough of you!
December 5, 2018 at 9:58 am #267975
- This reply was modified 5 days, 12 hours ago by Inky.
It sounds like he’s a sensitive guy, and you were too hard on him without realizing it.
So who’s he going to pick? The girl who would get angry at him (and kill his soul) or some girl who hasn’t yelled at him (yet)?
He is so super sensitive, I would let him make the first (and last) move any time.
P.S. You date, too.December 4, 2018 at 7:22 am #267701
Valora’s advice is spot on.
At best, he has a passing interest in you or is socially clueless. At worst, he is grooming you to be “chill”, to be the girlfriend that never questions, or you won’t be “cool”.
Either choice, or the nebulous spectrum in between isn’t for you.
I would go radio silence until he calls or texts…. and then call/text him the next day. The next time he flakes, say “I don’t like that” and then not see him for a while.
When he sees you are busy, serious and unattached, his act should clean up, or he will be gone.
Either outcome is good.
InkyDecember 3, 2018 at 8:57 am #267567
I’m sorry you feel so stuck.
Forgetting about this European boyfriend would be a help. He is useless. It’s better to find someone right where you are.
Regarding the masters degree, sometimes people lament about not being able to use it. But you will ALWAYS have that degree, and no one can take it away from you.
Keep doing what you can, where you can, when you can!
InkyDecember 2, 2018 at 6:10 am #267387
The problem will probably (to an extent) take care of itself as soon as you move to a new campus. Yes, he will still be in love with you. But it won’t be this constant in your face pining. Six months is a long time, enough for him to reset, or at least find a new support system.
I have a feeling he will always be creepily invested in your life. Mostly because it is now an entrenched bad habit of his. Kind of like automatically logging onto FB everyday.
So after the off campus experience, what? You go back to the old campus? When you graduate, will he move to your area?
In the meantime, limit your interactions with him. One text/call/visit a day. When you see him face to face, be neutral, nice, and boring. No bringing up crushes. No information he can latch onto. Be legitimately busy, so after fifteen minutes of him you can say, “Gotta go!”
InkyDecember 1, 2018 at 5:22 am #267223
I don’t know how old you are.
If I had to guess, are you recently out of school, just starting out in adult life?
The thing as we get older is: It’s harder to make friends. And not only that, once we do make friends, no one has time for friends. Everyone is busy with their own lives! Your younger sisters are no longer your peers, as you have little in common with them now.
You may think you are the only one initiating. Guess what? Everyone else feels that way too! When you invite them out or over to your house, they appreciate it, BELIEVE ME. They even think, “Hey, I should really invite Reina out to…” They really do think that. But then….. Life!
Don’t take it personally! Live your own life, be happy in your own company. Keep reaching out to people to see them, NOT to get anything back in return. One day you will (probably) be married with kids and will legitimately have no time for those active friendships where you see each other all the time.
November 30, 2018 at 5:23 am #267003
- This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by Inky.
He broke up with you, correct? Well, the person who does the breaking up psychologically will ALWAYS seem to be doing better. Even if it was the wrong decision, it was THEIR decision, and that gives them the feeling of having Control in the Universe.
The happy countenance, the drawings, the posting, the new lease on life: Maybe he views this as A New Beginning. You are annoyed because that casts you into the deep dark past.
This is a blessing. Imagine if you married him!
InkyNovember 29, 2018 at 7:34 am #266763
I wouldn’t look at it as “She loved me” or “she didn’t”.
The sending of the nude photos for money (while she had a job) and the getting pregnant with another man’s baby the minute she had unprotected sex (while she knew she could easily get that from you) REEKS of a woman struggling with desperation.
But the mental illness of it is (there, I said it) is that there is no REASON for her to behave this way. It’s not like she was broke. It’s not like it’s Life During Wartime (when these kind of random pregnancies occur).
Listen, my friend: SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH HER.
This breakup is a blessing.
Don’t get sucked into raising her baby. (The next illogical step)
November 28, 2018 at 6:41 am #262535
- This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by Inky.
Your problem is losing a relationship with her. But she has three: Losing the relationship, her parents’ potential rejection AND the church setting The Rules to make it easier for that to happen.
Maybe, just maybe, she could break away once her parents pass away (they are unlikely to change). And if she moves physically far away from the church. You have to understand that some people cannot and will not lose their family. Another type of person would choose you, again and again, over church and family.
Unfortunately, for her, LYING is another big no-no, so you can see her double bind.
I would let her be.
InkyNovember 27, 2018 at 5:47 am #251651
After the holidays I would encourage you to “get out there”.
You CAN travel. You CAN buy your own home. You CAN find love again. You CAN date again.
Yes, you will always have a special place in your heart for him. “Always” gives you permission to keep feeling whatever feels you may have for him. “Place” means just that: a PLACE in your heart. Not the entire heart. Not even close. You have a long life ahead of you, with new, more, and better characters to meet and adventures to be had.
Let your family and friends take care of you this holiday, and then grasp 2019 with two hands!
InkyNovember 26, 2018 at 8:49 am #248613
You have only been broken up for a relatively short time. It’s not like he’s had time to TRULY change for the better. It’s just that he’s figured out that he better play better with others or he’ll be lonely.
While I don’t condone dating a workmate, just tell your ex-boyfriend: “I’ve met someone”. That’s it. No further discussion.
By the way, instead of choosing one or the other, why don’t you choose YOU?
InkyNovember 25, 2018 at 5:27 am #248411
My goodness, I’m here once a day and anita is here quite a bit. Give it a DAY. People are enjoying the holiday weekend with their families (in the U.S.). I also went to bed!
As for this guy, he is a fixture in your life and it sounds like he took your undefined relationship (somewhere between love and friendship?) for granted.